A step-back; a break with my lover - need collective experiences about reconciliation

[HopelessinDTW]

Do you look back at seemingly pivotal moments in the relationship and think "Yep, this added to the problems." or "This was the clincher - the beginning of the end."

 

I almost feel compelled to find the answers of what went wrong. This break-up I can only analogize to a foundational shift and reanalysis of my entire life.

 

I really saw myself getting old with her, and I know that she felt the same.

 

What happened?! It is driving me up the wall. My heart is still breaking, and I miss her so much, even though the destiny we once shared is gone, replaced by two distinct ones.

 

I'm lamenting. Could I have saved this in some way? Was this break-up my fault? What things could I have done differently? "Sadness" as a word doesn't even describe what I'm feeling right now.

 

I really believe life provided a set of obstacles that we could not completely overcome. She finished school, and immediately found a job that she loved. Her parents got sick at the same time. She was all consumed and I tried to help her through it. The "beginning of the end"

(at least for me) was a six month stretch without sex. Everything seemed to change. I really asked her to go with me to see a councilor about the problems we had. We went for a couple of sessions, but she drifted away from it like leaves in the fall. Why? Why couldn't you have worked on the relationship then, rather than hoping happiness and relationship success would fall in your lap???

Do not...I repeat do not try to figure out what you could have done to make things work out. I did this for a long time, and everytime I tried to "figure out what went wrong"...I'd go around in circles. The reality is that you COULD have done things differently, but in most cases that wouldn't have fixed anything. One poster here (I believe iheartboobs) had her ex write down all the things she wanted him to change to become an ideal husband. He did everything she asked for, and at the end she still cheated on him. Stop beating yourself up, and remember that it takes two to tango, and she's as responsible as you are for the marriage going south. Look at things you have done wrong, talk to a councelor if you have to figure these things out. Own up to those mistakes, but not her's. If she's having an affair...which looks like she is...that's not your problem. She's 100% responsible for the affair, and she doesn't own up to it because she's too much of a coward to admit it to you.

 

But you're doing the right thing now...completely ignore her. You have no kids...so this is going to be easier (yes much easier) as time goes on. You'lll ses that in a few months you're perspective will change, and you will begin to move on. Just hang in there, and take the advice given to you here.

[FreeNow]

Have any men had this same experience? I have a strong desire for sex, but I want nothing to do with an emotional attachment because my emotions are still centered around the woman I love.

 

Yep, over twenty years of it for the same woman. I married twice (completely different women) during that time, raised a family, and built a second career. I loved my wives dearly, albeit somehow differently.

 

Snap out of it man! You are in control of who you choose to love. Keep this way of thinking up and you'll suffer till your death bed.

 

As to your former girlfriend... From here, it looks as though you were used; financially, emotionally, whatever. She panned your stream for whatever she was looking for. She'd like to keep her claim just in case things don't pan out as well in other streams. Wanna spend the rest of your life as someone's second/third/etc choice? I don't and never will again. In my second marriage, we reconciled again and again and again until I was fed up and so were our children. She only seemed to be a decent person when I could be a total a-hole and/or could provide for her every need. That's not the way I want to live life and frankly it took more of my energy than I was willing to expend on the venture!

 

*If* your former gal runs up debt, can't find someone new, life crashes down on her, the moon looks just right, so on and so forth; she'll be back for whatever she selfishly needs. However, be careful of what you wish for! No amount of years will erase the knowledge that you were never her first choice. She won't ever respect you either.

 

Resolve to start over with someone new and leave this one by the wayside.

 

 

 

(For those that want to throw any shaming language at me; save your breath... not bitter or any of the other usual lines; enjoying the hell outta life now and I'm trying to shake the rabbit, motivating him to run lest the dogs get him.)

[poopierabbit]

Thank-you for the clarity and insightful post. You haven't been the only one to tell me I was being used, but I just didn't want to see it.