Thoughts on fOW making peace with fBS...?

[JustJoe]

BL, I want you to know that I am trying to help. You are in a very hard place, and it will never get any easier until his kids are out on their own. Your MM's behavior in this is as bad as the EXW's . He handled everything , terribly and selfishly bad. He is the person, that bears the most blame for this very unpleasant situation, not the kids (both sets), not you and not the EXW. The same with my MOM, she handled her affair horribly bad, also. /

[eeyore1981]

Eeyore, she is abusing the kids, herself, and everyone around her. And the kids are starting to see her behaviors in a new light, which is actually quite sad. I wish they could keep idolizing her, and that her behavior was worthy of idolizing. They deserve that.

 

As to the 5 bedroom house, rest assured it is still not nearly as fancy as the house her xH left to her free and clear in the divorce (no debt at all). She lives in a high end development in what I can only characterize as a mansion that she is destroying with her habits. She drives a brand new high end car and he drives an old thing that is falling apart. He pays her very substantial support. She could stop working an easily meet all her obligations if she were capable of managing her finances better. It's not a money contest, if that's what you're after.

 

I don't see what she is doing, as posted in here, as abuse of her kids.

 

For me, the bottom line is children need their fathers, but they need their mothers more, and taking these kids away from their mother under these circumstances may make things better short-term, but is going to do more damage for the long haul than trying to find another way.

 

I guess in a perfect world, BXW would put her feelings aside and be happy her CXH had cheated on her for at least 2 years, spent another year waffling around, and finally left her for the relationship of his dreams, all for the sake of her children, but does that seem likely to actually happen? What do you think would happen if these kids were told by you and CXH that no, the mom should not be saying these things to the kids, but she is angry, and she has every right to be, because CXH sneaking around behind her back and lying to her was wrong, and CXH then going back and forth for however long and keeping her in limbo was wrong, and things should have been handled differently, but what is done is done, and now all of you should work together as a team to get BXW in a good place.

 

You got what you wanted, and CXH got what he wanted, and BXW is the one who paid the price for it. How compassionate would it be, and such a good example to finally set for these kids, to make some effort to repair the damage caused by what you both have done? How much would it cost you?

 

I'm glad this isn't a 'buying off the kids' situation, as IMO, that happens way too often, and isn't a good thing.

[eeyore1981]

I guess I expect adults to behave like adults, and not teenagers themselves. Yes the H behaved poorly during his affair. But one poor behavior does not justify another. If you believe that to be true though, then perhaps the wife's poor behavior justified the H's cheating while married. Either poor behavior is a justification or its not.

 

And if religion gives you a reason to behave in this manner too, abusing another person and encouraging others (children) to do the same, I'm also glad that I'm not religious.

 

CCL

 

IMO, what you are doing is excusing the bad behavior displayed by 2 of the 3, and then expecting the 3rd to rise above it all. I don't understand the high expectations just being directed at one of them. I'm thinking they all acted like children, and they all need to grow up. If the BXW was in here posting, I would be telling her to look at what she is doing to her kids and to cut it out, but she's not here, so I'm addressing the person making the post.

 

My H cheated on me several years ago. My children, older than the children referred to here, were adversely affected by the fallout.

 

My daughter found out shortly before I did. She went through a lot trying to decide whether to tell me or not. There were fights, silences, massive tensions, impending separations, actual separations, discoveries of what happened, lies, etc. There were a few times I told my children things that were not positive about their father, to defend myself against lies being told. Maybe it would have been better to keep my mouth shut and let my kids think poorly of me for things that weren't true, but I don't believe that. Once my H cheated on me, there was nothing I could do to keep my kids in a bubble and unaffected.

 

What the BXW is doing now is not a good thing, but neither is pretending like everything that happened before it didn't happen at all. It's all connected, and IMO, the best way to get this to stop is to acknowledge everyone's part in it, and work towards healing for all involved, not throw the one who has been hurt the most to the curb, because she is still the mother of those children.

 

 

OP brought up hell, not me. This was one of the 'complaints' she had about what BXW is doing. I stand by what I said. IF you are religious, and the handbook of your religion, in this case, the Bible, states you will go to hell if you do XXX, and you do XXX, then someone saying you are going to hell is only telling the truth, according to your belief system. (And if it helps to clarify what I'm saying, my use of the term 'your' is generic, not directed specifically to you.)

