"I need to figure myself out..." Valid reason?

[pandagirl]

Recently, there's been a lot of breaking up going on in my circle of friends. And a few of them have to do with the guy saying something like: "I like/love you, but I need time alone to figure myself out."

 

The mitigating circumstances around this reason have to do with career flux, moving away for grad school, starting grad school, not in the right head space for a serious relationship, etc. The only reason given to me by my own ex was somewhat the same thing -- that he was unhappy and felt lost and needed to figure himself out.

 

I can see this going both ways. On one hand, I think this reason is lame -- if you really want to be with someone, you figure it out. On the other hand, I can kind of understand this, because there have definitely been times in my life where I was in no place to be in a relationship. In fact, I'm sure I passed up some great guys because of it.

 

So is this a BS excuse, or actually a valid reason?

[ShannonMI]

Recently, there's been a lot of breaking up going on in my circle of friends. And a few of them have to do with the guy saying something like: "I like/love you, but I need time alone to figure myself out."

 

The mitigating circumstances around this reason have to do with career flux, moving away for grad school, starting grad school, not in the right head space for a serious relationship, etc. The only reason given to me by my own ex was somewhat the same thing -- that he was unhappy and felt lost and needed to figure himself out.

 

I can see this going both ways. On one hand, I think this reason is lame -- if you really want to be with someone, you figure it out. On the other hand, I can kind of understand this, because there have definitely been times in my life where I was in no place to be in a relationship. In fact, I'm sure I passed up some great guys because of it.

 

So is this a BS excuse, or actually a valid reason?

It a BS excuse. At least it was when my ex said it to me. This excuse was one of a few that he fed me. Before we officially broke up, he told me he wanted some space to "figure himself out." Then a week later he dumped me saying that he had changed and we weren't right for each other. It turned out there was another girl in the picture. He had "figured out" that she was a better fit for him, then me. He had "figured this out" even before he told me he wanted a break. So in my experience, it's a BS excuse.

[hopesndreams]

Bs!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Gigz3050]

I went through the exact same thing as you are with an ex that thought the same thing. His reasoning though was, he was too busy in grad school to have a serious relationship. On one hand, yes, this is a valid reason for not having a serious relationship. Even from my own experience, juggling college/grad school and a relationship are not a good combo if what you're taking is difficult (I took 2 high level courses and 2 grad level courses last semester and tried to keep a relationship. I'm a science major). BUT...on the other hand, even when I was busy, I still made a point to try to work things out, the other party, however, never wanted to. It sounds to me like he's not that interested anymore because if he really wanted you to be together, he would have made a stronger effort. I would leave him alone for now. See if he comes around after awhile.

[Billie The Puppet]

I find it a BS excuse myself maybe because I was given it or something similar.

 

Seriously though it's a soft let down equivalent to:

It's not you, It's me,

I don't want to be in a relationship right now

I just need to see if I can be more independent

I never experienced being single

I need to find myself

I don't know what I want

I feel like I have lost myself

I love you but I am not in love with you

 

I have been given every single one of them from my ex.

 

They are soft let downs instead of hearing words like,

 

I'm sorry this isn't working out, I have fallen out of love with you.

 

The thing is we as humans can question everything. Like for the above

 

Why isn't it working out? How have you fallen out of love with me? Can I fix it?

 

So easy to question an analyze over everything especially since that is all I have been doing.

[Gigz3050]

The truth is, a lot of people don't want to make a stronger effort to build on a relationship because a LOT of people are lazy. They prefer to stay in their 90% happy zone instead of trying to go that extra 10 and be very happy with their partners. When things get rough, people turn tail because they don't want to deal with problems. They will continue to do that relationship after relationship. I think you should find someone who is willing to go that extra 10 and through thick and thin to be with you.

[pandagirl]

I went through the exact same thing as you are with an ex that thought the same thing. His reasoning though was, he was too busy in grad school to have a serious relationship. On one hand, yes, this is a valid reason for not having a serious relationship. Even from my own experience, juggling college/grad school and a relationship are not a good combo if what you're taking is difficult (I took 2 high level courses and 2 grad level courses last semester and tried to keep a relationship. I'm a science major). BUT...on the other hand, even when I was busy, I still made a point to try to work things out, the other party, however, never wanted to. It sounds to me like he's not that interested anymore because if he really wanted you to be together, he would have made a stronger effort. I would leave him alone for now. See if he comes around after awhile.

