After 17 months of No Contact following a 5 year affair, I've regressed.

[KismetGirl]

Lamentably, I was hoping to not be writing this posting.

 

I did really well for a long time. After 5 years of an off-and--on again affair with my MM, who admittadly I fell deeply in love with, we broke things off about a year and a half ago following another incident of his wife catching him in a lie, and for nearly 17 months or so, I was able to keep no contact.For anyone here familiar with my story....you'd know that is an amazing feat. The only time I spoke to him was a handful of times on the phone/email regarding work things. Otherwise I hadn't seen him in person in a long time.

 

Do you know how hard it was to not see someone you're madly in love with for 17 months, when you know that they drive by your apartment every week to go to one of their offices two blocks away? You have no idea.I had convinced myself that since he hadn't contact me, that he'd forgotten about me, probably never cared, etc etc. But I was doin' good, ya know. I really was. I was devastated, but it got easier over time, and I still thought about him fairly often, but I wasn't crying every day and it wasnt EVERY day that I thought about him. I'd even started dating again, and even quite became fond of one or two new boys.

 

And then, wouldn't you know it....the most random thing in the world happens. Without getting into identifying details, there was a significant, very strange, unexpected occurrence in my neighborhood in which there was significant damage and chaos, accidents, people gridlocked in traffic and stuck in the same spot for over 4 hours without moving for miles and miles. I literally had to drive backwards the wrong way down a one way street just to try to get home for over a mile.

 

I did finally get home, but other people were not so lucky, and I was sitting outside my home watching these people sitting in the same spot with their cars for hours, unable to get out or go anywhere. All of a sudden at 11 pm in the evening I get a text message....look down and my heart stops.

 

It is MM. It is the first time he has made first contact with me in 17 months. I trepidatiously read it. "Hi stranger," it says, "Your neighborhood is pretty wrecked...are you ok?".

 

Didn't know what to say. Why would he ask me this? Do you know what it's like to think that someone you love just forgot about you, thinking YOU are the one that still occasionally thinks about them...and then to see that they've immediately thought of you in such a situation?

 

I sat and stared at that text message for a good 30 minutes, contemplating what to say. I assumed that the only way he knew how chaotic the devastation had become was that he must be at his office a couple of blocks away, stuck here like everyone else that was stranded, and had thought of me nearby. It eventually turned out that he had parked in the area earlier in the day, and come back to get his car and saw that he was stranded. I ended up cautiously responding with a simple "I'm ok, thanks", but couldnt help myself and also asked if he was stuck at his office. He ends up walking over to where I live to "say hello", because his car was trapped behind a fallen tree and he had no way to get home and was trying to wait out some help. I figured I was safe because my sister was at my house, so nothing could happen. I'd meet him downstairs. He wouldn't come up, because she was there anyway.

 

My heart, guys, I gotta tell you, I thought it woudl fall out of my chest seeing him again. I walked through the front door and his eyes and smile lit up like he'd just won the lottery. He nervously sat next to me like a bloody high school boy with a crush. I stared straight ahead while trying to act normal, asking how he was, making small talk. The whole while, out of the corner of my eye, I see him just STARING at me as if....I don't know. As if, just like he used to look at me, as if he thought I was the most gorgeous woman he'd ever seen. And admittedly, he still looks damn good. Apparently the mutual attraction has not regressed at all.

 

He makes a joke: "Did you miss me?"

 

I said "I am not answering that question... you'd like to know wouldn't you"

 

He looks off into the distance at all the cars and people on the street in traffic and then looks down at his hands all nervous before looking up at me and saying, "well...I've missed you terribly you know." And then..."i really did just txt you because i was concerned, look at all the accidents, i dont know, i saw your apartment and i just wanted to make sure you were ok i guess"

 

Didn't know what to say. Really didn't. Just keep making small talk, eventually we were laughing and talking like the good old days. We took a walk around the neighborhood looking at all the destruction, like we were in some time warp. It was surreal. At one point , almost like one of those silly cliched scenes in the movies when a boy yawns to put his arm around a girl in the theater, he stretches and puts his arm around my shoulders while we are walking, and I can't help myself, because my arm goes around his waist as well. He smells bloody good as always, and we fit into each other like this perfect lock and key, like we always did. Always so comfortable, as if no time has passed. We walk around like this for an hour, just looking around at everything and talking and laughing and I swear at one point I have to look at him and struggle to remember that I am not having one of my really vivid dreams where he and I are together.

 

At a certain point he decides it would probably be best if he made an attempt to go home , to see if there's any way to get his car out from behind the fallen tree and past the gridlock. Sincerely, and I would have done this for anyone, I tell him if he cant get home rather than sit outside in the cold rain, since his office is locked up already, he can crash on my sofa. Again, because my sister was at my home (and I did tell him she was also stranded at my apartment), I assumed I'd be "safe" from temptation and that I couldn't bear to think he'd be sitting in the rain for hours waiting for when he could drive home.

 

Thankfully (so I thought) he must have summoned up some willpower, because he said no no, he'd try to go home. I gave him a hug good bye, and we just stood there without saying a word, hugging each other for a good five minutes.

 

He leaves. I figure I'm safe. Feeling emotional, but safe from temptation.

 

40 minutes later I get another text saying he can't get his car out, and that the fire department people nearby told him it would be another 4 hours before they could try to get his car out because there were more imminent emergencies to attend to. He asked if he could take me up on my offer to sleep a few hours on my sofa so that he could drive home later, because let's be honest, he'd been awake for 20 hours at that point. To tell him to sit outside in the rain and then try to drive home 4-5 hours later would be cruel.

 

I said ok, you can sleep on my sofa, but that's it. And he did at first. My sister actually fell asleep on one of my sofas watching TV, and I put him up on the other sofa, where he quickly fell asleep. I admit it....I sat and looked at him sleeping peacefully there. Again, felt surreal to have him there....especially to have him in my apartment so late at night, which was something that was normally impossible when we had our affair as he normally had to rush home for obvious reasons, but on this night he couldnt get home and his wife had assumed he was sitting in his office and that's why he wasn't home yet. She knew about the incident that happened and that no one could get out of the city at that time.

 

At one point he wakes up a bit and sees me on the other side of the room reading something and notices my sister sleeping on the other sofa. He asks sleepily if I'm going to bed, and I say I'm going to go in my room.

 

And this is, perhaps, where my own willpower was lost, but give me a break...try to see it from my end and why I might have lost some willpower for a moment.

 

I told him if he wanted to, he could come lay in my room if he felt uncomfortable sleeping near my sister, who he doesn't know very well.

 

He , half asleep, gathered up his things and came into my room, and crawled into my bed with me, put his arm around me, and fell asleep again.

 

So confused at this point....it felt so, so good to have him laying there with me, sleeping next to me as if it was this normal thing for him to do every night, burying his face into the back of my neck and hugging me.

 

And then it happened. He woke up again and hands started wandering. I did not stop them. I should have....but i didn't. Turned around and looked at him and we kissed, for the first time in 17 months. It was pretty much a done deal at that point. Ended up making love twice. Sigh.

 

Like a drug addict that has relapsed. I know this is terrible and yet I feel totally confused right now.

