My girlfriend told me our sex is boring and routine

[Melrapuo]

Just letting you all know that, since sex is in the title, there will be sex-talk in this post, so its NSFW.

 

Long story short, my girlfriend (21) and I (23) have been dating for almost two years now. We have been very much in love with each other, but our sex life wasn't always amazing. Granted, she is one of those girls that doesn't necessarily like penetration for too long during sex, but is more into oral.

 

The sex for us, as stated before, wasn't great in the beginning. In fact, it was non-existent for a while. I had just been getting over a relationship previous to dating her (as was she), and my confidence was shot, which affected my "performance" for months on end. It drove us to pretty much break up the first time. However, since I couldn't do that, I tried other things (like oral, if you didn't figure that part out) and she had told me in the beginning of the relationship that I was the only boyfriend she ever had that could actually get her off at all, so this was a high point for me. That kept me going until I could get my confidence back.

 

Since then our sex life has been pretty infrequent - maybe once or twice a month, at best. I would do other things to at least get her off, but otherwise that was about it. This has been the routine ever since. Granted, yes, it is pretty god damn boring, but this is only my second relationship and I'm still admitting that I'm new to this stuff.

 

Anyway, we went on vacation a month ago and everything seemed fine. However, during that time, her ex had called her (he had been harassing her every few months or so since they broke up, and she's pretty much told him to **** off every time.) The week after she got back, she decided to call him back and pretty much ask him wtf his problem was for not just leaving her alone, and he said he didn't want to end up as the douchebag who cheated on her. She told him that he was a douchebag, and left it at that. She told me that she called him and pretty much cried her eyes out to me, saying that her calling him was ruining our relationship because it was screwing up my trust in her (which it has, but its not like she cheated on me by calling him so I've let it go). I threw this part in because I do believe that she called because she was tired of his ****, but I'm also thinking that maybe she wanted to talk to him and have him something like he still loved her or whatever. There's no real proof of this, but its just a feeling. She has told me how much pain he caused her, and she still feels anger towards him, so who knows.

 

However, it seems that something else is bothering her and has made her distance herself sexually. She has been very depressed for months now, with almost everything going on in her life, like her job, her lack of a good car, having almost no friends, etc. And tonight, after talking about it, its become apparent that she is bored with our sex. She said its not because she likes someone else, or her ex. And she said its not me in general either. She just says that she knows exactly whats going to happen, and I won't disagree with her. I do the exact same damn thing over and over again. My technique is very stale, I'll admit. I'll kiss her neck, do some things with her ear, feel around, and then go for it. Problem is, I don't know much else.

 

The past few times, I've caught her staring off into the distance, as if to be like "ok when is this gonna be over with..." My question here is, what the hell do I do? How can you mix that up? I'm having a hard time thinking of new ways to turn her on.

 

Tonight, after we talked about it, I tried to change things up. I'm more of a gentle, loving person, and she has told me before how she likes things more aggressive, so I decided to do just that. Without saying a word, I went straight for it, without letting her know (kinda like just ripping the clothes off her). It worked for a few minutes but she "lost it" after a bit. I asked if I was too rough, and she said no. She cried for a while and kept apologizing to me about that. I've told her that I'll just have to figure something else out to keep her interest up, and she's telling me that she really does love me. I'm just afraid that its going to break us up, because I do care tremendously about her and don't want to lose her. The fact that she doesn't wanna have sex (hell, she used to even initiate sex) is making me feel less confident and alone. And I feel that, because of the lack of sex, she really doesn't love me anymore, even though she has told me she does.

 

Any advice would be helpful. I'm literally drinking a beer just so I can calm my nerves down so I can go to work in the morning.

