Thoughts on fOW making peace with fBS...?

[bentnotbroken]

Its not as bad as it was, but if I saw her on the street, I don't know how I would react. I would want to embarrass her, hurt her, but I don't know if I would. She has already had way too much involvement in my life. I don't want to give her any more power or insight than she already had. She knew about me. She just didn't care. Thats what I have the biggest problem with. I don't have such a problem with the MM/MW who don't tell their AP that they are married, thats not always the AP's fault. My problem lies with those who knowingly go into a relationship with someone who is married.

 

To knowingly cause that much pain to another person is unfathomable to me. And all the excuses like, well, MM told me that he is miserable and he is getting seperated, blah blah blah....Of course they are going to say that, they want to get you in bed. Duh. I could never hurt another person like that with such cold hearted callousness. Its just so evil.

 

Don't let this pain continue to rob you of your life and your blessings. I know all to well how it feels to get stabbed in the heart by a pitchfork. I had kids to care for too (thank God they were older and could fend for themselves when they needed to). I just hate to see you lose anymore to the affair.

[wheelwright]

Actually, yes Wheelwright, I am. My life was ruined. I had no say in it. I didnt make that choice, but I have to suffer the consequences, I have to deal with the pain of two other people's choices.....I have the right to feel how ever I want to feel, but I am making the right choice in how I choose to react to my thoughts and feelings.

 

At least I am being honest about them, and processing them, and working through them rather than actually killing someone, hurting someone, or committing suicide from the pain.

 

Unless you have been a BS, you wouldn't know the pain that comes with an affair. So by your reaction to my honest feelings, you must have been the OW or the WS.

 

Actually, I have been all three in my life. And each hurt in a different way.

 

I agree with you about honesty.

 

I would like to ask you a question, and it is selfish and for me that I asl it.

 

If you had told your WS's AP that you had never loved your SO, would you feel that her actions were more morally forgivable? (This happened to me).

 

I have a lot of respect for people's feelings (yours included) - but I do believe these should consider the feelings of others. Even if you are not shown that courtesy. It's about dignity.

 

I think it's OK to feel hurt, but that we consider others too and more importantly that we see our own hurt only creates more ill-feeling unless we know not to put it all on others.

 

When I was a BS, I just didn't blame too much. But I pointed out the gaslighting was v painful.

 

I was young and I let it go.

[bentnotbroken]

thanks bent. I have a GREAT counselor, he lets WH and I stay as long as we need to, sometimes 2 hours, and once almost 3 hours. He is brilliant and he is really holding WH accountable and is helping me through this pain in more ways I ever thought was possible. In our session today, I got to work through a lot of pain and baggage I was carrying, and I feel about 20lbs lighter (although sometimes it feels like I am carrying a million extra lbs).

 

I wish my kiddos were older, too. I have a 2 year old biological daughter, 4 year old adopted daughter, 8 year old adopted son, and a 13 year old adopted daughter.

 

The other bad thing(s) that I haven't mentioned yet, I had a miscarriage 2 weeks ago. I have been trying to process that pain, too. The other struggle we have before us is that my WH has been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, which makes things even more difficult.

 

I just have to remind myself that God is with me.

"You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good". Thats my new life motto.

 

 

We can do all things through the strength of Jesus Christ and great counselors:D. I am sorry for the loss of your child. No words can ever express that. I have been there too. Love your young ones, hug and kiss them often. They do grow up so fast.

[Dexter Morgan]

I am sorry that happened to you.

 

no worries, I'm good. My kids know I love them. But since I'm the man, of course I'm going to get screwed with custody. She could have slept with her OM in my bed, video taped it, and sent it out on the net and I still would have lost a custody battle.

 

It just pisses me off that cheating women can add this insult to injury and take a father's kids away from him and she was the one that effed other people during a marriage.

[Brokenlady]

Empty,

 

I an so sorry you are still in so much pain. I am concerned about how you are feeling like the affair "ruined" your whole life. Those 5 weeks are over and I hope you find the peace you need to not dwell so painfully on that time.

[Brokenlady]

Dexter, cheating or no, I think it's important for kids to have both of their parents. So many dads are uninvolved and don't even want every other weekend. It is a shame that in your case you want more equal time and can't get it.

[Dexter Morgan]

Dexter, cheating or no, I think it's important for kids to have both of their parents. So many dads are uninvolved and don't even want every other weekend. It is a shame that in your case you want more equal time and can't get it.

 

well to me, 50/50 custody is fair and should be the way to go. but she wouldn't go for that.....cuz she wouldn't have gotten child support.

