CruisyChick Posted February 25, 2004 Share Posted February 25, 2004 I have been seeing this guy for about 4 months. We are exclusive, but I wouldn't call him my 'boyfriend' just yet, we are both too busy to truly commit. Anyway, we don't see each other as much as we'd like to so I was really looking forward to meeting up this weekend (he had alluded to me going over to his place a few times last week). Well anyway, he called me up this afternoon and after a great conversation he told me that he was sorry, but the surf was really big this weekend and he wanted to make the most of it. Apparently there is a big swell coming in over the weekend that he will have to get up early for both on Sat and Sun - therefore he won't be able to go out with me (I should mention here that whenever we are together we have HUGE nights). I was crushed. I was surprised at how dissapointed I was but I was really looking forward to our time together (and had arranged for my bikini wax and everything!). For him to blow me off to go SURFING was totally shattering. I am still reeling from this two days later, I just can't believe he thinks so little of me. Do you think I am overreacting, is surfing important? I wish I was cool about this but I can't help thinking that after everything we have been through together he just doesn't give a sh*t. Link to post Share on other sites
spencer Posted February 25, 2004 Share Posted February 25, 2004 Originally posted by CruisyChick I have been seeing this guy for about 4 months. We are exclusive, but I wouldn't call him my 'boyfriend' just yet, we are both too busy to truly commit. Why are you exclusive? but you wouldn't call him your bf. sorry, but I don't get it. this is a problem. If I were you, I would start dating others. I'd be pissed too, and would start looking for someone who could share some time with me. Tell him straight forward, that you think he is a great person, but you are dissapointed with him,that he made plans with you for the weekend and changed his mind. And while you respect his commitment to his sport, you would prefer to not be in an exclusive relationship with someone you can't spend time with. then see what he says. He will get the message without you having to say "I'm looking to date others." He must love to surf, there is nothing wrong with that, its a great sport and you have to go with the waves. Link to post Share on other sites
Leikela Posted February 25, 2004 Share Posted February 25, 2004 I am a little confused about the "we're exclusive" but "not my boyfriend" thing too. I think the fact that you don't consider him your boyfriend and he apparently doesn't consider you his girlfriend is the problem. In your mind, you're committed to a certain degree because you expected him to pick you over his surfing. On the other hand, the relationship still has that "casual" feel which is a good explanation for the guy's behavior. I think you're hurt and shocked because maybe this incident opened your eyes to the fact that maybe you like him more then you thought. You need to talk to him about your relationship and take it to the next level, if that's what you want. If you guys were really into eachother (besides sex), then I could see him going surfing on Saturday but compromising and seeing you on Sunday, etc, etc... But then again you said you weren't committed so that kind of behavior shouldn't be expected. You definitely need to redefine your relationship status to ward off future "hurts". Link to post Share on other sites
amazinglywow Posted February 25, 2004 Share Posted February 25, 2004 i agree with spencer & Leikela. discuss that your hurt by his descion. but don't date others, just cause he choose surfing over a what would've been another great nite. i dont know where you live, but my man is a surfer as well, and a really good wave is hard to come by. especially here in NYC. don't let it dampen your day. maybe next time there's a good wave he can take you with him... and teach you how to surf. but it'll be along day. he's already interested in you, so maybe you can be interested in surfing, and it'll really flatter him. afterall surfer guys love girls who can surf too. its very sexy. perhaps he sees more to the relationship, and thinks you'll understand. he's not blowing you off. a good wave is hard to come by. but he's hopefully hoping that you'll be there for him alwayz. i'm sorry i don't have much insight, them two said a lot. basically he's not blowing you off. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted February 25, 2004 Share Posted February 25, 2004 Originally posted by CruisyChick I was crushed. I was surprised at how dissapointed I was but I was really looking forward to our time together (and had arranged for my bikini wax and everything!). For him to blow me off to go SURFING was totally shattering. I am still reeling from this two days later, I just can't believe he thinks so little of me. Yes, you're overreacting. It's normal to be disappointed if you can't see someone you're interested in. However, you're equating him choosing to not spend time with you as basically telling you he no longer cares about you. Why do you pursue a man with hobbies? There are plenty of lapdogs out there who would give up the things they like to do to get some ass, trust me. If you ever want the relationship to progress, you'll have to realize that people do need their space, and they do need their time to pursue ventures that existed before you did. The chances that he prefers surfing over sex are slim. The surfing was just time-contingent, and obviously he felt that you were cool enough with him to postpone your arrangement. Everyone else has reccomended talking to him about "where this relationship is going?"--Unless you want your relationship to have a viking's funeral, don't bother. You know where it's going, it's going the slow pace of a surfer's schedule, and lecturing him about how he's done you wrong isn't going to open his eyes to your maintainance requirements. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted February 25, 2004 Share Posted February 25, 2004 There are many men who are into surfing who will choose that over a woman any day. The woman is there all the time but unless you live in Hawaii or someplace like that the surf is unpredictable. Either get used to the fact or go find another boyfriend. I know exactly how you feel but when some guys are young, their priorities definitely are different. Some of the older ones who are into hunting or fishing...or other hobbies...may have their priorities fashioned similarly but that doesn't mean they don't love you. Link to post Share on other sites