 

He asked me to meet him after work in tuesday to grab a bite to eat and chat so I did.

 

And he actually was being quite talkative, which is not usual for him...he's always been quite guarded. I always used to joke that he was emotionally retarded and that I wished I could understand what he was thinking about things. He said he knows I've always been upset with the fact that he never discussed how he felt about things and that he wanted to talk about what happened last week when we slept together again after all this time, and where we saw this going again. I didn't know what to say you know, so I told him to just tell me what was on his mind and what he thought about all this.

 

What it basically boils down to is that he seems to feel about me the same way I feel about him, which is ridiculously connected, and yet, he's got these three little kids and I think this sort of throws off the whole potential, obviously. As it were, I think he feels that as a parent his life isn't his anymore....that it's theirs. As much as I think we'd be happy together, I don't think he's really considering his own happiness so much as that of his family unit as a whole at the moment, which I suppose is understandbale but a lamentable thing in that this kind of connection between people is so utterly rare I wouldn't know where to begin.

 

He asked me if we could try to be friends. He said he loved to be with me, that he could rarely speak to people the way he was able to speak with me, and that he wanted to be the kind of friend that I could rely on and speak to. He said he wants to be there for me if I need him and that he didn't know if he could do that if we continued sleeping together. Said that he didn't want to feel like a bad person....that he didn't want to be "the adulterer", that it made him feel like a bad person, and that he adored sex with me and thinks I'm the most beautiful woman he's ever met but that if he felt everytime we hung out it would lead to sex, his ridiculous cycle of imminent guilt when he would have to go home later and see his wife would make him feel some sort of simultaneous doom at the constant fluctuation between euphoria of being with me, and massive horrendous guilt of cheating on his wife. Said that this cycle of guilt is what made him go back and forth with me over and over for 5 years and that he wanted to have me in his life in a more consistent manner and that he didn't know if that was possible if we had an affair. That seeing me again made him realise how much he missed me just for me as a person, and that he would rather have me in his life and be able to show me he cares for me than to just have a sporadic physical relationship littered with guilt fits that made him feel horrible about himself.

 

How sad is this situation? It's obvious by the way he looks at me, touches me, and speaks to me that he's in love with me as much as I am with him....but this family situation, it just makes it impossible. He is not in a state of mind in which the potential of being in a happy relationship with a woman is more important than his duty as father and husband to what he has already comitted to.

 

That is somewhat sad in a way, no? When you think about it, how often do you meet someone you feel this way about in your life? How many people go through their entire lives never meeting someone you love this much in such a purely natural way? I suppose some people never meet someone they love this way and in that respect I should be grateful I've experienced it, but I've never much subscribed to the whole "better to have loved and lost than never loved at all" ideology. If you've never had something, you can't miss it can you?

 

Sitting with him in the diner just talking, it was like I had this perfection sitting across from me. This combination of qualities, this connection with another human being that people often spend their entire lives looking for, and we have it sitting right in front of us....and yet we can't do anything about it. What a cruel fate.

 

After 6 years of tumultuous back and forth I look at him and see his imperfections and he sees mine and they are irrelevant....it is a perfect attraction of ridiculously prevalent physical attraction, and serenely happy melding of personalities. So much in common, so comfortable with one another, and at one time we were having sex every day for nearly two years and I have to say it never got dull, never boring, and no matter how tired and cranky we might have been just having him kiss my neck softly had me falling to the floor in shivers. Insanity, this life, isn't it?

 

Not sure if you cared to read any of this at all, as I'm sure you have better things to do, but if you do read it I appreciate you taking the time to listen to me vent. I don't really know where I'm going with this....I think I am unable at this point in my life to tell him I don't want him in it anymore, so maybe I'll give this "friendship" idea of his a chance and see where it goes.

 

I am not lying to myself. I readily admit I do not want to be just friends. I think he is the one lying to himself, more than anything, in saying that he believes he can be happy being platonic friends with me, and HE is the one asking me to please give him a chance to prove he can be a good friend to me without having a sexual relationship, so this isnt some ploy to lure me into a sense of false comfort or anything. He really is convincing himself that he can somehow figure out this is some way to have me in his life without having all the "guilt" associated with the sexual aspect of an affair.

 

I am tempted, I will admit, to try this whole "lets be friends" thing, partially because I don't believe he truly understands how ridiculous it is. It's almost like I want to force myself to try this "friend" idea just so HE can eventually realise how impossible that notion is when you have a history like ours.

 

This is so long, as my posts usually are, and I apologise, but if you've followed my story at all you'll understand how utterly confusing this is, and how hard it has been for me with him, and how I feel like I've taken a huge step back right now and I don't know how to fix it. I know WHAT I shoudl do, logically, is to just tell him not to call me again, but at the same time with all the stress I have been going through lately....I would be lying if I said it didn't actually make me smile, ALOT, this week for the first time in ages just knowing I was having dinner with him one night. I'm supposed to drive him home after work one day next week and have a casual bite to eat again, just to chat again like "friends", as he says, and I am sincerely looking forward to that. When I saw him the second time this week, we DIDN'T sleep together. We just had dinner, and spent a few hours talking and laughing, and then I dropped him off, gave him a big hug and kiss, and left it at that. It feels good to see him again in some ways....it really does. I just don't know if we are really capable of continuing this platonic friendship that he is proposing. I think the success of that rests more with me, in some ways, as I know if I suggested sex again as much as he'd feel guilty about it, he'd probably give in to it again.

 

Sigh. So strange that this happened, it really is....what are the odds that a natural disaster goes through a major city in such a way that for the first time in over a year and a half he is trapped down the street from me? What are the freaking odds. My friend likes to tell me that everything happens for a reason....but I'm not really sure what the reason for this was at all except to confuse the hell out of me again.

 

For anyone that actually read this entire novel, cheers, you're a trooper. Had to get it out. Thanks.

[bentnotbroken]

More like what are the odds that you would invite him into your bed and he would say yes? Pretty good it appears.

[lilbunny]

I did indeed read it all. I know what I should say, I also trust someone else to say it all. I also know myself and I can't say in your shoes I would have done anything much different. I'd like to think I would have been strong and ignored mm, but I'm not.

 

Think long and hard about what you want and what is good for you. You have been NC for a long time, you went NC for a reason has anything changed?

 

Trust your guts and good luck to you. ((hugs))

[KismetGirl]

More like what are the odds that you would invite him into your bed and he would say yes? Pretty good it appears.

 

Please don't be harsh...I've said it in the past, and I will say again that harsh comments do not help me, they do not make me listen, and they at best make me resentful and defensive.

 

I'm here, obviously, because I don't like that this happened and I am upset that I gave in after doing so well for a year and a half, and I'd really just like some support to get me back on track. Not to ensue that he and I are a couple of whores. If you read the whole thing you would understand my purpose in explaining how this happened again.

 

Cheers.

[fooled once]

 

 

What it basically boils down to is that he seems to feel about me the same way I feel about him, which is ridiculously connected, and yet, he's got these three little kids and I think this sort of throws off the whole potential, obviously. As it were, I think he feels that as a parent his life isn't his anymore....that it's theirs. As much as I think we'd be happy together, I don't think he's really considering his own happiness so much as that of his family unit as a whole at the moment, which I suppose is understandbale but a lamentable thing in that this kind of connection between people is so utterly rare I wouldn't know where to begin.

