2.5 year relationship ended and I'm extremely heart broken

[jeff2321]

Girlfriend moved out about 5 weeks ago and I still find myself in a massive depressed state. Our relationship was rocky the last 6 months mostly due to my own fault of bringing home job related stress and being in a bad mood all the time. I'm completely filled with regret about the way that I acted towards her and now there is nothing I can do about it. Everyday is filled with regret and wishing I could go back and fix things.

 

I have severed all ties with her because we didn't get married or have kids. I had one last two hour phone call with her where we got closure on the relationship and finally realized that there is nothing I can do or say at this point that will get her back. She actually wanted to remain friends and keep me attached to her facebook, but I quickly after a few days realized that it was just too much pain to look at pictures of her going out to clubs and realizing at some point some new special guy will come into her life and I will then be an after thought. I also deleted all her old emails, got rid of all pictures, and have pretty much been sleeping at my parents house the last month because living in our old house by myself is just too much for me as I constantly break down.

 

I email her about 1 week ago and told her to delete me from her facebook and to make all of her pictures 'private' so that I can't look at them. She agreed and then I sent my last email to her and told her goodbye.

 

Each day has been a struggle and a roller coaster ride of emotions because I do not think I will find any girl that even compares to her. She has such a great heart and because I was so involved with work and selfish in other ways ( like pushing her to work out more ) I have lost her. She was my everything and now I'm left with a completely void and empty feeling.

 

I have started trying to do new things such as taking salsa dancing lessons. Being rejected this hard has turned me off to dating, sex, and pretty much anything else that involves a female possibly hurting me in some way emotionally. At least with dancing I can be in contact with females for a few minutes, dance with them, and then be on my way. I hope I won't be this screwed up forever but it's the only thing I know how to do.

 

I also plan to learn how to snowboard this winter when the ski season starts. I'm going to try and do some new things that I've been putting off for awhile. I've reconnected with friends that I've neglected and I have a female friend now that has spent many hours talking with me about this breakup.

 

I feel as though I will never get over this and I will never find anyone that even remotely compares to her. If only I had realized what I had I wouldn't have taken her for granted and I wouldn't have let the job stress and my selfish demands of getting her to work out more ruin the relationship. I also should have proposed much sooner and made her feel more special. I routinely told her I loved her all the time, but I just didn't do enough to make her feel special and she definitely deserves better then what I was able to offer her.

 

I'm on week 5 and I start a new job next Monday. I'm an emotional wreck and hope I can even function properly at this new job. It's a high level IT job and I know there will be a lot of demands on me.... I hope I can do it.

 

This is the hardest thing I have gone through in my life and the most pain I have ever felt.

 

Anyways, thanks to anyone that has read this far and read my poor grammar broken rant and depressed story.

 

Jeff

[dqmommy]

Oh goodness. You are really going through a hard time and I feel for you.

 

It will get better, I'm sure, with time.

 

Try to look at the "up" side of things ~ you realized where you messed up...and I'm sure you won't do that again. There is someone else out there for you who will appreciate you and you will appreciate her as well.

 

I applaud you for realizing what happened. And remember, she allowed it to happen as well. Life is a two way street and it takes two to get into these messes.

 

Chin up!

[jeff2321]

Yes I'm a wreck and I'm plagued with massive regret. I didn't cheat on her and I helped her with a lot of stuff over the last 2.5 years such as helping her get out of debt, taking her with me to Australia on a work trip, and buying her lasik surgery for her birthday. But those are all just financial gifts. The area I was lacking in was emotional support and accepting her for who she was.

 

I truly did love her but I just didn't show it in the right ways. I was scared of getting married and so I just settled with just living with her. She wanted more and I didn't pick up on the signals she was sending me about taking the relationship to the next step. I didn't spend enough time hanging out with her and her family and I didn't make sure I told her she was special. I got wrapped up in my work ( largely due to the ****ty economy and crappy jobs ) and put her on the sideline... and now I'm paying the price for it.

