odisea Posted February 25, 2004 Share Posted February 25, 2004 My boyfriend broke up with me about a month ago. We were together for about 4 months, but a few weeks before we broke up I made the mistake one night of telling him that I thought I was falling in love with him and that I didnt want him to go away on a trip that he had planned since before he met me. From that night up until we broke up I felt him distance himself from me. When he broke up with me, he said that he doesnt want a girlfriend right now, but that he wants me..he asked me to just give him some space. He was very badly hurt in his previous relationship and he said that he's scared that I'll hurt him the same way. He also told me that he doesnt feel that at the moment he can give his 100% to me, and that I deserve that. A few weeks later, we got back in touch and he came over to watch a movie with me a few times. Each time was very nice and we cuddled and the last few times he kissed me. He opened up about how he wants to move forward with me but he needs to sort out some issues in his life that is holding him back. He has also told me that he feels he'll be ready in a few months and once again to give him space. Up until Valentines day he called amost every day and he came over 3 times..one of those times it was hard to get him to go home because we were having such a good time talking. On Valentines day however, I made the mistake of getting emotional and asking him what is going on between us and being a little pushy. Since then he has pulled away again. A few nights ago, he did come over and ended up spending the night with me. It was my idea to spend the night and he was very happy to just cuddle with me all night, but we ended up being a little more intimate than planned. The next day he said that it's obvious that we want each other but that right now his hands are tied and he thinks we both need to get our lives sorted out before anything. His living situation is way less than ideal and his roomates make his life hell, which is adding to his stress right now. He is not with anyone else, nor is he sleeping with anyone else..he's not like that. Anyways, I'm very very confused and torn in what I should do. I really want him to clarify a little more what he wants from me, and if he really does intend on getting back together, but I dont want to push him away. But I also dont want to get hurt down the road if he just isnt interested. The last few weeks since I pushed the subject, he's being a little bit more vague about how he feels and what he wants. What does it sound like to all of you?? Is it possible to want to be with someone but the timing is just off? Sometimes I get so confused why he cant be with me right now if he really does want me...He did say a few weeks ago that he doesnt know what he wants..which I interpret as he doesnt know if he wants me? Or could it mean he's confused when he spends time with me and wants to be with me, but cant fully give of himself right now? I'm just so confused and it hurts not knowing where I stand. Should I just give him his emotional space and just show him the happy confident me? Have fun together and let it grow from there? I have discovered that when we have a good time, he calls me more..and when I start to push, he pulls away. PLEASE HELP...any advice or insight would be so very appreciated. I'm so torn on what to do, or how to act with him. Link to post Share on other sites
look forward Posted February 25, 2004 Share Posted February 25, 2004 odisea I am really sorry your suffering hon but my only suggestion would be to back away from your ex and leave him to sort himself out or this yo yoing behaviour will continue and you will continue to feel completely lost and hurt.. Your ex sounds like he needs time to sort himself out so I would respect that and give it to him this means no calling, no texting, no e-mails leave him well alone.. I know its hard but its the only way as you said yourself when you contact him he backs away.. Also there is absolutely nothing wrong with asking him what was going on between the two of you DO NOT blame yourself for this you had a right to ask.. Busy yourself with getting on with your life see friends, go out etc if its meant to be he will come back if not you can move on with your life.. Love and hugs XX Link to post Share on other sites
Author odisea Posted February 26, 2004 Author Share Posted February 26, 2004 Besides all that I said in my last post, I have a new dilemna. I haven't called him since we last saw each other, and tonght he called me. We talked for a bit, and it felt good holding myself back and staying in control. By not calling him, it feels that I am not as vulnerable as I was when I called him more. What I am wondering is if I should call him once, now that he's called me..or should I just keep the distance right now and let him come to me? I think that it is a good sign that he still calls and wants to see me once or twice a week, and that if I play my cards right I'll have a good chance of becoming his girlfriend again...the only thing is I dont know exactly what to do. The no contact rule I can apply only in not calling as much and letting it be his idea to hang out. I cant apply it completely because we are still in contact. I dont understand why I am having such a hard time. I just cant let go because for the first time I have met someone who I feel connected to, and I really dont want to walk away on something that may turn out good..but I also dont want to be hurt. What should I do? What should my next step be?? Link to post Share on other sites
