Is he cheating?

[Simone84]

My long-distance boyfriend of 1.5 years has been acting unusual in the last week or so.

 

We've always texted regularly every night during the last year but something's changed since last week. Normally he always texts me first after work to ask about my day and we text throughout the night... Since last week, and for the first time ever, when i texted him i didn't get a reply for the entire night until the next morning when he said he "left his work at work" that night.

 

This has never ever happened before in the last year.

 

A few days later the exact same thing happened, only this time the next morning he said he'd "crashed out early because he'd been really tired" (i had texted around 8.30pm...

 

Again, this has never happened, now it's twice in one week.

 

Similar thing happened again last night where he'd quckly checked in and checked out with me in a text after work to ask how my day was and to tell me he was going out to for food and drinks. I texted him later on around 9.30 to ask how his night was - and i never got a reply. It's the next day lunchtime now and i still haven't heard from him.

 

This is really unsual, it seems to me like he is all of a sudden not available to text or talk after after a certain time (around 7pm) anymore which makes me wonder why.

 

As i said, we ALWAYS talk every night except in the last week. He is also usually the one to text me first. I am beginning to think he has met someone new. Am i being paranoid or does this sound like he is quickly checking in and out with me after work, so that he doesn't have to hear from me again later on in the night because he is with someone else? (Which may explain why he never replied to me the times that i texted him)

 

Would love to hear your thoughts...

[SouthernSunshine]

He's got something else going on. When the other person/woman is around, his phone is off. Oh gosh, this is when it hurts. You've become ol' faithful. Routine, and predictability has taken its toll. He has a new thing.

 

Once the excuses come rolling in, it's all BS!! Fck that ****!

[Simone84]

Bah! That's exactly what i thought. At least now i know that i'm not just one of those insecure types that gets paranoid over nothing!

 

Since i have never actually been to visit him up there, he has always come down to visit me, i was thinking about suggesting that i come up for the first time as his birthday is coming up... I figure if he gets funny about it, that's all the confirmation i need...

 

Agree? Or do you think i've already got all the evidence i need...?

[2sunny]

Bah! That's exactly what i thought. At least now i know that i'm not just one of those insecure types that gets paranoid over nothing!

 

Since i have never actually been to visit him up there, he has always come down to visit me, i was thinking about suggesting that i come up for the first time as his birthday is coming up... I figure if he gets funny about it, that's all the confirmation i need...

 

Agree? Or do you think i've already got all the evidence i need...?

 

i'd back way off - and not contact at all... in fact - IF and when he were to contact i'd wait a long while to respond. my best guess is, he's seeing someone new and isn't being honest with you.

[Simone84]

My only worry is that if i back off he will notice that something is wrong on my end, and that maybe i even alredy suspect that he's cheating... In which case when i do offer to come up and visit him - he'll see right through it and realise that i'm only asking to come up becuse i suspect something... Does that make sense?

 

I was hoping to catch him off guard by just being cool about this whole thing then offering to come up and visit him...? I hope that makes sense

 

I just feel that offering to visit him would be the ultimate giveaway as to what's really going on. Judging from his reaction

[2sunny]

My only worry is that if i back off he will notice that something is wrong on my end, and that maybe i even alredy suspect that he's cheating... In which case when i do offer to come up and visit him - he'll see right through it and realise that i'm only asking to come up becuse i suspect something... Does that make sense?

 

I was hoping to catch him off guard by just being cool about this whole thing then offering to come up and visit him...? I hope that makes sense

 

I just feel that offering to visit him would be the ultimate giveaway as to what's really going on. Judging from his reaction

 

why would you offer to visit when this is out of the norm? don't visit unless he INVITES you!

 

and don't chase him - he should be chasing you! THE MORE YOU CHASE = THE MORE HE WILL RUN AWAY.

[Omei]

So far I think the advice given is silly (sorry people)!

