He's planning to leave her...

[TRaczaj]

Ok, I'm in a hurry so I'll make this quick.

 

My best friend is planning on leaving his long term girlfriend (together over 5 years.) A mutual friend of ours told me this and then I hear my freind on the phone with his shrink talking about it.

 

Those of you who've read my threads probably remember that I've been in love with her for years. I don't plan on prusuing anything after he leaves her... because I don't want to be her rebound guy. IF her and I get together I want it to be for real.

 

I don't know why he's leaving her. He did just have a nervouse breakdown. (HE spend three weeks in the hospital, actually.) I think him leaving her is a result of that. Maybe he feels like he's just not mentally stable enough to be in a relationship anymore. I know he still lvoes her... and she still loves him.

 

We all live in the same house. I know she's going to be devastated by this...

 

So I guess I just want tome thoughts/advice on how I should handle whats about to happen. Is there anything I should do? ANd also, is there anything I shouldn't do?

 

Thanks in advance... and sorry for the bad typing... Spellchack isn't working, lol.

[GorillaTheater]

Convenient situation for you, eh? I know you're probably dying to jump into the breach, but be a gentleman and wait a bit, okay? Be there for both of them as a friend with as few ulterior motives as you can manage.

 

You don't want to be a rebound guy, anyways.

[whichwayisup]

Be there for your bestfriend. HIM. Not her.

 

Until he directly speaks to you about this, I would put it out of your head. For all you know, he may change his mind.

 

And I do believe, that he is in a bad place right now, he loves her ALOT, and enough to know that right now he needs to get healthy again. Just because they may break up (temporarily) doesn't mean that you swoop in and hope she relies on you...Don't be that guy.

 

Also, she may be hurt, but understanding and want to take a break while he fixes himself. This came out of the blue, and you do know they love eachother so again, I think this isn't a perminate break up.

[Iconoclast]

Right now, he needs you more than you need her or she needs you. Be a little noble here. You won't regret it. Here's the punchline....doing the right thing makes you more attractive anyway. Can't lose.

[TRaczaj]

Be there for your bestfriend. HIM. Not her.

 

Until he directly speaks to you about this, I would put it out of your head. For all you know, he may change his mind.

 

And I do believe, that he is in a bad place right now, he loves her ALOT, and enough to know that right now he needs to get healthy again. Just because they may break up (temporarily) doesn't mean that you swoop in and hope she relies on you...Don't be that guy.

 

Also, she may be hurt, but understanding and want to take a break while he fixes himself. This came out of the blue, and you do know they love eachother so again, I think this isn't a perminate break up.

 

I thought that too, actually. It's obvious they love each other. When I heard him on the phone with his shrink and he was talking about leaving her, he didn't sound happy about it. He sounded like he was planning this because it has to be done, not because he wants to.

 

My biggest concern is us all being in the same house. I can almost bet one of them will move out. And I'm hoping it will be her. Yes I'll miss her being here and seeing her every day. But if he leaves and her and I are here alone together... I won't sit here and say I wouldn't be tempted to mess around with her. I'm human. But just because I would be tempted doesn't mean anything would happen. I just would rather not deal with that if I don't have to.

 

And, he is more likely to get over this in a familiar environment. A change of scenery would just stress him out more.

 

I'm so conflicted about everything. I'm worried about him, but at the same time I'm so attached to her. I don't have any plans of taking advantage of this situation. I hope people reading this understand that.

[TRaczaj]

Right now, he needs you more than you need her or she needs you. Be a little noble here. You won't regret it. Here's the punchline....doing the right thing makes you more attractive anyway. Can't lose.

 

How am I not being noble?

[Iconoclast]

How am I not being noble?

 

Sorry. Not saying you are not. Was intended as encouragement.

[TRaczaj]

Well... it happened. Yesterday he packed up a bunch of his stuff and moved out. He's staying with a friend of ours right now.

 

She (I think) is still in shock. He did this yesterday when she was at work and I was at my sister's house. Her and I got home at around the same time, and she was standing in the kitchen and told me he was gone and a bunch of his stuff was gone. She tried to call him while I was standing there and his phone went straight to voicemail.

 

This morning I tried to call him... same thing. I did send him a text saying I hope he's doing alright. No reply.

 

LAst night she was acting numb. This morning she was in the kitchen doing dishes and I think she was crying but trying to hide it.

 

So... he's gone, she's here... with me. And technically her and I are both single. I really need to be strong and resist making any kind of move on her. Last night I gave her a hug and I was really careful not to hold on to her too long.

 

I know this is most likely temporary. But I won't lie... part of my hope not.

[Cuchara2]

You'd go after your best friend's ex? Seriously? Get some respect and manners, especially if it's 5 years and especially if he has enough problems to need a shrink. There are some things I think you just do not do, and this is one of them..

[whichwayisup]

Why did he move out? It seems he should have asked her to leave. Did you move in with him first? He's your roommate, then she moved in? Who's name is on the lease?

 

Don't get attached to her and don't be that shoulder. If anything, you should be your guy friends shoulder since HE is the one who is suffering from depression and needs your support. This girl has female friends she can rely on. Not you. Its' just very inappropriate.