look forward Posted February 26, 2004 Share Posted February 26, 2004 your having a hard time and cant let go because your in love with the guy honey plain and simple.. the no contcat rule applies to a point if he is contacting you dont shut him out completly and yes its a good sign the ball is now in your court so to speak... dont rush anything take things nice and slow.. if he calls to talk then just do that sont act overly keen take it one day at a time and hopefully you guys can reconile.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author odisea Posted February 27, 2004 Author Share Posted February 27, 2004 I never thought about it that way, and I think you're right...I am in love with him. I wondered if I was, but it makes sense to me because I just cant even imagine myself walking away right now. I want more than anything to hang on and be patient. I know that it is one-sided at this point...he has a wall up and I know he isn't letting himself get too close. It makes me sad knowing this, but I'm hoping that with my patience he will come to terms with his trust issues and that in the meantime just having fun with me and spending time with no pressures, that he'll fall in love. One thing I am fearful of is that spending time together, cuddling, and occasionally spending the night together will lead him to take me for granted. Having the perks of being with me without having to make more of a commitment. I am only giving him my time and patience because when he feels ready like he said he will, that we can step it up a notch..I am worried that he wont want to if he feels he already has me. But, on the other hand, I think maybe spending that time together, and even sleeping next to each other on occasion without any pressures will lead to him saying he wants to call me his girlfriend again..because he'll feel like I already am. I just want right now to have him feel pleasure in my company. I wish this wasn't so hard. It is the second time I've been in love, but the first time I was loved back. Link to post Share on other sites
look forward Posted February 27, 2004 Share Posted February 27, 2004 odisea dont let him have his cake and eat it if your not comfortable with that and you have strong feelings for this guy i really wouldn't advise the whole friends with benefits scenario.. I just wouldn't want you to get hurt over it.. Try and set yourself some boundries I know its hard but you need to protect yourself.. what if you guys carry on like this and then he turns around one day and says he is dating someone else.. there is nothing you can say cos you guys are just friends see what i mean.. just be careful and take things really slow with him... he sounds really confused and in my book the best thing for someone who is confused is to give them space so give him as much as possible... I know you love this guy but you have to think about yourself and you dont want to get hurt so keep it light and nothing heavy and see how you get on.. Love and hugsXX Link to post Share on other sites
theedge Posted February 27, 2004 Share Posted February 27, 2004 I say don't wait for him. You sound like you need physical and emotional needs met and right now he will be inconsistant. If you are on a break then play the field a bit. Thing is once he sees you are dating, I am sure he will be so scared of loosing you that he will try to come back. Your choice on if you let him back in. Link to post Share on other sites
gaia Posted February 27, 2004 Share Posted February 27, 2004 You obviously love him and it sounds to me as if he feels very strongly about you. Something just seems to kick in when things look like they might be getting serious and he backs off big time. But he is having difficulty staying away from you and it doesn't sound like he's taking advantage - more like there is something holding him back. I wouldn't give up on him yet. I had a similar scenario with my husband when we first met and we've been together happily for 10 years now. But he does need space to work these things out. I think the no contact idea is a good one. Be honest with him. Tell him you really like him, you'd like to be his GF and see how things go. No point talking about forever, because you don't know if that's what you want yet. Tell him you think he needs space to sort himself out and set some boundaries so you both know what the score is. I really hope it works out for you Link to post Share on other sites
Author odisea Posted February 27, 2004 Author Share Posted February 27, 2004 Thank you for your replies! It means a lot to have you all to talk to about this..it also helps me out to read everything other people on here are going through. I made a little mistake today. I'm going out tonight and the desire to not call him was overcome with the desire to have him come out with me..so I called and left a message with his roommate and he hasn't called me back :~( That is exactly why I dont want to call...it feels good when he calls me and feels bad when I call him and dont get a reply. It also doesn't make me feel like he thinks about me all that much. I know if he called me and left a message, I'd feel rude not calling back. It's consideration..and though he doesnt want me to push right now, I expect that same consideration from my friends. Now I fear I wont have as good a time tonight because of him...grrrr :~( Link to post Share on other sites
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