Why do some women have extramarital affairs?

[Spark1111]

Then tell me why it's so uncommon for women to have affairs in places like Iran.

 

Bottom line... women have affairs because they face zero consequences... and in divorce situations they almost always benefit.

 

Affairs should be considered equal to physical abuse when filing for a divorce.

 

Threat of death? By stoning or fire? If they are even seen walking with a man who is not a family member?

 

Doubt they are thinking of their romantic and emotional lives under those conditions. Probably just thinking of staying alive.

 

And the men there....do they not have affairs? Or is it just culturally acceptable for men to have many women, as long as the woman is not the property (wife) of another man?

 

I would not want a man or woman to stay in a relationship with me or anyone under the fear of threat of death.

 

Would you?

[Joe Normal]

This question is for women only.

 

When I was married, my wife cheated on me with another man. She never gave me a clear explanation as to why, but over the years after talking to men and women about relationships, I came up with 3 reasons why I feel some women have extramarital affairs:

 

A: She wants variety. She already has the safety and convenience of a committed relationship, and the sex is good. But she's getting bored with having sex with the same man all the time and she simply wants to have experiences with other men, without jeopardizing her current relationship.

 

B: The sex isn't good. Outside of bed, he's loving, compassionate, and listens to her. But in bed he's impotent, he's not good at what he does, or he doesn't want to have sex as often as she does, leaving her unfulfilled. He's a good husband and partner, but not a good lover.

 

C: The sex IS good, but there's no emotional bonding. In bed, he knows what to say and do to cause her to feel sweet sensations all over. But outside of bed he's cold, demeaning and inconsiderate of her feelings. He's a good lover, but not a good husband and partner.

 

I know this doesn't cover every possible reason why a woman would have an extramarital affair, but based on my experience from talking to others, I find these are the most common.

 

Ladies, I'm asking if you would arrange these in order from most common to least common (example: BCA, or ACB, etc.), based on your personal views and talks you've had with other women. Feel free to add in other <popular> reasons that I might not be aware of. Thanks.

 

I'm a guy but you missed the obvious one: where both the sex AND the relationship suck.

[Joe Normal]

I never cheated because of sex - I cheated because I liked knowing that I was objectively desired.

 

But you don't need to cheat to know that, you can just ask guys "If I walked in naked to your bedroom, would you rip off your clothes and jump into bed with me?" So it must have been more than that.

[dreamingoftigers]

^^^^ that is mine, but I still won't cheat. Even though I look at all of the young couples in love (and old ones too) and feel like I would give anything for a flicker of that feeling in my own life. I know i won't cheat because I despise it so much and know intimately the damage that it causes, but truly I wish I were somewhere else but here. There was someone I developed feelings for just because he would actually respond to things I said at a basic conversational level. My husband doesn't even respect me enough to do that anymore. (No we NEVER talked about anything inappropriate EVER, I would not do that, people that do that disgust me, I also limited my contact with that person and he has since permanently relocated to another continent) My husband literally will not respond when I say things to him, he won't even throw our his own garbage, he leaves it all around the house!

[alexandria35]

I'm a guy and I'd like to chime in for a sec.

 

IMHO many women cheat because the man fails to make them feel desirable, understood, and loved. That's the bottom line.

 

While other women - (serial cheaters specifically) - cheat because they have a serious character flaw that can be traced to something that happened in their childhood.

 

The same can be said about men as well.

 

 

100% agree with this. I'm not married but I did have a long term relationship once where I became seriously tempted to cheat. The guy I was with was an alcoholic so yeah it was kind of my fault for having any expectations of a rewarding healthy relationship with an alcoholic in the first place. Anyways he made it clear to me time and time again that he didn't enjoy my company, didn't need me and basically only wanted me to meet his needs and only on his terms. The sex was fine I guess..meaning that he was good at sex, but I really didn't get much out of it because I felt so unloved by him. So I meet this guy (at church of all places..ewww) and we start talking to each other. Normally I would have never ever been attracted to this guy, but he clearly liked me. He sought me out, asked me about myself, complimented me and definitely enjoyed my company. He was basically just giving me attention that I had been starving for and I didn't realize just how much I was missing the attention until he came along and gave me a taste. In the end I knew what I was considering with this guy was wrong and I stopped all contact with him, even stopped going to that church. Broke up with the alcoholic about a year later and to this day I'm glad that nothing ever happened beyond a small flirtation with this guy and I never cheated on my ex because I'm sure it would have tainted my future relationships. But I do believe that lots of women who cheat feel emotionally neglected by their husbands.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I would not want a man or woman to stay in a relationship with me or anyone under the fear of threat of death.

Would you?

