Need to make a choice

[LucreziaBorgia]

I need to become used to the fact that this is what I will be explaining to people for the rest of my life now. This affair can never be just something in my past.

 

You only need explain what you want to explain, and your past will stay that way for as long as you want it to.

 

Now, as far as your child you will need to consider what to say when there are questions, but as for everyone else: as we say around here, you can say "nunya - as in nunya business"

 

Take care of yourself and your little one.

[desertIslandCactus]

I got pregnant while I was switching birth control methods. Yes, should have been more careful but stupidly thought I was ''invincible''. Vision was a little bit blurred back then, as far as I saw it I was having some careless fun with someone I really liked. I can see a bit more clearly now that my bubble has been burts.

 

Karma is a bitch, huh?

 

I need to become used to the fact that this is what I will be explaining to people for the rest of my life now. This affair can never be just something in my past.

 

 

 

I don't think you will be explaining for the rest of your life. Women raise children all the time. Poster was out of line in ramblings not having to do with the thread.

[desertIslandCactus]

 

 

 

Thanks guys for the advice about my pregnancy. I know that this is SO not healthy and this is why I have so many bad symptoms. I'm trying to ger as much rest as possible but I am dealing with so much, schoolwork, work, moving and on top of it all the ******* exMM.

 

And then I become even sadder that this is all hurting the baby... which in turn hurts the baby. Vicious cycle

 

Moving: Even if your present roommate and others do not know of your forwarding address .. you can still be followed.

 

Not good to live alone .. I still think you should live in your family home for the next months.

 

Listen to those who speak of restraining order. Your are giving this man too much rope.

[porter218]

noelle, Do not be so down. This baby still may have a great life. You could meet a great guy who acts acts a dad and loves it as his own. And you can leave the affair in the past. You did get a little souvenir out of it but that doesn't color the rest of your life. Even with out a dad you and this baby could have great fun. Right now my kids have minimal involvement from their dad(my choice) and are as happy as can be. We travel and treat life as an adventure together, just the three of us. Absolutely no complaints from them and my son tells me all the time how he loves his life and is very happy:love:. Please don't worry so much, your life isn't over!!

[noelle303]

Moving: Even if your present roommate and others do not know of your forwarding address .. you can still be followed.

 

Not good to live alone .. I still think you should live in your family home for the next months.

 

Listen to those who speak of restraining order. Your are giving this man too much rope.

 

My parents' home is a little far from school and work for me. I grew up in the suburb outside of the city so I can't afford to waste time on the commute.

Plus I really want to avoid abusing my parents' generosity in all this. I'd feel so guilty. I mean... they've done their job, they've changed diapers, they've had their share of sleepless nights. I know they are happy to help out, babysit, give me advice, an extra hand when I need it etc. but I don't want to place all the hardships of having an infant on them and bring on such a change in their household. I haven't been living at home for over 2 years, they have their own life and things too.

 

noelle, Do not be so down. This baby still may have a great life. You could meet a great guy who acts acts a dad and loves it as his own. And you can leave the affair in the past. You did get a little souvenir out of it but that doesn't color the rest of your life. Even with out a dad you and this baby could have great fun. Right now my kids have minimal involvement from their dad(my choice) and are as happy as can be. We travel and treat life as an adventure together, just the three of us. Absolutely no complaints from them and my son tells me all the time how he loves his life and is very happy:love:. Please don't worry so much, your life isn't over!!

 

Aww, thank you. Thats really sweet... I hope I'll be that fortunate and that kind of parent.

[Ellin]

noelle, Do not be so down. This baby still may have a great life. You could meet a great guy who acts acts a dad and loves it as his own. And you can leave the affair in the past. You did get a little souvenir out of it but that doesn't color the rest of your life. Even with out a dad you and this baby could have great fun. Right now my kids have minimal involvement from their dad(my choice) and are as happy as can be. We travel and treat life as an adventure together, just the three of us. Absolutely no complaints from them and my son tells me all the time how he loves his life and is very happy:love:. Please don't worry so much, your life isn't over!!