 

Actually, when adults decide to become parents, most mature adults put aside their needs for their children. That is called being a parent. If someone doesn't want to do this and is only concerned about THEIR needs and THEIR happiness, it is probably best that they do NOT become parents. Children need their parents to be focused on raising them, not on their next conquest.

 

You don't have kids so I do not presume you to understand this. I would gladly give my life up for my son, no questions asked. I chose to end my marriage in order to ensure my son was happy and was raised in a home free of abuse and alcoholism. I struggled for YEARS; but what mattered most was my son was in a much better environment.

 

At the same time, I do subscribe to the believe that if the parent(s) isn't happy, that is transferred to the kids. If a parent is miserable, then the children suffer because of that parents misery.

 

I do not believe you two can be friends - without benefits. See how easily and quickly you two went to bed? And after that, you have dinner, "as friends". FYI - most friends don't hug and kiss after a meal. Let me rephrase that - most former lovers who are deciding to just be friends SHOULDN'T be hugging and kissing after a meal.

 

You will not be happy just being friends. Your life is going to go back to waiting on him, on seeing him. You will no longer date and try to move on. You went through utter MISERY when you two broke up last time; and that is what is going to happen again when this 'friendship' ends again because of his guilt. We both know he cannot handle the guilt.

 

But, it is your life. If you want to do this again for 5 years - on again, off again - and the hell you went through the last time it ended ..... that is your choice.

 

Good luck

[whichwayisup]

Sorry that this happened. It sucks and I am worried about you because 17 months you've gone on with your life, sure you've missed him and still love him, but you were going along fine. Then he tested you (yes he was concerned, I believe that, but he also manipulated the situation..) and you reacted. He didn't have to text you to ask if he could come sleep at your house. He could have called his wife, or a friend.. Nope, he called you knowing FULL well that you'd cave.

 

No comment on the sex thing, I saw that coming as soon as I read he came to your place..

 

What do YOU want? A friendship = Affair and you going back to being the OW and only a matter of time before things fall apart again, he acts like a schmuck, runs away again and/or there's D-Day all over again. Drama, pain, heartache, anxiety, confusion, that rollercoaster ride..Again.

 

OR

 

No friendship. Pain, heartache that WILL go away and lessen over time and hopefully allowing yourself to truly let go and heal.

 

Get a new cell number so he can't "text" you anytime in the future.

[KarmasTestDummy]

Lamentably, I was hoping to not be writing this posting.

 

I did really well for a long time. After 5 years of an off-and--on again affair with my MM, who admittadly I fell deeply in love with, we broke things off about a year and a half ago following another incident of his wife catching him in a lie, and for nearly 17 months or so, I was able to keep no contact.For anyone here familiar with my story....you'd know that is an amazing feat. The only time I spoke to him was a handful of times on the phone/email regarding work things. Otherwise I hadn't seen him in person in a long time.

 

Do you know how hard it was to not see someone you're madly in love with for 17 months, when you know that they drive by your apartment every week to go to one of their offices two blocks away? You have no idea.I had convinced myself that since he hadn't contact me, that he'd forgotten about me, probably never cared, etc etc. But I was doin' good, ya know. I really was. I was devastated, but it got easier over time, and I still thought about him fairly often, but I wasn't crying every day and it wasnt EVERY day that I thought about him. I'd even started dating again, and even quite became fond of one or two new boys.

 

And then, wouldn't you know it....the most random thing in the world happens. Without getting into identifying details, there was a significant, very strange, unexpected occurrence in my neighborhood in which there was significant damage and chaos, accidents, people gridlocked in traffic and stuck in the same spot for over 4 hours without moving for miles and miles. I literally had to drive backwards the wrong way down a one way street just to try to get home for over a mile.

 

I did finally get home, but other people were not so lucky, and I was sitting outside my home watching these people sitting in the same spot with their cars for hours, unable to get out or go anywhere. All of a sudden at 11 pm in the evening I get a text message....look down and my heart stops.

 

It is MM. It is the first time he has made first contact with me in 17 months. I trepidatiously read it. "Hi stranger," it says, "Your neighborhood is pretty wrecked...are you ok?".

 

Didn't know what to say. Why would he ask me this? Do you know what it's like to think that someone you love just forgot about you, thinking YOU are the one that still occasionally thinks about them...and then to see that they've immediately thought of you in such a situation?

 

I sat and stared at that text message for a good 30 minutes, contemplating what to say. I assumed that the only way he knew how chaotic the devastation had become was that he must be at his office a couple of blocks away, stuck here like everyone else that was stranded, and had thought of me nearby. It eventually turned out that he had parked in the area earlier in the day, and come back to get his car and saw that he was stranded. I ended up cautiously responding with a simple "I'm ok, thanks", but couldnt help myself and also asked if he was stuck at his office. He ends up walking over to where I live to "say hello", because his car was trapped behind a fallen tree and he had no way to get home and was trying to wait out some help. I figured I was safe because my sister was at my house, so nothing could happen. I'd meet him downstairs. He wouldn't come up, because she was there anyway.

 

My heart, guys, I gotta tell you, I thought it woudl fall out of my chest seeing him again. I walked through the front door and his eyes and smile lit up like he'd just won the lottery. He nervously sat next to me like a bloody high school boy with a crush. I stared straight ahead while trying to act normal, asking how he was, making small talk. The whole while, out of the corner of my eye, I see him just STARING at me as if....I don't know. As if, just like he used to look at me, as if he thought I was the most gorgeous woman he'd ever seen. And admittedly, he still looks damn good. Apparently the mutual attraction has not regressed at all.

 

He makes a joke: "Did you miss me?"

 

I said "I am not answering that question... you'd like to know wouldn't you"

 

He looks off into the distance at all the cars and people on the street in traffic and then looks down at his hands all nervous before looking up at me and saying, "well...I've missed you terribly you know." And then..."i really did just txt you because i was concerned, look at all the accidents, i dont know, i saw your apartment and i just wanted to make sure you were ok i guess"

 

Didn't know what to say. Really didn't. Just keep making small talk, eventually we were laughing and talking like the good old days. We took a walk around the neighborhood looking at all the destruction, like we were in some time warp. It was surreal. At one point , almost like one of those silly cliched scenes in the movies when a boy yawns to put his arm around a girl in the theater, he stretches and puts his arm around my shoulders while we are walking, and I can't help myself, because my arm goes around his waist as well. He smells bloody good as always, and we fit into each other like this perfect lock and key, like we always did. Always so comfortable, as if no time has passed. We walk around like this for an hour, just looking around at everything and talking and laughing and I swear at one point I have to look at him and struggle to remember that I am not having one of my really vivid dreams where he and I are together.