[crazycatlady]

IMO, what you are doing is excusing the bad behavior displayed by 2 of the 3, and then expecting the 3rd to rise above it all. I don't understand the high expectations just being directed at one of them. I'm thinking they all acted like children, and they all need to grow up. If the BXW was in here posting, I would be telling her to look at what she is doing to her kids and to cut it out, but she's not here, so I'm addressing the person making the post.

 

My H cheated on me several years ago. My children, older than the children referred to here, were adversely affected by the fallout.

 

My daughter found out shortly before I did. She went through a lot trying to decide whether to tell me or not. There were fights, silences, massive tensions, impending separations, actual separations, discoveries of what happened, lies, etc. There were a few times I told my children things that were not positive about their father, to defend myself against lies being told. Maybe it would have been better to keep my mouth shut and let my kids think poorly of me for things that weren't true, but I don't believe that. Once my H cheated on me, there was nothing I could do to keep my kids in a bubble and unaffected.

 

What the BXW is doing now is not a good thing, but neither is pretending like everything that happened before it didn't happen at all. It's all connected, and IMO, the best way to get this to stop is to acknowledge everyone's part in it, and work towards healing for all involved, not throw the one who has been hurt the most to the curb, because she is still the mother of those children.

 

 

OP brought up hell, not me. This was one of the 'complaints' she had about what BXW is doing. I stand by what I said. IF you are religious, and the handbook of your religion, in this case, the Bible, states you will go to hell if you do XXX, and you do XXX, then someone saying you are going to hell is only telling the truth, according to your belief system. (And if it helps to clarify what I'm saying, my use of the term 'your' is generic, not directed specifically to you.)

 

My husband cheated on me last year. And I would still go out of my way to make sure that my children are as safe as possible. Out of love for my children, for what is best for them, when I was considering seperation, they would have stayed in the home with him. Because it would have been better for them to do so.

 

I'm looking at how to handle some of the fall out of my situation in ways that will help me heal (the OW was my sister) and still protect my children. And if it means that in the end I have to swallow a great deal of hurt and pain to protect them, you darn right I will do that. If it protects the OW at the same time....ah well such is the shakes of life. I happen to know I'm capable of dealing with it. My need to protect my children is far greater then almost anything else. They aren't the reason I am staying with my H, but as for the handling of the rest, they are a very huge consideration.

 

The past can't be changed. Two wrongs do not make a right. So yes, she should get over herself and do what's best for her children. It sucks, but that's the way the cookie crumbles. Its also not helping her in the last to behave in this manner either.

 

I admire BL for coming in here and asking if there is any way she can make this situation right, or at least better. There isn't, which is sad. All she can do is not respond to the pot shots being taken at her. Or at least draw a line if they become truly abusive. She should not go back into hiding. What is done is done.

 

And I don't buy that children are better off with mothers. I know of many cases where that is not true at all and children suffer greatly because the mothers are unstable. I have always felt that the courts giving kids to mothers over the father to be a great disservice to children everywhere. I've met way more mothers who use their children as weapons then I've met fathers who do it.

[seren]

When me and my ex split up (he is the father of my son), he shortly began a relationship with his now wife, she had a daughter from a previous marriage. My son would visit, on his return home, he would say terrible things about his father and his girlfriend (none of which were true) he would, on return home, be quite distant from me for a few hours, it was almost that he was trying to take sides, even though neither of us expected or encouraged it.

It was as though he was trying to take sides and be who he thought each of us wanted him to be - we actually all just wanted him to be happy, but he was behaving as though he was in school and had to take sides with one or the other.

 

We all sat down and explained that he really didn't have to do this and that we all loved him - he also felt he had to compete for his father's time, as there was another child living with his Dad and he found that really hard. I know that the XMM's children are older, but insecurity is the same, perhaps their father needs to spend some one on one time with them and explain that their Mum is hurting and needs to have a bit of slack cut her. You don't know what they are telling her about you and your boyfriend, it might be that they are saying all sorts of stuff.

 

As for the XW, well, it sounds like there was a hell of a lot of gaslighting (for whatever reason) and that sure as hell screws with your head, I cannot imagine how I would be after 2 years of I am staying/going. However, I do not see why you should now be a secret, but if I were XW I wouldn't want my kids spending time with you both (not just yet) not until I had processed how I felt about everything. Not saying this is right, rational or acceptable, just being honest. being cheated on hurts (understatement) and it sounds like she is at the bottom of a dark pit watching her XH make a new life, new home with her kids with someone else, that must hurt. I can also understand that in an ideal world you could all just get along and life wouldn't be so complicated and the children adjusted. I hope this happens in time, but for now, I would say one on one time with their father, not for you to hide, but for them to have him to themselves for a while. I wonder if she is religous (did I read that) if she even considers herself divorced. What a sad situation for the children.