 

Hi Porter, this is excellent post!!

 

We need to bring something positive into this gloom. Make the glass half full, not half empty. Concentrate on the bright side of things.

 

Noelle, I'm only going on about how the stress is affecting you and your baby because I want you to take steps to distance yourself from any danger and stress - so that you can relax and enjoy this very special time.

 

Porter is right, children can be very happy with one parent. They can be better off with one loving, dedicated parent than two vacuous ones.

 

My kids have limited contact with their father and he hasn't played a proper father role in their lives (and I understand your worries and dilemmas because I was there once, as he was abusive during our M), but the little ones are happy and full of life, they develop beautifully in every way and so will your tiny one.

 

She or he will have you and many other people to receive love and form relationships with. She/he will not be deprived of anything and at an appropriate age things will be explained and children are very resilient and adaptable.

 

If your child gets enough love, support and acceptance from you and your family members - and that's how it will be - he/she will be absolutely fine.

[porter218]

Hi Porter, this is excellent post!!

 

We need to bring something positive into this gloom. Make the glass half full, not half empty. Concentrate on the bright side of things.

 

Noelle, I'm only going on about how the stress is affecting you and your baby because I want you to take steps to distance yourself from any danger and stress - so that you can relax and enjoy this very special time.

 

Porter is right, children can be very happy with one parent. They can be better off with one loving, dedicated parent than two vacuous ones.

 

Thanks Ellin!! I think right now noelle should focus on positive things a bring this baby into the world safely. Having had a premature birth due to stress myself I don't want to see the same for noelle.

Noelle, disappear off of this mans radar quietly for now and do things that make you happy, whatever that may be. This is time for you to rethink whats important in your life because you need to have that figured out before your little one comes.

If you would like a quick glimpse into the life of single parenthood... here you go -> I just finished feeding the kids lunch and my son(5yrs) is now practicing riding his bike with the neighborhood kids while a couple nice neighbors keep eye on them. My daughter 1 1/2yrs old is down for her nap for the next hr or so while I sit on the deck and enjoy the breeze. Then we will all walk to the pool and lay in our floats and swim away this afternoon. Then I'll cook salmon on the grill at our pool while they play and enjoy a poolside dinner and take a walk around the duck pond. It's great having this kind of peace and enjoyment in our lives without having to worry about their father. You'll love parenthood, even as a single one. Just promise me you will talk to the family crisis center for safety advice.

[jthorne]

So here's how I see it. You should decide what you want. If you want financial support for your child, all roads lead to the W finding out. And ethically, she should know. It is unlikely a binding financial agreement can be placed without her knowing. Should he decide to sue you like he threatens, it is unlikely he can do so without his wife finding out. If he wants visitation, again, it's unlikely he could do so without his wife finding out.

 

So he's bluffing with the threats. And he knows this, so he is bullying so he doesn't have to tell his wife.

 

But his wife will find out eventually. And she will most likely hate you for not telling her. I imagine you don't care about that, but if the man you thought you were spending the rest of your life with impregnated another woman, wouldn't you want to know?

 

Regardless, if you wish to strap MM with a financial obligation for getting you pregnant and then being a jerk about it, why not come to an agreement? Agree to a lump sum financial settlement for a trust for the baby in exchange for a release of all parental rights.

 

That way, you both get what you say you want. He's off the hook, and you have your money.

Edited September 28, 2010 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[desertIslandCactus]

J, I don't know how a man in his thirtys is going to be able to come up with any kind of money without his W finding out.

 

Also, the reason he is pursuing Noelle and with threats - is because he doesn't want to pay a cent - or have his W find out.

 

A few LS posters have disagreed with Noelle's attorney about forfeiting support in return for getting him out of her life.. It seems to be the feeling that he could come back at another time and ask for visitation without paying previous support.

