A question on the loss of trust...

[Owl]

So one of the common themes here on LS is dealing with the loss of trust after infidelity.

 

A common post that you'll see..."Never reconcile with a cheater...you'll never trust them again!".

 

But my question is this...is the trust that's lost specific to the cheater, or is it an "eye opener" that makes you realize that ANYONE could cheat on you?

 

I reconciled with my wife. I trust her again. I don't blindly trust her and "assume" that nothing could ever happen like that again, true.

 

But... for me that trust isn't a lack of trust IN HER. It's a realization that there's nothing special about ANY relationship that prevents it from happening. If I were to divorce and leave my wife...I wouldn't ever blindly trust any other woman either.

 

The "lack of trust" has nothing to do with who my partner is...for me, it's a realization that it can happen, period.

 

What are your thoughts? Is the lack of trust specific to the one person who cheated on you? Or is it an awareness that you have to safeguard any relationship you're in?

[eeyore1981]

So one of the common themes here on LS is dealing with the loss of trust after infidelity.

 

A common post that you'll see..."Never reconcile with a cheater...you'll never trust them again!".

 

But my question is this...is the trust that's lost specific to the cheater, or is it an "eye opener" that makes you realize that ANYONE could cheat on you?

 

I reconciled with my wife. I trust her again. I don't blindly trust her and "assume" that nothing could ever happen like that again, true.

 

But... for me that trust isn't a lack of trust IN HER. It's a realization that there's nothing special about ANY relationship that prevents it from happening. If I were to divorce and leave my wife...I wouldn't ever blindly trust any other woman either.

 

The "lack of trust" has nothing to do with who my partner is...for me, it's a realization that it can happen, period.

 

What are your thoughts? Is the lack of trust specific to the one person who cheated on you? Or is it an awareness that you have to safeguard any relationship you're in?

 

 

I'm someone who trusts pretty much everyone unless they do something to break my trust, and my trust can take quite a beating. The downside of it is once it is broken, it may be impossible to repair.

[ladydesigner]

So one of the common themes here on LS is dealing with the loss of trust after infidelity.

 

A common post that you'll see..."Never reconcile with a cheater...you'll never trust them again!".

 

But my question is this...is the trust that's lost specific to the cheater, or is it an "eye opener" that makes you realize that ANYONE could cheat on you?

 

I reconciled with my wife. I trust her again. I don't blindly trust her and "assume" that nothing could ever happen like that again, true.

 

But... for me that trust isn't a lack of trust IN HER. It's a realization that there's nothing special about ANY relationship that prevents it from happening. If I were to divorce and leave my wife...I wouldn't ever blindly trust any other woman either.

 

The "lack of trust" has nothing to do with who my partner is...for me, it's a realization that it can happen, period.

 

What are your thoughts? Is the lack of trust specific to the one person who cheated on you? Or is it an awareness that you have to safeguard any relationship you're in?

 

Owl this is spot on thinking for me. I do think it is possible that it can happen to anyone and anyone could cheat. I never thought that I ever had it in me to cheat, but I did. From my previous relationships I had been cheated on so I knew that was a possibility in any relationship I had. Then my H cheated and I retaliated (big mistake).

 

Anyways the bolded part is true of my thinking now. It doesn't bother me it just is. I have to be happy with myself and with the life I am living and that is the conclusion I have come to no matter who does "x" or affects me in "x" way.

[JustJoe]

Owl, I think that the broken trust, is specific to the person, but that the "loss of innocence", is the general result.

[Snowflower]

So one of the common themes here on LS is dealing with the loss of trust after infidelity.

 

A common post that you'll see..."Never reconcile with a cheater...you'll never trust them again!".

 

But my question is this...is the trust that's lost specific to the cheater, or is it an "eye opener" that makes you realize that ANYONE could cheat on you?

 

 

Good question. And I don't think trust is as simple as many make it out to be. I know for me it is not.