[GooseChaser]

Could you list things about her and your relationship with her that are positive and that make you happy, and things that she likes about you? From just what you wrote I don't get a good feeling, but maybe more information would help.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Tonight, after we talked about it, I tried to change things up. I'm more of a gentle, loving person, and she has told me before how she likes things more aggressive, so I decided to do just that. Without saying a word, I went straight for it, without letting her know (kinda like just ripping the clothes off her). It worked for a few minutes but she "lost it" after a bit. I asked if I was too rough, and she said no. She cried for a while and kept apologizing to me about that. I've told her that I'll just have to figure something else out to keep her interest up, and she's telling me that she really does love me. I'm just afraid that its going to break us up, because I do care tremendously about her and don't want to lose her. The fact that she doesn't wanna have sex (hell, she used to even initiate sex) is making me feel less confident and alone. And I feel that, because of the lack of sex, she really doesn't love me anymore, even though she has told me she does.

Any advice would be helpful. I'm literally drinking a beer just so I can calm my nerves down so I can go to work in the morning.

 

Don't fool yourself. This isn't your problem and she knows it. You can't fix this.

 

There is something seriously going on in her head that she won't talk about.

 

My suggestion is this. If you want to keep her, you have to lose her. Tell her that you feel like she isn't making an effort and that your not willing to live like that. Give her some time to fix it, with the understanding that if she wont be honest or can't fix it.... your going to dump her.

 

As long as she can twist you all up and make you feel like this is all your fault. Like your a bad lover... then she can do as she pleases. Don't let her destroy your self esteem and confidence!!! Do something now!

 

Just between you and me... I would not put up with this kind of crap, and I couldn't love someone who would do it.

[Melrapuo]

Sorry, went kind of on a negative rant about things.

 

Compared to anyone else I've ever dated, she is probably the nicest and most kind-hearted. She likes to buy me little gifts and do little things to make me happy (she bought me a hoodie last week). I take her out to dinner a lot, and I've bought her things before (she always told me how none of her exes were ever nice enough to even take her out or buy her any gifts, which I do) we always hang with each other, we make each other laugh. She's one of the first people that I have ever met that I've actually grown to be comfortable with. She has said the same to me. There are intimate things that she said she has never talked to any previous boyfriend before, about how she loves me and cares about me. When we were on vacation, we realized we would have no problem actually living with each other. For her, I never really asked her what specifically about me she has liked, but she has told me on several occasions on how she always misses me, to the point where she almost gets separation anxiety. We still hold hands and cuddle, so I don't think there's any problems there. We have had fights before, but she's the first girl who will ever tell me straight up whats on her mind, and be willing to work things out. That part always made me happy, because my ex never did that, and it showed maturity.

 

I can't really thing of anymore specifics, to be honest. Overall she has made me feel loved and cared for, and she has felt the same from me. I think its just this specific thing in our life that has always caused us trouble.

[GooseChaser]

 

Well, my suggestion would be to ask her what she wants in bed. What she likes. What she wants to try out. Switch up the sex positions and things to make things more interesting. I'm sure there's all sorts of new things you can try. Just be perceptive about how she reacts to them and try to make her happy. Try to think of ideas. You could also do romantic overtures like flowers, candles, and stuff. Make her a card. Go on nice dates together. I'm sure you can think of things. Be creative. =]

[Allisha]

Just letting you all know that, since sex is in the title, there will be sex-talk in this post, so its NSFW.

 

Long story short, my girlfriend (21) and I (23) have been dating for almost two years now. We have been very much in love with each other, but our sex life wasn't always amazing. Granted, she is one of those girls that doesn't necessarily like penetration for too long during sex, but is more into oral.

 

The sex for us, as stated before, wasn't great in the beginning. In fact, it was non-existent for a while. I had just been getting over a relationship previous to dating her (as was she), and my confidence was shot, which affected my "performance" for months on end. It drove us to pretty much break up the first time. However, since I couldn't do that, I tried other things (like oral, if you didn't figure that part out) and she had told me in the beginning of the relationship that I was the only boyfriend she ever had that could actually get her off at all, so this was a high point for me. That kept me going until I could get my confidence back.