 

At a certain point he decides it would probably be best if he made an attempt to go home , to see if there's any way to get his car out from behind the fallen tree and past the gridlock. Sincerely, and I would have done this for anyone, I tell him if he cant get home rather than sit outside in the cold rain, since his office is locked up already, he can crash on my sofa. Again, because my sister was at my home (and I did tell him she was also stranded at my apartment), I assumed I'd be "safe" from temptation and that I couldn't bear to think he'd be sitting in the rain for hours waiting for when he could drive home.

 

Thankfully (so I thought) he must have summoned up some willpower, because he said no no, he'd try to go home. I gave him a hug good bye, and we just stood there without saying a word, hugging each other for a good five minutes.

 

He leaves. I figure I'm safe. Feeling emotional, but safe from temptation.

 

40 minutes later I get another text saying he can't get his car out, and that the fire department people nearby told him it would be another 4 hours before they could try to get his car out because there were more imminent emergencies to attend to. He asked if he could take me up on my offer to sleep a few hours on my sofa so that he could drive home later, because let's be honest, he'd been awake for 20 hours at that point. To tell him to sit outside in the rain and then try to drive home 4-5 hours later would be cruel.

 

I said ok, you can sleep on my sofa, but that's it. And he did at first. My sister actually fell asleep on one of my sofas watching TV, and I put him up on the other sofa, where he quickly fell asleep. I admit it....I sat and looked at him sleeping peacefully there. Again, felt surreal to have him there....especially to have him in my apartment so late at night, which was something that was normally impossible when we had our affair as he normally had to rush home for obvious reasons, but on this night he couldnt get home and his wife had assumed he was sitting in his office and that's why he wasn't home yet. She knew about the incident that happened and that no one could get out of the city at that time.

 

At one point he wakes up a bit and sees me on the other side of the room reading something and notices my sister sleeping on the other sofa. He asks sleepily if I'm going to bed, and I say I'm going to go in my room.

 

And this is, perhaps, where my own willpower was lost, but give me a break...try to see it from my end and why I might have lost some willpower for a moment.

 

I told him if he wanted to, he could come lay in my room if he felt uncomfortable sleeping near my sister, who he doesn't know very well.

 

He , half asleep, gathered up his things and came into my room, and crawled into my bed with me, put his arm around me, and fell asleep again.

 

So confused at this point....it felt so, so good to have him laying there with me, sleeping next to me as if it was this normal thing for him to do every night, burying his face into the back of my neck and hugging me.

 

And then it happened. He woke up again and hands started wandering. I did not stop them. I should have....but i didn't. Turned around and looked at him and we kissed, for the first time in 17 months. It was pretty much a done deal at that point. Ended up making love twice. Sigh.

 

Like a drug addict that has relapsed. I know this is terrible and yet I feel totally confused right now.

 

He asked me to meet him after work in tuesday to grab a bite to eat and chat so I did.

 

And he actually was being quite talkative, which is not usual for him...he's always been quite guarded. I always used to joke that he was emotionally retarded and that I wished I could understand what he was thinking about things. He said he knows I've always been upset with the fact that he never discussed how he felt about things and that he wanted to talk about what happened last week when we slept together again after all this time, and where we saw this going again. I didn't know what to say you know, so I told him to just tell me what was on his mind and what he thought about all this.

 

What it basically boils down to is that he seems to feel about me the same way I feel about him, which is ridiculously connected, and yet, he's got these three little kids and I think this sort of throws off the whole potential, obviously. As it were, I think he feels that as a parent his life isn't his anymore....that it's theirs. As much as I think we'd be happy together, I don't think he's really considering his own happiness so much as that of his family unit as a whole at the moment, which I suppose is understandbale but a lamentable thing in that this kind of connection between people is so utterly rare I wouldn't know where to begin.

 

He asked me if we could try to be friends. He said he loved to be with me, that he could rarely speak to people the way he was able to speak with me, and that he wanted to be the kind of friend that I could rely on and speak to. He said he wants to be there for me if I need him and that he didn't know if he could do that if we continued sleeping together. Said that he didn't want to feel like a bad person....that he didn't want to be "the adulterer", that it made him feel like a bad person, and that he adored sex with me and thinks I'm the most beautiful woman he's ever met but that if he felt everytime we hung out it would lead to sex, his ridiculous cycle of imminent guilt when he would have to go home later and see his wife would make him feel some sort of simultaneous doom at the constant fluctuation between euphoria of being with me, and massive horrendous guilt of cheating on his wife. Said that this cycle of guilt is what made him go back and forth with me over and over for 5 years and that he wanted to have me in his life in a more consistent manner and that he didn't know if that was possible if we had an affair. That seeing me again made him realise how much he missed me just for me as a person, and that he would rather have me in his life and be able to show me he cares for me than to just have a sporadic physical relationship littered with guilt fits that made him feel horrible about himself.

 

How sad is this situation? It's obvious by the way he looks at me, touches me, and speaks to me that he's in love with me as much as I am with him....but this family situation, it just makes it impossible. He is not in a state of mind in which the potential of being in a happy relationship with a woman is more important than his duty as father and husband to what he has already comitted to.

 

That is somewhat sad in a way, no? When you think about it, how often do you meet someone you feel this way about in your life? How many people go through their entire lives never meeting someone you love this much in such a purely natural way? I suppose some people never meet someone they love this way and in that respect I should be grateful I've experienced it, but I've never much subscribed to the whole "better to have loved and lost than never loved at all" ideology. If you've never had something, you can't miss it can you?

 

Sitting with him in the diner just talking, it was like I had this perfection sitting across from me. This combination of qualities, this connection with another human being that people often spend their entire lives looking for, and we have it sitting right in front of us....and yet we can't do anything about it. What a cruel fate.

 

After 6 years of tumultuous back and forth I look at him and see his imperfections and he sees mine and they are irrelevant....it is a perfect attraction of ridiculously prevalent physical attraction, and serenely happy melding of personalities. So much in common, so comfortable with one another, and at one time we were having sex every day for nearly two years and I have to say it never got dull, never boring, and no matter how tired and cranky we might have been just having him kiss my neck softly had me falling to the floor in shivers. Insanity, this life, isn't it?

 

Not sure if you cared to read any of this at all, as I'm sure you have better things to do, but if you do read it I appreciate you taking the time to listen to me vent. I don't really know where I'm going with this....I think I am unable at this point in my life to tell him I don't want him in it anymore, so maybe I'll give this "friendship" idea of his a chance and see where it goes.

 

I am not lying to myself. I readily admit I do not want to be just friends. I think he is the one lying to himself, more than anything, in saying that he believes he can be happy being platonic friends with me, and HE is the one asking me to please give him a chance to prove he can be a good friend to me without having a sexual relationship, so this isnt some ploy to lure me into a sense of false comfort or anything. He really is convincing himself that he can somehow figure out this is some way to have me in his life without having all the "guilt" associated with the sexual aspect of an affair.

 

I am tempted, I will admit, to try this whole "lets be friends" thing, partially because I don't believe he truly understands how ridiculous it is. It's almost like I want to force myself to try this "friend" idea just so HE can eventually realise how impossible that notion is when you have a history like ours.