 

Giving up support may be worth it, if she could be free to raise her child - without his (and wife's) interference at another time.. But no guarantee?

[jthorne]

Well, you may be right about him not wanting to pay any money. I'm sure he'd like all of this to go away. I imagine he might even think she's having the baby either to spite him or to keep contact with him, which he's made obvious he's not interested.

 

So that's why I don't agree with him coming back for visitation. And if he does, the courts will pursue him for back (and future) child support. If he wants visitation, which I doubt very much, he will be required to pay support. In fact, he may not want visitation simply so he doesn't have to pay support. Perhaps this rubs our OP the wrong way.

 

The point I was trying to make is that if she pursues MM for child support his W will find out. MM seems to want to avoid that at all costs. Instead of the OP using that to her advantage, she seems determined to be complicit in the lie. She's protecting him over her child, which I find both suspicious and disturbing.

[jj33]

Very good point J. And in most states parental rights, once signed away cant be revisited. It cant stop the child from seeking him out but it can stop him coming back. I think the OP cant accept that he doesnt want the baby would most probably be HAPPY to sign away parental rights in exchange for no child support and some contractual stipulation that she never contact his wife or that his ID be kept from the child. Seems that would suit him down to the ground. All this drama about what he might do seems like a wild fantasy.

[noelle303]

Very good point J. And in most states parental rights, once signed away cant be revisited. It cant stop the child from seeking him out but it can stop him coming back. I think the OP cant accept that he doesnt want the baby would most probably be HAPPY to sign away parental rights in exchange for no child support and some contractual stipulation that she never contact his wife or that his ID be kept from the child. Seems that would suit him down to the ground. All this drama about what he might do seems like a wild fantasy.

 

I absolutley know this. You got me completely wrong. I know this would suit him the best.

However it means giving up my rights to child support, my baby never meeting its biological father, not having any reference to him, having ''unknown'' on its birth certificate. Do you have any idea how painful it is for me?

 

But if I go through with it, I will have to deal with this abusive ahole for the rest of my life.

Do you understand me a bit better now?

 

I know I laid my bed, but my baby didn't do any of my mistakes, and it's his or hers life my current decisions are affecting.

[carhill]

What do your parents suggest, assuming they have suggested a course of action wrt dealing with the baby's father? My apologies if I missed that discourse prior.

[desertIslandCactus]

Noelle, I think you are more than entitled to stop making references to make your bed.

 

You are allowing your baby Life, which is more than some would. And giving your baby the opportunity to be the happy child that he or she will be. And to allow others to bless this child - and the child to be a blessing as well..

 

I don't like the MM's attitude toward your baby and of aborting it. That could be good reason to not want his name on the birth certificate.

 

A tough call for you: to try for the partial support that you and the baby deserve, or to get him out of your life for now. .

[jj33]

I absolutley know this. You got me completely wrong. I know this would suit him the best.

However it means giving up my rights to child support, my baby never meeting its biological father, not having any reference to him, having ''unknown'' on its birth certificate. Do you have any idea how painful it is for me?

 

But if I go through with it, I will have to deal with this abusive ahole for the rest of my life.

Do you understand me a bit better now?

 

I know I laid my bed, but my baby didn't do any of my mistakes, and it's his or hers life my current decisions are affecting.

 

Noelle I undertand how painful it is for you but you cant MAKE someone be a part of your child's life. You cant force someone to want to be a parent. Being a parent isnt just biology.

 

You can force him to live up to his financial obligations, at the cost of the stress of his abusive behavior, the certainty that he will tie you up in court. And Im not saying you shouldnt, just saying that is the cost.

 

My sense from everything you are saying is that you are hanging in there not for the money, but for your child's connection to this man. Its biological only at this point and hes told you loud and clear he doesnt want it to be more.

