I REALLY Messed Up!!

[2.50 a gallon]

mwisdom

 

"All I want to do is go home and hold her"

 

You say that now, but if she was to relent in the next week and take you back the odds are that you would eventually backtrack to your old ways again.

 

For now you understand that you need to learn lifes lesson so that if you ever get that fourth chance, you will not strike out again.

 

If I was in your shoes, I think that I would do my best to maintain no contact until she contacts you, and then let her ask how your progressing. To push will just drive her further away.

[mwisdom]

YGG,

 

Thank you again for your kind words and insight.

 

And Thank-you!

I'm crying right now. It doesn't matter that you are not my stbx, what matters is that a man out there who has this problem is trying to do something about it.

 

I am sorry that you're husband is treating you this way. I am hardly in a position to say it, but if more men had a true, deep love for the wives maybe these types of issues could be worked out better. I DO deeply love my wife. I WANT to get to bottom of my issues. I WANT to be the husband she deserves.

 

Thankyou for being a husband that considers his wife's feelings about this matter worthy of consideration... That you are considering your wife's feelings worthy of respect here, is what brought tears to my eyes. Yes, earlier would have been best for your marriage, but where there is effort, there is hope.

 

In the 12 years we have been together and the nine that we have been married, I have always tried to put her first (with a notable exception). All I have ever wanted was for her to be happy. I am devistated that I have hurt her so deeply and, as I have said before, I am willing to do ANYTHING to fix that.

 

It is also I believe, a cry for help that the partial trail was left. It is a sign that what you really want is true intimacy, but you're unsure of the path to get there. I bolded that because I hope it sinks in and you realize it.

 

I think you are right here, too. I hate myself for doing these things. I always feel ashamed afterwards. And yet, I still do it.

 

I DO want REAL intimacy, but I do not know how to acheive it. I thought I did, but I keep that part of me walled up and hidden.

 

I wish I could hug you for doing all the right things.

 

I'll consider this a virtual (platonic!) hug.

[mwisdom]

mwisdom

 

"All I want to do is go home and hold her"

 

You say that now, but if she was to relent in the next week and take you back the odds are that you would eventually backtrack to your old ways again.

 

For now you understand that you need to learn lifes lesson so that if you ever get that fourth chance, you will not strike out again.

 

If I was in your shoes, I think that I would do my best to maintain no contact until she contacts you, and then let her ask how your progressing. To push will just drive her further away.

 

You are probably right 2.50, that is what happened in the past. As I have stated previously I am committed to fixing myself. I just hope that when I do get fixed, she is willing to accept me.

[mwisdom]

So, over the weekend things got worse. After only three weeks of seperation she has hired a lawyer. She refuses to go to counceling with me to try to save this marriage.

 

I, on the other hand, am doing everything I can to fix my issues.

 

But, there are other things that I have not mentioned yet that complicate the whole situation. Let me explain.

 

Since mid-April a friend of ours has been livining in the apartment we have in our garage. He is going through a divorce right now and was only supposed to stay until he could find his own place. This man has been a friend of my wife's for longer than she and I have known each other. He is also an alcoholic.

 

Since he moved in my wife has been spending a lot of time sitting on the patio with him. Nearly every night instead of sitting with me. Sometimes as late as 1:00 or 2:00 in the morning. When I confronted my wife about this she said he needed to talk and she was just helping him. I told her that it was hurting me and that I missed my wife. Her response was that she may be out talking to him, but she came to bed with me.

 

A few weeks before she asked me to leave I told my wife I wanted to go up stairs for some intimate time. She said she needed to go out back a minute and would be right there. Thirty minutes later she had still not come up and, when I went to look for her I did not see her on the patio or in the garage. I took out the trash and when I came back into the yard I found them facing each other and seperating as if they had just kissed.

 

There was an enormous fight about this. She denied that that even happend and said I was imagining things. Like the time she ran her fingers through his hair while sitting on the porch swing in front of me and draping her leg accross his.

 

Fast forward to this weekend. I was at a friend's house in the neighborhood where our house is and drove past the house. Who do you suppose was walking out the front door of my house? He was. When I called him later he denied being in the house at all.

 

Why would a man, who has been seperated from his wife for six months, be in the house with my wife watching TV in the dark?

 

My inclination at this point is to evict him. Then move back into MY home. If she wants to work it out -- and I ABSOLUTELY want to -- she will have to do it with me living there. If she does not, she will have to face me -- no more emailing me that she has hired a lawyer.

 

I know I am coming accross as angry right now. But, I am. I know what I did was wrong and I WILL continue to work on fixing myself. But, isn't what she is doing sort of the same thing? Isn't what she is doing sort of an affair whether they are sleeping together or not?

 

I am so upset I don't know what to do...

Edited October 11, 2010 by mwisdom

[Ariadne]

I am so upset I don't know what to do...

 

Let her enjoy her late talks with this dude if that is what she wants to do.

 

You are not her boss.

 

Maybe she'll get tired eventually and want to go back to what she had with you, but she'll have to decide that herself.