 

I'm a very fitness oriented person and so I got on her too much about getting into shape. She must've been always wondering if she was going to be skinny enough for me to accept her. I'm almost certain that any new guy she dates will accept her for who she is now and will look like prince charming compared to the way I acted. Yes, I was a selfish ******* and I'm getting everything I deserve. I'm utterly empty and void and I guess I deserve to be alone.

 

The chemistry we shared was great and the sex was great. I can't believe I was so selfish and treated her so poorly. I think my actions were due to a lot of fear I had of loss which inevitably caused me to lose her anyway. There have been a lot of divorces in my family and so I've always had some childhood related issues with committing to marriage.

 

So now I'm just filled with feelings of regret, grief, and basically of the belief that I will never find anyone that will compare on the same level again. I do not have much of a life purpose at this point because my dreams of getting married to her and starting a family have gone up in smoke.

 

I do not know what to do now. Another guy is going to get to have her in all the ways I wanted and there is nothing I can do about it now. I could call her and beg her to come back but she won't. She is done and it's too late at this point. Nothing I can say or do will change that. I'm just going to have to go on with with knowing I ****ed this all up and regret it on my death bed. Besides, I'm sure she has gone out and probably found a guy to have a fling with so she could probably just put the final last closure to the whole thing -- if she has I don't want to know because it will tear my heart out.

 

I do'nt even feel worthy of another girlfriend at this point. I had someone great and I screwed it up. Why should I even try to go back out there and try again? I don't even deserve it. I had something great and I took it for granted.

 

I never want to see her again because the thought of her with another man just tears me up so bad because she was my everything and I lost her due to my own screwed up actions. Hindsight is such a bitch.

 

Painfully regretful and engulfed in sadness,

 

Jeff

[You Go Girl]

Yeah, it hurts if we try to mold somebody to our wants and expectations. I have failed there myself. You can't control or change anybody but YOU.

 

Looking ahead...if the next girl is chubby, what are you going to do?

I remember an old boss from my teenage days, he was a marathon runner, his wife a chubby sahm. He was highly motivated, she was a casual steady plodding along type. He had an affair. Did she deserve it because she didn't meet his dream girl wants? They had kids. Somebody got the short end of the stick because of his selfishness. I wonder if they're married today.

Most love is selfish. Yep. Few people know how to love. Most people would like to think they know how to love, giving themselves credit they haven't earned. Meh.

You didn't say what she did wrong. You brought home work pressures--not her fault, and fixable in your future. You didn't like her imperfect body--not her aspiration to have a perfect body. You didn't want to commit--a dealbreaker for many women, and men.

The work pressure problem--you could work on this. It's understandable. The lack of committment--will be fixed in time, now that you know you can lose a person you love, you'll be that much more willing to commit.

 

The only one that truly bothers me is trying to get a person to change their body for your desires. That one really is upsetting. That one needs to change within you permanently.

Btw--you should post in the breaking up section, not the divorce and separation. We're a whole nuther messed up in a much bigger way ball game here.

[dqmommy]

Yes I'm a wreck and I'm plagued with massive regret. I didn't cheat on her and I helped her with a lot of stuff over the last 2.5 years such as helping her get out of debt, taking her with me to Australia on a work trip, and buying her lasik surgery for her birthday. But those are all just financial gifts. The area I was lacking in was emotional support and accepting her for who she was.

 

I truly did love her but I just didn't show it in the right ways. I was scared of getting married and so I just settled with just living with her. She wanted more and I didn't pick up on the signals she was sending me about taking the relationship to the next step. I didn't spend enough time hanging out with her and her family and I didn't make sure I told her she was special. I got wrapped up in my work ( largely due to the ****ty economy and crappy jobs ) and put her on the sideline... and now I'm paying the price for it.

 

I'm a very fitness oriented person and so I got on her too much about getting into shape. She must've been always wondering if she was going to be skinny enough for me to accept her. I'm almost certain that any new guy she dates will accept her for who she is now and will look like prince charming compared to the way I acted. Yes, I was a selfish ******* and I'm getting everything I deserve. I'm utterly empty and void and I guess I deserve to be alone.

