"I need to figure myself out..." Valid reason?

[Caradavine]

I may be late with my opinion, pandagirl. I totally relate to your situation in some regards, so I wanted to say this:

 

Yes, it is a valid reason for him. However, it is up to you if that is a good enough reason for you (it sounds like you have decided it was a bad match, though, so I'm guessing you already have made that decision). One bad thing about that reason for splitting is that he may never find himself (and he might), so it's a gamble on time and results.

[pandagirl]

I may be late with my opinion, pandagirl. I totally relate to your situation in some regards, so I wanted to say this:

 

Yes, it is a valid reason for him. However, it is up to you if that is a good enough reason for you (it sounds like you have decided it was a bad match, though, so I'm guessing you already have made that decision). One bad thing about that reason for splitting is that he may never find himself (and he might), so it's a gamble on time and results.

 

He might not, which is part of the reason I feel sad. I've seen him deteriorate into a less happy person over our relationship. I hope he finds balance in his life.

[durkadurka]

I wanted to follow up on my post earlier to say that my space has finally resulted in the revelation as to what my problem with her was.

 

Codependency.

 

I never would have figured it out without having space.

 

Though, it's kind of irrelevant now.

[pandagirl]

I wanted to follow up on my post earlier to say that my space has finally resulted in the revelation as to what my problem with her was.

 

Codependency.

 

I never would have figured it out without having space.

 

Though, it's kind of irrelevant now.

 

Codependency is usually the result of a lot of issues in a relationship, and ultimately, they're usually unhealthy ones...

[lightning]

Durkadurka, wow! You just made me see my ex so clearly. That is the way he is to a tee, exactly as you explained himself. I really agree that sometimes it's not bs. I am my ex's first gf and he doesn't really know who he is/has never been confortable with being emotional/has family issues etc and I truely believe him 'needing space' is as black and white as he said it. He knows he's risking me moving on but at the time he had to look after number and risk me because he could not give his 'stuff' the energy it required while giving me what I need/deserve.

 

To all those girls out there I honestly believe it's not always about hooking up with somone else. I think they just need to abort the relationship asap to find themselves. That's when it comes down to timing and for us we CAN'T put our lives on hold while they 'figure it out' coz as someone said they may never get to that stage and will continue repeating the same cycle again and again with the next person.

 

Thanks Durka

[durkadurka]

Codependency is usually the result of a lot of issues in a relationship, and ultimately, they're usually unhealthy ones...

That's true.

[Ajax]

For those who think that having to "find yourself" is not a BS reason for ending a relationship, I think it's interesting how often someone will give the reason that they need to "find themself" and are not "able to be in a relationship right now," and then low and behold a month later they're back in a relationship with someone else.

 

Guess they not only found themselves, but someone else as well!

[pandagirl]

For those who think that having to "find yourself" is not a BS reason for ending a relationship, I think it's interesting how often someone will give the reason that they need to "find themself" and are not "able to be in a relationship right now," and then low and behold a month later they're back in a relationship with someone else.

 

Guess they not only found themselves, but someone else as well!

 

I've read about your breakup and how your girlfriend was depressed. Honestly, I think that is a valid reason to dissolve a relationship. I suffer from depression, and having a relationship isn't really possible when you are unhappy, anxious and sad. I suffered through depression through my most recent relationship, and I will say it played a part in our breakup.

 

I think you are taking everything a little too personally, and I say this kindly: not everything is all about you. Maybe consider that this was really difficult for her, too, and this is what she needed to do for herself to be happy? This is why a lot of young relationships don't work out, because we're still on the road of "finding" out what makes me happy as individuals, whether that's moving to another city, going to school, focusing on a career, etc. Sometimes you can't do that with another person in the picture.

 

Like I said, sometimes needing time to figure yourself out is a cop out reason, but sometimes it isn't. If my ex is with another girl right now, then honestly, eff him, but as far as I can tell, he was telling me the truth. We both said to each other after we broke up, "I just want you to be happy, even if that means without me." I think that what love is all about.

Edited September 23, 2010 by pandagirl

[durkadurka]

For those who think that having to "find yourself" is not a BS reason for ending a relationship, I think it's interesting how often someone will give the reason that they need to "find themself" and are not "able to be in a relationship right now," and then low and behold a month later they're back in a relationship with someone else.

 

Guess they not only found themselves, but someone else as well!

 

Usually they just swing to the opposite thinking that that is what they need.

 

That doesn't work either and is called a rebound.

[Woggle]

If somebody find another girl maybe she offers him less drama than what he had before.