 

Good luck.

[mwisdom]

Let her enjoy her late talks with this dude if that is what she wants to do.

 

You are not her boss.

 

Maybe she'll get tired eventually and want to go back to what she had with you, but she'll have to decide that herself.

 

Good luck.

 

By that logic, nor is she the boss of me... So, moving back into MY house should not be an issue.

[Ariadne]

By that logic, nor is she the boss of me... So, moving back into MY house should not be an issue.

 

Do you really want to move back to that house?

 

It sounds like it would not bring peace for anybody.

 

But if you think it's a good idea then sure!

[mwisdom]

Do you really want to move back to that house?

 

It sounds like it would not bring peace for anybody.

 

But if you think it's a good idea then sure!

 

See, that's what I am struggling with. I feel like if I move back and evict him I can at least cut that line that has been so very destructive to me personally.

 

And, it is MY house. She owns a house about 15 miles away that she wants me to move into. But, its not my home. I want the comfort of my home and my things.

 

I also think -- perhaps mistakenly -- that if I am there it makes it more difficult for her to avoid my requests for marriage counseling and go through with a divorce.

[Ariadne]

I feel like if I move back and evict him I can at least cut that line that has been so very destructive to me personally.

 

You would have to use force and violence (in a way) for that and that usually is destructive.

 

You'll have to see if that will bring happiness or more trouble, and know that things will settle for the best eventually.

[You Go Girl]

She's having an exit affair with him. I had one too. She's found a shoulder to lean on, and it's this guy, and it's a train wreck in the making too. But for now, he's giving her that shoulder to lean on.

An exit affair is sabotage to your marriage. She is doing it because of the anger and pain. She is doing it because it would be so much more painful to have to endure the demise of your marriage without someone to lean on. She is doing it because she feels she held on so very long enduring the pain of your sneaky behavior, her being true to you, you, not being true back to her.

It is not the answer for her. But it is going to take her some time to see that. Leave her alone. Let her conduct her affair. At this time, she needs it emotionally. It will take months for that to end. Let her do it, let her face things and see that affair for what it is when she is ready. Don't force her, or try to make her see it for what it is. Let her find out on her own. She's in too much pain to face the reality of detaching from you without leaning on somebody else.

You sought your pleasure to alleviate your pain. She is doing the same. Don't point a finger at her for what you have done.

You have to realize the errs of your ways on your own, nobody could make you do that. She also deserves that right, to figure it out on her own.

You could force your way back in, and what will it accomplish? Let the house of cards she is building with this guy crumble on its own, as it will, soon enough. They stand almost zero chance. It's practically a guarantteed thing that they will fall apart when she is emotionally ready to face the pain of divorcing you.

[mwisdom]

Two seperate people did something extraordinary for me yesterday. One I had never met before and one I had only met twice. Still they both did something that absolutely floored me. They gave me a gift that, though we are near strangers, was exactly what I needed. They both gave me the same gift in different ways. One told me that, though I am a deeply wounded and flawed man, I am a worthwhile person. The other gave me a beautiful leather-bond Bible with a hand-written inscription in the front that says; "Every promise in this book is for you. God has never broken a promise. I pray that God's word will comfort you throughout the rest of your life. Be blessed."

 

Both of these people gave me the same gift; they both gave me hope.

[mwisdom]

Well, Friday the worst happened; I got served with divorce papers. So, today I have an appointment with a lawyer. I hate that this is happening and that I have to protect myself. I hate that, in less than a month, we went from being a loving couple to opposing each other over a divorce table. I hate that for the rest of my life I may never get to hold her in my arms, kiss her, and tell her I love her.

[seibert253]

Well, Friday the worst happened; I got served with divorce papers. So, today I have an appointment with a lawyer. I hate that this is happening and that I have to protect myself. I hate that, in less than a month, we went from being a loving couple to opposing each other over a divorce table. I hate that for the rest of my life I may never get to hold her in my arms, kiss her, and tell her I love her.

 

Though you may never get to do these again, you probably will be better off in the long run.

If you keep looking back, you will soon be headed in that direction.

[You Go Girl]

I'm sorry things are going for the worse, mwisdom. But why didn't you correct your actions before it came to this point? 10 years of uncertainty of what's in a H's head is a looooooooooooooong time for a W.

Your misery has company. She may be in her exit affair as a buffer to the pain, but it only postpones a little of it, she's still feeling much of it, and there's no avoiding feeling all of it, doesn't matter if alcoholic lover is in the picture or not.

Listen, you can get down on your knees in a couple months and ask her to please not throw away it all. She might listen to you. But she is in crazyland...see what has happened is that your actions have caused a reaction, and not a healthy one for her either. She's nuts over why and what you have done. This is how she is expressing her pain. She's in self-destruct mode.

You can try pleading before the judge's gavel hits the podium, or you can wait even longer until her head's on straight. It's all up to you whether she is worth it, if it takes a few months, if it takes a year, who knows?

That's the point you're at. At what point do you give up? That's up to you...how much you love her or don't anymore.