Is he cheating?

[Calendula]

I DO NOT AGREE with most of what has been posted in this thread. You see what you want to see. You made assumptions and then saw only the circumstantial evidence that supported those assumptions WITHOUT any solid proof.

 

It sounds like your relationship with this person was NOT built on solid communication and trust. Texting is NOT a good way to build a relationship (you don't get enough contextual information or tone of voice), and you said that the majority of the communication you've had with this person has been through texting.

 

It sounds to me like what you did was immature and petty with regards to how you handled your doubts and suspicions, and how you accused him of a SERIOUS offense WITHOUT any definitive evidence. You accused him of something serious (lying and cheating) and then didn't even give him a chance to defend himself verbally. You saw what you wanted to see, picked out only the evidence that supported your chosen conclusion, and then 'shut him out' refusing to talk to him and even consider other possibilities than your interpretation. You didn't even consider the fact that you just MIGHT BE WRONG about your assumption.

 

There are all sorts of reasons that someone might break from their routine, especially when that routine has lasted for a solid year - an AMAZING length of time. Why can't he have just changed his routine and done exactly what he said he was doing? At no point in what you relayed can you say for certain that he lied to you about anything. He might have bene uncertain regarding where you two were going in the relationship, but that is reasonable and his behaviour was consistent with such uncertainty. It doesn't mean he had found someone else. By contrast, you LIED to him with regards to the whole thing about tickets and planning to come see him. You layed a trap for him that he could not have gotten out of in any way other than by confirming your false assumptions. I strongly believe that you would have found something to interpret as 'proof' of his cheating regardless of how he would have responded during your discussion about seeing him for his birthday. You ASSUMED things about what his actions meant, and then acted on those assumptions without first confirming them with solid evidence. This caused the entire situation to escalate into something it wasn't, instead of resolving it by directly asking him what was going on by TALKING to him over the phone (tone and indicative delays in response would have told you a lot), and then TRUSTING him when he told you something. You CHOSE to NOT trust him and I saw no reason for why you should stop trusting him other than his change in behaviour (which could have innumerable causes).

 

I feel sorry for your ex boyfriend in that you have treated him with so little fairness and consideration. Counter to what others have said so far in this thread I think that he is the lucky one to have managed to escape the relationship. I am not trying to be cruel or heartless, but what you describe in your posts is NOT something that someone who is mature, considerate or fair would have ever done. You've made some serious assumptions, made potentially false yet SERIOUS accusations, and not even considered listening to his side. Would he really have responded to your accusation with such vehemence if it had been true? I would think that it would have given him an easy out and he would have just taken it instead of fighting to state his side of things.

 

Unfortunately for you, what has been done cannot be undone. Whatever trust you two had built over the length of your relationship has now been destroyed, and even if you wanted him back I seriously doubt that you would be able to repair the destruction of that trust. Please SERIOUSLY CONSIDER any doubts you have with regards to similar situations with people in the future BEFORE acting on such doubts. You also need to work on OPENLY DISCUSSING with your PARTNER whatever doubts you have BEFORE you act on them and before you take the advice of your friends or strangers on a forum (who have no idea what is exactly going on in your life). So, his behaviour might have changed. Guess what? People change, their behaviours change, their lives change. What caused such changes can NEVER be safely assumed; the person who changed might not even know why they did so. Sometimes it just happens for no reason other than time.

 

Best of luck to you. I'm sorry if this post isn't exactly what you want to hear, or pleasant for you to read, but it is my perspective on what you have posted. If you truly think about EXACTLY what you have done and why you did it, you might not like what you see, but you might end up agreeing with me in spite of yourself. Hopefully it will at least help you keep from hurting someone else in the future.