 

Since then our sex life has been pretty infrequent - maybe once or twice a month, at best. I would do other things to at least get her off, but otherwise that was about it. This has been the routine ever since. Granted, yes, it is pretty god damn boring, but this is only my second relationship and I'm still admitting that I'm new to this stuff.

 

Anyway, we went on vacation a month ago and everything seemed fine. However, during that time, her ex had called her (he had been harassing her every few months or so since they broke up, and she's pretty much told him to **** off every time.) The week after she got back, she decided to call him back and pretty much ask him wtf his problem was for not just leaving her alone, and he said he didn't want to end up as the douchebag who cheated on her. She told him that he was a douchebag, and left it at that. She told me that she called him and pretty much cried her eyes out to me, saying that her calling him was ruining our relationship because it was screwing up my trust in her (which it has, but its not like she cheated on me by calling him so I've let it go). I threw this part in because I do believe that she called because she was tired of his ****, but I'm also thinking that maybe she wanted to talk to him and have him something like he still loved her or whatever. There's no real proof of this, but its just a feeling. She has told me how much pain he caused her, and she still feels anger towards him, so who knows.

 

However, it seems that something else is bothering her and has made her distance herself sexually. She has been very depressed for months now, with almost everything going on in her life, like her job, her lack of a good car, having almost no friends, etc. And tonight, after talking about it, its become apparent that she is bored with our sex. She said its not because she likes someone else, or her ex. And she said its not me in general either. She just says that she knows exactly whats going to happen, and I won't disagree with her. I do the exact same damn thing over and over again. My technique is very stale, I'll admit. I'll kiss her neck, do some things with her ear, feel around, and then go for it. Problem is, I don't know much else.

 

The past few times, I've caught her staring off into the distance, as if to be like "ok when is this gonna be over with..." My question here is, what the hell do I do? How can you mix that up? I'm having a hard time thinking of new ways to turn her on.

 

Tonight, after we talked about it, I tried to change things up. I'm more of a gentle, loving person, and she has told me before how she likes things more aggressive, so I decided to do just that. Without saying a word, I went straight for it, without letting her know (kinda like just ripping the clothes off her). It worked for a few minutes but she "lost it" after a bit. I asked if I was too rough, and she said no. She cried for a while and kept apologizing to me about that. I've told her that I'll just have to figure something else out to keep her interest up, and she's telling me that she really does love me. I'm just afraid that its going to break us up, because I do care tremendously about her and don't want to lose her. The fact that she doesn't wanna have sex (hell, she used to even initiate sex) is making me feel less confident and alone. And I feel that, because of the lack of sex, she really doesn't love me anymore, even though she has told me she does.

 

Any advice would be helpful. I'm literally drinking a beer just so I can calm my nerves down so I can go to work in the morning.

 

Hmm. Should probably be in the sex section, but anyway...

I would "lose it" too if you did that with me. Personally, it would just seem a bit contrived to me. You're not naturally an aggressive or rough person, so there's a line you don't want to cross, where you come across as trying too hard rather than being caught in the moment.

 

Your sex life does sound rather repetitve, so a few questions about the regular things people use to "spice" up their bedroom antics, and if you've tried them out.

 

- Sex toys? Yes/no?

- Do you stimulate her G-Spot?

- Lube? Some women simply don't get that "wet" naturally through arousal. Therefore sex can be somewhat uncomfortable and a little less enjoyable. Some lube could help her enjoy it more if this is the issue.

- Roleplay?

- Stimulate her g-spot & clitoris at the same time?

- Dress up?

- Striptease?

 

Course, this isn't only just about her... don't forget about yourself. Don't forget to tell her what you like too

Edited September 24, 2010 by Allisha

[Untouchable_Fire]

Well, my suggestion would be to ask her what she wants in bed. What she likes. What she wants to try out. Switch up the sex positions and things to make things more interesting. I'm sure there's all sorts of new things you can try. Just be perceptive about how she reacts to them and try to make her happy. Try to think of ideas. You could also do romantic overtures like flowers, candles, and stuff. Make her a card. Go on nice dates together. I'm sure you can think of things. Be creative. =]

 

I don't think this is about sex at all!

