A question on the loss of trust...

[wheelwright]

So, we only give our love to those who give their love back? And we trust that they will not give their love to anyone else as long as they profess love for us? And, if they do choose to give their love to someone else, we will then choose to be hurt and angry and bitter and never give our love to anyone else again? This is the train of thought when you view your love as a special gift to be bestowed upon the worthy.

 

The ideal is to simply radiate love and those who choose to bask in it do so for as long as they want to.

 

So, when you're trying to answer these seemingly thorny questions of trust and love, simply consider the ideal and aim for that. Yes, love and trust unconditionally, regardless of what others have chosen! Because you are in control of you--no one can hurt you in this context. You may choose to feel hurt, but it's your choice always.

 

You have to give up the idea that you are entitled to be loved because you are loving.

 

There is no entitlement in love.

[fooled once]

That's what I was thinking. I don't blindly trust anyone but my Mom. Since trust is earned, if my H broke that trust, I would feel it specific to him.

 

I can't just say it could happen to anyone. I chose my partner because I believed him to have integrity, and would never cheat on me, no matter what the circumstances. So no, it can't just happen to anybody. As we all know, cheating requires choices every step of the way. So the cheating would be specific to him.

 

Cheating on either of our parts is a dealbreaker for both of us, so maybe we're not qualified to answer the question.

 

Agree

 

trust is earned. if you haven't earned it - i'm skeptical until the person proved trustworthy. i trust myself and a few others in this world.

 

 

i don't think my exH ever earned the trust i gave him... and proved himself untrustworthy.

 

 

i have learned through the years... and experience and clarity have made me wiser.

 

Good post - agree

[Planofool]

I have read all the posting here and I am trying to figure out what made me trust my wife soooo much. It was everything she told me about her past. I think I actually felt sorry for her and the way she was treated. I just knew she would never do anything to hurt me because it had happened to her and surely she knew the hurt and wouldn't want to inflict that on me.

 

So when I found out about her EA and then found out they had stayed in contact for 25 years off and on I was totally hurt. I have since found out that most of the stories she told me about her past were twisted to benefit her. So did I trust too much or was I sucked into her stories.

 

I know now there is no trust, but I guess I'm asking is TRUST the correct word for what we have in a relationship? I believed in her, I believed her stories of the past. Is that trust or do we just believe everything we are told?

 

Now I sit and wonder why I fell for everything she told me? I opened myself to be shot down in my belief of what a great woman I had.

 

Trust will never enter my relationship with her. I will always be skeptical of any story of her past. In fact my relationship with her has no room for the word TRUST.

[CakeEatersWife]

I'm just working on turning "no trust" into "don't care".

 

H can stand right in front of me (but not look me in the eye) and lie. With physical proof of the EA in front of him, he will lie. "I didn't send that email." All H proved to me was 1) the OW is important enough that he will lie and 2) he really thinks I'm that stupid.

 

Why doesn't he just leave? Oh, yeah. He's a card carrying Cake Eater

[U2RockZz]

issue is....there is always "what used to be vs what's now"...moreover you don't even believe what extent of "what used to be" is real ...so why would any person wants to be in a situation where he doesn't know what's real or unreal...i would rather trust a girl blindly than cautiously

[Planofool]

I guess I'm stuck in it too deep to have the brains to get out.

[2sure]

People would probably not describe me as a trusting person. Its my field of work that makes me jaded in that regard. I'm perfectly comfortable with this.

 

Whats more important to me is that I trust myself.

 

My H infidelity and betrayals...made me realize I could not necessarily trust my own judgment and that scared me personally on every level. To question yourself...is eroding and demeaning.

 

We are divorced now, but its not because I thought I could never trust him again...because as far as I do, I probably could have. See?

 

I had to leave him because I needed to trust myself.

Blah...sorry, I cant figure out how to say what I mean.

[wicar1]

So one of the common themes here on LS is dealing with the loss of trust after infidelity.

 

A common post that you'll see..."Never reconcile with a cheater...you'll never trust them again!".

 

But my question is this...is the trust that's lost specific to the cheater, or is it an "eye opener" that makes you realize that ANYONE could cheat on you?

 

I reconciled with my wife. I trust her again. I don't blindly trust her and "assume" that nothing could ever happen like that again, true.

 

But... for me that trust isn't a lack of trust IN HER. It's a realization that there's nothing special about ANY relationship that prevents it from happening. If I were to divorce and leave my wife...I wouldn't ever blindly trust any other woman either.

 

The "lack of trust" has nothing to do with who my partner is...for me, it's a realization that it can happen, period.

 

What are your thoughts? Is the lack of trust specific to the one person who cheated on you? Or is it an awareness that you have to safeguard any relationship you're in?

 

I respect your decision and idea.

 

I prefer leaving the marriage instead of having to monitor her actions to make sure she's not doing it again. I dont think the time and energy your spend on it is worth it.

 

Trust is like a broken glass bottle. You can can try to fix it by putting lots and lots of effort and time..may be you will fix it. But then you will always see the scars it made on the glass. They will last forever. Not only your but all your kids, family and friends will notice the scars forever.

 

But above all.. eventhough you fixed the glass it is very very vulnerable and can break again anytime. Cause the first time it broke it lost it's strength, intergrity etc. It is so weak it can break very quickly. But you dont want it to break again, so you monitor it always. And I think

it is not worth it cause there are lots of nice women and men who wont cheat or break the trust.

Buy another glass instead.