 

If you have decided that you want him to pay financially or may need him to pay financiially in the future, that is one thing. Its natural to hope that this man changes his tune about wanting to be a part of the childs life but it seems very unlikely at this point and you are putting yourself through a lot of heartache hoping that this man will come forward with love for this child and while you can never say never, it seems very unlikely to ever happen. I can only imagine how disappointing that is to you, but that seems to be the reality of the situation.

[fooled once]

One last thing...

 

Child support and visitation are two TOTALLY separate things in the eyes of the court.

 

Again, in most states, unless there is someone willing to step up and adopt the child, a person cannot - CANNOT - have their parental rights terminated.

 

He will be ordered to pay child support - because that money is for the child (intended for the child). He can decide to pay support and never ever see his child.

 

Just because someone pays support does not mean they will choose to visit the child. Again, visitation is a right for the non-custodial parent; but they do NOT have to take it.

 

Additionally, many women/men give up their child for adoption to only decide a month; 3 months; 6 months later that they want their child back. It doesn't make them bad people. Just because he doesn't want this child NOW doesn't mean that once it is born, he will change his mind. Maybe he will; maybe he won't. My brother has 2 children he adopted. Both parents parental rights were terminated by the court ... and it wasn't because one person was mean to the other person. It was due to drugs/alcohol and abandonment of the child.

 

Heck, many times courts now give joint custody automatically. Courts are moving away from 'sole custody' (which is what I had with my son). One parent is granted physical custody; but decisions must be made together. Many couples who divorce with kids must go through mediation. This is who it is done in the states, which is where I believe Noelle lives.

 

Noelle, educate yourself on child custody issues. I have a friend whose ex doesn't pay child support; but the courts have granted him visitation. Of course the ex is ordered to pay child support; but he always claims he can't afford it (and his wages are garnished). My friend has gotten child support payments, through the state (who garnishes his paychecks) for ..... $.97 cents or $1.37. I have seen the checks she gets. It happens. But he has also been awarded visitation (he has limited visitation; but he has visitation).

 

Find out your state guidelines/laws on custody.

 

Additionally, if the MM and his wife have children; your child will be a sibling to their children. Your child may want to know their siblings later in life. You have a lot to think about, and you do not have to have answers right now. But, you have accepted the responsibility of being a parent and you will need to educate yourself and be the BEST mom you can be (not a perfect mom, because no one is perfect). But your needs are now take a back seat. Protect and love that baby. That should be your main focus now - and that includes when that baby is growing in your belly. I mean this nice, but time to grow up and start making smart, informed decision.

 

Good luck.

[noelle303]

For everyone who wanted to know the outcome of my ultrasound, the baby is a girl. It was wonderful seeing her, she's is perfectly healthy which is an imense relief considering what I've endured in the past months.

 

I was throwing up blood last week so my doctor order another check up next week but it's mostly likely stress and I was told to take it easy or I'll have to go on bedrest for the remainder of my pregnancy.

 

Seeing her was such a clarifying moment for me. I need to cut exMM out of our lives entirely. It makes me cry so much when I think about how she won't have a dad at all, and how he doesn't care one bit about her and there is nothing I can do about it.

But her safety and happiness is most important here.

 

So I'll be calling my lawyer, I'm not going for child support or any kind of paternity acknowledgement. He's off the hook completely and can continue living his ''happy'' little life. It's his cross to bear that he will never get to know her.

I will only want one thing from him and that is when she grows up and if she decides that she wants to find him to explain to her himself just why he wasn't around - because he is a spineless jerk!

 

All that I will be telling him tonight when I meet him. Wish me luck!

[Sham WOW]

For everyone who wanted to know the outcome of my ultrasound, the baby is a girl. It was wonderful seeing her, she's is perfectly healthy which is an imense relief considering what I've endured in the past months.

 

I was throwing up blood last week so my doctor order another check up next week but it's mostly likely stress and I was told to take it easy or I'll have to go on bedrest for the remainder of my pregnancy.