 

This is so long, as my posts usually are, and I apologise, but if you've followed my story at all you'll understand how utterly confusing this is, and how hard it has been for me with him, and how I feel like I've taken a huge step back right now and I don't know how to fix it. I know WHAT I shoudl do, logically, is to just tell him not to call me again, but at the same time with all the stress I have been going through lately....I would be lying if I said it didn't actually make me smile, ALOT, this week for the first time in ages just knowing I was having dinner with him one night. I'm supposed to drive him home after work one day next week and have a casual bite to eat again, just to chat again like "friends", as he says, and I am sincerely looking forward to that. When I saw him the second time this week, we DIDN'T sleep together. We just had dinner, and spent a few hours talking and laughing, and then I dropped him off, gave him a big hug and kiss, and left it at that. It feels good to see him again in some ways....it really does. I just don't know if we are really capable of continuing this platonic friendship that he is proposing. I think the success of that rests more with me, in some ways, as I know if I suggested sex again as much as he'd feel guilty about it, he'd probably give in to it again.

 

Sigh. So strange that this happened, it really is....what are the odds that a natural disaster goes through a major city in such a way that for the first time in over a year and a half he is trapped down the street from me? What are the freaking odds. My friend likes to tell me that everything happens for a reason....but I'm not really sure what the reason for this was at all except to confuse the hell out of me again.

 

For anyone that actually read this entire novel, cheers, you're a trooper. Had to get it out. Thanks.

 

Not only did I read every word but I hung onto them like my favorite characters in a book. Wow. My heart is racing for you. It's what tragic love stories are made of. And I see that same scenario playing out in my future. I don't know that my mm and I will last, but I do believe we share a connection that neither of us will EVER share with another person again. Those looks, the touches, the smells, it becomes euphoric. No amount of NC could ever make me' forget and if in 1-2 years time it reappeared just as randomly as yours did, I would have been just as weak. I wish you all the best. I don't think there is a snowball's chance in hell the platonic bit will work more than a month or two, but I think u are like me', willing to have him in your life regardless of what that takes, even if it means living in torment wanting him so badly for the rest of ur life. Do u realize you will likely gist be replacing a pa with an ea? Those can be just as earth shatteringly guilt ridden. At which point he may decide if he's going to feel the guilt anyway he may as well get the satisfaction too. Please continue posting. I desperately need to know how this plays out.

[LucreziaBorgia]

That seeing me again made him realise how much he missed me just for me as a person, and that he would rather have me in his life and be able to show me he cares for me than to just have a sporadic physical relationship littered with guilt fits that made him feel horrible about himself.

 

I hate to say this, but he isn't really interested in having you in his life unless there is a physical relationship. If he was, he would not have come to your bedroom.

 

If you want to be with him, then be with him - but don't let him pull the 'friends' thing on you. That is only for his benefit, not yours and I'd let him know that. It is too late for friends. It was too late for that 17 months ago, it was too late five years ago, and it is too late now that you and he have slept together again.

 

Tell him to get his head out of his ass. You and he are "together" or you aren't and there is no point in trying to juggle semantics in order to assuage guilt.

[KismetGirl]

Actually, when adults decide to become parents, most mature adults put aside their needs for their children. That is called being a parent. If someone doesn't want to do this and is only concerned about THEIR needs and THEIR happiness, it is probably best that they do NOT become parents. Children need their parents to be focused on raising them, not on their next conquest.

 

You don't have kids so I do not presume you to understand this. I would gladly give my life up for my son, no questions asked. I chose to end my marriage in order to ensure my son was happy and was raised in a home free of abuse and alcoholism. I struggled for YEARS; but what mattered most was my son was in a much better environment.

 

At the same time, I do subscribe to the believe that if the parent(s) isn't happy, that is transferred to the kids. If a parent is miserable, then the children suffer because of that parents misery.

 

I do not believe you two can be friends - without benefits. See how easily and quickly you two went to bed? And after that, you have dinner, "as friends". FYI - most friends don't hug and kiss after a meal. Let me rephrase that - most former lovers who are deciding to just be friends SHOULDN'T be hugging and kissing after a meal.

 

You will not be happy just being friends. Your life is going to go back to waiting on him, on seeing him. You will no longer date and try to move on. You went through utter MISERY when you two broke up last time; and that is what is going to happen again when this 'friendship' ends again because of his guilt. We both know he cannot handle the guilt.

 

But, it is your life. If you want to do this again for 5 years - on again, off again - and the hell you went through the last time it ended ..... that is your choice.

 

Good luck

 

Thank you very much for your civil response...I was worried I'd get a barage of harsh ones. That happens on here sometimes....I don't respond well to those.

 

Anyway, yes. I mean, let's be honest , friends often hug and give kisses on the cheek to each other. That part is not abnormal for friends, per say, and we were very "platonic" when we had dinner, but yet, I do understand your point about the constant tension that will always be there because of our history regardless of whether we try to jsut be friends or not.

 

I am sorry for your history of course, and you did the right thing. But he is not miserable like you were, not in that way. He and his wife get along great. No one is an alcoholic, there is no abuse in the home, they are otherwise, strangely quite happy and functional and a great little family unit.

 

is he missing some passion in his life? Yeah. Is he missing that romantic connection with his wife? That's pretty obvious. That's been that way a long time. But, they do love each other. Ever read about the "Triange theory of love?" See here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Triangular_theory_of_love

 

he and his wife are squarely in the "companiante love" category. He doesn't want to hurt her, he feels committed to her in the grand scheme of things, and he utterly adores and loves his children and could not imagine a life where he only has them on alternate weekends or some other such divorced arrangement. His situation is NOT obviously unhappy like yours was, where there is some very undeniable element of abuse or some such thing.

 

Sadly, the type of things he is unhappy are, on the other hand, very easy to deny and trivialise, even though obviously if they were so trivial he wouldn't find himself coming back to me over and over I suppose.

 

You are right. This can only end miserably for sure. We won't be happy being just friends....UNLESS I meet someone else, which is possible, and in that case I would not be tempted to give in to him again.

 

Despite my status as a sometime OW....I would NEVER cheat on someone myself. never ever ever.

 

I actually HAVE been speaking to some new men....one in particular I AM very interested in and have been trying to focus my thoughts on lately, and if me and this other man ended up together long term, I think I would be able to resist MM entirely, but at the moment I am just in that fame of mind where it's this confusion of seeing him again after such a long No Contact period where that weird euphoric rush of just seeing his face is calling me for some reason, you know?

 

I've been trying to remember how miserable I was when we broke it off last time....to use that memory to make me stay away from him, but it is really hard, which is why I've been speaking to my good friends, and coming on here, to get as much support as I can to get back on the No-Contact-bandwagon, so to speak.

 

I know that's the better thing to do, and I know that as much as I would like to believe that MM and I could be platonic friends, the odds are stacked against that.

 

Let me just say that , geuinely, simply having dinner and chatting with him for a couple hours DID make me happy. I was attracted to him yes, of course, but I was not entirely upset that we did not go home together again. I was actually kind of pleased with myself that I simply gave him a hug and kiss on the cheek, and dropped him off at his car, and that was it. I COULD have invited him upstairs again, easily, but I didn't.

