I told my ex Im not interested in being her fake friend.

[paleblue]

Kinda venting here. My advice to you guys trying to come to a decision when faced with an offer of friendship from your ex, is just say No. Don’t waste your time. And don’t settle for less than what you had. Period. 9 out of 10 times they are only doing it to make themselves feel better.

 

I have this ex gf I work with. We went out a few years, things ended about two years ago. I got ditched for another guy. Our communication has been back and forth. We talk, then we don’t. She now has another boyfriend she met two months ago that she is all in love with.

 

In the past two years she has told me numerous times she would really like to be friends. I have tried to be open to it. But there have been several instances where her behavior completely indicated she was not a friend. It seems like her version of friends is -When it was good for her. And then we can only talk about certain things, like nothing personal. Unless its ok with her. Now after all we went thru? does she really think Im ok with now only being good enough for ?? Shallow office talk??? I think not. I am so sick of her lies and crap I really don’t want to talk to her anymore.

 

About a month ago, we were having some meaningless conversation, when she told me she would not have told me she had a bf unless I asked. I thought to myself Wtf? Here I am telling You about my dates after you asked me what’s up. But you aren’t sharing your personal life with me? Because its personal? And by the way, I didn’t ask if she had a bf, she just told me. It just really annoyed me. To me, that is not friends. Friends to me means you can talk about whats going on in each others lives and its no big deal.

 

Then she went on to tell me she has been single for “years”. Ever since our break up. I am not sure why, but it further infuriated me. When I got ditched, she ditched me for some guy she had all lined up and Immediately started hanging out with him for about a year. When that didn’t work out, she became interested in me again. After a couple months of that none sense, She started dating some other guy. After 6 months, that ended. Now she is seeing yet another guy she met within a month or two of this last one. I feel like she is hijacking something, making it out to be like she has been lonely and struggling with hard times in love. When basically the whole time she has been with someone. I have been on a few dates here and there, but nothing like her. And I just don’t appreciate her saying she has been going thru something when she has not. And the worst part is I think she actually believes herself.

 

It all just infuriated me so badly I told her that she doesnt act like a real friend, and I am no longer interested in being her Fake friendship What So Ever!! I also said after all we went thru, and to be like this towards me is a real insult!!

 

I just cant shake this feeling that I am disrespecting myself somehow by allowing her to put me into some not good enough anymore category and to treat me like that. I was good enough? now I am not? but now someone else is?? I don’t think so. I don’t care if a 1,000 years goes by! I will not allow anyone to make me feel like that!

 

So anyways, its been a month since we have talked, but this time I am feeling pretty solid. I don’t feel that I am wrong. There will be no further communication as long as she has a boyfriend, and until such time as she can act respectful towards me. I already have it in my head nothing will change. In order for something to change, that would require effort on her part. Now she walks around looking snotty, like im wrong and she right. It is highly annoying.

 

I will say I am much happier feeling like this, than feeling like I am lowering myself beneath someone. That is the outcome of over two years of this crap. All I will say now is if I knew back then, what I know now, I would have cut off contact from DAY 1. I respect people who have the balls to cut it off at day 1.

[quankanne]

sometimes you've got to experience that crappy behavior awhile before it clicks that you're better than that. And I'm glad you finally got to that point, because IMO, her offer of "friendship" was to stoke HER ego, not actually be a friend to you!

[Username37]

Friendship with a ex....so selfish...so painful.

 

Good for you for saying that.

[MrDestiny]

Kinda venting here. My advice to you guys trying to come to a decision when faced with an offer of friendship from your ex, is just say No. Don’t waste your time. And don’t settle for less than what you had. Period. 9 out of 10 times they are only doing it to make themselves feel better...

 

...I will say I am much happier feeling like this, than feeling like I am lowering myself beneath someone. That is the outcome of over two years of this crap. All I will say now is if I knew back then, what I know now, I would have cut off contact from DAY 1. I respect people who have the balls to cut it off at day 1.

