FreeMe Posted February 25, 2004 Share Posted February 25, 2004 It used to matter. Every time the 25th of the month came up we would at least acknowledge it, sometimes talk about that day and what we were feeling and how we almost didn't get together. Now it seems like he doesn't even want to think about it. I mentioned it yesterday and he changed the subject. He doesn't say he loves me much anymore and hardly ever compliments me and NEVER says he's lucky to have me anymore. He doesn't say sweet things at all actually. He used to be really sweet and sensitive and tender. He used to say I hope you never get tired of hearing me say I love you and I hope you never get tired of me touching you, etc. He used to act like I was a prize. He told me that what I saw was the way he was (that he wasn't putting on an act or anything) and I believed him. I didn't want a gift or anything for today - just acknowledgment and maybe a few moments shared over it. That's all. We used to have a lot of fun talking about all the feelings we had and it still gives me warm fuzzies to think/talk about. We were having some problems the week before Valentine's day. He didn't get me anything or acknowledge that in any way. I was hurt but the next day it seemed like we had cleared up some of the other problems for the time being and things have been going better. We've been planning a short trip and talking about the upcoming summer. Yesterday when I brought up the anniversary and he seemed to not have any feeling about it and changed the subject, I started feeling down and like he didn't love me. Does it sound like something is wrong? does it sound like he's lost feelings for me? He's so different than he seemed like he was going to be. We live together and if he's just going to get more and more distant with every passing month/year whatever, I know I won't be satisfied. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted February 25, 2004 Share Posted February 25, 2004 First of all, you have a communication problem with your boyfriend if you have to come to a message board to discuss this rather than tell your mate how you feel (not that you aren't very welcome here!!!) It's so very important to let your feelings be known right then and there so they can be discussed and explanations can be given. There is obviously a very compelling reason why he avoided the subject in an uncustomary way and it may be symptomatic of serious problems he's having with the relationship overall. Something is wrong but there's no way of guaging his feelings for you from this vantage point. Don't panic until you have a talk with him. Get all this out in the open but don't cut him down or be confrontational. He can't argue with you if you simply tell him you were hurt by this. Many aspects of a relationship will change over a period of time as one or both begin to take the other for granted...and just get "used" to the other. But something like a special anniversary should certainly be enthusiastically acknowledged. I'm afraid we can't help read your guy's mind from here. But when you let him know how his neglect made you feel, and do that as soon as possible, add to this thread and let us know just what he said. You're questions are very legitimate and he owes you the answers. P.S. I also think Valentine's Day ought to be observed by lovers in some way, even if they're having problems. Link to post Share on other sites
Author FreeMe Posted February 25, 2004 Author Share Posted February 25, 2004 Thank You for responding Tony, I always value your advice when I read it in other threads. You're right I do plan on talking to him about, but I don't want to be emotional, which is really hard for me. I'm trying to get a handle on things before I say anything. I also thought I'd give him a chance to say something since it is still early in the day. I know from experience with him that if I say he's changed or not acting the same, even in a non-confrontational way, he gets defensive and pulls away. I don't want that to happen. I admit I'm afraid of hearing him say that it doesn't mean much to him. He's said things like that before when I felt like he wasn't being affectionate his answer was "this is the way I am." and my answer was "well it wasn't the way you were". Then he pulls away. I know no one can read his mind here, just wanted some input - even other folks own experience perhaps with similar situations. Link to post Share on other sites
Errol Posted February 25, 2004 Share Posted February 25, 2004 Tell him up front that you don't want to cry or get emotional but that you might and please excuse you. Then tell him that you are concerned about the relationship because you think his feelings have changed. Tell him that it's important to discuss these things for both of you to be happy and acknowledge that you are not trying to play the blame game and you don't want him to get defensive because you know that it takes two to be happy or sad in a relationship and you honestly just want to talk with him, not to him or at him. Hopefully this will put you both at ease and you can talk. Remember to listen to him - take what he says and repeat it back to him, but in your own words so that he knows you are listening and UNDERSTANDING what he is saying. Ask him to do the same for you and that way you are really communicating. Good luck & hope it turns out well for both of you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author FreeMe Posted February 25, 2004 Author Share Posted February 25, 2004 Thanks Errol, That's excellent advice to always keep in mind! Here's what happened. It actually came up on instant message. He said the day doesn't mean the same to him as it does to me because two days after we got together I had sex with someone else (I was still involved with somone else). Well, that's true and I can understand not being thrilled about that, but he was also still with someone else - they just weren't sexually active. When we first got together we knew quickly that it was something special, but we didn't know within two days! I told him we had separate lives then and he said it's not that he thinks I did anything wrong. So I said if he wants to ruin the memories of what we had with that (something I'd rather forget completely) then that's ridiculous. I could do the same with some things he said and did too, but I don't. Also, he knows I regret that and for me, it does not take away from how amazing, intense, and wonderful our beginnings were. I think that it was obviously on his mind but that it's also a bit of an excuse not to celebrate the day. He admitted at the end of the conversation that he's bad about things like anniversaries and stuff. What do you all think of this? Anyone... Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted February 25, 2004 Share Posted February 25, 2004 Hold on. You've acknowledged the day every month until this one? Did he only just find out about this other incident? If so, that would explain why the shine's off the occasion for him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author FreeMe Posted February 25, 2004 Author Share Posted February 25, 2004 Yes we did acknowledge it every other month, but the past couple of months we were having some issues and so we didn't talk about it much. Just kind of mentioned it and grinned a little. I can't remember exactly when we had the last conversation about that. I had actually told him early on - in the first 3 weeks of the relationship. Last time it came up - maybe 4 months ago - I assumed he remembered that but apparently he didn't so it was as if he had heard it for the first time. Link to post Share on other sites
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