Argh!! Very frustrated with male friend.

[KraftDinner]

This is probably going to be long...

 

About 8 years ago I met a guy, I'll call him F, and we started occasionally going for coffee and walks. I was married at the time and honestly, right at first I thought F was gay. I soon realized he wasn't but my then-husband didn't seem to mind, and F never flirted with me or acted like he liked me in any way, so everything seemed fine.

 

My marriage ended and I separated. F introduced me to his friend C and for several weeks after kept making comments to me about how C had thought I was so cute and how I should go for it. I think he thought that was hilarious because C is younger than I am and I guess he thought in a million years I'd never go for C. Well, I don't have a problem with younger men and C likes older women. So about 7.5 years ago, C and I started seeing each other. We are still together.

 

Well, F went ballistic and stopped speaking to both of us. I would ask C what F's problem was and it occurred to me that maybe (not trying to flatter myself, just trying to eliminate all possibilities) F had feelings for me and that is why he was upset. C said no, that wasn't it. Then I thought maybe F had feelings for C... since I had originally thought F was gay. Hmm... not sure but I don't think so.

 

Anyway, F and I didn't speak for about 1.5 years, and then we started hanging out again because I contacted him and patched things up. I even apologized although really I didn't do anything other than fall for his friend, which I thought he had been encouraging. C and F have never reconciled.

 

So... F and I have been hanging out for the last 6 years as friends, while I am still in a relationship with C. Things have been fine. C isn't thrilled about my friendship with F but he knows I have never had feelings for F so he's okay with it.

 

Anyway... over the last 6 years, F would sometimes make rude comments about women over 30 (F is in his early 40s, and I myself am mid-30s). Even though he's older and completely single, he acted as though he was too good to date anyone over 30. He's NOT an attractive man at all. He has had one date since I've known him. And when I'd get upset about his rude comments, he'd say he had only been joking and that I shouldn't take him so seriously because he makes jokes comments about everyone and everything (which is true). So I'd feel dumb for letting it bother me and wonder why it did, since I don't particularly care about his opinion.

 

Then sometimes he'd make comments about how older women dating younger men were pathetic or something (and he knows that I'm still with C, and that he's younger).

 

Over the years his little comments were starting to really hurt me. It's like I got a complex or something because of his comments. I don't have a problem with getting older but a 40-something man belittling 30-something women is offensive and I started to internalize some of it.

 

In July of this year, I drafted an email to F saying that I couldn't take his comments anymore. I never sent it. It's still sitting in my drafts folder. I couldn't bring myself to send it because his comments have always been cowardly disguised as "jokes" so I'm pathetic for letting them bother me, right? I don't know. It bugs me that his comments bug me.

 

Anyway, in August of this year, the truth came out. He finally confessed the reason he had stopped talking to me and C 7.5 years ago... he had been "deeply" in love with me and C had known about it.

 

The fact that C has never told me this is odd, but he really doesn't like to gossip and he probably thought it wasn't his place to tell me this and since he knew I'd never had feelings for F he probably thought it was irrelevant. I haven't told C that F has told me this stuff.

 

Anyway, the night of the big confession, he also told me something else. He told me that the reason he has made comments about women over 30 and also women with younger men was because he was so upset about me being with C.

 

So it's the adult equivalent of the schoolyard boy pulling the pigtails of the girl he likes.

 

I kind of got over his revelation about his being in love with me... I don't really care because he's not even on my radar that way at all. If I was single and desperate I wouldn't go for him even then. He's not attractive.

 

But all I can think about is that for the last several years, F has been making comments to hurt me... on purpose. All that hurt he caused me, he did intentionally.

 

I'm so hurt by that, and so angry. I don't even know if I can ever get past that. Who intentionally tries to belittle a friend because of some petty BS like that?

 

I value my friendship with F a lot. Or... I did. I don't take the ending of friendships lightly at all. But I'm contemplating telling him to take a hike. I don't have a lot of friends because I am the type of person who has few but strong relationships and don't really value acquaintances.

 

I'm torn between confronting him and just cutting him out.

 

I can't believe how immature F is. He's 42, for heaven's sake. I don't get angry often but man... I am now.

 

Any thoughts/opinions? Thanks for making it this far.

[Shannyn]

I agree with you, F behaved VERY immaturely. He behaved immaturely back when he introduced you to C and then went ballistic over the two of you being together (despite him never making a move and him even sort of trying to throw the two of you together via his hints) and then when he has a chance to be friends with you again decides to be rude and insulting. I would honestly ask yourself if you want a man in his 40s who acts like this in your life. I assume there must be good qualities in him for you to want to maintain his friendship but honestly, if the stuff he's pulling is hurting you you might want to ask yourself if his good qualities are worth it. If you decide to end the friendship, be honest and tell him that his comments hurt you even when you thought he was joking, that you thought he was disrespectful when he didn't take your complains about them seriously (cause he was), and that it hurt you to realize you were doing them to deliberately hurt you.

[dispatch3d]

I kind of got over his revelation about his being in love with me... I don't really care because he's not even on my radar that way at all. If I was single and desperate I wouldn't go for him even then. He's not attractive.

 

Having a friend believe in you like this is pretty deeply hurtful to. Sure you've never said it, but I wouldn't be surprised if a couple times in the last 5 years you at least implied it.

[freestyle]

I'm sorry, but F sounds like the passive-aggressive poster child.

 

P/A people are sneaky--they don't let you know what they're really thinking,

(all the years he was interested in you, and pretended to be your friend, when his main objective was to get in your pants)

 

And, they're famous for taking little sideways jabs--thinly veiled barbs disguised as "jokes'. If you bring up that it bothers you, they'll make it out to be YOUR fault for being bothered---"Can't you take a joke...?":rolleyes:

 

(which by the way, completely dismisses your point of view and feelings--It's invalidating)

 

So he insults you, and somehow YOU'RE the bad guy, for getting upset?!?!?!

 

He doesn't sound like a real friend to me......True friend are upfront, and don't have hidden agendas. F sounds very manipulative to me-you might be better off walking away from him.

[DarthJasper]

Yeah, I agree with the ones before me. He's a whiny looser who brings nothing to the friendship table. Tell him you have decided to start hanging out with younger guys.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I didn't even need to bother reading the end.

 

"F" has romantic feelings for you, regardless of how little you feel for him.

 

 

That is the root factor in any direction your interactions take. When he is mean to you, that is because your expressing anger toward him puts him nearer to you than when you don't express anything toward him, etc.