10 yrs plus -Sex can you be bothered?

[jmsclayton]

Hi

 

sharing from experience and what has helped me.

 

It is vital that sex remains in the relationship. I dont understand why persons on here aren't seeking to find out why sex is not happening. I also read as well and a book that would be helpful for women is -why they dont want it-is I RAther Eat Choc than Have Sex. -this covers reasons for not wanting it due to not see why it matters-emotional reasons only. no medical or otherwise. It is sad that it is not in the relationship. It is vital for both.

 

Judith

[tnttim]

I think the success stories are leaving out the not so obvious stuff. Of course if you are holding hands and touching throughout the day, then it finishes in the bedroom. Most unsuccessful stories have that common thread too, but when it comes time to cash in, the til is empty.

 

I want to hear the other stuff, the real things that spark the fuse.

 

My friend is the nicest guy in the world, he would walk over broken glass for you. Yet he is a 32 year old virgin. Meanwhile my friend that's a 250 lb 5 foot 4 troll that only thinks of himself, and would step on your face for a dollar has to beat off the women with a stick, but he can't maintain a relationship for more than a year.

 

There has to be a middle ground to this, the guys that skate the line of p*ssy whipped and pure a**hole. Let's hear these stories......

[xxoo]

I think the success stories are leaving out the not so obvious stuff. Of course if you are holding hands and touching throughout the day, then it finishes in the bedroom. Most unsuccessful stories have that common thread too, but when it comes time to cash in, the til is empty.

 

I want to hear the other stuff, the real things that spark the fuse.

 

My friend is the nicest guy in the world, he would walk over broken glass for you. Yet he is a 32 year old virgin. Meanwhile my friend that's a 250 lb 5 foot 4 troll that only thinks of himself, and would step on your face for a dollar has to beat off the women with a stick, but he can't maintain a relationship for more than a year.

 

There has to be a middle ground to this, the guys that skate the line of p*ssy whipped and pure a**hole. Let's hear these stories......

 

My H is a involved father, an attentive husband, and is respected in his work. All of that makes me appreciate him, admire him, and want to be around him.

 

What makes me want to **** him is when he touches my body like it belongs to him (time and place....he knows when I'll be receptive and when I will not). Also, when I see how OTHER women regard him as a great catch. That is always a turn on to me, especially when he seems not to notice their them at all .

 

He could never be p*ssy whipped, because he wouldn't tolerate it. Early in our marriage, I was trying to get him to do certain "romantic" things (I'm embarrassed to admit this story....I was immature and insecure ), and his frustrating response was "It has to be my idea. I'm not going to do anything because you told me to do it." I thought he was immature and stubborn, lol. Well, he IS stubborn. He is still very stubborn. But the truth is, he WILL treat me well if I treat him well, and back off a bit. Luckily for our marriage, I learned early and well.

[Honorable_Venerable]

Sex happens, if it happens, when the woman wants it to.

 

Period.

 

Otherwise, it's "rape."

 

Take very careful note. Every plan, idea, scheme, call it what you will, has to satisfy THIS criterion. Unless she's on board, the only ride you might be looking at is a nice one in a police car!

[Honorable_Venerable]

My H is a involved father, an attentive husband, and is respected in his work.

I do all of that.

All of that makes me appreciate him, admire him, and want to be around him.

But I don't get the feeling of appreciation or admiration. More an expectation of that's how I should be.

 

What makes me want to **** him is when he touches my body like it belongs to him (time and place....he knows when I'll be receptive and when I will not).

Emphasis mine. HOW does he know? Trial and Error? Luck? Osmosis? Magic? If the signs are either never put up, or are never the same twice, how do people achieve this?

Also, when I see how OTHER women regard him as a great catch. That is always a turn on to me, especially when he seems not to notice their them at all .

My experience is that many women (not just my wife) find this offensive, demeaning and / or threatening - the antithesis of a turn on!

 

He could never be p*ssy whipped, because he wouldn't tolerate it. Early in our marriage, I was trying to get him to do certain "romantic" things (I'm embarrassed to admit this story....I was immature and insecure ), and his frustrating response was "It has to be my idea. I'm not going to do anything because you told me to do it." I thought he was immature and stubborn, lol. Well, he IS stubborn. He is still very stubborn. But the truth is, he WILL treat me well if I treat him well, and back off a bit. Luckily for our marriage, I learned early and well.