 

For me it was probably the second choice...that it was an eye opener but this was after months of introspection following my H's affair. I realized that I would probably fully regain trust in him over time (we're still working on this) but what changed for me is that I trust myself FIRST now. If what my husband is saying/doing jives with my trust sense (intuition) then there will be no problem. If something feels "off" I won't just believe his explanation for it like I did before--I will investigate for myself.

 

Owl, I have been meaning to ask you something that (I think it was you) once mentioned off-handedly about your reconciliation. Can I send you a PM?

[witabix]

So one of the common themes here on LS is dealing with the loss of trust after infidelity.

 

A common post that you'll see..."Never reconcile with a cheater...you'll never trust them again!".

 

But my question is this...is the trust that's lost specific to the cheater, or is it an "eye opener" that makes you realize that ANYONE could cheat on you?

 

I reconciled with my wife. I trust her again. I don't blindly trust her and "assume" that nothing could ever happen like that again, true.

 

But... for me that trust isn't a lack of trust IN HER. It's a realization that there's nothing special about ANY relationship that prevents it from happening. If I were to divorce and leave my wife...I wouldn't ever blindly trust any other woman either.

 

The "lack of trust" has nothing to do with who my partner is...for me, it's a realization that it can happen, period.

 

What are your thoughts? Is the lack of trust specific to the one person who cheated on you? Or is it an awareness that you have to safeguard any relationship you're in?

 

Did you trust blindly in the first place Owl?

 

I always start from a position of no trust and build it up as 'trustworthiness' becomes apparent, or not.

 

I don't think I have ever trusted anyone blindly........hmmmm <thinks>

[witabix]

That's what I was thinking. I don't blindly trust anyone but my Mom. Since trust is earned, if my H broke that trust, I would feel it specific to him.

 

I can't just say it could happen to anyone. I chose my partner because I believed him to have integrity, and would never cheat on me, no matter what the circumstances. So no, it can't just happen to anybody. As we all know, cheating requires choices every step of the way. So the cheating would be specific to him.

 

Cheating on either of our parts is a dealbreaker for both of us, so maybe we're not qualified to answer the question.

 

Yes, trust is a relationship between two entities. Your trust in an entity does not affect my trust in the same entity. Thats my view anyway.

[JAGeezer]

Owl: If what I read here and have seen in my own lifetime is a reasonable sample of human behavior, then I think it's a melange of factors. The event itself, how it came to be exposed, how the WS handles it, and most of all the past experiences of the BS with their WS and with others. This is my Achilles heel. Would you have been able to forgive her had she done it before, or if someone else had done it to you before.

 

Almost three decades later I can still remember what my late first W said to me after that first D-Day when I was ranting about broken trust. "I never forced to to trust me." She was right. She didn't force me to. The problem was that she never realized that trust, given as an act of love, is NOT to be viewed as an exploitable weakness. Which is what cheaters seem to see it as, almost without exception. It's what my late W saw it as.

 

Anyway, I'm a "one strike and you're out" guy these days. I forgave once and the results were so horrendous as to be an object lesson on the use and misuse of trust. In my book, the less you use, the happier you'll be.

 

JAG

[bentnotbroken]

For me it is the trust in that person. I always knew cheating was a possibility. Because of some of the things that we both were aware of growing up, I made it a point to discuss this before we got married. We revisited the topic regularly and I always "thought" we were in full agreement. I never really trusted people easily so that's why I explained to him what it meant for me to have blind trust in him. Maybe that is one of the reasons he hide it so well. He knew that I would have left years ago. I will never trust anyone with my life again. Those choices will be made by the good Lord and me.

[johan]

So one of the common themes here on LS is dealing with the loss of trust after infidelity.

 

A common post that you'll see..."Never reconcile with a cheater...you'll never trust them again!".

 

But my question is this...is the trust that's lost specific to the cheater, or is it an "eye opener" that makes you realize that ANYONE could cheat on you?

 

I reconciled with my wife. I trust her again. I don't blindly trust her and "assume" that nothing could ever happen like that again, true.

 

But... for me that trust isn't a lack of trust IN HER. It's a realization that there's nothing special about ANY relationship that prevents it from happening. If I were to divorce and leave my wife...I wouldn't ever blindly trust any other woman either.