[hopesndreams]

You need to back off! Coming between a mother and her children? NO, NO, NO!

 

Don't do it!

 

*shakes head*

[bentnotbroken]

Eeyore, she is abusing the kids, herself, and everyone around her. And the kids are starting to see her behaviors in a new light, which is actually quite sad. I wish they could keep idolizing her, and that her behavior was worthy of idolizing. They deserve that.

 

As to the 5 bedroom house, rest assured it is still not nearly as fancy as the house her xH left to her free and clear in the divorce (no debt at all). She lives in a high end development in what I can only characterize as a mansion that she is destroying with her habits. She drives a brand new high end car and he drives an old thing that is falling apart. He pays her very substantial support. She could stop working an easily meet all her obligations if she were capable of managing her finances better. It's not a money contest, if that's what you're after.

 

 

Apparently they are screwed with both these parents. No one is doing anything worth idolizing. Poor kids. Some folks just don't understand that their actions effect everyone around them even if they don't want to see it.

[turnstone]

IMO, what you are doing is excusing the bad behavior displayed by 2 of the 3, and then expecting the 3rd to rise above it all. I don't understand the high expectations just being directed at one of them. I'm thinking they all acted like children, and they all need to grow up. If the BXW was in here posting, I would be telling her to look at what she is doing to her kids and to cut it out, but she's not here, so I'm addressing the person making the post.

 

This is a great post. Why is the BS always expected to roll over? I nearly went mad with grief, confusion and fear at what had happened. I said and did some terrible things that were totally inexcusable had it not been for the understanding of colleagues, friends and family. And I'm sure I'm not the only one. Whatever the BXW is doing now, may not be good for anyone and may even be damaging, but its entirely understandable.

 

Eeyore brings up a really good point also in that its not the BXW posting here.

 

OP, I don't think you need to get fixated on this, it won't last forever. Coming to terms with this is going to take her time.

[bentnotbroken]

This is a great post. Why is the BS always expected to roll over? I nearly went mad with grief, confusion and fear at what had happened. I said and did some terrible things that were totally inexcusable had it not been for the understanding of colleagues, friends and family. And I'm sure I'm not the only one. Whatever the BXW is doing now, may not be good for anyone and may even be damaging, but its entirely understandable.

 

Eeyore brings up a really good point also in that its not the BXW posting here.

 

OP, I don't think you need to get fixated on this, it won't last forever. Coming to terms with this is going to take her time.

 

 

I know this point of view ticks me off. "Me screw up, YOU clean up!" And you better damn well do it with style, grace, and dignity because there are children involved. Where was all that damn concern for the children when people were screwing around. We're always talking about what the BS should do, how they should act...but where in the sam hell was the "should'ves" when the WS was messing around?

[woinlove]

OP, I don't think you need to get fixated on this, it won't last forever. Coming to terms with this is going to take her time.

 

Good point.

 

It is useful to keep in mind that the parents spent more than a decade raising these children together, and as recently as 4 months ago, BL, you were saying their father had not had a serious talk with them about their changed lives due to divorce and was, in fact, still stringing his xW along and saying he wanted both of you. Even if he has finally stopped stringing her along now, it is still going to take longer than a few months to recover and establish a way to co-parent while not relying on each other emotionally.

[Brokenlady]

Good point.

 

It is useful to keep in mind that the parents spent more than a decade raising these children together, and as recently as 4 months ago, BL, you were saying their father had not had a serious talk with them about their changed lives due to divorce and was, in fact, still stringing his xW along and saying he wanted both of you. Even if he has finally stopped stringing her along now, it is still going to take longer than a few months to recover and establish a way to co-parent while not relying on each other emotionally.

 

Thank you for pointing that out. It has been a very long time for me and I forget that although they have been seperated and divorced for years, no one acted like it until very recently. Sometimes I lose sight of how fresh it is for xW because on a calendar, and to me, it feels like it's been a whole lot longer than it is.

 

I had a long heart to heart with DM last night and I reiterated that I'm willing to keep living seperately until the kids are truly ok with us or are older (preferably the first). I don't want him to feel like he has to choose between his kids and me.