 

That has got to count for something no? I'm trying....I really am. I want to do the right thing, but seeing him in person threw a big wrench in my No Contact success I was having. It is alot easier KEEPING No Contact going rather than re-enacting it again. If he had not walked over to my apartment building that one night to say hello, I think I would have not even ever contacted him again, i really wouldn't have. Sure, I still thought about him once a week, in passing, but I was doing REALLY well as far as refraining from actually making any effort to speak to him on my own or see him.

 

I know I can do it again....I just need to get back in that game. For some reason though....I am curious to see how he reacts to just being friends with me. Almost like I want to dangle myself in front of him knowing how much he wants me badly, but to NOT give in again just so he can be a little uncomfortable. Is that weird? I think, strangely, I felt like I HAD held onto some of the power when I dropped him off after dinner and did not let him upstairs that time. Almost like sleeping with him last week that one time was a one-time accident, a "slip up", and that I am now proving to myself that I can have the temptation of him physically in front of me but that I am strong enough to not give in to it.

 

Christ I don't know if I am making any sense. It makes sense in my head but its hard to get it out in words sometimes....anyone understand what I'm saying here at all?

 

I wish there was some magical way for him and I to be friends, I really do. I do legitimately care about him as a human being, and if you take out the sexual history, we ARE like best friends in some ways. We can say amost anything to each other, and in some ways that openness and emotional compatibility do mean alot to me because I know that even on a friendship level many people do not connect this way. It's not just a sex thing with us, it really isn't. Of course the physical attraction is there, but that isn't the only component, or else it would be alot easier to tell him to bugger off.

 

Let me ask you this, though....let's say that it WAS physically possible for us to maintain a friendly contact without ever sleeping together again. Would that be a terrible thing? Just putting forth a theoretical situation.....if we managed to somehow maintain a friendship without falling into the sexual thing again, I wonder if it would be that bad. Maybe eventually I'd just be in my own relationship , and we'd just be friends.

 

Surely people who have dated , and then broken up, have been able to be friends in the future at some point, no? I have ex boyfriends with whom I have long relationships, and we are now just friends, and they have new girlfriends, and there has been no risk of us ever hooking up again. I wonder if that could ever happen in this situation.

 

I was telling MM about this other guy I've been seeing and how I rather like him, and yes he seemed a bit jealous, but at the same time said he really hoped it worked out and he wants to see me happy. I think he does want me to be happy....jealousy in a bit is expected. But really, I wonder if it is ever possible for us to be friends at some point. In an ideal world it might be nice.

[bentnotbroken]

Please don't be harsh...I've said it in the past, and I will say again that harsh comments do not help me, they do not make me listen, and they at best make me resentful and defensive.

 

I'm here, obviously, because I don't like that this happened and I am upset that I gave in after doing so well for a year and a half, and I'd really just like some support to get me back on track. Not to ensue that he and I are a couple of whores. If you read the whole thing you would understand my purpose in explaining how this happened again.

 

Cheers.

 

If you view my comments as harsh, that is on you. I stated what I saw. And if the comments of a stranger on public forum make you resentful and you refuse to see what's in front of you, then who's life will you screw up, mine or yours? If I want to call you a whore(which I do not, not something I believe, I think there are bigger problems than who you are sleeping with) I would do just that. I did read the whole thing and it happened because you allowed it to.

Edited September 26, 2010 by bentnotbroken

[whichwayisup]

I actually HAVE been speaking to some new men....one in particular I AM very interested in and have been trying to focus my thoughts on lately, and if me and this other man ended up together long term, I think I would be able to resist MM entirely, but at the moment I am just in that fame of mind where it's this confusion of seeing him again after such a long No Contact period where that weird euphoric rush of just seeing his face is calling me for some reason, you know?

 

The new guy doesn't have a chance if the exMM is still in your life. There's no way what you feel for the new guy compares to what you still feel for your exMM. And, with that said, feelings won't grow between you and the new guy. Your heart just won't allow it.

[twinsmom]

Kismet, I've followed your story from the very beginning, and you two DID try the "friends" thing before, remember? It didn't work then, and I'm afraid it won't work now. I don't say this to make you feel bad, but I was SOOO disappointed to read your update, mainly because in the past I could identify with your feelings about your MM, because they kind of mirrored my own. Mine moved almost 3000 miles away without a word to me about it, and it took me a LONG time to get over it. In fact, I just now am, and it's been almost 3 years! I was so happy about your progress.

 

And I totally agree with WWIU. He DID manipulate the situation. He had the perfect excuse to re-open communication. And remember, it's been seventeen months now, which may have been enough time to lull his wife into a false sense of complacency. I think he's just trying to snow you with his feelings of "guilt". BS!! He wants you to think that he feels oh-so-guilty about having sex with you, when what he really wants is for YOU to suggest it/seduce HIM, so he can say, or think, that you're the temptress, that he wouldn't do anything if YOU just weren't the initiator. I think he has ZERO guilt. He just seems like a master manipulator to me. I know you don't want to see that, and pretty much REFUSE to see it. As for him wanting to be "friends"?? Another big BS..That is not what he wants. It's only a matter of days before you're in bed with him again. He'll act all guilty, and say it shouldn't have happened, and then the whole damn cycle will start over again.

 

Please don't become the OW again. I can't tell you how much I don't want to see that happen, but I fear it will,and then we will see you posting again down the road about how your heart is breaking yet again. He is not leaving his wife and kids; you know that, and he knows that. He dropped you 17 months ago because he got caught. He now wants to reignite the affair, regardless of what he says. He thinks he's safe for the time being.

 

Best wishes.

[jthorne]

Be resentful and defensive all you want, but you brought this all on yourself. He's a married man thinking with the wrong head. He fished, you took bait.

 

YOU answered the text.

You invited him over.

You offered the couch.

You offered your bed.

You offered your body.

 

If you want to go through being the nasty little secret all over again, that's on YOU.

[fooled once]

Thank you very much for your civil response...I was worried I'd get a barage of harsh ones. That happens on here sometimes....I don't respond well to those.

 

Anyway, yes. I mean, let's be honest , friends often hug and give kisses on the cheek to each other. That part is not abnormal for friends, per say, and we were very "platonic" when we had dinner, but yet, I do understand your point about the constant tension that will always be there because of our history regardless of whether we try to jsut be friends or not.

 

I am sorry for your history of course, and you did the right thing. But he is not miserable like you were, not in that way. He and his wife get along great. No one is an alcoholic, there is no abuse in the home, they are otherwise, strangely quite happy and functional and a great little family unit.

 

is he missing some passion in his life? Yeah. Is he missing that romantic connection with his wife? That's pretty obvious. That's been that way a long time. But, they do love each other. Ever read about the "Triange theory of love?" See here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Triangular_theory_of_love

 

he and his wife are squarely in the "companiante love" category. He doesn't want to hurt her, he feels committed to her in the grand scheme of things, and he utterly adores and loves his children and could not imagine a life where he only has them on alternate weekends or some other such divorced arrangement. His situation is NOT obviously unhappy like yours was, where there is some very undeniable element of abuse or some such thing.

 

Sadly, the type of things he is unhappy are, on the other hand, very easy to deny and trivialise, even though obviously if they were so trivial he wouldn't find himself coming back to me over and over I suppose.