 

The "lack of trust" has nothing to do with who my partner is...for me, it's a realization that it can happen, period.

 

What are your thoughts? Is the lack of trust specific to the one person who cheated on you? Or is it an awareness that you have to safeguard any relationship you're in?

 

Being cheated on is a severe disappointment. It definitely breaks down your trust. But there are other ways for a person to disappoint you. And they can do the same. Some of them are inadvertent. But it seems to me that a major disappointment is going to occur in any relationship.

 

I heard the couple next door arguing this last weekend. You would think they are a good match, but the things she was complaining about indicates there is a lot of work to do. She's disappointed in him, even though he didn't cheat on her. She might not be considering leaving, but she seems to be dealing with the idea that has three children in her life: the two she gave birth to, and the one she married. Her respect for him is obviously lacking, and he will have to accept the blame for that.

 

In general, based on what I've been through and what I've seen happen to friends and relatives, I think it is more about human nature than it is about any particular person.

 

My ex girlfriend was a big disappointment to me. Neither of us cheated. At least I didn't. But the breakup still left its scars. On top of the others there were there before we met.

 

There is a line between being realistic about what someone has to offer, and feeling disappointed in them before you even get to know them. I tend to feel the disappointment before I even meet them. And so I stay away.

[blizzard]

There was a time that I used to go into things blindly. Trust was never an issue. Never even thought about it really. Until it was broken...

 

I believe initially you feel like you can't trust the world. A realization that monsters do exist feeling. Your heart feels betrayed. You now realize that people that love you that will let you down. You feel naked. Exposed. And you fear that it will happen again. Then, I believe you enter a period of being critical...solely focusing on the one person that broke your trust.

 

If you realize broken trust can happen in any relationship, does that mean you are troubled in trusting your SO? In other words, if you feel apprehensive about not trusting because it can be broken in any relationship...do you really trust a SO in your relationship?

[Woggle]

Once my ex wife broke my trust there was no going back because I could never trust her again. The bad thing is that I have a hard time trusting any woman anymore. I always assume the worst and expect it.

[blizzard]

Good question. And I don't think trust is as simple as many make it out to be. I know for me it is not.

 

For me it was probably the second choice...that it was an eye opener but this was after months of introspection following my H's affair. I realized that I would probably fully regain trust in him over time (we're still working on this) but what changed for me is that I trust myself FIRST now. If what my husband is saying/doing jives with my trust sense (intuition) then there will be no problem. If something feels "off" I won't just believe his explanation for it like I did before--I will investigate for myself.

 

Owl, I have been meaning to ask you something that (I think it was you) once mentioned off-handedly about your reconciliation. Can I send you a PM?

 

That's so true snow... trusting yourself first.

[Untouchable_Fire]

What are your thoughts? Is the lack of trust specific to the one person who cheated on you? Or is it an awareness that you have to safeguard any relationship you're in?

 

Trust is like a credit score... cheating is like bankruptcy.

 

The bigger issue in my opinion, is the feeling of disrespect. You can't love someone you don't respect.

[wheelwright]

So one of the common themes here on LS is dealing with the loss of trust after infidelity.

 

A common post that you'll see..."Never reconcile with a cheater...you'll never trust them again!".

 

But my question is this...is the trust that's lost specific to the cheater, or is it an "eye opener" that makes you realize that ANYONE could cheat on you?

 

The "lack of trust" has nothing to do with who my partner is...for me, it's a realization that it can happen, period.

 

What are your thoughts? Is the lack of trust specific to the one person who cheated on you? Or is it an awareness that you have to safeguard any relationship you're in?[/QUOTE]

 

I think we learn in which areas we can and can't trust another person, and some of us come into our Rs with different expectations, and move forward according to the behaviour we encounter.

 

I am a WS who is attempting to R.

 

Before my A, I had a number of trust issues with my H. I had a fear of hitting 50 and suddenly being abandoned by him. It just felt likely. Then I 'sensed' there was someone else in his life, but he denied it. But the feeling didn't go away.