 

Seeing her was such a clarifying moment for me. I need to cut exMM out of our lives entirely. It makes me cry so much when I think about how she won't have a dad at all, and how he doesn't care one bit about her and there is nothing I can do about it.

But her safety and happiness is most important here.

 

So I'll be calling my lawyer, I'm not going for child support or any kind of paternity acknowledgement. He's off the hook completely and can continue living his ''happy'' little life. It's his cross to bear that he will never get to know her.

I will only want one thing from him and that is when she grows up and if she decides that she wants to find him to explain to her himself just why he wasn't around - because he is a spineless jerk!

 

All that I will be telling him tonight when I meet him. Wish me luck!

This is a good decision, the best (I think) that you can make for your baby girl now.

 

I am concerned about a meeting! Why put yourself at risk? Wouldn't a phone call do?

 

Please take care of yourself and your bebe.

[carhill]

Hon, have your lawyer send him a letter. Don't meet with him in person. There's no reason to.

 

Congrats on the ultrasound and knowing *it's a girl* New life is a wondrous thing.

[Mimolicious]

I said this from the very beginning of Noelle posting, this dude is a walking bomb and can snap any minute. Noelle, I don't think you see or really want to process how dangerous it may be for you to play around like this.

 

"Meet" him? WHY? If you really wanted to scratch your MM off, you would have already. You are picking positions here. If this dude turns violent on your (which he has even though you say he is not violent AT ALL ) but yet pushes and shoves you around... He can throw you to the ground and you can miscarry. Problem solved for him and a life time of heartache for you.

 

Please, think of your safety and the safety of your baby girl. You are putting yourself in harms way more than you seem to understand.

[noelle303]

Meet him???? If you're not a troll Noelle you're stupid. Read your own posts.... Stay away from him, for your physical and EMOTIONAL wellbeing.

 

 

Thanks for your input.

 

This is something I want to tell him in person.

He's not going to hurt me, I'm about to let him off the hook. He'll be happy.

 

My lawyer will also deliver a notice to him, basicly just to make sure he won't ever be able to say I didn't tell him if he decides to turn around in the future.

[carhill]

Fair warning from a man going through a divorce.....

 

A man who is married and has two children and cheats on his wife is pretty savvy, both about how the world works, how children are and how women are. He knows how a woman can manipulate with her words, even if, apparently, the words are what he wants to hear.

 

I'm just letting you know your generous offer to 'let him off the hook' can be interpreted by him in a number of ways. Myself, I'd want the legal docs to back up the words which, without them, are just carbon dioxide. That's what a divorce has taught me.

 

Hope it works out for you. I'd have the lawyer prepare the letter and hand it to him during your conversation, *and* have the lawyer send it to his business mailing address registered with return receipt. This is how my lawyer does everything. Paper trail.

 

Keep us posted. My instinct is the legs are long on this situation. Hug mom and dad

[Ellin]

It's a Girl!! Yay!

 

Good to hear she's well and healthy and it made you so happy to see her and you feel a little bit clearer about what you want to do.

 

Wish you all the best.

[Silly_Girl]

He still wants me to have an abortion despite the fact that I am 17 weeks pregnant and adamant to keep this baby, he can't accept that I am having it and during one particularly nasty fight he told me that if I don't have the abortion he will cut me open himself.

 

It's really nasty, I won't go into more details, I was pushed and shoved against a wall so hard that it knocked the breath out of me.

 

I try to talk to him rationally about this but he turns it into a huge fight every time.

 

..........

[BellaBellaBella]

Noelle,

 

I am so happy for you on the good news of your baby girl! Please keep us posted. Try and park where you are in clear view.

 

As for him signing his rights away, it may not be possible for it to be entirely legal until after the baby is born. They couldn't sign away the rights to my daughter until 24 hours after her birth. I am not sure where you are, but your lawyer will know when he can legally sign things away.

 

Bella