how can i help you say g'bye?

[devon]

i now know the true meaning of that song. just no answer. i had a post a while ago "sisterhood" i was going to travel 900 miles to see my sisters after not seeing them for eight years, only phone contact. i posted about how freaked out i was about making the trip and seeing my sisters. well it went so great that i hated leaving my home town. i visited my child hood home, the apt. where my mom died and the cemetary. i hurried through all of it, holding back the tears so hard that my chest hurt, telling myself i'd cry later when i was alone. that night i couldn't sleep, so i went out to the car to get some meds my doc. gave me for the anxiety. i looked around the sky, the night air, thinking of my mom who died eight years ago and missing her so much. the next day while we were leaving to come home, i felt such a sense of sadness. i left there 26 years ago with my babies daddy to move to colorado. i hated it then, but went to be with him. after 26 years i still had that same feeling of leaving when i did then. i left with my boyfriend of two years and my 18 year old daughter, not from them tho. since i have been back and at times before, i wake up in the night and feel so utterly alone. i know i have family in minn. and i have my kids and my b'f, but yet at times i feel so "alone". i can't describe this "alone" feeling. it freightens me. i want to run away from it. i want to tell my b'f how alone i feel, but he wouldn't understand. he would be hurt that i can't turn to him. i try to turn to him, but he is too wrapped up in other things or he just don't know how to respond to my emotional side. if i had been alone or just with my daughter, i'd let the damm burst. i am paying for being so reserved. physically, i have headaches and heartache still, emotionally, i feel i let nothing out but empty tears, and mentally i kick myself for having such little respect to not even stay five minutes at my moms grave, just to run away from my pain and not exposing it in front of others. needless to say, my b'f and daughter thought my behavior a little to odd, tho they didn't say nothing. i think they think that i handled it "o.k." but not what they thought i'd do. they thought i'd break down and cry, which i would of if i had felt safe enough to do that. now i want to go back there and bring flowers to my moms grave. 900 miles is a long way tho

[Nina]

Your mother isn't at the grave, though. She's in your heart. She doesn't need you to go to her grave to say goodbye. You can do it by lighting a candle for her in church, saying a prayer for her, or byjust sitting somewhere by yourself and silently communing with her.

 

You reacted the way that was necessary for you to protect yourself at that time. There's nothing wrong with that.

 

See, you never get over trauma. You learn to live with it. You learn to let suffering make you a stronger person.

 

I don't know if you like to read, but my mom gave me this book once and it has helped me a lot over the last few years. I've read it many times over. It's called "Man's Search for meaning" by Viktor Frankl. He was a Jewish psychiatrist sent to the worst nazi death camp, Auschwitz. He lived there for six years and lost his whole family and his new wife, but he gained a new perspective on life that allowed him to move on without being bitter.

 

He went on to establish his own school of psychotherapy in Austria and he re-married.

[Taressa]

I'm so very glad to hear that you made it to the reunion and that things went so well.

 

A large part of your loneliness now comes from the years you missed with your family. There are a lot of memories you could have made.

 

It's true that your boyfriend may not understand the alone-ness you are feeling. If he loves you, however, he would want to know. He won't be able to resolve the feeling for you but it will be of some consolation if you take another chance on opening your hurting heart to someone... make a quiet hour with him this weekend and tell him.

 

Nine hundred miles IS a long way to drive to a cemetary but if kneeling by your mama's grave, touching her headstone, and placing her favorite flower on her grave would help you say goodbye, go ahead and make that drive. You have a lot of self-healing to do, so make the trip or find another way to say goodbye.

 

Other ways to say goodbye? Perhaps visit by phone with any of her siblings if they are still alive... perhaps write her a letter asking forgiveness and telling her of your life then offer that letter to the wind or a night sky... perhaps praying to our Creator God... perhaps find someone elses' mother who needs some help now and pour out some loving help on this mother in memory of your mother...

 

I'm proud of you for making the hard trip. Don't give up on yourself and don't discount the feelings you're having now. Develop the relationships you renewed with your sisters and develop the relationship with your boyfriend too... they will be your best support. Pour your energy into them and your emptiness will gradually be filled.

 

Best wishes. I have hope for you.

[devon]

taressa and nina thank you both so much for your support. i really needed it at this time. i couldn't help but cry some more as i read both posts. they are good tears tho, i need to do alot of healing and both of you have helped me with ideas on how to, and i fully intend to try them, some if not all, what ever it takes, how ever many times it takes. i am also sending my sisters a picture of all of us taken at the reuntion, in a nice frame, i hope they will like it. thank you again. devon

I'm so very glad to hear that you made it to the reunion and that things went so well. A large part of your loneliness now comes from the years you missed with your family. There are a lot of memories you could have made. It's true that your boyfriend may not understand the alone-ness you are feeling. If he loves you, however, he would want to know. He won't be able to resolve the feeling for you but it will be of some consolation if you take another chance on opening your hurting heart to someone... make a quiet hour with him this weekend and tell him.

 

Nine hundred miles IS a long way to drive to a cemetary but if kneeling by your mama's grave, touching her headstone, and placing her favorite flower on her grave would help you say goodbye, go ahead and make that drive. You have a lot of self-healing to do, so make the trip or find another way to say goodbye. Other ways to say goodbye? Perhaps visit by phone with any of her siblings if they are still alive... perhaps write her a letter asking forgiveness and telling her of your life then offer that letter to the wind or a night sky... perhaps praying to our Creator God... perhaps find someone elses' mother who needs some help now and pour out some loving help on this mother in memory of your mother... I'm proud of you for making the hard trip. Don't give up on yourself and don't discount the feelings you're having now. Develop the relationships you renewed with your sisters and develop the relationship with your boyfriend too... they will be your best support. Pour your energy into them and your emptiness will gradually be filled. Best wishes. I have hope for you.