Bride-to-be asks: Can I rescind an offer to a bridesmaid?

[Kem]

My wedding is in less than 6 months. I don't have many females in my life. I have a brother and no cousins in the United States. I have never had close girlfriends or much luck with other females in general (see my post under "Friends").

 

My Maid of Honor is one of my fiance's close friends. She is a gem and she's like a sister that I never had. She lives far away though. This is bridesmaid #1.

 

For the next two bridesmaids, I asked a friend from high school (also living in another state, AKA bridesmaid #2) and a friend that I met within this past year who lives near me (bridesmaid #3). Bridesmaid #2 doesn't communicate with me in any other way other than Facebook and email. Bridesmaid #3 is going through a divorce and some personal issues so she wasn't certain. She is for sure now.

 

I panicked and started looking for other potential bridesmaids. I sought out my fiance's colleague/friend who is this fiery redhead that I get along with very well (bridesmaid #4). However, she and her husband are trying to get pregnant with their second so she might not be able to travel with us. Last but not least, I asked my fiance's cousins' stepsister (bridesmaid #5).

 

The question of this post applies to the last bridesmaid. She also lives out of state and I only see her when we visit my in-laws and she happens to be in town. I've asked her to call me and she would agree but never calls. I don't have her phone number. I communicate with her through Facebook only. I don't feel very comfortable about this, among other things.

 

Bridesmaid #5 mentioned to me about having to save money for my and her other cousin's wedding next year. I am very understanding and considerate of this. I told her that all she'll have to do is get herself to the wedding the day before and she can stay with me in my hotel room that I will be getting for the night before the wedding since we're all coming from out of town.

 

I'd like to keep my budget for the wedding LOW, however I offered to pay for the bridesmaid dresses NOT knowing that I may end up having FIVE. I originally wanted only THREE. I plan on treating all my bridesmaids to a day at the spa the day before the wedding and give them each a special gift to express my gratitude. Hair and makeup won't be cheap either, unless they do it themselves. My bridesmaids have A LOT of flexibility for their dresses...

 

I'm grateful that two of the bridesmaids insist on paying for their own dresses and the other two didn't respond to my offer, leading to my assumption that they are planning to pay for their own. The ONE bridesmaid that jumped on the offer is bridesmaid #5. I was still happy and wanting to pay for her until she made me question her character.

 

I now have reservations. I need help as to whether I can rescind the offer to pay for the dress or have her NOT be my bridesmaid altogether. HOW can I do this? She ignored all of the dresses that are on sale that I suggested. At first, she found a dress that she liked for $100 and mentioned that it was also on sale. However, as she continues to pick her dress the price tag is INCREASING.

 

We still have several months to go. I do not want to end up paying several hundred dollars for HER dress. Whereas, my bridal gown was found on Ebay for cheap. This won't be fair for my other bridesmaids, not just my budget. Like I said, she won't call me. I wrote her asking for an address so that I can send a $100 check to her in advance but she never replied. I don't know how to better communicate with her.

 

I'm guessing that she wants her "fair share" so is not liking how I'm trying to limit my expense towards her to one hundred dollars. It's been almost a week and no reply. She doesn't talk to me to know that I'm back in school full time for another degree because the job market sucks. My fiance and I are paying for our wedding ourselves, from our own savings. This does not mean that I want to deplete my savings.

 

I think that I have stated my situation clearly enough for anyone reading but feel free to ask me any more questions about anything that may seem unclear. What should I do? What can I do? I still don't mind paying for her dress but would like to limit it to $100 per bridesmaid. In addition, if I don't have to pay for their dresses, then I can pamper them in other ways. Remember, I have a wedding to pay for with NO help from mommy!!!

[that girl]

The ONE bridesmaid that jumped on the offer is bridesmaid #5. I was still happy and wanting to pay for her until she made me question her character.

Why are you questioning her charecter? Because she took you up on your offer to pay for the dress?

 

 

I'm guessing that she wants her "fair share" so is not liking how I'm trying to limit my expense towards her to one hundred dollars.

You asked a near stranger to be in your wedding party, which is hard to turn down. Letting them pick the dress is nice of you, but even staying with you she'll have travel expenses and gifts to buy. I would assume she just wants a dress she likes rather than she is trying to milk you.

 

You are in a very awkward position because this bridesmaid isn't a friend or family member. You aren't close to any of your bridesmaids so you can't easily appoint a ringleader. Makingt things more complicated, this girl is a quasi relative of your fiancee.

 

I think the best thing to do at this point is to get her address from someone else and mail her a check for $100 with a note saying it is to pay for the dress.

[Chocolat]

I don't know of any nice way to rescind your offer, but you could tell BM5 that your budget for the dress is $100 (or whatever it is) and that you will understand if the costs associated with being your BM will be prohibitive for her and she wants to bow out. Be very effusive about understanding her need to bow out! And give her a deadline to respond. Hopefully, she will do so.

[BlackLovely]

I don't know of any nice way to rescind your offer, but you could tell BM5 that your budget for the dress is $100 (or whatever it is) and that you will understand if the costs associated with being your BM will be prohibitive for her and she wants to bow out. Be very effusive about understanding her need to bow out! And give her a deadline to respond. Hopefully, she will do so.

I like this suggestion. I would have also been much more careful about offering to pay for anything, especially if money was an issue.

 

I just planned my destination wedding. When I was thinking of having a traditional ceremony, there were no dresses under $150, unless they were on sale. For this reason, less than $100 for a bridesmaid dress seems like a very low price to me.

 

I agree with Thatgirl when she says questioning the bridesmaid's character is not necessary. You cannot offer something and then be upset when someone accepts.

 

Also, saying that someone "probably never had a wedding" is very rude. Just because you don't like someone, it doesn't mean that nobody wants them. Ditto for insulting a fellow poster, simply because they disagree with you. I think we're supposed to be polite to each other.

[Kem]

Chocolat, thank you!

 

I will continue to offer BM5 a check for $100 so that she can do whatever she wants with it. I will offer her a way out. I wouldn't have mind if she had refused me initially.

 

Thank you for your advice on HOW to give her the opportunity to bow out. I will also include that I understand that she is also saving up for our other cousin's wedding. That wedding will probably cost BM5 more because that cousin still gets funding from mom and dad.

[Kem]

BlackLovey,

 

I'm assuming that you're not paying for your bridesmaids? There are plenty of dresses for around $100, and less if they are on clearance. What's wrong with clearance? I'm look for deals all the time.

 

My wedding is also a destination wedding, these cost a little less than traditional. A $100 for a dress seems low to you because you're not paying for it. You haven't heard about brides picking out ugly and EXPENSIVE dresses for their bridesmaids to pay for? I'm not that bride.

 

Wow... why is it not apparent that I'm not upset about the bridesmaid ACCEPTING the offer? I want to limit my wedding expenses and wrote her to offer $100 in the mail but she's not RESPONDING! I know that my offer is still more generous than some people.

 

That Girl "probably never had a wedding" because she obviously does not know the COSTS. Rude or not is a matter of interpretation. In addition, there is NO disagreement to be had. All I wanted in this post was a solution to the question proposed.

 

I got the solution from Chocolat so I won't be returning to this thread anymore. Have a nice day.