 

Unless maybe she feels they have no sexual chemistry.

 

Hmm. Should probably be in the sex section, but anyway...

I would "lose it" too if you did that with me. Personally, it would just seem a bit contrived to me. You're not naturally an aggressive or rough person, so there's a line you don't want to cross, where you come across as trying too hard rather than being caught in the moment.

Your sex life does sound rather repetitve, so a few questions about the regular things people use to "spice" up their bedroom antics, and if you've tried them out.

- Sex toys? Yes/no?

- Do you stimulate her G-Spot?

- Lube? Some women simply don't get that "wet" naturally through arousal. Therefore sex can be somewhat uncomfortable and a little less enjoyable. Some lube could help her enjoy it more if this is the issue.

- Roleplay?

- Stimulate her g-spot & clitoris at the same time?

- Dress up?

- Striptease?

Course, this isn't only just about her... don't forget about yourself. Don't forget to tell her what you like too

 

Read his post about how things started and where they are now.

 

Do you think him dressing as a gay cowboy is going to change things?

 

They started bad. Got a little better... and now she has no interest.

 

Hmmm....

 

Do you really think this problem exists only in the bedroom? I think it starts elsewhere.

[GooseChaser]

It depends on whether they want to keep trying or just let it go. There do seem to be problems going on here, though. Maybe there needs to be more communication. That's what she's trying to do by saying that comment about their sex life. She's trying to let him know that she's losing interest and things need spicing up.

[Allisha]

I don't think this is about sex at all!

 

Unless maybe she feels they have no sexual chemistry.

 

 

 

Read his post about how things started and where they are now.

 

Do you think him dressing as a gay cowboy is going to change things?

They started bad. Got a little better... and now she has no interest.

 

Hmmm....

 

Do you really think this problem exists only in the bedroom? I think it starts elsewhere.

 

 

Don't be smart with me.

 

I must admit, I got a bad feeling reading his post, like there's definitely something else going on here. But he kept on coming back to the issue of his boring sex life, and so I gave him some ideas about the sort of things others do to spice up their sex lives..

[Untouchable_Fire]

Don't be smart with me.

I must admit, I got a bad feeling reading his post, like there's definitely something else going on here. But he kept on coming back to the issue of his boring sex life, and so I gave him some ideas about the sort of things others do to spice up their sex lives..

 

In a normal relationship I think your ideas would have been fantastic.

 

This guy is CONVINCED that HE is the problem. Don't feed into it by suggesting things we both know wont work in his situation.

 

His GF clearly has some stuff going on in her head.... maybe he is just a rebound guy to her... or she isn't 100% over the Xbf... or whatever.

 

The point is that she is being very dishonest about it, and trying to make him feel it's his fault. When he foolishly believes her... she feels all guilty and cries.

 

Doesn't that make more sense to you?

 

Don't you think he needs to hear advice where we stop blaming him and telling him that what he is doing is inadequate? It's just feeding into her blameshifting. She probably just feels incredibly bad about this and doesn't want to face up to it. He NEEDS the truth from her, and I don't think we should be telling him to try harder.

 

That's just my opinion.

[Kamille]

She's 21 and perhaps doesn't understand yet that is she wants a more interesting sex-life, it's up to her to spice it up.

 

You sound like you would be open to any ideas she would have on how she wants to spice things up.

 

Meanwhile, she sounds like she's depressed and unhappy and trying to find reasons for her depression.

 

The one thing you have to realize is that her not taking responsibility for your sex life isn't fair to you.

 

In your shoes, I would tell her: "Yay! I'm all for project spicing sex-life up! Let's brainstorm. What would you like us to do?"

 

And as to penetration and the fact she doesn't enjoy it the most, a few things: ask her to stimulate her own clitoris with a finger or a toy while you're inside her. Use lube if dryness-soreness is a problem. Ask her which positions provide her with the most pleasure and encourage her to experiment with movement while you're having penetrative sex. She has to figure out what feels good to her.