[TearsofHope]

It's too hard to answer this question.. as I had 3 guys tell me this line. One wanted to be with another girl, the other left to get back with his ex and i was a rebound, and my ex currently who broke up with me 2 months ago.. welll, he may well be just wanting to be single and trying to get him a job since he grad from college..

 

but I believe hes with someone else... so rather trying to figure out what everything means... I find it very funny that the first 2 exes came running back to me months later wanting to be with me again. So, whatever stupid reasons they leave for and yess i mean stupid b/c why would a person feel another person is causing them to not be able to "figure out" their life. Shouldnt you already been figuring things along as you grow up day by day. Ugh, my ex, I guarantee right now he is still working the same part time job, depressed at home b/c he has no money, probably f&xking a new chick, and still havent "figured" out shyt.

b/c he still in that same ol "im confused" mode. He Still probably haven't "accomplished" anything in my opinion. Since the break up, I been blessed with a new job. Its amazing how life works. I don't need to have "space" to figure things out, just makes me think thats some excuse to jump out of a relationship real quick.

Edited September 25, 2010 by TearsofHope

[Sambo]

 

So is this a BS excuse, or actually a valid reason?

 

There is no clear answer there is always circumstances.

 

So the answer is IT DEPENDS.

 

True love is like a ghost that everybody talks about but few have every really seen.

 

Author unknown

[pandagirl]

It's too hard to answer this question.. as I had 3 guys tell me this line. One wanted to be with another girl, the other left to get back with his ex and i was a rebound, and my ex currently who broke up with me 2 months ago.. welll, he may well be just wanting to be single and trying to get him a job since he grad from college..

 

but I believe hes with someone else... so rather trying to figure out what everything means... I find it very funny that the first 2 exes came running back to me months later wanting to be with me again. So, whatever stupid reasons they leave for and yess i mean stupid b/c why would a person feel another person is causing them to not be able to "figure out" their life. Shouldnt you already been figuring things along as you grow up day by day. Ugh, my ex, I guarantee right now he is still working the same part time job, depressed at home b/c he has no money, probably f&xking a new chick, and still havent "figured" out shyt.

b/c he still in that same ol "im confused" mode. He Still probably haven't "accomplished" anything in my opinion. Since the break up, I been blessed with a new job. Its amazing how life works. I don't need to have "space" to figure things out, just makes me think thats some excuse to jump out of a relationship real quick.

 

I think you can do better than all your ex's.

[TearsofHope]

How long does space takes? 1 month, 2 months or what? Like when a guy just says I need space, breaks up with you, may contact here and there.. sounds like someone is just having a party without their ex or maybe with someone else?

 

It sucks b/c I am not waiting for him even though it may seem like I am.. but I think about when giving them space that even in 2 months, he could be already head over heels over someone else.. bc thas quite a long time for space.

[Sambo]

How long does space takes? 1 month, 2 months or what? Like when a guy just says I need space, breaks up with you, may contact here and there.. sounds like someone is just having a party without their ex or maybe with someone else?

 

It sucks b/c I am not waiting for him even though it may seem like I am.. but I think about when giving them space that even in 2 months, he could be already head over heels over someone else.. bc thas quite a long time for space.

 

Tell yourself and behave like he has moved out of the country and you will never see him again.

 

That's the only way to deal with it.

[pandagirl]

How long does space takes? 1 month, 2 months or what? Like when a guy just says I need space, breaks up with you, may contact here and there.. sounds like someone is just having a party without their ex or maybe with someone else?

 

It sucks b/c I am not waiting for him even though it may seem like I am.. but I think about when giving them space that even in 2 months, he could be already head over heels over someone else.. bc thas quite a long time for space.

 

1) It's fine to miss him.

2) If he is already in love with someone else, he wasn't the right person for you -- that's for sure.

3) Needing "space" depends on the circumstances at hand. Was his life truly overwhelming that he needed to get out of the relationship?

[durkadurka]

Tell yourself and behave like he has moved out of the country and you will never see him again.

 

That's the only way to deal with it.

 

The problem is moving out of the country doesn't do anything these days.

 

It's so easy to jump on a plane or skype, that there's no such thing as geographic restrictions really.

[durkadurka]

1) It's fine to miss him.

2) If he is already in love with someone else, he wasn't the right person for you -- that's for sure.

3) Needing "space" depends on the circumstances at hand. Was his life truly overwhelming that he needed to get out of the relationship?

 

Sometimes it isn't just your own life you find overwhelming, it's the weight of the other person's life.

 

You can only help someone so much, this is even more true if you don't see them helping themselves.