 

I don't really have any interest in seeing if he comes around at this point. We were in a long distance relationship.

 

I find it a BS excuse myself maybe because I was given it or something similar.

 

Seriously though it's a soft let down equivalent to:

It's not you, It's me,

I don't want to be in a relationship right now

I just need to see if I can be more independent

I never experienced being single

I need to find myself

I don't know what I want

I feel like I have lost myself

I love you but I am not in love with you

 

I have been given every single one of them from my ex.

 

They are soft let downs instead of hearing words like,

 

I'm sorry this isn't working out, I have fallen out of love with you.

 

The thing is we as humans can question everything. Like for the above

 

Why isn't it working out? How have you fallen out of love with me? Can I fix it?

 

So easy to question an analyze over everything especially since that is all I have been doing.

 

Don't over analyze everything. I've done it, and it only makes things worse!

 

In my case, I wish he just would've told me he wasn't in love with me anymore. Or if he told me he met someone else. Or something. It would've made things easier on me. As I stated before, we were long-distance, which added a lot of problems to our relationship. Neither one of us were happy towards the end. It just didn't work.

[pandagirl]

The truth is, a lot of people don't want to make a stronger effort to build on a relationship because a LOT of people are lazy. They prefer to stay in their 90% happy zone instead of trying to go that extra 10 and be very happy with their partners. When things get rough, people turn tail because they don't want to deal with problems. They will continue to do that relationship after relationship. I think you should find someone who is willing to go that extra 10 and through thick and thin to be with you.

 

I think this is true. My ex was very much about what conveniently fit nicely into what he wanted. It was him, him, a little me, and more him. In a long-distance relationship, that does not work. Once I started to put more "demands" on him and the relationship, he basically balked and that's when the crap hit the fan.

[Cee]

Even if it's BS, it's a good way to end things. It's not a lie to say that a person wants time on their own to explore life. That's what happens when people break up. And life changes do inspire people to branch off.

 

Unless it's infidelity, sometimes there isn't a clear cut reason for a break up. For me, when I break up, it's time for me to be alone. I need to move on. And having the relationship is more of a burden than a help.

 

I have done the breaking up more often than not. And I've never had that perfect breakup reason. Usually, it just feels right (even if it hurts). It's time. And I don't think that reason would go over well.

[Kamille]

While I understand the "it's BS" logic, I for one believe relationships have to contend with two important elements in order to flourish: compatibility and relationship-readyness. I'll call the latter timing.

 

I can think of past relationships and realize that part of the reasons why they didn't work out was because: I needed to figure some stuff out. These weren't even relationships I ended. I was the dumpee, but with hindsight, I realize we couldn't work things out because I wasn't in a good headspace at the time, didn't know how to communicate my needs properly, etc.

 

Compatibility can probably go some ways towards helping someone be "ready" for all that a relationship entails. But I do believe sometimes -if not most times- we fail at relationships and hurt people we care about because "we have to figure ourselves out".

[pandagirl]

While I understand the "it's BS" logic, I for one believe relationships have to contend with two important elements in order to flourish: compatibility and relationship-readyness. I'll call the latter timing.

 

I can think of past relationships and realize that part of the reasons why they didn't work out was because: I needed to figure some stuff out. These weren't even relationships I ended. I was the dumpee, but with hindsight, I realize we couldn't work things out because I wasn't in a good headspace at the time, didn't know how to communicate my needs properly, etc.

 

Compatibility can probably go some ways towards helping someone be "ready" for all that a relationship entails. But I do believe sometimes -if not most times- we fail at relationships and hurt people we care about because "we have to figure ourselves out".

 

Kamille, I have to agree with you. In fact, the further I get away from my breakup, the more I realize *I* wasn't in a good headspace either, even though I thought I was at the time.