 

PB, I agree with your anlaysis. And you definitely should have started no contact much sooner with this girl.

 

I also think you're right about her doing it to make herself feel better and maybe even to make you feel worse.

 

I went though a "Can we still be friends?" experience with my ex, but not over such a long time. We broke up for good in April and based on her supposed desire to remain friends, I tried to stay in touch with her. Not long after our breakup I called her when I was sure that she would be home and she didn't answer. I left a message asking for some info in hopes that would give her a good excuse to call me back soon. Instead she called my house when she knew damn well that I would be at work and left me an impersonal message anwsering my question. I felt like a"fake friend" too and I was left wondering why is she being so impersonal after she said she wanted to be friends.

 

Well, I'm sure the reason was that she was hard at work auditioning new potential boyfriends that she met on match.com (I saw her profile there just days after our breakup). So I reluctantly initiated NC but I missed talking with her. As I explained in another thread, she turned out to be quite a gold digger. She eventually met, dated, got engaged to and then married a man 15 years older than herself, all in a matter of 2 months.

 

I followed the story of her whirlwind "romance" through a mutial friend, but I stuck with NC. Then one day after she got engaged she called me out of the blue under a silly pretext. I think she really wanted to let me know that she was getting married. I already knew that, but I played dumb. She sweet-talked me (using terms like "sweetie" and "honey") and told me that she was so sorry that we had not been in touch and she wanted me to come over for dinner sometime and blah, blah blah. I didn't want to be mean to her because I still had feelings for her, so I let her get by with the sweet talk.

 

A couple days later I decided that I didn't like her bull**** and so I resolved to go back to NC, which I did. After she got married she showed up with her new sugar daddy at a big event that I was part of and she saw me there and sent me two text messages, the gist of which was "I'm here and I see you." I thought to myself, "Frankly my darling, I don't give a damn" and I didn't respond.

 

The next day I got my revenge, though the beauty of it was that I didn't have to do anything to get it. She called me at work, at home and then on my cell and left me the same message. She needed to know the administrative password for the laptop computer that I had given her, because her new sugar daddy was trying to sign up for and have the laptop configured to use a cellular data service. The two lovebirds were leaving on a long road trip and they wanted to be able to access the Internet along the way. The processs required putting in the adminstrative password, which I had forgotten to ever give her because she knew very little about computers. (There is a relatively easy way to work around the problem, but it requires having a system disk and she probably lost the one that I had given her.)

 

I decided, "no way" and I didn't return her calls. She had treated me like a fake friend until she needed some important information from me and all of sudden it was "honey" and "sweetie" again. It was a fortunate circumstance for me. I didn't have to do anything except not call her back. Thus I let her know that I didn't like being a fake friend. It's been NC since and I don't expect to hear from her again. The pain from the breakup and her quick marriage afterwards still hurts. But at least I was able to let her know, without having to say or do anything, that I didn't like the way she treated me after the breakup.

Edited September 25, 2010 by MrDestiny

[HoldingPatterns]

What we learn about our exs before and after we date them...

Before the world is alive with love. I heard evil rumors about her I ignored them. My ex was a succubus. She charmed me, bought me gifts, Wanted sex all the time, and was pure evil!

 

During the relationship she was sweet, sensitive, and kind. Sounds like she became me. As soon as "Bigger Better Things" came along she was cold, distant, and setting appointments for sex.

 

After the "break" she was dating and planning a future with someone from her past. Was it going on the whole time... Anyways after the break-up a truly evil and emotionally depraved thing came from her remains.

 

She was fake. Superficial, She became everything I hate. Maybe she was always that way and the relationship was an act. An act that was too hard to keep up. Her friend attempts: guilt, ego, and sick twisted revenge for loving her.

 

She isn't your average 21 year old, because I saw something truly dirty and unpure emerge after the break-up. She's smart as fu*k, she knew exactly what she was doing and she enjoyed it.