 

The good news of him filing for custody is that it seemed to have prompted her to do some things she should have been doing all along. If it persists, and she continues to improve, I'm sure he will back down as his goal is just to make sure the kids get adequate care. If that is happening, there's no need to cause more strife.

 

I do hope that most of you are right that time will heal a lot of these wounds for the kids and xW.

 

In the meantime, we continue to work on healing the wounds he created in our relationship with his "bad behavior". That's going to take a lot of time too.

[kuma]

I know this point of view ticks me off. "Me screw up, YOU clean up!" And you better damn well do it with style, grace, and dignity because there are children involved. Where was all that damn concern for the children when people were screwing around. We're always talking about what the BS should do, how they should act...but where in the sam hell was the "should'ves" when the WS was messing around?

 

I totally agree!

 

OP, you're lucky your BF's children like you. My mom's exH(xMM)'s children didn't like her at all. I didn't like him, either and he knew it. Your BF made this whole mess. He should clean up his mess!

[JustJoe]

BL, you deserve much better than this DM, and so does the EXW!! If I were you I would require proof of anything he says. Remember, if he will cheat WITH you, he will cheat ON you. My GF (fmr AP) knows absolutely , the boundaries of our relationship and has shown a great willingness even eagerness to change and be the woman I always thought she was. But that does not mean my eyes and ears are closed. Give blind trust to nobody.

[Brokenlady]

BL, you deserve much better than this DM, and so does the EXW!! If I were you I would require proof of anything he says. Remember, if he will cheat WITH you, he will cheat ON you. My GF (fmr AP) knows absolutely , the boundaries of our relationship and has shown a great willingness even eagerness to change and be the woman I always thought she was. But that does not mean my eyes and ears are closed. Give blind trust to nobody.

 

Joe, is she your former OW?

 

Rest assured I trust no one, especially him. We have a long way to go to rebuild trust.

[Brokenlady]

You got what you wanted, and CXH got what he wanted, and BXW is the one who paid the price for it. How compassionate would it be, and such a good example to finally set for these kids, to make some effort to repair the damage caused by what you both have done? How much would it cost you?

 

I agree that xW has a "right" to be angry. So do I, and any other human being that's been through this hell. And I "understand" occassional slips where she has trouble keeping a lid on it - but this is not occassional slips, it's a purposeful campaign and it's hurting the kids. That's where I believe her "entitlement" ends.

 

Rest assured that more people paid for it than just xW. Her kids are paying for it, I paid dearly for it, and by proxy, so did my kids. My first business is to make things right for my own kids.

 

What sort of effort would repair damage to xW? How in the world could I make it right to her? People here have been emphatic that reaching out to her is a bad idea, so I figure the best I can do is stay away from her, as I always have done.

 

Eeyore, I still have nightmares about all this. If I could go back and do it again, I wouldn't.

[wheelwright]

WW, I am not quite sure what you mean in the bolded. In his heart he wants me and his kids to be part of his life and not quarantined from each other. And I felt like a pariah for so long, I just can't go back to lurking in the shadows.

 

Sometimes 'quarantine' is a good thing. And the great thing is, it has a shelf life.

 

Please remember that we tried this. We had me in the shadows and not around his kids for 2 years AFTER the separated. And all that time, she has been "in the pit".

 

I didn't know the timescale extent, but without further flip-flopping, perhaps she will start to get over it? I get the impression he did this during the separation, and this makes it harder to adjust - you keep thinking they might come back like before. I may have this wrong though, and if he was resolute during these two years, then my instincts would be different.

 

What does it say to the kids if I disappear now? Mighn't it appear that I'm rejecting them?

 

They can be told the truth - that you and your partner feel it is best for all involved, as the hurt the contact is causing outweighs the benefits, and that you care about them deeply, but this may make it easier on them too. It would be good to get their view on this actually - in a very sensitive way, where they know all concerned will still care about them. And that their thoughts carry no guilt - there was an A and people were hurt. But interestingly, if you can get to the heart of their feelings, rather than others, on how this should be resolved, with all possibilities and sides put forth to them as objectively as possible, you could take their views into account.

 

How in the world can I "make" this woman fine? She has serous and deep issues and I have no contact with her at all. Is it really the responsibility of me or any other person to "make" another person happy?

 

No, but in these circumstances, I'd do what I could. And getting custody wouldn't be my first choice. IME, the quickest way to find sweetness, is to be sweet.

 

I'm not sure what you mean by this WW, can you please clarify?

 

I meant about the custody. It sends shivers through me this plan. I know I don't have all the info.