[Brokenlady]

Xw is telling DMs daughter, who was recently diagnosed with mono (as happens so often in middle school), that I must have given her mono. This is of course not possible as we've never shared a glass or even been closer than about 2 feet apart and mono is transmitted by saliva. The implication of course is that I'm a slut. And of course suits her worldview that I am the root of all evil. I could scream about how she manipulates these kids!

[Dexter Morgan]

honestly, her view on you is justified (even though I wouldn't waste my time thinking about the OM in my past situation)

 

but only the truth should be spoken to the kids.

 

and here is the thing, the courts don't care about what the X says about the OW/OM....only that they are not to brainwash them against the other parent.

 

just like no matter how much of a slut my x-wife is, you'll never see me telling my kids that. When they get older if they ask what happened, I'm not going to lie to them, I'll tell them that their mother cheated throughout the marriage. But I'll then leave it at that. i wouldn't go to all the lengths this X in your sitch is doing. (and yes, as much as she is justified in her view of you, its wrong to lie about you to the kids)

[Brokenlady]

honestly, her view on you is justified (even though I wouldn't waste my time thinking about the OM in my past situation)

 

but only the truth should be spoken to the kids.

 

and here is the thing, the courts don't care about what the X says about the OW/OM....only that they are not to brainwash them against the other parent.

 

just like no matter how much of a slut my x-wife is, you'll never see me telling my kids that. When they get older if they ask what happened, I'm not going to lie to them, I'll tell them that their mother cheated throughout the marriage. But I'll then leave it at that. i wouldn't go to all the lengths this X in your sitch is doing. (and yes, as much as she is justified in her view of you, its wrong to lie about you to the kids)

 

 

Yeah, the kids can and will judge me based on what I have done, but I find it frustrating to have to defend myself against nonsense I haven't done. I get that xw hates me, and I don't blame her for that. I just wish shed let the kids have some peace. She's constantly trying to incite loyalty tug of wars. I should also add that their current custody order also forbids trashtalking either parents partner.

[Brokenlady]

She also throws out anything she knows I have purchased for the kids, even if they really like it. Sad.

[Dexter Morgan]

I should also add that their current custody order also forbids trashtalking either parents partner.

 

thats odd. I honestly don't think that will hold up in court if it ever came to it.

 

in my sitch, I don't have to trash talk the OM...his record will speak for itself...and I do mean "record"

[Dexter Morgan]

She also throws out anything she knows I have purchased for the kids, even if they really like it. Sad.

 

now that is sad. that is cruel to the kids.

[Brokenlady]

now that is sad. that is cruel to the kids.

 

I'm sure that in her own way, she thinks she's hurting me by it. She's so bent on revenge she's not seeing how any of what she does effects the kids, much less caring.

[wheelwright]

well to me, 50/50 custody is fair and should be the way to go. but she wouldn't go for that.....cuz she wouldn't have gotten child support.

 

In my country, you only have to 'say' that it's 60-40.

 

If you wanted that, or slightly nearer 50-50, and she wouldn't go along, then I see that as the real injury. Kids are not collateral where one person gets to feel better cos they got custody. If the desire is to share, then this can be done out of court anyway.

 

If she wouldn't share after the affair, then yep. I'm finally in agreement about the extent of the betrayal here.

[someday]

BL, I wonder if the kids are so conflicted and torn with their loyalties that they are playing both of you against each other? Probably, the kids really like you as a person but, dang it, your involvement with their father hurt their mother and completely changed their lives….as adults we know that things are not this black and white, but as kids they think very linearly…they connect the dots to see the big picture. So, I’d think that the kids like you but hate you too. Maybe they feel badly about themselves because they do like you? Maybe they feel like they are betraying their mother too- because they do like you. Tough, tough stuff to have to deal with when you’re little. They will be ok- but you as an adult need to help them be ok.

 

I highly suggest that you tell the kids that you would rather not hear what their mother says or thinks about you, that she (their mother) is entitled to her opinion, however, you will no longer participate in any of these types of conversations. That if they need to talk about this then they need to talk to their mother or their father. That way you are taking yourself out of that negativity.

 

Really, this IS part of the consequences in your particular situation. I'm not saying its right, but it is what it is. I think you'd do better to concentrate your efforts on NOT remaining in the middle by removing yourself from the topic of conversation. It is not a war between you and the xW....this is what you need to teach to these kids- it's not a popularity contest, its real life.

[Brokenlady]

Sunday night DM elected to sleep over at xw's house. He doesn't see why this is a problem. Allegedly his daughter was sick and he decided to stay without discussing it with me. He promised repeatedly prior to Sunday that he wouldn't do exactly what he did. He said that he, his daughter, and xw all laid in the old marital bed together. I can't imagine such an occurrence with my xh. But then, we have boundaries. Funnier still is when I confronted him about all this, he tried to initiate sex with me several times. No respect at all.

