Thoughts on fOW making peace with fBS...?

[Brokenlady]

I also agree that HappyAtLast has given great advice.

 

In earlier posts, you mentioned that the parents hid their divorce from their children. It hasn't been very long since the children have known about you and you also mentioned that the daughter blamed you when she found out.

 

Very true. The kids have known about the A for years, even before the seperation. They have known for sure about the divorce since at least January, and given that the seperation had been at least a year by then, it was no surprise. Still, it takes a long time to get used to these things, especially when your dad is floundering around, flip flopping and never definitive until recently that the divorce is permanent.

 

A parent's infidelity can be extremely difficult for teens, as they are learning about relationships and sex and rely on having some role models. Just understand how traumatic this is for them and be kind to them, but recognize, as HappyAtLast explains, that you do not currently have a role in parenting them.

 

Yes, however I think his son recognizes the xW's nastiness towards his own girlfriend (she puts down his gf all the time in front of him) is probably not all that different from how she puts me down all the time. In a word - I think he "gets" it without anyone having to say a word.

 

I am not worried that they believe her assaults on my character, time wll bear out the truth about both of us and then they can judge for themselves without me saying a word.

 

I do not currently have a role in parenting them, yes. But I think it's important that as an adult in the orbit of their lives I should be a positive force. I genuinely like his kids and feel awful for them for what they've gone through. I wish I could make it better.

[HappyAtLast]

 

I do not currently have a role in parenting them, yes. But I think it's important that as an adult in the orbit of their lives I should be a positive force. I genuinely like his kids and feel awful for them for what they've gone through. I wish I could make it better.

 

Just continue to do that, it is very important. Let him worry about the rest. I have grown children who are very close with their stepmother, she has always been a very positive role model for them and they appreciate her greatly. She has deliberately never gotten involved in disputes between my ex and myself or my kids.

 

As you said, as they grow up, they will determine for themselves what is true and what is not. Just stay positive and give them a place where they don't need to deal with all that is going on between their parents.

[Brokenlady]

Hi BL.

 

My H's response after DDay was exactly like Owl's. This made me despair, and I can see xMOM was probably facing the same.

 

My thoughts at the time, when it was still not clear to me that xMOM and I would not end up together, were that there was no way I could put my H through xMOM being around his kids. It would have been a nightmare for him that would do none of us any good.

 

It made me sad, because I had thought of a blended family previous to DDay.

 

So, I thought I would live separately from xMOM even if we were together, and see him outside of kids time. Until either H recovered, or they were grown.

 

Is there no way you could go down this route? It would seem fairer to the kids, and to his xW. And in time, she may face her pain and move on from it.

 

I can see this has been a traumatic time for you, and you just want to move on with everyone happy. But his xW is NOT happy, so that is not possible.

 

I do not know the situation, but would she be capable of being a stable, more balanced mother in such a revised scenario? Would you or your partner be able to countenance this? Perhaps it is only a small price to pay for the peace and happiness it might bring people who were hurt by the A and the MM's behaviour?

 

Well the practical problem with this arrangement is several-fold. One - I would have resume mistress-status and essentially hide from other people who are important in his life. I think that is unfair to both me and his kids as it would compartmentalize all of us. The only person who has a problem with the kids being around me is the xW, the kids are fine. And I don't think its appropriate for DM, his kids, me, and my kids, all to have to live in a false realuty of avoiding each other just to make xW more comfortable for the next 6 years. It seems a bit much. And it is not as if my presence is "bad" for the kids, it's just that it pisses off his xW. If they were expressing genuine distress at being around me, then I'd fully agree with your scenario WW.

 

two- financially and practically (instead of living out of my suitcase as I have been doing at his house) it would make much more sense if we could move in together at some point. That is indeed why he bought a 5 bedroom house to accomodate all our kids.

 

And no, I don't think this scenario would make her more stable. We lived in just that way for 2 years after he moved out and she's only gotten worse, even before the kids meeting me. She just hasn't accepted the divorce as reality. I had hoped that if we took an extra long time, it'd be easier for her, but it didn't seem to matter. We took great pains to not "shove" our relationship "in her face" or on the kids. It was important to both of us to move slow. (I don't get these MM's who move out from W and right in with OW. Feels soooo wrong).