[paleblue]

Thanks Quankanne. Me too. You are wise. I had to go thru it and deal with the crappy behavior for quite awhile before I recognized. I don’t know what I was thinking. Wish it clicked sooner. But I guess things happen in their own time. Now, Im just appalled. As in How Dare You Treat Me Like That Who Do You Think You Are????

 

Mr Destiny try not to let her actions weigh on you. 2 months after your break up and she is already engaged and then married? to a sugar daddy? 15 years older? Who in their right mind does that? She obviously has a sick mind with grandiose delusions. She also sounds manipulative and deceptive. You my friend dodged a bullet it sounds like. I think this is confirmed by the fact that you put in a genuine effort to be friends and she just tried to use you. NC here is surely the healthier alternative. In this case I would say forever would be good. I am now of the opinion that only in very rare circumstances does it ever work out being friends with an ex. And if a dumper is genuinely interested in being your friend, they will certainly treat you with the upmost respect (at the very least). Not lie and just want ego boosts out of you. I just don’t see how situations like yours and mine can ever be rectified. I will never bend my will to her again.

 

Thanks Username37. I do feel pretty good for saying that. I have seen her around the office a couple times already. She look’s, I just look the other way. As in “Not Interested”. I am just so disgusted now. I won’t be mean, or try to make her look like a bad person. I have no desire to do that. All I want too do is just move on with my life and be left alone in peace from her. I don’t want to listen to her walking by and make noise or acting up. I just have zero desire anymore to make any effort when it comes to her.

 

Holding Patterns – Thanks for sharing. Sounds like a familiar pattern I suspect yours has always been like that. As good as someone is at manipulating, its only a matter of time before someones true colors come out. Even if it takes awhile. And in the end where does it get them?? No where fast.

[fabio10]

BE CAREFUL ..... I notice you wrote ' I will have no contact with her while she has a boyfriend' never have contact with her again she is poison from what I am reading. Not to judge all women but lots of them think they are right 100% of the time and their friends will back up their view thus they convince themselfs, now that does not apply to all women but some are pro's at it.

 

And even if she deep down knows she is in the wrong she aint going to admit it to you, forget her bro whoaaaaa she sounds evil

[paleblue]

Good point Fabio. I may not be able to avoid her completely, but what I can do is make sure I never allow myself to get caught up in it again. I just have to be the better person. Redemption through restraint. Even if the girl suddenly became single, I have no desire to go after her. All I can think is her being with someone else and I am now disgusted.

 

No, not all of them. But I know what you mean. I have run into my fair share that think they know it all. Which includes her. It can be highly annoying. And I would rather not subject myself to that kind of single mindedness anymore. And you are right, even IF she acknowledges within herself wrong, she never will admit it. Its pathetic is what it is.

[smk]

PB - good on you for finally doing what you did. I did the same thing except mine was about 2 months after the break and it made my healing a little bit easier. Sure we miss em but then when you see them for what they have become or what we chose to ignore whilst we were with them it makes things easier...

 

I have no ill feelings towards my ex, sure things were said, lies may have been told, and she has become someone totally different, but the pretence of friendship is a load of BS. They use it to make their guilt feel easier...

 

I have learnt that you can only truly be friends with an ex when both you have moved on and are genuinely happy and in love with other people until that point someone is bound to get hurt...

 

Keep it up buddy and good for you...

[TheUnthoughtKnown]

PB, cheers for this! I needed to hear that and I've bookmarked what you said so I can read it next time I lapse! I go through a period every now and again where I figure being friends with my ex must surely be less painful than this NC bullsh*t, but then I remember how much of a bitch she was to me, and how she asked to be friends after we'd finished and I said no because the way she said it, taking charge and assuming she was "the mature one" because she was trying to make the peace.

 

I've racked my mind since that day and wondered if I should have accepted her offer of friendship, since we were best friends for 3 years before we hooked up. But stories like yours now has me thinking I may have made the right choice in cutting her off completely. I'll keep reading that whenever I decide I might want to break NC!