You should be able to confront him talk to him, explain whats worrying you and ask whats up don't play games like trying to catch him off guard just ask him see what answer you get then go from there.

[Simone84]

Totally understand... But apart from these three incidences i don't really have a leg to stand on if you think about it... I mean, to him i would just look like i'm freaking out over nothing and being paranoid because he hasn't got back to me a few nights or whatever... I am pretty sure this is how he would see it and he would most likely get defensive about it. Besides, i'll look like i'm clingy or needy or something making a big deal over not getting a text reply, i'm pretty sure his response would be "look i just fell asleep what's the big deal" or "oh my god, i left my phone at work by accident, are you serious?"... Just saying - that would be the typical reaction from someone like him.

[aerogurl87]

Bah! That's exactly what i thought. At least now i know that i'm not just one of those insecure types that gets paranoid over nothing!

 

Since i have never actually been to visit him up there, he has always come down to visit me, i was thinking about suggesting that i come up for the first time as his birthday is coming up... I figure if he gets funny about it, that's all the confirmation i need...

 

Agree? Or do you think i've already got all the evidence i need...?

 

Sounds perfect, and if he is kinda leery of you visiting ask why. Then when he gets defensive which he will do if he's cheating, tell him you can't deal with the wishy washiness and leave his sorry ass.

[SouthernSunshine]

why would you offer to visit when this is out of the norm? don't visit unless he INVITES you!

 

and don't chase him - he should be chasing you! THE MORE YOU CHASE = THE MORE HE WILL RUN AWAY.

 

I completely agree with this. It's human nature. The more you want him/go after him.. the more he'll pull away. You push he pulls.

 

Words are NOISE. Men don't listen to words, they listen to no contact.

 

*good luck*

[Eeyore79]

It sounds to me like he's seeing someone else. You need to confront him, and don't let him tell you you're crazy.

[lizzibeth]

I agree with everyone else that something has definitely changed. I wouldn't go in accusing because that never seems to work well. I would however bring up the changes in his behavior and that you'd like to talk about them and what has changed on his end to warrant it. That way, you're not being the crazy girl pointing the finger but a concerned girlfriend being rational.

 

If that doesn't work and he flies off the handle at you, I would do as others have suggested and back off.

 

I love the men don't hear noise, they hear silence. I don't think truer words were ever spoken!

[Romance]

Ask about it. Call him up right now and be like uh whats going on with you?

[hopesndreams]

If your gut is telling you something is wrong, it's usually right.

 

Gut instinct drives us! I'm not talking paranoia, that's a mental illness. You aren't mentally ill are you?

[2sunny]

any update? did you two have an honest conversation? i think that's what's needed...

[HeavenOrHell]

Generalisations again

Some men DO listen to words, the only way me and my partner will make our LDR work is by continuing to communicate properly and be honest, when we don't it's when problems and over thinking arise.

You need to ask him if things are ok and tell him to be honest with you.

 

I completely agree with this. It's human nature. The more you want him/go after him.. the more he'll pull away. You push he pulls.

 

Words are NOISE. Men don't listen to words, they listen to no contact.

 

*good luck*

[Simone84]

Well it seems everyone on here was right...

 

Pretty sure he's been seeing someone else. He kind of shot himself in the foot, really.

 

...Last weekend (Sunday night) i asked what he was doing for his birthday - was he coming back to visit or was he staying over there for it. He said he'd probably have to stay there because he needed to make enough money so he could come back to see me and stay for at least a solid week. But he said he wished he was here with me now and that he missed me a lot.

 

...So i said i understand but i was thinking i come up and see him instead! For the first time ever i had some time off and i could actually go up there and vist him for his birthday and the timing was perfect. Besides we'd talked about it early on when he'd moved over there and now i could see where he lived and everything.

 

...His response was "i think i'll come up there" (to me). And i knew it, he'd basically just given me my answer - i thought he'd just said that he couldn't make it down because he had to make money?! ...But i played along. He said that because he had to work so much he would hardly see me if i went up there, and all i could do is just sit in his house and i would hate it. He said he'd rather get out of that hole anyway and come to me, and that way he could see his parents at the same time too.