 

And bending is one thing, living our whole lives walking on eggshells to suit the xW who refuses to get help for her serious issues solves nothing and only makes us all slaves to her illness.

 

Not slaves, but interested parties. Which you are by virtue of the kids.

 

Right. But how do I do this without rearranging my whole life to suit her distorted worldview? And it that even a good lesson to the kids? How are they supposed to learn to protect themselves when everyone just avoids and is acquiesing to the demands of illness?

 

Think more about the kids and less about what you are acquiesing to.

 

Her worldview is distorted because it became crushed. Anyone needs a lot of time to overcome that.

 

And if you have to live in the shadows for a time, then so what? It is for them, and you have love with your man.

 

I see you have been through a lot and you want certain things, but that IMO should be put aside for these kids.

I feel from experience that you not being part of her kids' lives for a while will make her transition easier.

 

And therefore theirs.

 

But you will be there with your man in the end, and they will come to you. Give her some time.

 

 

I am hoping this all turns out OK, cos it seems like a key point in the lives of these kids.

[seren]

I hadn't realised it was just 4 months since D Day proper, I thought it was 2 years -my bad for not reading properly. If it is just 4 months, then I totally understand her being a bit crazy. 4 months from D Day is, IMO, way too soon for the children to be introduced to Dad's 'new' life and family. Children need time to process the new situation, Dad's new situation and to mourn their loss of family and relearn the new, they also need time to adjust to other children living with Dad and where they fit in. If I have read wrong again (tis early in the morning is my defence) then it is a general response, if no then applies to this situation and I would think dad needs to handle it all far better than he is - time alone with the children, and time to properly end the marriage and allow the ashes to cool.

[Brokenlady]

I hadn't realised it was just 4 months since D Day proper, I thought it was 2 years -my bad for not reading properly. If it is just 4 months, then I totally understand her being a bit crazy. 4 months from D Day is, IMO, way too soon for the children to be introduced to Dad's 'new' life and family. Children need time to process the new situation, Dad's new situation and to mourn their loss of family and relearn the new, they also need time to adjust to other children living with Dad and where they fit in. If I have read wrong again (tis early in the morning is my defence) then it is a general response, if no then applies to this situation and I would think dad needs to handle it all far better than he is - time alone with the children, and time to properly end the marriage and allow the ashes to cool.

 

 

No, no - seren, you read right the first time. D-Day was over 3 years ago. He stayed with xW for 9 months after D-day, then moved out. It's been over 2 years since he moved out and year since the D was final.

 

However, after he moved out, he kept jerking us both around. It was only in the last few months that he finally set up real boundaries and made good on a definitive choice. So, although for me, we've had a 4+ year relationship and we've had a legit relationship over 2 years, and he's been divorced over a year, emotionally, he, xW, and kids are in a bit of a time warp - for them, the break is more recent because of his flip flopping.

[JustJoe]

Joe, is she your former OW?

Rest assured I trust no one, especially him. We have a long way to go to rebuild trust.

No BL, she is the former WS, I'm the OM, or at least I was.

[Dexter Morgan]

Not at all. I have left her alone. We haven't spoken for at least a year and that was when SHE called ME. I don't provoke her, and we try to avoid conflict. That IS leaving her alone.

 

not talking about what you have been doing. talking about you wondering if you should contact her.

 

 

What I find to be bashing is the implication that the only way to make any of this "right" is for him to return to this woman he doesn't love

 

not me. whether she knows it or not, she is much better off without him.

 

I'm just saying the both of you have done enough damage. Last thing whe will want is to hear from you.

 

 

.... for me to understand the the failure of the M was mostly my fault, a little bit DM's and none hers. Thats preposterous.

 

oh the state of their marriage was the responsibility of both of them. but you did have a rold to play in her betrayal.

 

 

I am demonized for allegedly "not caring" about his kids during the A. I'm not responding to that bashing. It's unproductive and petulant at best.

 

well if you have been around long enough, you would know that I am not a supporter of cheaters and those that help them cheat.

 

But I didn't say anything of the sort above.

 

I'm just saying....leave her alone.

[BB07]

Maybe I'm living in a altered reality, but why not try to talk to her or send her a letter or email BL? Why not offer a sincere heartfelt apology for your part of the pain that she has experienced and still is? Why not tell her that you do not wish to cause her anymore strife, but you wish to make the best out of things as they are now? Why not tell her that you sincerely want for her to be OK and that you do not want to see her children suffer?