 

The chemistry we shared was great and the sex was great. I can't believe I was so selfish and treated her so poorly. I think my actions were due to a lot of fear I had of loss which inevitably caused me to lose her anyway. There have been a lot of divorces in my family and so I've always had some childhood related issues with committing to marriage.

 

So now I'm just filled with feelings of regret, grief, and basically of the belief that I will never find anyone that will compare on the same level again. I do not have much of a life purpose at this point because my dreams of getting married to her and starting a family have gone up in smoke.

 

I do not know what to do now. Another guy is going to get to have her in all the ways I wanted and there is nothing I can do about it now. I could call her and beg her to come back but she won't. She is done and it's too late at this point. Nothing I can say or do will change that. I'm just going to have to go on with with knowing I ****ed this all up and regret it on my death bed. Besides, I'm sure she has gone out and probably found a guy to have a fling with so she could probably just put the final last closure to the whole thing -- if she has I don't want to know because it will tear my heart out.

 

I do'nt even feel worthy of another girlfriend at this point. I had someone great and I screwed it up. Why should I even try to go back out there and try again? I don't even deserve it. I had something great and I took it for granted.

 

I never want to see her again because the thought of her with another man just tears me up so bad because she was my everything and I lost her due to my own screwed up actions. Hindsight is such a bitch.

 

Painfully regretful and engulfed in sadness,

 

Jeff

 

Holy Cow, Jeff. I feel for you. I really do.

 

But at some point you're going to have to accept what happened and move on. Now isn't the time, you have things you need to work through before you can do that, but that day will come. And you WILL be okay. We all do things we regret. And we all have to move on. Otherwise the world would be even more f**ked up than it is. I applaud you for recognizing your shortcomings. It may not help in your relationship with her, but it WILL help you in your next.

 

I know it's hard to think of a next relationship, but there will be one one day. And next time you're going to be much more aware.

 

I give you credit for recognizing the difference between the emotional attention that women need and the financial need that men seem to substitute for emotions. They are two entirely different things.

 

It's going to get better. Take it one day at a time!

[dqmommy]

 

 

The only one that truly bothers me is trying to get a person to change their body for your desires. That one really is upsetting. That one needs to change within you permanently.

.

 

YGG --- I gotta agree with you here!!!

[jeff2321]

Yup... I screwed up pretty bad. I don't even deserve to have a girlfriend. All I'm going to do now is try and put my life back together. Going to try and do good at my new job, stay busy, and tell any new girl I meet that shows any interest that I'm a hazard to their life and to stay away from me when it comes to dating and a relationship.

 

No girl has any business dating me as I'm bad news. I had something great and I ****ed it up. So I deserve to be alone and in pain.

 

Jeff

 

P.S. - I guess I posted in the wrong forum. Can someone move it to the right forum?

[dqmommy]

Yup... I screwed up pretty bad. I don't even deserve to have a girlfriend. All I'm going to do now is try and put my life back together. Going to try and do good at my new job, stay busy, and tell any new girl I meet that shows any interest that I'm a hazard to their life and to stay away from me when it comes to dating and a relationship.

 

No girl has any business dating me as I'm bad news. I had something great and I ****ed it up. So I deserve to be alone and in pain.

 

Jeff

 

P.S. - I guess I posted in the wrong forum. Can someone move it to the right forum?

 

OK. You have GOT to stop putting yourself down. You are human. You made a mistake. We all do. Stand up, brush yourself off and move on. You cannot carry this guilt with you forever at this degree.

 

You need to accept that mistakes were made, that you recognize those mistakes and that you're not going to make them again. Period. It's going to get okay.

[Steadfast]

 

Yup... I screwed up pretty bad. I don't even deserve to have a girlfriend. All I'm going to do now is try and put my life back together. Going to try and do good at my new job, stay busy, and tell any new girl I meet that shows any interest that I'm a hazard to their life and to stay away from me when it comes to dating and a relationship.

 

No girl has any business dating me as I'm bad news. I had something great and I ****ed it up. So I deserve to be alone and in pain.