 

...But i said i'd rather go there because i've never been there before and it's always the same thing at my house over here, and that it would be nice to do something different for a change! And plus i'd probably never get a chance to do it again timing-wise.

 

...But his response was that his lease was about to run out so he was moving in with his friend and his friend's fiance in a few days. He said that meant we would have to stay with them and he'd much rather if we had our own space at my house. He said his parents had also wanted to come up for his birthday but he told them the same thing, that he'd be back here soon anyway. (By the way, prior to this conversation i had no idea when he'd been planning to visit again - last time i'd seen him prior to this had only been about 3 weeks). He said it was easier for him to come to me and more fun where i live...

 

...So i said well i'd just rather do something different and that i thought he'd be happy and excited about me coming... And i got no response. He just stopped texting. So half an hour later i called him. And he did not pick up.

 

The next morning he texted to say sorry and that he must have 'passed out last night' because he'd been out drinking earlier in the day. I told him i tried to call him last night because i was stressing out now since i went ahead a few days earlier and bought the tickets to come up and visit him - i said i was sure he would have been happy about it and it was going to be a kind of birthday present too, and now i didn't know what to do!

 

He tried to ring once about a minute later but i was in the shower and only saw the missed call. And then i saw the text that came straight after it. HE DUMPED ME!!!

 

He said it was a nice idea but to try to get my money back. He said he had to work almost every day. And then he said in the last few days he'd been stressing out if this will work and one day he'd be thinking it will, the next day he'd be thinking it won't, he said he does love me but this is too hard and he can't do it anymore. He said he thought he could but he was better off on his own because he was always changing his mind. He also said that he didn't want to move to the cities we'd roughly discussed about moving to - instead he said he'd much rather move to a city to be closer to his brother. He said he really thought it could work but he couldnt make anything work in his life. He said even hanging out with his friends there doesn't feel right to him. Basically he kept emphasising how much i'm better off without him (?).

 

...So i said "lol" don't worry i haven't bought any tickets, i told him to calm down and that i wasn't going to bust him. I said i already knew he was seeing someone else, ever since he started lying about leaving his phone at work, going to bed early, and hafl the time not even replying to me, etc. I said i knew nobody there knew he had a girlfriend over here, and i said i was just a place for him to stay when he was in town. I told him i just needed him to confirm that i was right about him having someone else and he just did. I also said it was disgusting that the whole time he kept saying i love you and miss you when he was seeing someone else, and i said what kind of a dodge does that.

 

...ANd HE ****ING FLIPPED OUT!!! But i'd already shut down so i didn't answer the phone or text back. I already had my answer. All in all he must have tried to ring about five times from that point, and he also continuously kept sending texts at the same time... He said he wasn't seeing anyone and that everyone there knows he's seeing me, he denied the whole thing, said he did go to bed early and did leave his phone at work once, and he said he shouldn't even be responding to me (called me a liar) and that i was so far off it wasn't funny. He also said "whatever" about five times throughout all the texts.

 

 

Straight after that, the texts just kept coming, the next one was a little more threatening-sounding he said to "answer the ****ing phone and accuse him again!" and he said yeah i wouldn't because i knew i was full of ****... Then he changed his tune a bit and was trying to laugh it all off saying that i'd given him a good laugh over this and he said his boss at work was also currently laughing about it because he's heard all about the stress that my ex goes through trying to get advice and making it work with me. He said all he does is work, like he'd have the energy or time to see anyone. He said he didn't think i'd ever think that of him but that i can think what i want.

 

And then he just continued to text! Almost to himself beacuse i wasn't replying! He just said it was funny that i wouldn't answer the phone because i knew i was full of ****. He said his whole work place was full of people who knew he was in the right. He said he was glad he knew i make up **** now rather than later. And he said maybe he'll accuse me of seeing someone too that woudl be fair then. And then he said haha he couldn't even be bothered saying anymore.