 

I remember when I met my ex, I was really happy. I was taking good care of myself and things were on the up-and-up with my career. I thought I could handle a LDR no problem.

 

But what happened is I slowly regressed to my former insecure self. Things with work started going bad, my ego was damaged, I had no stability in my life anymore, nothing to depend on or ground myself. Instead of looking inward and making *myself* happy, I started relying on my relationship for that validation, because that was the easiest thing to do.

 

That in combination with my ex's own unhappiness created a situation we couldn't get out of. Even though he broke up with me, I can now see it had to happen to save both of us.

[Ajax]

Recently, there's been a lot of breaking up going on in my circle of friends. And a few of them have to do with the guy saying something like: "I like/love you, but I need time alone to figure myself out."

 

The mitigating circumstances around this reason have to do with career flux, moving away for grad school, starting grad school, not in the right head space for a serious relationship, etc. The only reason given to me by my own ex was somewhat the same thing -- that he was unhappy and felt lost and needed to figure himself out.

 

I can see this going both ways. On one hand, I think this reason is lame -- if you really want to be with someone, you figure it out. On the other hand, I can kind of understand this, because there have definitely been times in my life where I was in no place to be in a relationship. In fact, I'm sure I passed up some great guys because of it.

 

So is this a BS excuse, or actually a valid reason?

 

I think it's a BS reason. It's what my ex girlfriend said to me, and if there had been signs it was coming, i didn't see them.

 

Some of you have said that it's a reasonable cause for breaking up, but allow me to play the devil's avocate...

 

So you're in a relationship with someone you love and everything is otherwise fine except you're "head's not on right." We this happens to everyone from time to time. So do you just give up an otherwise good thing to figure things out? What happens when you've sorted it out, then get into another relationship and then again feel "not quite right" about things in your life? Do you bail again? What if you're married? Do you walk?

 

I'm not saying that all of our relationships are like marriages, but I think a lot of divorces happen because one party isn't in a good place in their life. And that happens to everyone, you have to work through it.

 

I for one loved my ex and would love another chance with her. But at the same time I'd be wondering whether she'd bail again when she started feeling things weren't right in the rest of her life. Thus... I think it was a BS reason.

[Billie The Puppet]

I think it's a BS reason. It's what my ex girlfriend said to me, and if there had been signs it was coming, i didn't see them.

 

Some of you have said that it's a reasonable cause for breaking up, but allow me to play the devil's avocate...

 

So you're in a relationship with someone you love and everything is otherwise fine except you're "head's not on right." We this happens to everyone from time to time. So do you just give up an otherwise good thing to figure things out? What happens when you've sorted it out, then get into another relationship and then again feel "not quite right" about things in your life? Do you bail again? What if you're married? Do you walk?

 

I'm not saying that all of our relationships are like marriages, but I think a lot of divorces happen because one party isn't in a good place in their life. And that happens to everyone, you have to work through it.

 

I for one loved my ex and would love another chance with her. But at the same time I'd be wondering whether she'd bail again when she started feeling things weren't right in the rest of her life. Thus... I think it was a BS reason.

 

My thoughts exactly.

[durkadurka]

I'm noticing that most of the people posting in this thread are women. I think it's very important to note a very few important things, but nothing more important than the fact that men don't deal with problems the same way women do.

 

 

Women like to 'talk about their problems' and 'communicate', where as most guys I know, myself included when we start seeing problems we start to compartmentalize and start to back off. I can only describe myself as a silent thinker. In hindsight, I wish I had communicated better. She should have too. I digress.

 

I can only speak for myself when I say I'm a man that needs his space, I always have. All the time I spend alone lets me appreciate the time I have with the person I love. If I don't get my time apart, I get frustrated and feel as if my space is invaded.

 

 

When a guy says that he needs to figure himself out he usually means it. It's not always 'I want to **** another girl'. Some times it means exactly what he is saying.

 

 

I broke up with my ex it was because it was exactly that reason, we were in transition. She was moving, I was going back to school. Sometimes 'I need to figure stuff out' is just a polite way of saying, I have no idea what the **** we are going to do or how we are going to get through this. Despite our external appearance, we are often VERY unsure of what we are doing.