 

Jeff

 

P.S. - I guess I posted in the wrong forum. Can someone move it to the right forum?

 

 

I'm not a moderator, but think you're OK in this forum. Divorce or no divorce the emotions are similar...and so is the path to healing.

 

You've received good advice, follow it and know life's path can sometimes be rocky and unpleasant. Hindsight is 20/20 and we tend to unrealistically expect perfection from ourselves, but we learn so much more from our mistakes than we do our triumphs. By taking on the blame for the failure of this relationship you're becoming a martyr; punishing yourself and your future. Again, that's human nature but in time, I'm confident that you'll work constructively towards correcting these shortcomings. Give it time.

 

As for her, prove your love by treating her with respect and devotion. This is accomplished by your actions and attitude. Perhaps one day she'll recognize this and move towards you again, perhaps not. But until you get to the point where you want her to truly be happy and content -no matter what- you'll carry this burden of guilt, shame and self-pity. Let it go.

 

It may seem like she's the only woman you'll ever love now, but trust me when I say she isn't. There's a whole world of wonderful, loving and truly beautiful women out there and someday, you'll meet one of them. Until then, learn from your mistakes and press on. She'll be glad you did-

[Hop_prophet]

That sounds like a really tough situation and I feel for you. I really think you are being too hard on yourself. I'm sure you made some mistakes and maybe took her for granted but she showed her true colors and bailed on you rather than confronting you about it and moving the relationship forward. Of course you can find someone better! I know it seems impossible right now but it will happen.

 

You are doing all the right things. Do everything you can to get her off your mind. Trying new things will be great for you. I understand you feel worthless and broken, but you just have to learn from this and make the best of it. Let her go and don't beat yourself up because you deserve better and you know it. I'm in a tough situation myself and I could use some of your strength.

[You Go Girl]

. I'm sure you made some mistakes and maybe took her for granted but she showed her true colors and bailed on you rather than confronting you about it

 

and don't beat yourself up because you deserve better and you know it. .

 

Sorry, I disagree.

She bailed for very good reasons.

He has to think this through long before he starts thinking of all the other fish in the sea.

Does he deserve better? No. Not until he learns to respect a woman and her body and not try to change her.

 

OP--I understand that you understand your errors. That's a great thing. I don't condone you beat yourself up whatsoever. I do condone that you take a hard look at your expectations of women and their bodies. This is not a hard look meaning take it out on yourself emotionally, no! This is take a hard look at your belief system about women and THEIR bodies, which belong to them, not you.

In no way shape or form am I suggesting that you take it out on yourself emotionally.

This is not an emotional adjustment that is needed, it's a viewpoint adjustment that is needed.

That there is an emotional side to it that hurts is just growing pains.

[jeff2321]

Yo Go Girl is right... I got on her about the fitness stuff too much and that was one of the main reasons she left.

 

I'm a complete wreck and I'm beating myself up. I had a great girl and because I was too focused on superficial crap I lost her for life. Now some other guy is going to get to be with her and now I'm all alone. I've hung out with other girls and it's just not the same and I'm just so sad it's unbelievable.

 

My job starts in two days and I don't have high hopes for it. I give myself probably two weeks before I'm either fired or I end up in a mental hospital for severe depression.

 

I have only been broken up with her for 6 weeks and I have been in complete NC for about 14 days after finally talking to her one last time and getting some closure. She forgave me for everything but said she just needed to move on but would be okay being friends. I made the mistake of having her add me back to her facebook... after obsessing for almost 3 straight days and completely relapsing from a previous 3 week NC commitment, I had to email her and tell her goodbye and that I will regret how I treated her for the rest of my life. I think I phrased it "I will regret losing you on my death bed if I make i to 90 years old and if there was any way I could get you back I would, but I know that I can't so we have to just end all contact".

 

She removed me from her facebook and expressed hope that I could eventually recover from her leaving me in her last email. She said she would not contact me and that was 14 days ago. I will likely never hear from her again and considering how many other great guys that are out there... it's probably a true statement.