Edited September 24, 2010 by Brokenlady

[Brokenlady]

BL - ((HUGS)) You need them.

 

I am saddened at the posters here who seem to be cheering on the mother for her extremely poor behavior. If she is so mentally unstable she can not control her actions she has no business being primary caretaker of the children. If she is not so mentally unstable she should be horsewhipped for what she is doing to her children. Yes her exH behaved liked an A&&. But that does not excuse her behavior. I believe it actually makes it worse.

 

A mother's job is to help her children move through life, learn how to navigate the bumps in the road, to be better people. Instead she is showing them that being nasty is acceptable, that vengence is a good way to solve life's disappointments, that if you make a complete and utter a&& of yourself maybe you will get what you want.

 

Its wrong. Children should never be weapons in a battle between adults. There is absolutely no excuse for this. I don't care if he put her through hell. Those poor kids.

 

I don't get people and the idea that bad behavior is acceptable and sometimes even admirable and when it concerns children it is even more unacceptable. I admit I have I sometimes have my own failings in this matter, but I really do try. I would think most parents would do so.

 

Thank you CCL. I quite agree with your sentiments.

 

As to the bashers, I probably haven't even seen half of them because I have certain abrasive folks on ignore, and I'm not going to waste my time responding to the ones I did see.

[someday]

This is her LIFE you can’t chop it up, divide it, and put it into the compartments that you want. You are the enemy to her. Period. In her life she’s lost a lot because of your involvement with her xH. Plain and simple…and no way to sugar coat it.

 

IMO, one area of life will impact other areas of life in an individual. As you’ve said yourself you were not there for you children as much as you would have wanted to be because of the hurt you experienced. Well, your hurt ended when he finally left his xW for you, gave you want you wanted. To do that he had to take away what she wanted. Her hurt didn’t stop then, no it intensified. This fallout from what happened.

 

It is not your place to manage this or try to control this. It’s going to take her as long as it takes her to deal with this new life of hers, to get over the hurt, and to put it all in some sort of meaningful order in her mind. It’s not your place to help her with this- in fact your concern is phony. It’s not about her or her kids your concern is about you. Please, just accept that this is part of your life now- and will be until it’s not anymore.

 

You say you understand that due to the A you believe that you will suffer some sort of fallout, you said this yourself. So now deal with the fallout in a good way. Leave her alone. Keep your nose out of her life as much as you can.

 

And I’ll send you some ((((hugs)))) because this situation must be very difficult to deal with.

[Brokenlady]

 

Well, your hurt nded when he finally left his xW for you, gave you want you wanted. To do that he had to take away what she wanted. Her hurt didn’t stop then, no it intensified. This fallout from what happened.

 

Just as a point of fact, this is definitely not true. In fact whatever pain I suffered at knowing when he was going home to her everynight was nothing compared the distress I had at how he flipflopped and how badly he treated both of us after he left her. Everynight I had to wonder if he was lying to me and was with her and every so often he'd call me over to tell me he missed his kids too much and had to go back to her (though he never actually did). I wondered why he stalled on the divorce and spent so much time in her house. I wondered why he refused to visit the kids at his own house, rather than hers. I wondered why he didn't love me enough to really be certain and choose me. I wondered why, after so long and after the divorce I was still being treated like a mistress, why he still lied to her about me and minimized me to her after the divorce. I suspect she and I went through the same torment at that time, both never knowing, both being lied to, both being pitted aginst the other, and both being treated badly.

 

My pain didn't start to assuage until very recently, when he started setting boundaries and treating me well --after years of hell. Please don't think I had an easy time of it. Neither of us did.

Edited September 24, 2010 by Brokenlady

[someday]

No, I'm not saying or thinking that this was easy for you, but it is over for you. He's with you. She went thru all of that too, but from a different perspective. Her outcome was not what she had hoped for, yours outcome is what you hoped for. I'm not trying to compare your pain to hers, just saying that she's got a true ending to deal with and you have a true beginning. Understand?

 

I always try to think of the reasons why a person acts the way they do. It helps me understand and helps me put it into perspective for myself.