 

Fear of consequences changes their behavior. Much more so than with men.

 

Turn that consequence into a positive side effect... and whammy... you have your reason.

 

So, I suppose what we are really discussing here is the excuse. Does it really matter how it gets rationalized? Blah, blah, blah... it's the mans fault. Got it.

 

I'm glad that nothing ever happened beyond a small flirtation with this guy and I never cheated on my ex because I'm sure it would have tainted my future relationships. But I do believe that lots of women who cheat feel emotionally neglected by their husbands.

 

I agree. Now... is that feeling of emotional neglect typically valid?

 

Additionally... is that a reason for cheating?

[Spark1111]

Fear of consequences changes their behavior. Much more so than with men.

 

Turn that consequence into a positive side effect... and whammy... you have your reason.

 

So, I suppose what we are really discussing here is the excuse. Does it really matter how it gets rationalized? Blah, blah, blah... it's the mans fault. Got it.

 

 

 

I agree. Now... is that feeling of emotional neglect typically valid?

 

Additionally... is that a reason for cheating?

 

Who said it was the man's fault? Or the woman's?

 

There is no excuse for cheating, IMO.

 

The OP wanted to know why women cheat and his three reasons mentioned relationship and sexual performance.

 

He was thinking like a man.....

 

Women cheat to feel desired, appreciated and understood. And that is no one's fault.

 

Men, probably for the very same reasons, though sex is a bigger component in their affair dynamic at the start. Again, my opinion.

 

A woman becomes emotionally attracted FIRST, and then the physical aspects grow.

 

A man becomes physically attracted FIRST, and then the emotional bond can grow.

[turnera]

^^^^ that is mine, but I still won't cheat. Even though I look at all of the young couples in love (and old ones too) and feel like I would give anything for a flicker of that feeling in my own life. I know i won't cheat because I despise it so much and know intimately the damage that it causes, but truly I wish I were somewhere else but here. There was someone I developed feelings for just because he would actually respond to things I said at a basic conversational level. My husband doesn't even respect me enough to do that anymore. (No we NEVER talked about anything inappropriate EVER, I would not do that, people that do that disgust me, I also limited my contact with that person and he has since permanently relocated to another continent) My husband literally will not respond when I say things to him, he won't even throw our his own garbage, he leaves it all around the house!

He does those things because you allow it.

[20Seconds]

Then tell me why it's so uncommon for women to have affairs in places like Iran.

 

Bottom line... women have affairs because they face zero consequences... and in divorce situations they almost always benefit.

 

Interesting...so is your view all women are by nature adulterous (non-monogamous?) and to enforce fidelity you have to use the threat of punishment? What about men? Are they naturally non-monogamous too?

 

There is a difference between consequence and punishment.

 

There are always consequences for cheating on your spouse.

 

Affairs should be considered equal to physical abuse when filing for a divorce.

 

I'm not sure what you mean - adultery is obviously grounds for divorce as much as phsyical abuse would be?

 

What is different in a divorce that cites physical abuse than any other divorce?

 

 

Why do you think there should be punishment for adultery?

 

Islamic law prohibits both extramarital and premarital sex I believe, which is effectively saying the only sex that is permissible is sex within marriage. This is a religious belief and so I presume the punishment is for a religious transgression?

 

So that leaves adultery as a breach of contract or adultery as emotional abuse.

 

You could have a penalty (financial, say) for breaching the marriage contract, but I expect all that would happen as a result would be less people would get married. What would be a suitable penalty?

 

If you decided to punish adultery as emotional abuse wouldn't you have to include cheating in any circumstances? Just as much hurt is caused by cheating regardless of marital status.

 

I think the issue would be establishing whether or not emotional abuse had occured - supposing the BS didn;t care about the affair? Would you say the emotional abuse was severe enough to warrant punishment?

 

Back to the question of punishment as a deterrent - is adultery anti-social crime? Or is it a crime against an individual?

 

I mean, generally we support punishment as a deterrent for anti-social behaviour. For e.g. - using a mobile phone while driving. If I lose control of my car while on the phone, I might cause an accident and kill someone. I am not being punished for actually killing someone, I am being punished for doing something that could cause harm, and thus my behaviour is anti-social - I am a danger to society.

 

Adultery is probably not considered an anti-social crime therefore does not require punishment as a deterrent.

 

Sorry OP, that's all a bit off topic but it's an interesting debate!

[dreamingoftigers]

He does those things because you allow it.

 

This isn't a sarcastic question but what else do I do? Am I supposed to threaten divorce when I find more wrappers on the counter and kleenex on the floor. We've talked about it dozens of times over the years, he does not respect me enough to stop.