 

You are right. This can only end miserably for sure. We won't be happy being just friends....UNLESS I meet someone else, which is possible, and in that case I would not be tempted to give in to him again.

 

Despite my status as a sometime OW....I would NEVER cheat on someone myself. never ever ever.

 

I actually HAVE been speaking to some new men....one in particular I AM very interested in and have been trying to focus my thoughts on lately, and if me and this other man ended up together long term, I think I would be able to resist MM entirely, but at the moment I am just in that fame of mind where it's this confusion of seeing him again after such a long No Contact period where that weird euphoric rush of just seeing his face is calling me for some reason, you know?

 

I've been trying to remember how miserable I was when we broke it off last time....to use that memory to make me stay away from him, but it is really hard, which is why I've been speaking to my good friends, and coming on here, to get as much support as I can to get back on the No-Contact-bandwagon, so to speak.

 

I know that's the better thing to do, and I know that as much as I would like to believe that MM and I could be platonic friends, the odds are stacked against that.

 

Let me just say that , geuinely, simply having dinner and chatting with him for a couple hours DID make me happy. I was attracted to him yes, of course, but I was not entirely upset that we did not go home together again. I was actually kind of pleased with myself that I simply gave him a hug and kiss on the cheek, and dropped him off at his car, and that was it. I COULD have invited him upstairs again, easily, but I didn't.

 

That has got to count for something no? I'm trying....I really am. I want to do the right thing, but seeing him in person threw a big wrench in my No Contact success I was having. It is alot easier KEEPING No Contact going rather than re-enacting it again. If he had not walked over to my apartment building that one night to say hello, I think I would have not even ever contacted him again, i really wouldn't have. Sure, I still thought about him once a week, in passing, but I was doing REALLY well as far as refraining from actually making any effort to speak to him on my own or see him.

 

I know I can do it again....I just need to get back in that game. For some reason though....I am curious to see how he reacts to just being friends with me. Almost like I want to dangle myself in front of him knowing how much he wants me badly, but to NOT give in again just so he can be a little uncomfortable. Is that weird? I think, strangely, I felt like I HAD held onto some of the power when I dropped him off after dinner and did not let him upstairs that time. Almost like sleeping with him last week that one time was a one-time accident, a "slip up", and that I am now proving to myself that I can have the temptation of him physically in front of me but that I am strong enough to not give in to it.

 

Christ I don't know if I am making any sense. It makes sense in my head but its hard to get it out in words sometimes....anyone understand what I'm saying here at all?

 

I wish there was some magical way for him and I to be friends, I really do. I do legitimately care about him as a human being, and if you take out the sexual history, we ARE like best friends in some ways. We can say amost anything to each other, and in some ways that openness and emotional compatibility do mean alot to me because I know that even on a friendship level many people do not connect this way. It's not just a sex thing with us, it really isn't. Of course the physical attraction is there, but that isn't the only component, or else it would be alot easier to tell him to bugger off.

 

Let me ask you this, though....let's say that it WAS physically possible for us to maintain a friendly contact without ever sleeping together again. Would that be a terrible thing? Just putting forth a theoretical situation.....if we managed to somehow maintain a friendship without falling into the sexual thing again, I wonder if it would be that bad. Maybe eventually I'd just be in my own relationship , and we'd just be friends.

 

Surely people who have dated , and then broken up, have been able to be friends in the future at some point, no? I have ex boyfriends with whom I have long relationships, and we are now just friends, and they have new girlfriends, and there has been no risk of us ever hooking up again. I wonder if that could ever happen in this situation.

 

I was telling MM about this other guy I've been seeing and how I rather like him, and yes he seemed a bit jealous, but at the same time said he really hoped it worked out and he wants to see me happy. I think he does want me to be happy....jealousy in a bit is expected. But really, I wonder if it is ever possible for us to be friends at some point. In an ideal world it might be nice.

 

Yes it is possible to be friends...but Kismet, be honest with yourself. You are still in love with him. YOU ARE STILL IN LOVE WITH HIM. That is why right NOW, you cannot be 'just friends' with him. Because YOU ARE STILL IN LOVE WITH HIM. ((hug))

 

And I fear that this new guy now doesn't stand a chance because you are back in touch with MM and because your feelings for him have been rejuvinated. Please - research your own history here and re-read what you wrote after it ended. I think so many of us hurt so badly FOR YOU because of what you went through. You were a walking zombie for months!!!

 

And because he does love his wife....it is almost like a competition for you again. You know he isn't leaving. You know he still cares for you. But to continue this 'friendship' is like playing with fire ... you will get burned.

 

Leave it as a slip up .... and say goodbye again to him. Maybe one day, when you are happily married with your own kids, you can pass him on the street and not feel what you are feeling again. And maybe your H and him can watch a ball game together and instead of thinking about MM, you will look at your H and thank the stars that you met him, you feel in love with him and that he accepts your past with him. BUT you can never be friends with MM behind your boyfriend/husband's back.

 

I do wish you well. When I first came to LS, your story was one that kept me coming back. Honestly I cried for YOU when you and he ended; because the raw pain that was so evident in your posts. I would hate to see you go through that again.

 

Good luck.

[Angel1111]

You could be me, writing about my xMM. The things you describe hit so close to home it's uncanny. The wonderful way he smells, how we both light up when we're around one another, the connection, how time and space apart seems to make no difference, even the 3 kids. Wow. It's like the same script in many ways.

 

Yea, the natural disaster that drove him back into your life is pretty strange. It must make you wonder if it's a sign of something that's meant to be. But knowing what I know now, I believe those things happen to give us a deeper insight, and that not all 'great loves' are destined to spend their lives together, that sometimes things like that happen in order to bring us a new level of peace. Now you know that what the two of you shared was indeed extremely real and deep.

 

But while you think he's not thinking of himself because of his kids, it would be better for you to understand that it's really more that he would think less of himself if he left his wife and kids to be with you. Once I realized that no matter what xMM and I shared, his family - wife and kids - were a completely different entitiy, with much more force and power that he and I would ever have. When I came to terms with that, I learned to let go. I let myself get angry about it and went through the whole range of emotions that I needed to in order to let him go. Maybe it's not necessary for you to do that, but I do think you need to come to terms with moving on. My xMM wanted the friendship thing, too, and I suppose we are in very loose terms. But I'm losing that connection with him now and that's really what needed to happen. It took 6 yrs for me to get to that point.

 

It was a great love that I had with MM but that kind of love is temporary and it isn't what I want; it isn't what I bargained for. I want a great love with a man who can share his life fully with me. I want a great love that lasts for the rest of my life. As much as I thought he was that person, MM wasn't. It was one of hardest things I've ever had to come to terms with.

[whichwayisup]

Once I realized that no matter what xMM and I shared, his family - wife and kids - were a completely different entitiy, with much more force and power that he and I would ever have. When I came to terms with that, I learned to let go.

 

What a realization you had Angel! I hope other OW take this and apply it into their own situations. Kismet, you too.. It is something to ponder deeply.