 

I wash my hands of all of it. God bless those kids because theyre stuck with two lying self absorbed parents.

Edited October 28, 2010 by Brokenlady

[BB07]

Sunday night DM elected to sleep over at xw's house. He doesn't see why this is a problem. Allegedly his daughter was sick and he decided to stay without discussing it with me. He promised repeatedly prior to Sunday that he wouldn't do exactly what he did. He said that he, his daughter, and xw all laid in the old marital bed together. I can't imagine such an occurrence with my xh. But then, we have boundaries. Funnier still is when I confronted him about all this, he tried to initiate sex with me several times. No respect at all.

 

I wash my hands of all of it. God bless those kids because theyre stuck with two lying self absorbed parents.

 

I'm sorry BL.......I hope you soon get to a place where you can appreciate being free of all that mess and the drama and you'll be open to someone who will value you and respect you. That man isn't the right man for you. Let him go........and be done with it.

 

Hugs......

[Silly_Girl]

Sunday night DM elected to sleep over at xw's house. He doesn't see why this is a problem. Allegedly his daughter was sick and he decided to stay without discussing it with me. He promised repeatedly prior to Sunday that he wouldn't do exactly what he did. He said that he, his daughter, and xw all laid in the old marital bed together. I can't imagine such an occurrence with my xh. But then, we have boundaries. Funnier still is when I confronted him about all this, he tried to initiate sex with me several times. No respect at all.

 

I wash my hands of all of it. God bless those kids because theyre stuck with two lying self absorbed parents.

 

BL, I've thought of you many times since gaining an understanding of your situation a few weeks back. I'll be totally honest about why:

 

1) I'd over-invested in my last R and it makes it a thousand times harder to leave, regardless of the pain.

2) I thought yours was a cautionary OW tale I would do well to remember.

3) I wondered how on earth your situation could lead to happiness and peace for you. Mainly because your man seemed to fundamentally have no respect for a) you; b) the sheer blood, sweat and tears you were putting in over and over.

 

Your determination and commitment is admirable. But you deserve a whole world more than you're getting - and more, I suspect, than this man wants to give you.

 

Use that determination and commitment and direct it where it can have some value - you!! Look after you. Work on staying off the pain and self-worth merry-go-round. I reckon you could be in a much better place in a very short space of time.

 

Sending you hugs. Hope you keep posting.

[bentnotbroken]

Sunday night DM elected to sleep over at xw's house. He doesn't see why this is a problem. Allegedly his daughter was sick and he decided to stay without discussing it with me. He promised repeatedly prior to Sunday that he wouldn't do exactly what he did. He said that he, his daughter, and xw all laid in the old marital bed together. I can't imagine such an occurrence with my xh. But then, we have boundaries. Funnier still is when I confronted him about all this, he tried to initiate sex with me several times. No respect at all.

 

I wash my hands of all of it. God bless those kids because theyre stuck with two lying self absorbed parents.

 

 

As evidenced by his behavior prior to all this. The kids will have God's protection.

[Brokenlady]

In my field, we are supposed to embrace the idea that people can change and evolve. But clearly there are some people who will always be the scorpion on the frogs back. He had really put forth effort but nothing about how he thinks changed, it was all merely a show so he could get what he wanted. I need to just leave him to his self imposed misery because he is obviously one of those people. I got my stuff from his house this morning. Now he cab return to focusing all his attention on continuing the pattern he and his xw have of torturing each other and the kids. I'm out.

[greengoddess]

good for you. do not let him talk. his way out of this. I can not imagine any teen girl wanting to sleep between divorced parents just because she's sick. Most teens except for some babying and waiting on want to be left alone to sleep when sick. He's full of crap.

[Brokenlady]

Hmmm. None of this was worth it, but screw you for gloating. Sit here and judge me if you must, but it doesn't change your situation.

[Owl]

BL...so where's he staying now? Has he moved back with his wife? Living on his own? Staying with you?

 

What's your plan from here, my friend?

[Brokenlady]

He is still living at the house he purchased for us. I never moved in and still have my own house, but we were supposed to move in thus spring. I dint believe he will go back to her. But he enjoys torturing her too much to stay away from her. He has that much hate for her.

 

I gave back the ring and took my clothes and my kids clothes and toys out of his place this morn. I don't care about the rest, he can keep it. I plan on being done with this. He's never going to stop pitting us against each other for his own entertainment.

Edited October 28, 2010 by Brokenlady