[OWoman]

BL, it sounds from what you say here that the kids have previously expressed (and continue to express, through disparaging their mother) the desire to live primarily with their father. Perhaps a good starting point would be to arrange counselling for them through their schools (I don't know if schools in the US, where I assume you are? have counsellors / guidance teachers, but if not, even a sympathetic class teacher can help) or through a local social worker connected to the children's / family courts. The counsellor can ask them about their preferred custody arrangements, and to protect the kids it can be "ordered" from the courts in the kids' best interests, so that they're not seen to be choosing one parent over the other.

 

It can also be ordered contingent on her mental health, so that when she can demonstrate to the court that she's once again fit to resume primary custody, that can be revisited (if the kids want that). It should not be seen as "punishment" or some kind of vindictiveness towards the fBW, but the welfare of the kids HAS to come before the welfare of either parent. If she realises that her behaviour is sabotaging her R with her kids - and possibly her access to them - it might encourage her to get help.

 

My H didn't ask for full or primary custody - he asked that custody be shared (legally) and (de facto) determined by the kids, which works pretty well now. Initially they were with us pretty much full time, but as their mother has gotten her life more together, they've been going over there more and it's far more equally shared now (though, of course, they spent most of the time with their friends anyway).

[Spark1111]

BL, Dad and kids can go to both IC and family counseling. If the IC believes they are being abused, they have to report it to others.

 

If that beomes the case, then I would encourage DM to seek full custody. If not, then I hope they gain useful tools for dealing with their mother's anger and pain.

 

Like OW said, at a certain age they gain the autonomy to be with, visit whomever they wish outside the court's total control.

 

Take the high road. Be supportive; never allow them to disparage one parent or another in front of you; and let them figure this out on their own. They will in time.

[JustJoe]

BL, it sounds from what you say here that the kids have previously expressed (and continue to express, through disparaging their mother) the desire to live primarily with their father. Perhaps a good starting point would be to arrange counselling for them through their schools (I don't know if schools in the US, where I assume you are? have counsellors / guidance teachers, but if not, even a sympathetic class teacher can help) or through a local social worker connected to the children's / family courts. The counsellor can ask them about their preferred custody arrangements, and to protect the kids it can be "ordered" from the courts in the kids' best interests, so that they're not seen to be choosing one parent over the other.

 

It can also be ordered contingent on her mental health, so that when she can demonstrate to the court that she's once again fit to resume primary custody, that can be revisited (if the kids want that). It should not be seen as "punishment" or some kind of vindictiveness towards the fBW, but the welfare of the kids HAS to come before the welfare of either parent. If she realises that her behaviour is sabotaging her R with her kids - and possibly her access to them - it might encourage her to get help.

 

My H didn't ask for full or primary custody - he asked that custody be shared (legally) and (de facto) determined by the kids, which works pretty well now. Initially they were with us pretty much full time, but as their mother has gotten her life more together, they've been going over there more and it's far more equally shared now (though, of course, they spent most of the time with their friends anyway).

Owoman is right on the money.

[JustJoe]

BL, this is NOT your problem, leave it alone. Maybe not now, but eventually, your attempted inclusion into THEIR business can and will be resented The most likely scenerio is that the EXW's behavior will moderate, as time passes, and as the kids see this, who do you think is going to be resented? Give you two guesses. My Mom's FAP died recently, we didn't have a party, but we weren't sad, either.

[Dexter Morgan]

Thank you CCL. I quite agree with your sentiments.

 

As to the bashers, I probably haven't even seen half of them because I have certain abrasive folks on ignore, and I'm not going to waste my time responding to the ones I did see.

 

so I take it you see telling you to leave the wife alone as bashing then?

[worlybear]

Yes, he's made terrible decisions. Even so, he is easily the more stable of the two and I believe he is genuine about leading a better life now. I believe he will act in their best interests no matter what she, I, or anyone else says about it.

And despite the eloquent silence emanating from him and the fact that he has chosen to put you and your family 1st- do you seriously believe he will act in the best interests of his children and not himself? And exactly how does he intend to lead a better life? Look at his track record!!

[JustJoe]

Good thoughts, Worlybear. Yeah, this guy hasn't exactly been the most selfless person, has he? BL, I wouldn't get my hopes up, about this, if I were you.