Errol Posted February 25, 2004 Share Posted February 25, 2004 Originally posted by CruisyChick Do you think I am overreacting, is surfing important? I wish I was cool about this but I can't help thinking that after everything we have been through together he just doesn't give a sh*t. What "everything" have you been through? You've only been together 4 months, you don't claim him as your boyfriend, and you claim to be exclusive without a commitment. You don't own him and if you care about his feelings at all then tell him to have fun and get over it. Yes, I think you are overreacting. You can help thinking that he doesn't give a sh*t--you just don't want to help it. Have all your past boyfriends given up their lives for you? Do you demand that they be there for you whenever you want them to be? Maybe that is why they are in the past! Sex is fun, but life shouldn't revolve around it - there is a LOT more to a happy and fun life then sex. Link to post Share on other sites
yes Posted February 25, 2004 Share Posted February 25, 2004 i think it depends on how he said it. if it was more like "i REALLY wish we got together but it's gonna be SUCH a good time to surf, i rlly don't wanna miss it" - i'd be disappointment not to see him but fine with it. if it was a "oh, you know, change of plans - i'm going surfing instead, call me next week" - i'd be mad. good luck, -yes Link to post Share on other sites
love2004 Posted February 25, 2004 Share Posted February 25, 2004 Have you ever gone and watched him surf? If they are getting good swell in what a great day to go for a little bit and watch some great surfing (or at least attempts at surfing). It may not be the HUGE night you were hoping for, but it would be a nice way to get to know your potential boyfriend and what he enjoys. Get use to the idea that surfers appreciate and chase the ellusive good swell. From your post it didn't sound like he didn't want to see you, he just didn't want to be exhausted paddleing out to surf big swell. That is being safe. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted February 25, 2004 Share Posted February 25, 2004 I'm no surfer, but I definitely understand that the great conditions must be enjoyed fully. Carpe diem. It would help if you had a similar interest that had an element of unpredictability, so you could see how someone would be pulled away by great surf. Commitment would mean that you can be #1 to each other when necessary. But even if you marry this guy and are madly in love, I would still recommend encouraging his surfing and giving him the necessary space. Chances are it means a LOT to him. I think watching him surf MAY be a good idea - lots of girls do it. But you do have to realize you'd just be standing there on the shore, not getting or giving any attention. It's fun to watch people surf for a while, but a whole weekend of it would be a drag (to me). How about just having a chat about what is important to both of you? Just be honest about your disappointment, but without criticizing. And he can be honest about what he can live with and what he can't. Are all your arrangements surf-contingent? The answer can be either yes or no, but get the answer out before the crisis comes. I would definitely expect an SO to drop surfing plans if I really needed him, like if I got laid off, was very sick, or had a family crisis where I needed support. For just a weekend, I would tell him to have fun and then I would go enjoy myself with gal pals or activities of almost any sort. Link to post Share on other sites
CruisyChick Posted February 25, 2004 Share Posted February 25, 2004 Thank you so much everyone for taking an interest in this (pretty trivial) post. I guess I should explain that the exclusive/but not boyfriend thing is a bit odd, but we are both doctors and work ridiculous hours - we also live 2 hours away from each other. Neither of us are interested in seeing other people but we see each other so little that the term boyfriend/girlfriend just doesn't seem to hold much water. Anyway - everyone is right. If we're not fully committed I can't really expect him to just drop everything to see me. And why would I want to; I guess it's good that he has a hobby he enjoys. Thank you especially, dyermaker. You gave me the slap over the head that I needed. As much as I want to have "the talk", I think it would probably push him away so I'll settle for giving him a lecture in my head and try to move on. Over the phone he told me he wanted to see me next Saturday. I agreed, but just realised that I have a friend's bday dinner that same night. Ordinarily I would have chosen him over my friend but I think I have to re-prioritise. Link to post Share on other sites
spencer Posted February 26, 2004 Share Posted February 26, 2004 Originally posted by CruisyChick Over the phone he told me he wanted to see me next Saturday. I agreed, but just realised that I have a friend's bday dinner that same night. Ordinarily I would have chosen him over my friend but I think I have to re-prioritise. very nice Link to post Share on other sites
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