[woinlove]

So what is going on with your friend? Do you think he didn't return your call because he is in such bad shape? Or because there is some rift between you? Or he is doing fine and doesn't actually need his "best friend" now?

 

Something isn't right with this picture and I hope your friend is in better shape than one might imagine right now. I'd spend less time hugging and worrying about his girlfriend right now, and more time trying to determine how my best friend was doing if I were in your situation.

[carhill]

Backstory

 

My quick read is you seem to put others before yourself. Taking this guy 'under your wing'. Swallowing your crush on the girl. Not being aggressive about your attraction once you knew she was single (in the past).

 

I've been afflicted with this disease. It's a good recipe for spending a lot of time alone.

 

If you're emotionally attached to her, you're never going to be a good candidate to be a healthy boyfriend to any other woman. You have a decision to make. They're broken up. You either act on your feelings or leave, break the lease, whatever and get over her so you can love someone else who loves you back. Your decision. How many more years do you want this to go on? Some other guy will not care about the circumstances. He'll just swoop in, like your friend did many years ago, and take what he wants. Your friend didn't care that you had a crush on the lady, now did he? He was probably completely oblivious to it because, ta da, he *doesn't care*. This is how men are. It's brutal. It's barbaric. It's reality. They *take* what they want and if you're in the way, they shove you out of the way.

 

Good luck with your choice

[TRaczaj]

You'd go after your best friend's ex? Seriously? Get some respect and manners, especially if it's 5 years and especially if he has enough problems to need a shrink. There are some things I think you just do not do, and this is one of them..

 

It's not quite that black and white. I've had feelings for her for a long time... and I had a chance a long time ago to act on them, and like an idiot, I didn't take it.

 

I know none of that makes this right.

[TRaczaj]

Why did he move out? It seems he should have asked her to leave. Did you move in with him first? He's your roommate, then she moved in? Who's name is on the lease?

 

Don't get attached to her and don't be that shoulder. If anything, you should be your guy friends shoulder since HE is the one who is suffering from depression and needs your support. This girl has female friends she can rely on. Not you. Its' just very inappropriate.

 

I don't really understand his choice to move out either. But I also understand that he's not exactly thinking clearly either. He just had a nervous breakdown... Yes, him and I lived together first. As of now all three of our names are on the lease.

 

I was only her "shoulder" last night. It was 2am when we discovered he left. WHo else was she going to call at 2am? Today she's actually with a female friend. She called off work and her and her friend went for a drive.

[TRaczaj]

So what is going on with your friend? Do you think he didn't return your call because he is in such bad shape? Or because there is some rift between you? Or he is doing fine and doesn't actually need his "best friend" now?

 

Something isn't right with this picture and I hope your friend is in better shape than one might imagine right now. I'd spend less time hugging and worrying about his girlfriend right now, and more time trying to determine how my best friend was doing if I were in your situation.

 

My friend spent a few weeks in the Psych ward after having a nervouse breakdown. I honestly think he didn't return my call because he is distancing himself from everyone right now. He has been doing this lately... avoiding his friends and being anti social. He wants to be alone all the time and all he does is sleep.

 

I only hugged her one time, last night, and I already know I shouldn't have done it.

[whichwayisup]

Their relationship is far from over, you do know that right? He broke up with her because he is in an awful place right now and can't handle being in a relationship. It didn't end because it wasn't working out, or they fell out of love. Remember that! If he hadn't had a break down, they would still be boyfriend/girlfriend.

 

Anyway, I suggest you tell her to go stay with a friend for afew days and make it clear to her that your first priority is to help HIM through this rough patch. Your loyality has to be for him, not her. If you become "that" guy who she reaches out, your friend will never forgive you if something does happen.. Then, you'll lose both of them and as well as your own self respect.

[TRaczaj]

Backstory

 

My quick read is you seem to put others before yourself. Taking this guy 'under your wing'. Swallowing your crush on the girl. Not being aggressive about your attraction once you knew she was single (in the past).

 

I've been afflicted with this disease. It's a good recipe for spending a lot of time alone.

 

If you're emotionally attached to her, you're never going to be a good candidate to be a healthy boyfriend to any other woman. You have a decision to make. They're broken up. You either act on your feelings or leave, break the lease, whatever and get over her so you can love someone else who loves you back. Your decision. How many more years do you want this to go on? Some other guy will not care about the circumstances. He'll just swoop in, like your friend did many years ago, and take what he wants. Your friend didn't care that you had a crush on the lady, now did he? He was probably completely oblivious to it because, ta da, he *doesn't care*. This is how men are. It's brutal. It's barbaric. It's reality. They *take* what they want and if you're in the way, they shove you out of the way.

 

Good luck with your choice

 

You're not the first to tell me this... My sister just said something about it the other night, in fact. She told me I'm always the one my friends call when they need a favor... and I'm always the one my boss runs to when he needs someone to work overtime, she even pointed out that when we were kids, I was the one my parents gave the crappy chores to because I never argued with them about it.