[wheelwright]

Well the practical problem with this arrangement is several-fold. One - I would have resume mistress-status and essentially hide from other people who are important in his life. I think that is unfair to both me and his kids as it would compartmentalize all of us. The only person who has a problem with the kids being around me is the xW, the kids are fine. And I don't think its appropriate for DM, his kids, me, and my kids, all to have to live in a false realuty of avoiding each other just to make xW more comfortable for the next 6 years. It seems a bit much. And it is not as if my presence is "bad" for the kids, it's just that it pisses off his xW. ).

 

There is seldom I feel so much about an issue on LS as I do this one. And my position has nothing to do with being loved or in the right.

 

You would NOT resume mistress status if you were OK with where his heart is at. Not possible.

 

Not true the kids are fine. It is the xW who instigates, but the kids are not OK. i.e the W is unhappy, and the kids get this.

 

If you care about his kids, spending the next six years making their mother happy will be part of it. Of course you p***** her off.

 

That must be part of it? You got involved with her and her happiness when you got involved with his kids.

 

The idea that she should move on and there should be be no way in which your behaviour bends to her other than to be nice to her kids, is naive about what the heart of this mother feels?

 

You BL, have talked with heart on these threads. Show some of this to this woman who is finding it hard to be a mother. Make it easier for her.

 

Oh, and the kids are not fine if their mother is not. So your role may be to help make the mother fine, because then your new SO will be fine. Because his rest lies with his kids.

 

I beg you, don't do what you are saying you might. And don't stand back. You and he seem to be finding a R that may work. Both your roles now involve putting the kids first, even if that means bending to a difficult BS.

 

No kid is OK when their mother is unhappy. It's not your fault, but it is your responsibility now, to make this better.

[Spark1111]

There is seldom I feel so much about an issue on LS as I do this one. And my position has nothing to do with being loved or in the right.

 

You would NOT resume mistress status if you were OK with where his heart is at. Not possible.

 

Not true the kids are fine. It is the xW who instigates, but the kids are not OK. i.e the W is unhappy, and the kids get this.

 

If you care about his kids, spending the next six years making their mother happy will be part of it. Of course you p***** her off.

 

That must be part of it? You got involved with her and her happiness when you got involved with his kids.

 

The idea that she should move on and there should be be no way in which your behaviour bends to her other than to be nice to her kids, is naive about what the heart of this mother feels?

 

You BL, have talked with heart on these threads. Show some of this to this woman who is finding it hard to be a mother. Make it easier for her.

 

Oh, and the kids are not fine if their mother is not. So your role may be to help make the mother fine, because then your new SO will be fine. Because his rest lies with his kids.

 

I beg you, don't do what you are saying you might. And don't stand back. You and he seem to be finding a R that may work. Both your roles now involve putting the kids first, even if that means bending to a difficult BS.

 

No kid is OK when their mother is unhappy. It's not your fault, but it is your responsibility now, to make this better.

 

WW, I think this is beautifully and sensitively posted.

 

There are those of us who sacrifice and hide our pain for the sake to the children.

 

Then there are those whose anger spills all over them in the aftermath of infidelity and not being the chosen one.

 

I am touched by how BL wants to be a positive influence and is taking the high road with his kids. But I think any proactive demonstration will cast her once again in the role of villianess. It is heartbreakingly, a lose-lose for BL. At least for now.

 

So many do not want to take the high-road. I have unfortunately heard the term slut out of the mouths of very great ladies dealing with the finality of losing a man or a life that they loved. It is so sad.

 

And I can't help but wonder why that is.........

 

Being an AP or a BS does not always equate to being sensitive to the needs of children. I have seen all sides of the triangle fall very very short on sensitive parenting.

 

All sides.

 

And I wish it weren't so....

[SidLyon]

Thank you CCL. I quite agree with your sentiments.

 

As to the bashers, I probably haven't even seen half of them because I have certain abrasive folks on ignore, and I'm not going to waste my time responding to the ones I did see.

 

Hmm I did reply. I presume as BL did not respond to me that she considers me to be abrasive or a basher.

 

Oh well.

 

I do wonder where this ignore button is though. I've heard a lot about it but have never seen it. Can anyone point me in the right direction please.