Maybe it wouldn't be received well, maybe she would think you have ulterior motives, but really would it make anything worse? It actually might help and it might speak to her heart. I'm not saying that you can be her best bud, but just maybe she would appreciate a apology and a acknowledgement that you indirectly caused her pain and heartache. Maybe it would help her get past the worst of it.

[Snowflower]

Maybe I'm living in a altered reality, but why not try to talk to her or send her a letter or email BL? Why not offer a sincere heartfelt apology for your part of the pain that she has experienced and still is? Why not tell her that you do not wish to cause her anymore strife, but you wish to make the best out of things as they are now? Why not tell her that you sincerely want for her to be OK and that you do not want to see her children suffer?

Maybe it wouldn't be received well, maybe she would think you have ulterior motives, but really would it make anything worse? It actually might help and it might speak to her heart. I'm not saying that you can be her best bud, but just maybe she would appreciate a apology and a acknowledgement that you indirectly caused her pain and heartache. Maybe it would help her get past the worst of it.

 

From the fBW perspective, this is great advice.

 

It might not make one bit of difference to her or the situation but like BB says, would it really make anything worse?

 

Just be careful to not make it seem like you're trying to move in on her relationship with her children.

 

Please don't expect a response from her and maybe even expect some immediate backlash, along the lines of "who are you to tell me what to do and don't talk to me."

 

But maybe in the long run it would help with her healing, who knows. And you might never find out what her reaction is. If you send the letter, just send it fully expecting no response from her.

 

Good luck!

[Brokenlady]

Maybe I'm living in a altered reality, but why not try to talk to her or send her a letter or email BL? Why not offer a sincere heartfelt apology for your part of the pain that she has experienced and still is? Why not tell her that you do not wish to cause her anymore strife, but you wish to make the best out of things as they are now? Why not tell her that you sincerely want for her to be OK and that you do not want to see her children suffer?

Maybe it wouldn't be received well, maybe she would think you have ulterior motives, but really would it make anything worse? It actually might help and it might speak to her heart. I'm not saying that you can be her best bud, but just maybe she would appreciate a apology and a acknowledgement that you indirectly caused her pain and heartache. Maybe it would help her get past the worst of it.

 

 

I know that sounds logical from an ow perspective, and in early days when she contacted me, I tried that and it wasn't met well. And for good reason, honestly....how sincerely sorry can I be when I still intend on being with her xh? From her perspective, they would be together if I just got out of the way. What she doesn't know is that I have left him numerous times but he obviously never went back to her. So, for her, the fact that I'm staying with DM continues the exact injury I'm trying to apologize for. It'd come off as insincere to her no matter what.

[BB07]

I know that sounds logical from an ow perspective, and in early days when she contacted me, I tried that and it wasn't met well. And for good reason, honestly....how sincerely sorry can I be when I still intend on being with her xh? From her perspective, they would be together if I just got out of the way. What she doesn't know is that I have left him numerous times but he obviously never went back to her. So, for her, the fact that I'm staying with DM continues the exact injury I'm trying to apologize for. It'd come off as insincere to her no matter what.

 

That was THEN, this is NOW, and you might very well be right, but if you think it wouldn't make things worse, maybe you could try again and perhaps say just what you said here and acknowledge that it will come across to her as insincere.

 

I think sometimes no matter how mad or angry someone is, most of the time we can distinguish real from bs and you never know, she might just get it, even if she would never admit so to you.

[Dexter Morgan]

Maybe I'm living in a altered reality, but why not try to talk to her or send her a letter or email BL? Why not offer a sincere heartfelt apology for your part of the pain that she has experienced and still is? Why not tell her that you do not wish to cause her anymore strife, but you wish to make the best out of things as they are now? Why not tell her that you sincerely want for her to be OK and that you do not want to see her children suffer?

Maybe it wouldn't be received well, maybe she would think you have ulterior motives, but really would it make anything worse?.

 

yes, it more than likely could. people that have been betrayed typically don't care to hear things from the OW/OM. I know some BS are different, but I feel the majority of BS don't care to hear anything from the OW/OM. And if a BS is trying to move on, hearing from OW/OM doesn't help.

 

It would be like trying to get over an X, and just when they are almost there...the X contacts them setting them back.

 

Sounds like this x-wife is having a realy hard go of it, so IMO the person that was messing around with her husband contacting them will not only be badly received, it could be a setback for her.

 

As an x-BS, I can say that I wouldn't want to hear a thing from x-OM. I just wanted to be left alone.