If you really try, is it possible to fall back in love after the feeling is gone?

[imasurvivor]

I've been married to a good man for 10 years and we've been together for 14, since I was in my early twenties. We have had our share of problems over the years. While he has never been physically abusive, we have gone through many periods of time where he was verbally abusive and basically emotionally unavailable. He has a low sex drive and our physical bond has been lacking for as long as we've been together. I thought it was something I could live with. We've had good times as well and I do love him - I am just not "in love" with him anymore. I'm not saying I'm an angel, I contributed my share to our problems. We went to marital counseling for years and did not seem to be able to fix our problems.

 

To make a long story short, about 6 months ago I fell vulnerable to an affair with a married man. I fell, hook, line and sinker for this guy. He made lifetime promises to me and we both were planning our divorces to be together. Last month I got my heart broken when he left his wife for 2 days to be with me and then went back and broke it off with me for good. His wife knows about the affair, my husband does not. I am completely destroyed. I've never been in such a deep depression. I feel tremendous guilt for what I've done even though I truly did love this man. My husband begged me to call off the divorce and I did. I'm ashamed to say that I was too devastated to face both losses at the same time so I agreed to try to work things out with my husband. I am not telling him about the affair because it would devastate him. We have 2 beautiful daughers (ages 1 and 3) together and he is a wonderful father.

 

We are going to get into marital counseling again to see if we can work it out. He is really trying hard to treat me with respect and make me happy and I'm trying to get the feelings back for him. Is this possible? Once you fall out of love with someone, is it really possible to get back what you had in the beginning?

 

I do care for him greatly as we have a lot of history together and share children. Is it unrealistic to think we might be able to be really fulfilled and happy?

[moimeme]

The folks at Marriage Builders <URL removed> say that love can be rekindled if both people work at it. I tried to rekindle a dead affection in my last relationship, but I was the only one doing the work and it didn't succeed, however it sounds as though your husband is willing to work with you, so there is hope.

[supermom]

Has the MM's wife contacted you? Are you worried she will contact your husband? If you think there is a possiblility, maybe it would be better if he heard it from you.

 

Good luck and God Bless

[mandrews1119]

What a story!! I wish you the very best of luck and hope as you rebuild your marriage. I believe true love never dies, sometimes it takes a vacation. As moimeme has said, if both people work at it, it stands a much better chance of working, and I believe you guys are headed in the right direction.

[imasurvivor]

Supermom,

I called the wife myself to make sure we were both dealing with all of the facts when we were found out. She was most cordial (surprisingly) and I really doubt she would ever contact my husband although there is always that chance as well as him hearing it from someone else. I know it probably sounds like I am not telling him for my own selfish reasons, but I really do think it would destroy him. I don't think he could handle it.

[Arabess]

Maybe you could write it all down in a letter as to how you feel about your marriage now and why you didn't tell him about the affair. Mail it to yourself at some other post office site....so it's date stamped. Then, don't open it.

 

If he ever hears about the affair, then you can give the unopened, date stamped letter to him. He will at least know WHY you didn't tell him, rather than thinking you are just making up lame excuses because he found out. He will also be able to read how serious you are about trying again and making the marriage work.

 

It's not the same....but might help him to forgive you later. I agree....telling him while you are trying to patch up the relationship could be tricky timing.

 

Will you ever love him the same way again? Probably not. BUT, you can love him in a new way which incorporates how much you appreciate and need him in your life.

 

Good Luck!

[mandrews1119]

Arabess,

I have had the occasion to read and follow some of your posts. You are a knowing and caring soul, bless you.!

Your comment about loving in a NEW way is something all of the people trying to understand how to move forward in love need to try to acknowledge. Often folks are too caught up in "can I love this person again?" - and never realize it has to be a new love in a new way. Thanks for the gem.

[imasurvivor]

Great Advice Arabess, thank you, I will do that.