[Brokenlady]

Hmm I did reply. I presume as BL did not respond to me that she considers me to be abrasive or a basher.

 

Oh well.

 

I do wonder where this ignore button is though. I've heard a lot about it but have never seen it. Can anyone point me in the right direction please.

 

Not at all, Sid. I just needed some more time to give it some thought.

[Brokenlady]

This is not the full story but the end result is that the former OW gave the man an ultimatum (when the boy was about 13) and said she was no longer going to be with him unless the boy returned to live virtually full time with his mother. I had never realised before how much havoc one small child could wreak in the lives of the adults around him even extending to our family because of the friendship with my son.

 

What reminded me of this was your comment that the children tell their mother they are mean to you when you say they are not. My experience tells me that they are being mean if they tell you about bad things their mother has supposedly said about you, and what's more it could be made up or embellished.

 

Perhaps I should clarify. The kids have enough tact not to say this stuff to me directly. It's things I overhear during phone conversations they have with their mom or when they talk to their friends when they're likely not aware I can hear. The kids have at times tried to manipulate little things in a "parent-trap" movie kind of way in hopes their parentswould get back together, but not recently. I think in many ways they are drawn to the calmness in our house as it so starkly contrasts with the chaos at their mom's.

 

Further, I've had occassion to talk to xW myself. They're the exact same insuts she hurled at me directly.

[Brokenlady]

There is seldom I feel so much about an issue on LS as I do this one. And my position has nothing to do with being loved or in the right.

 

You would NOT resume mistress status if you were OK with where his heart is at. Not possible.

 

Not true the kids are fine. It is the xW who instigates, but the kids are not OK. i.e the W is unhappy, and the kids get this.

 

If you care about his kids, spending the next six years making their mother happy will be part of it. Of course you p***** her off.

 

That must be part of it? You got involved with her and her happiness when you got involved with his kids.

 

The idea that she should move on and there should be be no way in which your behaviour bends to her other than to be nice to her kids, is naive about what the heart of this mother feels?

 

You BL, have talked with heart on these threads. Show some of this to this woman who is finding it hard to be a mother. Make it easier for her.

 

WW, I am not quite sure what you mean in the bolded. In his heart he wants me and his kids to be part of his life and not quarantined from each other. And I felt like a pariah for so long, I just can't go back to lurking in the shadows. Nor does he want this for me. Nor frankly do the kids want that. How would hiding and avoiding not put me right back in the same old OW place? Honestly I'd rather be alone. I can't live like that again.

 

Please remember that we tried this. We had me in the shadows and not around his kids for 2 years AFTER the separated. And all that time, she has been "in the pit". My point is, it doesn't matter whether I'm around her kids or not, her behaviors are the same. She is angry at my continued relationship with DM, but more than that she is angry that I exist. It has to do with her deep belief that he'd come back to her if I died. She has said as much to everyone who will listen.

 

What does it say to the kids if I disappear now? Mighn't it appear that I'm rejecting them? Wouldn't it substantiate all xW's claims that I'm nothing but a wh*re who has no real place in their father's life? Wouldn't that negate any good I could do for them just being a calm ear to listen? And for what? Their mother will continue to be unhappy and behave badly anyway.

 

Oh, and the kids are not fine if their mother is not. So your role may be to help make the mother fine, because then your new SO will be fine. Because his rest lies with his kids.

 

How in the world can I "make" this woman fine? She has serous and deep issues and I have no contact with her at all. Is it really the responsibility of me or any other person to "make" another person happy? We do our best to keep the peace and not aggravate her. Are we supposed to mold our lives around her? The logical extension of this is he and I should just break up and I should move away and he should go back to her. That's the only way she'll get what she wants and be "happy".

 

I beg you, don't do what you are saying you might. And don't stand back. You and he seem to be finding a R that may work. Both your roles now involve putting the kids first, even if that means bending to a difficult BS.

 

I'm not sure what you mean by this WW, can you please clarify?

 

And bending is one thing, living our whole lives walking on eggshells to suit the xW who refuses to get help for her serious issues solves nothing and only makes us all slaves to her illness.

 

No kid is OK when their mother is unhappy. It's not your fault, but it is your responsibility now, to make this better.