[Viking]

This sounds kind of similar to my relationship pre-breakup. We had begun to hang out a little before my gf broke up with her bf. We'd go walk my dog around town and talk about all sorts of stuff. The final straw was when I kissed her drunkenly and she kissed me back. She broke up with her bf and we started just hanging out/low profile dating. We did that for 5 months and then I told her she needed to be my GF or I was done.

 

So, I was kind of a rebound of sorts. Closer to the end when we broke up, we stopped having sex because she was not interested and flat out, she was finding things to keep her busy so she didn't have to face the fact that we were not working out. She would tell me that she felt like she was using me and that I was being hurt because of her. Finally, it all came crashing down and we broke up and that was that...or so I thought. I had never told her that I loved her because of her fear of commitment. So, about three weeks later, I saw her out at a bar and she had been out of town for about 2 weeks, so I didn't have to worry about seeing her. She had decided that in our time apart that she actually did want me and wasn't afraid to commit in a relationship.

 

I think what your problem is that your gf is afraid of commitment at her age. My gf and I got back together and have been going well so far. There is something that happens with some girls at age 21 that they decide that they're still young and that they don't want to be tied down or have to commit to anything because it might constrict their freedom. I think it is utter bull****, but both my gf and my ex gf did this when they were 21 and they aren't the only ones who've done that. I have friends who have had that done to them because their gfs think that they need to be free and not have any responsibility or commitment at all. BS I know, but it happens a lot.

 

If you were to break up with her, she would either realize that she has a problem and needs to fix it, or she will deal with it and you can move on and find someone who is ready to be in a committed relationship with you. It just strikes me that she has commitment issues. Sometimes they need a wake up call by losing something that they actually did want a commitment with.

[Allisha]

In a normal relationship I think your ideas would have been fantastic.

 

This guy is CONVINCED that HE is the problem. Don't feed into it by suggesting things we both know wont work in his situation.

 

His GF clearly has some stuff going on in her head.... maybe he is just a rebound guy to her... or she isn't 100% over the Xbf... or whatever.

 

The point is that she is being very dishonest about it, and trying to make him feel it's his fault. When he foolishly believes her... she feels all guilty and cries.

 

Doesn't that make more sense to you?

 

Don't you think he needs to hear advice where we stop blaming him and telling him that what he is doing is inadequate? It's just feeding into her blameshifting. She probably just feels incredibly bad about this and doesn't want to face up to it. He NEEDS the truth from her, and I don't think we should be telling him to try harder.

 

That's just my opinion.

 

Course it makes sense. I'm not stupid. Like I said, something seems very wrong between them.

 

OP, there are a few things in your opening post that, when I read them, screamed, "red flag!!!" at me - loud and clear.

 

- "I was a bit more rough with her...she was into it at first, then lost it, and started to cry and say it wasn't my fault"

- "I've seen her stare into space and not even look at me, giving the impression she's bored and not into it"

 

Now, I could be way, way off with this, but given your lack of a sex life (which is important for keeping a connection with your partner long term), her crying & apologising, and then not being able to look at you during what's supposed to be the most intimate time a couple can have, I personally believe she is, or has, seen another man at some stage. Possibly her ex. I think you should become at least open to the idea that something more may have happened after that phone call.

 

I could be wrong, but after reading your post again (it was the early hours when I first read it), she's definitely hiding something. And even if she hasn't cheated, she's blatantly disrespecting you by NOT discussing things with you. There's no communication, there's no sex life, she's putting all the blame on you...WHY are you still in this relationship?!

Edited September 24, 2010 by Allisha

[ConflictedGuy27]

sometimes people just aren't a match for the long term, my friend.

 

it's not a bad thing; it's just life.

from what I gathered, she's unhappy and very vulnerable, but doesn't have many options. trust me, if she had more options, I'd wager she would have moved on by now.

 

you mentioned not wanting to lose her, and I can appreciate that feeling, but unfortunately you can't prevent the inevitable.

