Incredibly screwed up right now.

[NeverLetMeDownAgain]

I haven't been here or posted for a long, long time. But my situation is to the point where I'm near to the brink of the cliff. Please bear with me - I know it's long.

 

I was involved in a long-distance situation with a guy (honestly my best friend) for nearly 5 years (my previous posts have some information about it), but for myriad reasons, it hasn't worked out. I'm not over him - that's the first important fact. As recently as this week, we've had conflict regarding us, where we stand, how we relate, all of that. It's a situation where he's halfway across the world, so that whole thing is never going to work out. I admit that I'm in love with him. That's the second important fact.

 

Since I know that this will never work out between us, I've been doing my best to try and move on from things. I've been trying to date, but my heart isn't in it. Third important fact here - I have both social anxiety and depression (diagnosed), so any contact I make with people is a huge, frightening step for me to take. Fourth important fact - I'm overweight, so I don't get a lot of interest from people, naturally. This last fact doesn't bother me that much, because I'd rather find a partner that wasn't judgmental about it and accepts me for what I AM rather than what I look like. Still, it narrows down the dating pool by quite a bit.

 

I don't have any friends or any kind of a support network. I have a therapist, but my situation is so screwed up that it'll take years to get through any of what I have to talk about. The depression also drives people away, because they mistakenly believe that depression = psycho screaming bitch from hell. Not so, if anything, I try desperately to hide it from people because I'm so ashamed I have it.

 

Recently, I met a guy that I thought I could like, but it ended up as pretty much a one-night stand, hurting me yet again. I keep coming back to the guy that I'm really in love with, and knowing that it's impossible for things to work out, and I just feel like everything is hopeless. I haven't been able to stop crying over this. I can't even talk to the person I love because every time we try to talk this through, we end up fighting and hurting each other even more.

 

I'm trying really hard to keep my chin up, but it's so hard when I try and fail. I really liked this guy I'd met, but a one-night stand just wasn't what I wanted, and it ended up making me feel so much worse about myself. It makes me just think that I'll never, ever try again to reach out to other people - the hurt isn't worth it.

 

I know that I can get over this thing with the LDR guy, if I just meet the right person. We've been drifting apart for the last year and a half, and if I met someone here at home (hell, I'd settle just for in the same country at this point), our contact would pretty much shrink to nothing. But right now I have nothing going, with no prospects, and my mind just keeps coming back to "why has this cosmic joke happened, if I were in his country we'd be together and good by now", etc. I will always love him, there's no doubt about that - but it's not a situation where I can't move on. I can - if someone will give me the chance to prove it.

 

Yes, I have bad qualities like the weight and the depression... but I have so much to offer the right person, I know I do. I'm not overbearing or possessive, I'm not jealous, I like getting out and doing different things. I like to think I'm intelligent, can hold a decent conversation about anything, I have a whacked-out sense of humor, etc. I could go on and on about my good qualities. But it doesn't seem to do much good.

 

If I had a support network, it would be so much easier for me to try and deal with this, but I'm all alone, literally. My family is toxic (and a good deal of the reasons why I have mental illness), and my friends are distant BECAUSE of the illness. I am so isolated and sad.

 

Please forgive the verbal vomit. I just don't have anyone to talk to about this, and opinions from people who aren't close to this situation may help me regain my perspective and figure out just what the hell I'm going to do. Right now it's not a far cry to say that I feel like I'm dying inside.

 

Any advice is appreciated. Thanks for reading, if you've gotten this far.

Edited September 25, 2010 by NeverLetMeDownAgain
Added more information.