 

Right. But how do I do this without rearranging my whole life to suit her distorted worldview? And it that even a good lesson to the kids? How are they supposed to learn to protect themselves when everyone just avoids and is acquiesing to the demands of illness?

Edited September 25, 2010 by Brokenlady

[Brokenlady]

so I take it you see telling you to leave the wife alone as bashing then?

 

Not at all. I have left her alone. We haven't spoken for at least a year and that was when SHE called ME. I don't provoke her, and we try to avoid conflict. That IS leaving her alone.

 

What I find to be bashing is the implication that the only way to make any of this "right" is for him to return to this woman he doesn't love.... for me to understand the the failure of the M was mostly my fault, a little bit DM's and none hers. Thats preposterous. I am demonized for allegedly "not caring" about his kids during the A. I'm not responding to that bashing. It's unproductive and petulant at best.

[eeyore1981]

BL - ((HUGS)) You need them.

 

I am saddened at the posters here who seem to be cheering on the mother for her extremely poor behavior. If she is so mentally unstable she can not control her actions she has no business being primary caretaker of the children. If she is not so mentally unstable she should be horsewhipped for what she is doing to her children. Yes her exH behaved liked an A&&. But that does not excuse her behavior. I believe it actually makes it worse.

 

A mother's job is to help her children move through life, learn how to navigate the bumps in the road, to be better people. Instead she is showing them that being nasty is acceptable, that vengence is a good way to solve life's disappointments, that if you make a complete and utter a&& of yourself maybe you will get what you want.

 

Its wrong. Children should never be weapons in a battle between adults. There is absolutely no excuse for this. I don't care if he put her through hell. Those poor kids.

 

I don't get people and the idea that bad behavior is acceptable and sometimes even admirable and when it concerns children it is even more unacceptable. I admit I have I sometimes have my own failings in this matter, but I really do try. I would think most parents would do so.

 

According to the original post of this thread:

 

The father was in an affair for at least two years.

 

There was then an unspecified time where the father waffled back and forth between the OW and the BW, and tried to keep both relationships going.

 

If I'm reading correctly, sometime over a year ago, a divorce was finalized.

 

Do you, CCL, think these kids in question have suffered no trauma from this?

 

Present day, what is going on? The BXW did not tell the school she and her CXH were divorced. She refers to the OW as a whore and evil. She says CXH and OW will go to hell. She is screwing with visitation (though obviously CXH and OW are seeing the kids at least sometimes.) She wants her marriage back. She is telling her kids these things. Her kids tell her they are mean to OW to try to make her feel better. These kids are early teen in age.

 

BXW is not physically abusing the children. She is not verbally abusing the children, though she is verbally abusing the OW. IF you are a Christian, then the going to hell would be true, according to the Bible.

 

I agree BXW should not be putting the kids in the middle, but it is not on scale with the apocalypse, and IMO, it is not something that deserves having her children taken away from her. It is also, IMO, INCREDIBLY UNREASONABLE by any of the parties involved to expect a BXW to graciously bend over backwards to smooth the way for a good relationship between her children and a woman who was having an affair with her CXH for at least 2 years, no matter what was done to her.

 

These kids are at least close to old enough, if not already there, to form their own decisions, and if they decide they want to live with their father, that is a lot different than the father trying to take them away, and I hope their decisions don't end up being based on father having bought a 5-bedroom house.

[Brokenlady]

According to the original post of this thread:

 

The father was in an affair for at least two years.

 

There was then an unspecified time where the father waffled back and forth between the OW and the BW, and tried to keep both relationships going.

 

If I'm reading correctly, sometime over a year ago, a divorce was finalized.

 

Do you, CCL, think these kids in question have suffered no trauma from this?

 

Present day, what is going on? The BXW did not tell the school she and her CXH were divorced. She refers to the OW as a whore and evil. She says CXH and OW will go to hell. She is screwing with visitation (though obviously CXH and OW are seeing the kids at least sometimes.) She wants her marriage back. She is telling her kids these things. Her kids tell her they are mean to OW to try to make her feel better. These kids are early teen in age.

 

BXW is not physically abusing the children. She is not verbally abusing the children, though she is verbally abusing the OW. IF you are a Christian, then the going to hell would be true, according to the Bible.