[twinsmom]

You are so right, WWIU..I came to the same conclusion about my relationship with a MM. It lasted 3 1/2 years, and I was CERTAIN that we belonged together! Nope. Regardless of the fact that he professed his love to me, he never had any intention of upsetting his life, and HIS kids were grown. I have finally moved on, after a long time, and that is why I was so disappointed to see that you were being sucked back in, and oh yes, you are. You will make time to see him whenever HE wants, you will again have to worry about whether or not to appear at a function at which his wife might be in attendance, you will again have to think about him going home and snuggling with HER at night, and making love to her at night, because you know it happens, regardless of what he says. He makes love to his wife. HIS WIFE..They do all the family things together: dinners, vacations, holidays, "Santa Claus", (they probably have a blast together doing that every year), trick-or-treating, school functions. They do all those things together. You will never do those things with him.

 

Please think long and hard before re-entering an affair relationship with him again. You say you won't, but your actions speak otherwise. Please tell us a month from now that you haven't.

[siuys]

Sorry you are in this predicament, KismetGirl. 17 months is a very long time and I am rather surprised you are still not over him. I read every word and I can feel your pain. At the end of the day, you need to ask yourself what sort of a life you want because despite everything, your mm is just not available, whether physically or emotionally, and will probably never be there in a way that you want him to be. You've known him as your mm for 6 years. It's a hell of a lot of time to 'waste' on someone who cannot commit to an outcome. I know how you feel about him, because I can relate, but feelings is not enough. And I doubt very much the platonic thing will work. Think hard about your life, and what you want (that you can realistic have). I hope you gather the strength to say no. Otherwise, it will continue as before, and you will only feel more pain... all the best.

[KarmasTestDummy]

Kismet, I've followed your story from the very beginning, and you two DID try the "friends" thing before, remember? It didn't work then, and I'm afraid it won't work now. I don't say this to make you feel bad, but I was SOOO disappointed to read your update, mainly because in the past I could identify with your feelings about your MM, because they kind of mirrored my own. Mine moved almost 3000 miles away without a word to me about it, and it took me a LONG time to get over it. In fact, I just now am, and it's been almost 3 years! I was so happy about your progress.

 

And I totally agree with WWIU. He DID manipulate the situation. He had the perfect excuse to re-open communication. And remember, it's been seventeen months now, which may have been enough time to lull his wife into a false sense of complacency. I think he's just trying to snow you with his feelings of "guilt". BS!! He wants you to think that he feels oh-so-guilty about having sex with you, when what he really wants is for YOU to suggest it/seduce HIM, so he can say, or think, that you're the temptress, that he wouldn't do anything if YOU just weren't the initiator. I think he has ZERO guilt. He just seems like a master manipulator to me. I know you don't want to see that, and pretty much REFUSE to see it. As for him wanting to be "friends"?? Another big BS..That is not what he wants. It's only a matter of days before you're in bed with him again. He'll act all guilty, and say it shouldn't have happened, and then the whole damn cycle will start over again.

 

Please don't become the OW again. I can't tell you how much I don't want to see that happen, but I fear it will,and then we will see you posting again down the road about how your heart is breaking yet again. He is not leaving his wife and kids; you know that, and he knows that. He dropped you 17 months ago because he got caught. He now wants to reignite the affair, regardless of what he says. He thinks he's safe for the time being.

 

Best wishes.

 

I think these are some pretty harsh assumptions. Maybe it's because I don't know the whole history, but it's not fair to judge someone elses feelings or intentions. Nobody knows this man as well as she does, so I would lend towards trusting her instincts and letting it play out the way she wants it to. I think at this point she knows all the risks involved.

[twinsmom]

Perhaps, but as you say, you DON'T know the whole story. I've followed it since the beginning. Perhaps there is some transference going on here. You've decided that you're happy with the status quo, and want to believe that you have an ally in your acceptance of your situation. Harsh? Nope. Just honest, on what I've observed over the years. And remember, I'm a former OW in case you don't know MY story. Kismet will never be happy being the OW. She wants more. You have made your peace being the OW for the time being. I don't think Kismet can do that. I don't think she WANTS to be the OW. So please reserve your judgments unless you do know the whole story.

[twinsmom]

Oh, and Karma..I've been there. I know of what I speak. Your MM is not going to leave, and Kismet's MM is not going to leave. I look forward to the both of you coming back and letting us know that your story was different. Sarcastic? Yes. But you see, I have been there. I have been with someone, just like you, who professed his love to me. I hope yours is different. I hope Kismet's is different. But I doubt it. Sorry if that makes you mad. Please let us know when your MM leaves his wife.

[KarmasTestDummy]

Oh, and Karma..I've been there. I know of what I speak. Your MM is not going to leave, and Kismet's MM is not going to leave. I look forward to the both of you coming back and letting us know that your story was different. Sarcastic? Yes. But you see, I have been there. I have been with someone, just like you, who professed his love to me. I hope yours is different. I hope Kismet's is different. But I doubt it. Sorry if that makes you mad. Please let us know when your MM leaves his wife.

 

I respect that. You certainly don't upset me. I came here for that very reason...to learn other people's experiences. I know the likelihood is not great...but in all fairness u are not me' and he is not ur exmm. I think mm was on his way out the door before I met him.

[awkward]

This is not good KG. Nothing about this is good for YOU. Step back and think about how far you've come. Do you think you can handle getting all twisted up again about MM?

 

You know he isn't leaving. You know he loves his wife. You know he makes love to his wife. These are things that you couldn't deal with before. But let's say that you can deal with them now. Where does this leave you? Will you ever fall in love, get married, have children, etc. with MM in your life?

 

You tried the friends thing. It didn't work because he always ended up in your bed. But first he would make you "tempt" him so he could continue with the "guilt" game.

 

I hope you find the strength to walk away again and if you can't, I hope you at least find the strength to not allow him your body. I don't think he is looking for just an EA.

 

OT: How did you do on your exams? Are you Dr. KG yet?

[twinsmom]

Well, that is great for you. And I mean that. But Kismet's guy has never said he is leaving; in fact, he has said repeatedly that he is NOT. I just don't want to see her fall back into the same situation she was in before. And I fear that that is what is going to happen. She was so utterly broken when he cut things off before. I do not want to see her here months from now in the same situation, with the same heartbreak. You ARE happy with the status quo, for the time being, but are you really?? I tried to tell myself that I was okay with that, but I never was. I wanted him for my own, but it wasn't to be. You can convince yourself that you are fine, but are you really? Making love to his wife? Yep, that happens, whether you believe it or not. Holidays together. He probably carves the turkey on Thanksgiving day. They do the Santa Claus thing together. They go on vacations together. You can believe that those things never happen, but they do. And he is happily doing it.

[awkward]

I think these are some pretty harsh assumptions. Maybe it's because I don't know the whole history, but it's not fair to judge someone elses feelings or intentions. Nobody knows this man as well as she does, so I would lend towards trusting her instincts and letting it play out the way she wants it to. I think at this point she knows all the risks involved.

 

This is a forum about relationships which deals with feelings/intentions.

 

Many believe KG's MM a manipulator. (KG has disagreed.) I don't think that is judging him. People read what she describes and see manipulative behavior. He's played this temptress game with her before.

 

She may know all the risks involved but she did post a thread and asked for support to help her get back on track.