[Billie The Puppet]

It's too hard to answer this question.. as I had 3 guys tell me this line. One wanted to be with another girl, the other left to get back with his ex and i was a rebound, and my ex currently who broke up with me 2 months ago.. welll, he may well be just wanting to be single and trying to get him a job since he grad from college..

 

but I believe hes with someone else... so rather trying to figure out what everything means... I find it very funny that the first 2 exes came running back to me months later wanting to be with me again. So, whatever stupid reasons they leave for and yess i mean stupid b/c why would a person feel another person is causing them to not be able to "figure out" their life. Shouldnt you already been figuring things along as you grow up day by day. Ugh, my ex, I guarantee right now he is still working the same part time job, depressed at home b/c he has no money, probably f&xking a new chick, and still havent "figured" out shyt.

b/c he still in that same ol "im confused" mode. He Still probably haven't "accomplished" anything in my opinion. Since the break up, I been blessed with a new job. Its amazing how life works. I don't need to have "space" to figure things out, just makes me think thats some excuse to jump out of a relationship real quick.

 

In my opinion both male/female who use these lines are for a soft let down.

However this soft let down is not so soft because the blow is prolonged because it instills the what if possibility and only lengthens the blow as opposed to. I have fallen out of you which would be a big blow but then one would not be thinking about the what if's (as much)

 

My ex split with me and says she has fallen out of love with me but still loves me. She is unsure right now. She also mentioned perhaps in the future if we are meant to be we will be. She just needs to be single and see if she can make it on her own, when weeks earlier she was begging for me to help her out both with studying and financially for her license, I was there for her I suppose I shouldn't have been.

 

Actions > words

[pandagirl]

Sometimes it isn't just your own life you find overwhelming, it's the weight of the other person's life.

 

You can only help someone so much, this is even more true if you don't see them helping themselves.

 

Yuppers. Sometimes things get so piled up, that the best option at the time seems to just abort.

[durkadurka]

Yuppers. Sometimes things get so piled up, that the best option at the time seems to just abort.

 

Yep, I told this story to my ex a few months ago. Not that 'I need space' but just that we needed to go our own ways and sort our own **** out.

 

Her life is/was a mess and our relationship wasn't working. She was being pulled my forces way out of my control, and the only choice I could make was whether I could be a part of it or not.

 

Given our relationship status, the uncertainty of what she was doing, and the fact I'd have to get a VISA or marry her or go to school to be where she was... the prospects were not good. Especially since I had no idea how long she was going to be there for.

 

Obviously, this was hard for me given my emotions towards her, and her towards mine. After about 2 months the hope, missing, and I love yous started to disappear, right after I visited her. Another 2 months later and we hardly talk, and things are STILL up in the air for her.

 

Now that she's kind of settled there, I'm having second thoughts but right now there is jack squat I can do about it.

Edited September 26, 2010 by durkadurka

[pandagirl]

Yep, I told this story to my ex a few months ago. Not that 'I need space' but just that we needed to go our own ways and sort our own **** out.

 

Her life is/was a mess and our relationship wasn't working. She was being pulled my forces way out of my control, and the only choice I could make was whether I could be a part of it or not.

 

Given our relationship status, the uncertainty of what she was doing, and the fact I'd have to get a VISA or marry her or go to school to be where she was... the prospects were not good. Especially since I had no idea how long she was going to be there for.

 

Obviously, this was hard for me given my emotions towards her, and her towards mine. After about 2 months the hope, missing, and I love yous started to disappear, right after I visited her. Another 2 months later and we hardly talk, and things are STILL up in the air for her.

 

Now that she's kind of settled there, I'm having second thoughts but right now there is jack squat I can do about it.

 

You know, Durka, I think you just need to focus on yourself for now. Two months isn't a very long time to have space from a messy relationship.

 

I think you need to give up on the hopes of a second chance, but also understand that if that were to happen, it won't happen for a bit of time anyway. Also, two people can love each other immensely, and still not make it. Relationships have so much more to do than just love.

 

Unless I'm in the dark about my ex cheating or leaving me for someone else, our breakup was largely in part due to circumstances. Neither one of us were happy individually, I was suffering for a bout of depression, I got clingy, he needed space, he was feeling lost with his life/work/career, and plus we were in a LDR. Even though he broke up with me, it was in a way mutual because I knew we couldn't go on living the way we were, and we couldn't resolve our problems with each of us being in these negative spaces with our lives.

 

I'm moving on, but it's sort of a sweet feeling to be able to say: "If it's meant to be, it will," and just let it go.