Re "romantic things" - even if H won't do what the wife "tells" him, his romantic gestures have to be what SHE sees as romantic. Otherwise they aren't romantic - they're crass, corny, cheap, clumsy etc etc.

[xxoo]

I do all of that.

 

But I don't get the feeling of appreciation or admiration. More an expectation of that's how I should be.

 

That is unfortunate. My point is, though, that these acts are not the ones that make me want to have sex, just the ones that make me want to make him happy, get close to him, etc.

 

Emphasis mine. HOW does he know? Trial and Error? Luck? Osmosis? Magic? If the signs are either never put up, or are never the same twice, how do people achieve this?

 

You'd probably have to ask my H that. I think he might be magic!

 

Some of this is her responsibility. If the man has acted in loving ways (see my first point), the woman needs to act in loving ways (accept his touch), and let the touch do its magic. If she is closed off to his touch, there is little chance of arousal imo.

 

My experience is that many women (not just my wife) find this offensive, demeaning and / or threatening - the antithesis of a turn on!

 

Oh, no....not if it is just between the women. It is definitely a turn on to know that other women (NOT women the H is flirting with) think your guy is hot. After many years together, it helps me appreciate his qualities through fresh eyes.

 

Re "romantic things" - even if H won't do what the wife "tells" him, his romantic gestures have to be what SHE sees as romantic. Otherwise they aren't romantic - they're crass, corny, cheap, clumsy etc etc.

 

This is another place where the woman has some responsibility, imo. When I was a young wife, I would have agreed with you. I thought that if he changed, I would be happy. But I was immature then.

 

When I grew up a little bit and stopped listening to my friends and their ideas of "romantic" and "in love" and more drivel, I started to see that my H acts with love in dozens of different ways all day, every day. I started to recognize what he did, rather than what he did not do. And I discovered that I am happy with him, just the way he is

[Honorable_Venerable]

That is unfortunate. My point is, though, that these acts are not the ones that make me want to have sex, just the ones that make me want to make him happy, get close to him, etc.

I don't think she feels she has any obligation to make me happy or get close. I have obligations to make HER happy, but these are not mutual.

 

 

Some of this is her responsibility. If the man has acted in loving ways (see my first point), the woman needs to act in loving ways (accept his touch), and let the touch do its magic. If she is closed off to his touch, there is little chance of arousal imo.

She's saying that the touch should do the magic without her having to do anything. That all the "magic" needs to come from me.

 

 

Oh, no....not if it is just between the women. It is definitely a turn on to know that other women (NOT women the H is flirting with) think your guy is hot. After many years together, it helps me appreciate his qualities through fresh eyes.

 

We will have to agree to disagree here. My experience is that women regard this as predatory and reflects badly on the H.

 

This is another place where the woman has some responsibility, imo. When I was a young wife, I would have agreed with you. I thought that if he changed, I would be happy. But I was immature then.

When I grew up a little bit and stopped listening to my friends and their ideas of "romantic" and "in love" and more drivel, I started to see that my H acts with love in dozens of different ways all day, every day. I started to recognize what he did, rather than what he did not do. And I discovered that I am happy with him, just the way he is

This is it though - if she doesn't think the gestures / acts are loving, it doesn't matter whether they are or not. The perception is what it's based on. It's no different (in a sense) than NOT saying "I love you", even if if you do. Not hearing it is the issue.

[giotto]

I think not feeling appreciated for what we do is a big problem for men, especially for "nice, decent guys"... Some wives don't really know what they have until they lose it and they just can't see beyond their noses... pretty sad.

[xxoo]

I think not feeling appreciated for what we do is a big problem for men, especially for "nice, decent guys"... Some wives don't really know what they have until they lose it and they just can't see beyond their noses... pretty sad.

 

 

So true. True for some husbands, too!

[nycgirl6]

Sex stopped for me in my marriage when I lost respect (but not love!) for my H. Divorce followed.