 

It turned out he had developed feelings for someone at work, but hadn't acted on them, which I now believe is true. It's a shame he didn't come clean at the time.

 

He also betrayed my trust by not caring about the M or the things I cared about in a way that seemed to me like he should.

 

He also lied to me about porn, and I found this out. So I knew he would lie. That my challenge about the imagined A would only lead to a lie anyway, so I would never know.

 

My trust in H and my M had completely dissolved prior to my A. I invested a new trust in the wonderful feelings I had about xMOM. I can't say I completely trusted him, but I trusted that the feelings we had were mutual, and that they were powerful enough to have a very special importance. But I did know he may not 'choose' love (or the love he had for me at any rate), as he made this clear. But he also lied to me and others.

 

Now, I trust that my H is honest with me, but I still do not trust that he will never abandon me, or that this honesty will last, or that in time, should I fully commit once more, that he will not prove neglectful once again. I do see that time would tell.

 

I would say that is absolutely imperative if there is to be trust, that each person knows that should they confront the other for a straight answer, they will get it. No-one likes to be gaslighted.

 

I can trust my H for this at the moment, and despite the fact I am a cheater, he has always been able to trust me for the same.

 

I could not trust my xMOM for this, although he only lied outright in this way twice to my knowledge. He was extremely stressed on both occasions. This means I guess, that I could not trust him to be straight if he is under stress, but that other times I could?

 

But I wanted to add, that trust is not just about honesty. I can trust my friend C to be utterly honest, yet I could not trust her to handle my vulnerable friend Y with sensitivity. I can trust C to keep all my secrets, yet I could not trust her to behave objectively. I can trust my H to provide for my children, yet I cannot trust him to be civil to me in public.

I could trust xMOM to make me feel like the happiest woman on Earth for a short time, but not to be consistent.

 

And this is why we choose different people to trust for different things. And if our SO is someone who can be tempted to cheat, like so many, then yes, it becomes necessary to safeguard the R (bolded). Because they won't cheat if they are happy. That's the kind of person I am, anyway.

 

We get to know people, especially our SOs. We get to know when they might lie, and when we can trust what they say. We get to see if they are dependable, or grouchy, or kind. Likable or fun. Moody or highly strung. We learn to trust who they are.

 

In some Rs, cheating means we feel we really don't know who they are, and perhaps we can't easily recover from this. For others, the A and the circumstances make some kind of sense to the BS in terms of how they trust and understand their partner, and with reparations the trust in the person as a whole is only shaken.

 

Interesting question Owl - I went on a bit!

[Spark1111]

I agree UT!

 

I knew immediately that healing would be a three step process for me:

 

Forgiving the infidelity. (hard)

 

Forgiving the lies he told to sustain the infidelity. (harder)

 

And growing to respect him again (hardest)

 

All three were necessary for me to regain trust in him again, and as long as his actions and behavior matched his words, it grew easier over time.

 

But blindly trust anyone again? No, just myself. His affair might have been the catalyst for the loss of innocence and never blindingly trusting anyone again, but I am older and wiser...like Owl today.

[broken12]

 

I can't just say it could happen to anyone. I chose my partner because I believed him to have integrity, and would never cheat on me, no matter what the circumstances. So no, it can't just happen to anybody. As we all know, cheating requires choices every step of the way. So the cheating would be specific to him.

 

Cheating on either of our parts is a dealbreaker for both of us, so maybe we're not qualified to answer the question.

 

Believe me, JT, there's an awful lot of us on here that chose our partners believing them to have integrity, and would never cheat on us, no matter what the circumstances.They still did. It can happen to anybody.

[PegNosePete]

Believe me, JT, there's an awful lot of us on here that chose our partners believing them to have integrity, and would never cheat on us, no matter what the circumstances.They still did. It can happen to anybody.

Yeah I'm on that list too.

[Owl]

Thanks for all the interesting replies and discussion, folks.

 

From my perspective, trust is something that's ALWAYS earned, never given freely. But, how quickly you allow someone to build that trust with you depends a lot on your experiences prior to meeting this particular person too.