 

I agree BXW should not be putting the kids in the middle, but it is not on scale with the apocalypse, and IMO, it is not something that deserves having her children taken away from her. It is also, IMO, INCREDIBLY UNREASONABLE by any of the parties involved to expect a BXW to graciously bend over backwards to smooth the way for a good relationship between her children and a woman who was having an affair with her CXH for at least 2 years, no matter what was done to her.

 

These kids are at least close to old enough, if not already there, to form their own decisions, and if they decide they want to live with their father, that is a lot different than the father trying to take them away, and I hope their decisions don't end up being based on father having bought a 5-bedroom house.

 

Eeyore, she is abusing the kids, herself, and everyone around her. And the kids are starting to see her behaviors in a new light, which is actually quite sad. I wish they could keep idolizing her, and that her behavior was worthy of idolizing. They deserve that.

 

As to the 5 bedroom house, rest assured it is still not nearly as fancy as the house her xH left to her free and clear in the divorce (no debt at all). She lives in a high end development in what I can only characterize as a mansion that she is destroying with her habits. She drives a brand new high end car and he drives an old thing that is falling apart. He pays her very substantial support. She could stop working an easily meet all her obligations if she were capable of managing her finances better. It's not a money contest, if that's what you're after.

[crazycatlady]

According to the original post of this thread:

 

The father was in an affair for at least two years.

 

There was then an unspecified time where the father waffled back and forth between the OW and the BW, and tried to keep both relationships going.

 

If I'm reading correctly, sometime over a year ago, a divorce was finalized.

 

Do you, CCL, think these kids in question have suffered no trauma from this?

 

Present day, what is going on? The BXW did not tell the school she and her CXH were divorced. She refers to the OW as a whore and evil. She says CXH and OW will go to hell. She is screwing with visitation (though obviously CXH and OW are seeing the kids at least sometimes.) She wants her marriage back. She is telling her kids these things. Her kids tell her they are mean to OW to try to make her feel better. These kids are early teen in age.

 

BXW is not physically abusing the children. She is not verbally abusing the children, though she is verbally abusing the OW. IF you are a Christian, then the going to hell would be true, according to the Bible.

 

I agree BXW should not be putting the kids in the middle, but it is not on scale with the apocalypse, and IMO, it is not something that deserves having her children taken away from her. It is also, IMO, INCREDIBLY UNREASONABLE by any of the parties involved to expect a BXW to graciously bend over backwards to smooth the way for a good relationship between her children and a woman who was having an affair with her CXH for at least 2 years, no matter what was done to her.

 

These kids are at least close to old enough, if not already there, to form their own decisions, and if they decide they want to live with their father, that is a lot different than the father trying to take them away, and I hope their decisions don't end up being based on father having bought a 5-bedroom house.

 

I guess I expect adults to behave like adults, and not teenagers themselves. Yes the H behaved poorly during his affair. But one poor behavior does not justify another. If you believe that to be true though, then perhaps the wife's poor behavior justified the H's cheating while married. Either poor behavior is a justification or its not.

 

And if religion gives you a reason to behave in this manner too, abusing another person and encouraging others (children) to do the same, I'm also glad that I'm not religious.

 

CCL

[JustJoe]

Bl, one thing you should accept, is that to his kids, whether or not they get along with you on a personal level , you will ALWAYS be the intruder. You intruded into their lives, not the other way around. This is what makes any attempts at "blending", families with teenagers, so hard to do. Their formative years have been with Their family, and you were not a part of that, and couldn't be. If your MM is attempting to blend the families, he is doomed to failure, it will not happen. The EXW's personal problems are THEIR family's problem, not yours. I do think that maybe you could show a little more compassion for the EXW though. Of the three parties involved, she is the LEAST at fault, but has lost the most. The life she had is ruined and you were a huge part of that. Provide positive friendship ( NOT PARENTHOOD) to his kids, and do nothing more, it is NONE of your business. Any type of polite, respectful, civilized relationship between the two families, won't happen for many years, if ever. My Mom and her AP tried to blend our families, and it did more harm than good. He (AP) went from being a non-entity, to being our enemy. If you try to interfere, it will happen to you,too.