 

So yeah, she is gone from my life forever.... I will never talk or see her again and it is just killing me inside. I don't think I will ever recover from this... I wake up crying every morning with immense regret and I spend most of my days depressed and sad.

 

Anyhow, I guess I had to learn the hard way... I had to lose Laura who was my everything because I was focused on the wrong stuff and didn't pull my head out of my ass soon enough to save the relationship.

 

Hindsight is 20/20 and a total bitch. I will be amazed if I even make it two months with the way I feel.

 

Oh and I'm seeing a psychologist and going to therapy beccause if I don't I probably won't be on this planet much longer.

 

Jeff

[FryFish]

I am split... Was she chubby when you two started dating or did she GAIN weight while you were together? If the former, well the only advice I have is next time "Dont settle"... If its the latter then to help you get over it just realize that whoever ends up with her is going to get a BIG her...

[You Go Girl]

You'll be ok Jeff. Give yourself some time, and as I said, stop beating yourself up mentally. Make adjustments, but don't chastize yourself, which really doesn't fix what is/was wrong. What you want to do is change some things about your beliefs/behaviors. You do realize that beating yourself up is not part of that equation? It won't solve anything, but it will put you into depression. In a depressive state, you won't be able to improve your life.

Give yourself time to grieve. Going to the counselor is a good move, it will help you.

Hang in there!

[Els]

Jeff, I think it's great that you can realize and admit where you went wrong, and are willing to change for the future. Only by realizing our mistakes can we move forward... and I'm sure you will!

 

You may not realize it, but you have placed yourself ahead of a large portion of humanity by just this simple fact.

[jeff2321]

Yeah it's great, but now I've lost her and I have to spend the rest of my life without her. Some other guy gets to have her now... that really sucks.

 

I don't think I'm going to be able get over this for awhile if ever.

 

My life just doesn't have any purpose now and I'm really struggling to even get up in the morning.

 

Hopeless,

 

Jeff

[Oxo]

Hi Jeff,

 

I kinda know how you're feeling. My story is different to yours, but I understand that feeling of complete hopelessness. And the thoughts are the worst, when your brain seems to be your worst enemy? I'm going to be like this forever, I will never heal, I will never change, I will never have a healthy relationship, I'm going to die alone etc.

 

When my current boyfriend and I have broken up (too many times to count sadly) I go straight into that. Its been 4 years and it still hurts as much as when we originally broke up. But I handle it better now.

 

The thing is, unfortunately, you kinda have to fake it til you make it. You have to get up everyday and try to make the best of a really sh*tty situation. It does get easier eventually, but it does take some hard time.

 

One thing I find that works for me when I've been hurting for an extended period of time, is to imagine my feelings of hurt / shame/ hopelessness/ desperation/misery sitting on a chair in front of me. I pretend its a faceless person. And I talk to them, and tell them how I don't have to feel bad, how it is my choice, and that I dont want them here anymore. I get angry, I cry, I yell. And afterwards, when I'm tired of talking, I stop.

 

And I feel better.

[Steadfast]

It will help to realize that you are not alone. Many people right now are going through the same thing and feeling the same feelings as you. This forum is a great place for venting, confessing and finding comfort, but you need to find some local help too. If finances allow, I'd do some research and enlist the services of a trained life coach or therapist. Brokenhearted is one thing, suicidal thoughts are quite another. There are deeper issues at work and it's in your own best interests to dig them up and expose them to the light of day. Family or friends can help too, if you can find that one person (or group of people) understanding enough to see this through with you.

 

The good news (yes, there is a silver lining) is once you've dealt with this you're going to be a better, stronger and more understanding person. It may also help to remember that your ex is feeling her own pain and suffering, plus the additional stress of worrying about you. Think about that! Give her the gift of peace and relieve her burden by taking care of yourself. There's a great big world out there friend, and you have a great opportunity to live a fuller, more productive life than before. Get to work!

 

Finally, remember that you existed before the two of you did. You were attracted to Laura and she was attracted to you. If it happened then, if will happen again, but this time you'll be a much better person going in. More understanding, more in tune with the other person's feelings. Stronger.