 

I've never been a very 'trusting' kind of guy. I'd been hurt before I met my wife, and had gone through some....interesting times...that had left me pretty battered psychologoically.

 

With that said...my wife built up more 'trust' than anyone else ever had with me.

 

And for several years (17+), I was very close to that "blind trust" kind of thing. I simply couldn't see her being "the kind of person" who could cheat on me.

 

Once she did, my perceptions and understanding of human nature changed a good bit. I realized that it was always POSSIBLE for it to happen, regardless of my 'trust'.

 

After her affair, I didn't trust her very well...for at least a year afterwards. But my trust in her since has continued to increase. I don't check her emails, don't check her online history, don't look in her phone anymore. I COULD. But I've got no reason to.

 

I trust her.

 

But...I also now know that nothing is perfect...and that it's not impossible that we could go through something like this again. It's not that I don't trust her...it's that I know it's possible.

 

Even if I weren't with her...I'd still know it's possible.

 

So that blind trust is gone...I'm aware of the risks, and I do know the "red flags" to watch for in the future...which WOULD trigger me to start snooping again.

 

But that lack of trust isn't centered around HER...it's centered around my knowledge of how this stuff works...something I didn't clearly understand before.

 

Now...I figured I'd add one last thing. If she cheated AGAIN...trust couldn't be re-established. Again, that's due to a large part of my understanding now how things work. If she cheated twice...that changes my view on what led to the choice to cheat...and leads me to believe that she would then never be trustworthy again in my eyes.

 

Some people only require one time to decide this...for me, it's two, based off what I've read/learned/seen.

 

Again, thanks for the discussions.

[Eeyore79]

If someone cheats on me, I lose trust in them specifically, not in everyone. Cheating shows me they're a bad person who lacks morals, so regardless of whether they would ever cheat again or not, I don't want to be with them. I could never trust someone again after they've cheated, because they're obviously the type of person who would cheat on me, but I don't think there's any need to tar everyone with the same brush.

[silktricks]

I have a basic and extremely qualified "trust" in most people. That is, I try to assume the best rather than the worst. (Distrust is in my definition, assuming the worst.)

 

That said, I do not now, and never have had (to the best of my recollection) a blind trust in anyone - even my parents and grandparents. I trusted, but with reservations.

 

So, back to your OP (I think) - my hubby and I have reconciled and rebuilt our marriage. I trust him and he trusts me - for the most part . Both of us had prior life experiences that did not encourage unquestioning (blind) trust. Both of us knew that anyone can lie to you - parents, siblings, children, pastors - and yes - spouses. So, neither of us ever did think that deception cannot happen between any two people. It can and does.

 

But we trust that we both want our marriage to work, and want our partner to be happy. We both trust that though we are each flawed that together we can work out whatever problems arise. We trust our mutual love.

[Woggle]

If someone cheats on me, I lose trust in them specifically, not in everyone. Cheating shows me they're a bad person who lacks morals, so regardless of whether they would ever cheat again or not, I don't want to be with them. I could never trust someone again after they've cheated, because they're obviously the type of person who would cheat on me, but I don't think there's any need to tar everyone with the same brush.

 

That is technically true but I see so much crap that I think it is better to be on the safe side.

[seibert253]

Trust eventually grew to today's current level. It's been at this level for quite some time, so I imagine that's where it will be from now on.

 

I'd say my trust in her is about 75%. Some things I trust her, other things I know I will never.

 

Is it difficult at times, yes. Is it managable, yes.

 

In my instance, I knew when we started R, that I would never fully trust her ever again. I also knew that if I didn't reach a level to where I could trust her most of the time, then D was inevitable.

[2sunny]

trust is earned. if you haven't earned it - i'm skeptical until the person proved trustworthy. i trust myself and a few others in this world.

 

 

i don't think my exH ever earned the trust i gave him... and proved himself untrustworthy.

 

 

i have learned through the years... and experience and clarity have made me wiser.

[witabix]

trust is earned. if you haven't earned it - i'm skeptical until the person proved trustworthy

 

Thats the phrase I was looking for, damn old age.

 

It takes years to build trust but only a few moments to destroy it.