 

Guys deal with things in different ways, sometimes we are scared of talking about them, sometimes we just don't feel they need to be discussed, sometimes men feel the overwhelming compulsion to make a heavy handed decision to feel more masculine.

 

I can only speak for myself but when I say I need space it's because I need some time to collect myself so I'm as strong as I can be to fight through a problem. But if I don't get that space, I won't be strong enough, I'll crack.. and I'll lose my mind.

 

If I want to break up with a girl I'll tell her I want to break up with her.

 

 

 

 

It's not always bs.

Edited September 22, 2010 by durkadurka

[Billie The Puppet]

I'm noticing that most of the people posting in this thread are women. I think it's very important to note a very few important things, but nothing more important than the fact that men don't deal with problems the same way women do.

 

 

Women like to 'talk about their problems' and 'communicate', where as most guys I know, myself included when we start seeing problems we start to compartmentalize and start to back off. I can only describe myself as a silent thinker. In hindsight, I wish I had communicated better. She should have too. I digress.

 

I can only speak for myself when I say I'm a man that needs his space, I always have. All the time I spend alone lets me appreciate the time I have with the person I love. If I don't get my time apart, I get frustrated and feel as if my space is invaded.

 

 

When a guy says that he needs to figure himself out he usually means it. It's not always 'I want to **** another girl'. Some times it means exactly what he is saying.

 

 

I broke up with my ex it was because it was exactly that reason, we were in transition. She was moving, I was going back to school. Sometimes 'I need to figure stuff out' is just a polite way of saying, I have no idea what the **** we are going to do or how we are going to get through this. Despite our external appearance, we are often VERY unsure of what we are doing.

 

Guys deal with things in different ways, sometimes we are scared of talking about them, sometimes we just don't feel they need to be discussed, sometimes men feel the overwhelming compulsion to make a heavy handed decision to feel more masculine.

 

 

 

 

It's not always bs.

 

 

Ouch you make me feel like I am a very feminine male and my ex is a very masculine female.

 

I like to talk things through and work things out, she just backs offs. She actually just quits things, school, jobs and relationships I know that should be a sign but we had a great run that I would love to continue but due to that I can't.

[durkadurka]

Ouch you make me feel like I am a very feminine male and my ex is a very masculine female.

 

I like to talk things through and work things out, she just backs offs. She actually just quits things, school, jobs and relationships I know that should be a sign but we had a great run that I would love to continue but due to that I can't.

 

Brother, despite the fact that I have a pretty hard exterior, my ex had an even harder one.

 

She moved on in a blink and trying to discuss stuff with her ususally turned into an argument due to a lack of response.

 

I feel your pain. Some women are just like that. Who knows.

[Ajax]

 

 

 

When a guy says that he needs to figure himself out he usually means it. It's not always 'I want to **** another girl'. Some times it means exactly what he is saying.

 

 

I broke up with my ex it was because it was exactly that reason, we were in transition. She was moving, I was going back to school. Sometimes 'I need to figure stuff out' is just a polite way of saying, I have no idea what the **** we are going to do or how we are going to get through this. Despite our external appearance, we are often VERY unsure of what we are doing.

 

Guys deal with things in different ways, sometimes we are scared of talking about them, sometimes we just don't feel they need to be discussed, sometimes men feel the overwhelming compulsion to make a heavy handed decision to feel more masculine.

 

I can only speak for myself but when I say I need space it's because I need some time to collect myself so I'm as strong as I can be to fight through a problem. But if I don't get that space, I won't be strong enough, I'll crack.. and I'll lose my mind.

 

If I want to break up with a girl I'll tell her I want to break up with her.

 

 

 

 

It's not always bs.

 

 

Maybe. But everyone goes through transitions, and they happen throughout our lives. I will give it to you that sometimes we need to have space to figure things out. But in a healthy relationship you do it WITHIN the relationship. You don't just walk. It's facing those challenges and transitions that should bring people closer together. If one party can't handle it, I would doubt their ability to maintain a relationship in the future. Either that, or they're using this as an excuse to get out of the relationship when in fact they have other motives for pulling the plug... BS.