 

...Then he stopped for a couple of hours. And then i got another text. He said sorry, but this wasn't funny, actually. He said i shouldn't accuse him of that and to give him some credit. He said he may be a dick who changes his mind a lot and that he should have told me as soon as he started doubting things but he just couldn't bring himself to say anything because he does love me and cares how i feel. He said he was hoping he could make it work. He said he was going to say something the week before but he didn't. And he said that he could see how it looked because he'd been distant. But he said as far as everything else went that was the truth and he doesn't like being accused of somethign he didn't do. And if i didn't believe him that was my choice.

 

...I'd already shut down by this point, as soon as i told him i hadn't really bought the tickets and i was just saying i did to get confirmation, that was when i cut the chord. Meanwhile, he kept trying to call and was getting rather angry over me not picking up obviously and he'd started wheeling out the reasons and excuses for how he'd been and how i had it wrong.

 

...The creepy thing is how crushed I could have been had i innocently gone ahead and actually done what i said i had. If i'd gone out and bought tickets to come visit my boyfriend for his birthday, thinking he'd be happy... And then he goes and dumps me for it. I'm glad he's shown me how mean and cruel and heartless he actually is. And i'm even more glad that i'd well protected myself long before he revealed himself to me. This was a test, and i pulled it off. Hence i shut down as soon as i got his reaction - after that point i had nothing left to say, and he obviously did. Weird for someone who claims they wanted out - you'd think he'd just write me off as a paranoid idiot if he hadn't cheated...

 

I'll never know for sure if it was cheating or if he really just wanted out, i'm just glad i got rid of someone so cruel and capable of trying to dump me like that.

 

There you go people - listen to your gut.

[Eeyore79]

Gosh, I'm so sorry to hear what happened... but you really dodged a bullet there. He was willing to go to any lengths to stop you visiting him, even to the extent of dumping you. He was most definitely cheating, and it's lucky you found out what a douchebag he is when you did.

[aerogurl87]

Gosh, I'm so sorry to hear what happened... but you really dodged a bullet there. He was willing to go to any lengths to stop you visiting him, even to the extent of dumping you. He was most definitely cheating, and it's lucky you found out what a douchebag he is when you did.

 

I agree, better to find out he was a complete jerk now rather than later.

[SouthernSunshine]

Wow, well.. good for you! It sounds like he has a live in GF.

[Simone84]

Yep i'm pretty disgusted over it.

 

I don't know if it would be a recent thing because he'd only started leaving his phone at work/going out drinking/not replying back etc. in the last couple of weeks before i took him down (lol). For some reason i think it might be only because he's started behaving differently two weeks leading up to all this.

 

Maybe what is even more disgusting is that he kept saying i love you and miss you and he was talking about him coming down soon to see me only the night before! Seriously - what, was he going to two-time us both or what?!

 

The interesting thing is that absolutely everyone that knows about this has said he's definitely cheating, nobody has actually said 'well maybe he really was just thinking about breaking it off with you because he couldn't see it working out...' Hm, interesting.

 

What gets me is the cruel way that he did it - just dropped it on my like that out of the blue really (except i saw it coming). People are saying he sounded like he was cornered in the end.

 

I really don't know what would be going through his head right now - any thoughts???

[luxx]

It's his reaction that gives him away the most.

 

You busted him, and i'm rather glad you did. Bravo.

[Citizen Erased]

Wow, there is no doubt about it what he was doing, I agree that his reaction confirms that. Both by dumping you when you pushed him about you going there and his behaviour after. Good for you, for all of it, but especially for not responding to him.

[2sunny]

who cares what he's thinking right now.

 

start getting busy being happy again! don't give him another thought.

[saragomez201]

Hi, what ever it is, u first talk with him. but don't show what you feel for him. after that make a decision....