 

I guess I do have a decision to make... I've blown two chances to be with her in the passed. And the universe was still kind enough to give me another chance. Maybe she is who I'm supposed to be with, and that's why the opportunity keeps presenting itself.

 

I know you said either act on my feelings or leave so I can find someone else. I honestly don't click with that many people... My sense of humor attracts women to me, but once the novelty with that wares off, they are usually not impressed. Everyone always expects me to just be the funny guy and nothing else. She is different. She's one of the few people outside of my family that I can actually have a serious conversations with and be taken seriously. I still joke around with her, but she doesn't just expect that and nothing else.

 

So... I can either go out looking for someone else I click with... or I can try to pursue this woman I already click with... and have for years.

[whichwayisup]

You're not getting it. STOP thinking of her right now and worry more about your bestfriend. The timing is SO WRONG right now .. And, it isn't a sign for you to finally "have" her for yourself.

 

Hope this makes sense to you. And, again. They didn't break up due to fighting, or falling out of love. He broke up with her because HE cannot handle being in a relationship, he has nothing to give to her, he's in rough shape. Their relationship is on hold. Remember that, k.

[carhill]

Here's how it will go down.... your good-looking, emotionally disturbed European friend will overcome his foibles, proclaim his love for the young maiden with whom you've had consensual sex with in his presence and they will move back to Europe without care or concern and leave your 'love' and 'friendship' in the gutter and you with a landlord looking for all the rent to come out of your pocket.

 

I hope that scrapes more than half the car....

 

Casual readers really need to read the backstory link I provided, if not already done. It really is pivotal to the here and now, IMO.

[Cuchara2]

I guess after reading more about you, I was wrong. Life gave you lemons and you accepted it. Go out there and squeeze that bitch we call life until it hands you oranges on a platter.

 

Do what you have to do if you think it will make you happy. It doesn't matter what others think of you, it's what you feel that counts at the end of the day.

Edited October 3, 2010 by Cuchara2

[TRaczaj]

You're not getting it. STOP thinking of her right now and worry more about your bestfriend. The timing is SO WRONG right now .. And, it isn't a sign for you to finally "have" her for yourself.

 

Hope this makes sense to you. And, again. They didn't break up due to fighting, or falling out of love. He broke up with her because HE cannot handle being in a relationship, he has nothing to give to her, he's in rough shape. Their relationship is on hold. Remember that, k.

 

I tried to call my friend again and he still didn't answer. I had to go out and do a few things... I stopped over at the house where he's staying and he was asleep. He didn't come out of the nedroom the whole time I was there. I stayed about an hour.

[TRaczaj]

Here's how it will go down.... your good-looking, emotionally disturbed European friend will overcome his foibles, proclaim his love for the young maiden with whom you've had consensual sex with in his presence and they will move back to Europe without care or concern and leave your 'love' and 'friendship' in the gutter and you with a landlord looking for all the rent to come out of your pocket.

 

I hope that scrapes more than half the car....

 

Casual readers really need to read the backstory link I provided, if not already done. It really is pivotal to the here and now, IMO.

 

Let's hope not...

 

I was thinking about this earlier... If I decide to act on this I'm not exactly sure how to go about it. I guess just wait till it feels right.

[TRaczaj]

I guess after reading more about you, I was wrong. Life gave you lemons and you accepted it. Go out there and squeeze that bitch we call life until it hands you oranges on a platter.

 

Do what you have to do if you think it will make you happy. It doesn't matter what others think of you, it's what you feel that counts at the end of the day.

 

 

This made me laugh, thank you.

 

I really do want to tell her exactly how I feel... I think she has an idea but I don't think she knows the depth of it.

[whichwayisup]

I tried to call my friend again and he still didn't answer. I had to go out and do a few things... I stopped over at the house where he's staying and he was asleep. He didn't come out of the nedroom the whole time I was there. I stayed about an hour.

 

It's good you went. Keep going, even if he doesn't come out of the bedroom. That support is what he needs right now. Hopefully tomorrow he'll talk to you. Make afew meals, a big bowl of fresh fruit and bring it over to where he is staying.

 

Let's hope not...

 

I was thinking about this earlier... If I decide to act on this I'm not exactly sure how to go about it. I guess just wait till it feels right.

 

DO NOT CONSIDER THIS at all. Even if it feels right. She is off limits.

 

Do you understand that they are "on a break"? He loves her, she loves him.

[whichwayisup]

I don't think she knows the depth of it.

 

Because you two are coming from two different places and spaces. Her frame of mind is her boyfriend who broke up with her because he's had a breakdown. SHe isn't thinking of you in that light, lusting after you, thinking 'oh good, the boyfriends gone and now I can jump you!' Sorry to put it that way, but you need to get yourself OUT of the frame of mind you're in. It's like you're 'waiting' to make the "the move" on her.. Tomorrow, next week? Atleast that's what it feels like you're doing from what I've read.

 

Don't be that guy, k. And, whatever you do, do NOT get in the way of them if they work it out, or if she wants to go see him. Stay out of it and don't discourage her from going to see him.