 

you've described a young girl willing to jump ship if the cost/benefit factors out in her favor. sex is a big component in that equation.

 

she may be depressed because she's thinking (perhaps realistically) that you are no longer what she wants. that would be my best guess based on what you offered in your post and my experiences with women.

 

my guess is you're reading this and thinking... "well, that's not helping at all!" lol. its the way of the world my friend. if she really is disappointed in your R, it's unhealthy for you to remain in this hyper state of trying to "fix" everything.

 

it's unhealthy because:

 

1. you cant "fix" some of this stuff (because nobody can); &

2. she's perpetuating/encouraging the "it is your fault" theme.

 

you mentioned this issue may break you guys up. it very well may. just understand that if so, it's because you two weren't a match - don't think that it's because certain aspects of yourself were universally unlikeable.

 

I wish you luck.

[carhill]

OP, TBH, she sounds like some of the great female *friends* I've had in my life. Sometimes relations need to stop at friends and not progress to intimate friends, boyfriend/girlfriend or husband/wife. That's just how it is. To me, it sounds like you're both trying to make something work that isn't there.

 

IMO, you both should take a break from relationships and grow some on your own. If you've been constantly in relationships since being teenagers, I'll double that advice. Your d*ck won't fall off if it doesn't have a vagina to inhabit regularly. Grow on your own and hone your people-picker. Try it for a year. Date casually and have sex, if casual sex is appropriate for you, but stay away from 'you and me forever baby' stuff for a year.

 

Your current girlfriend will have no problem replacing you (women never do) so she'll be fine, or as fine as she'll be. No worries. Life goes on. Good luck

[likestolaugh]

Perhaps there is some sort of "mood" setting she prefers. I know it's not ideal to always have everything "perfect" before sex, but maybe that'll help get the ball rolling...

 

I'm in a similar situation myself.

[Lemontang]

I have to say I'm getting a bad feeling on this too. An undercurrent that seems all to familiar. An ex of mine would often say our sex was repetitive no matter what I did. We used to have a really good sex life, then it literally changed overnight and she started to pick on the whole thing....Now considering I've met my idol Ron Jeremy (porn star) and have a healthy appetite for sex and all things involved this was a little odd for me. Needles to say it was because she was sleeping around, something I didn't find out till after the fact. So this is why it reads all too similar. Sorry bro but that's just my view point, not saying that it is fact for you but the "love is blind" goggles do tend to skew things and all I'm hearing are alarm bells.

 

I sincerely hope it's not the case, but I would throw the issue back at her. I mean your clearly doing all you can, heck your on here even looking for advice so you should be patting yourself on the back.

 

But if your after a great spice up tip, throw her on the washing machine during the spin cycle. OMFG! If that does nothing, you've done all you can, because I haven't met a girl yet that doesn't love that.

[Chrome Barracuda]

You know i ask women have you ever been F-ed in the culo. it tends to gets them curious....

lol.

 

Hey i havent been smacked for asking it! why dont you just ask her in your best barry white voice, baby i wanna ride all in your hershey highway.

 

hey, it might work.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

 

Tonight, after we talked about it, I tried to change things up. I'm more of a gentle, loving person, and she has told me before how she likes things more aggressive, so I decided to do just that. Without saying a word, I went straight for it, without letting her know (kinda like just ripping the clothes off her). It worked for a few minutes but she "lost it" after a bit. I asked if I was too rough, and she said no. She cried for a while and kept apologizing to me about that.

 

 

 

The secret is in the flashbacks...

 

 

There is something in her past that she needs to resolve, and it likely has nothing to do with you.

[Melrapuo]

Sorry to leave people hanging.

 

So the next day I talked to her about it, and pretty much she said she didn't mean it the way she did the day before. She said there was nothing wrong with me so much as it was just cuz during the past month or so she has been having one bad thing after another happen to her (which is true), and that it had nothing whatsoever to do with me.

 

That being said, that night we had...well...lets say a really great night ; )