[Billie The Puppet]

Maybe. But everyone goes through transitions, and they happen throughout our lives. I will give it to you that sometimes we need to have space to figure things out. But in a healthy relationship you do it WITHIN the relationship. You don't just walk. It's facing those challenges and transitions that should bring people closer together. If one party can't handle it, I would doubt their ability to maintain a relationship in the future. Either that, or they're using this as an excuse to get out of the relationship when in fact they have other motives for pulling the plug... BS.

 

I'm about 99% positive where I went wrong and I can change that but can't prove it without looking needy. Now I can always apply it to future prospects!

[Woggle]

It's usually women that need to find themselves but I think it is a perfectly good reason. If a man has goals and things he wants to acheive why bring unnecessary drama into his life with a woman.

[Billie The Puppet]

It's usually women that need to find themselves but I think it is a perfectly good reason. If a man has goals and things he wants to acheive why bring unnecessary drama into his life with a woman.

 

The funny thing is my goal was house first than woman, well a woman entered my life and changed that, now I am back to my original goal but because I experienced a LTR I kind of want them all at once. A lot of that seems achievable too but I hate that I lost my future with this "One"

[Woggle]

The funny thing is my goal was house first than woman, well a woman entered my life and changed that, now I am back to my original goal but because I experienced a LTR I kind of want them all at once. A lot of that seems achievable too but I hate that I lost my future with this "One"

 

This is why a man should never get distracted by a woman. Do what you want to do and then after that is done if a woman earns her place in your life then great but if not you are okay as well. No man should ever commit to a woman until he achieves this.

[dragonwave]

Maybe. But everyone goes through transitions, and they happen throughout our lives. I will give it to you that sometimes we need to have space to figure things out. But in a healthy relationship you do it WITHIN the relationship. You don't just walk. It's facing those challenges and transitions that should bring people closer together. If one party can't handle it, I would doubt their ability to maintain a relationship in the future. Either that, or they're using this as an excuse to get out of the relationship when in fact they have other motives for pulling the plug... BS.

 

I completely agree with you Ajax. Life is full of change/transition and we can't just bail on the people we are with in the name of "finding ourselves". Its one thing for that to occur in our early adult years, but I its unacceptable and a huge red flag with folks havign that sort of coping mechanism in their mid to late 30s and beyond. Its disheartening to see the pain others cause on good caring folks cause they just can't maturely and effectively deal with their emotions and all the underlying issues of fear, self-doubt, past hurts etc. All they do is bail and then project thier crap onto another person.

[pandagirl]

I completely agree with you Ajax. Life is full of change/transition and we can't just bail on the people we are with in the name of "finding ourselves". Its one thing for that to occur in our early adult years, but I its unacceptable and a huge red flag with folks havign that sort of coping mechanism in their mid to late 30s and beyond. Its disheartening to see the pain others cause on good caring folks cause they just can't maturely and effectively deal with their emotions and all the underlying issues of fear, self-doubt, past hurts etc. All they do is bail and then project thier crap onto another person.

 

Yeah, but I think it really depends on what life phase you are going through, and that can happen at any point in your life. I agree that at some point, you're going to have to deal with your own problems within the confines of a relationship, but "finding yourself" needs to be done alone sometimes.

 

There's a difference between some vague excuse of wanting to "find yourself," and valid reasons, like moving, going to grad school, being overwhelmed with work, or dealing with illness or family issues. It really depends on the individual on how it is handled. Some people may really want the support of their partner, while others natural inclinations might be to distance themselves -- and that's where relationship problems will occur.

[Star Gazer]

In my case, I wish he just would've told me he wasn't in love with me anymore.

 

Maybe in a way he is? If he doesn't love himself, he can't love you.

[pandagirl]

Maybe in a way he is? If he doesn't love himself, he can't love you.

 

You know, I think he truly believed he was in love with me. And he "loved" me the best way he could, but in the end, I don't think he really understands what love is.

 

I told my therapist that it was like we had different definitions of love, and mine was so much deeper than his. It's just what we're individually capable of, and it wasn't a good match.