We love each other, but his family hates me

[CatKittyFish]

I'm 18 years old, but I understand alot about life....to much sometimes. I grew up with all adult friends, and I understand alot of things regular adults don't. (I'm not just saying that, my councelers tell me that) I've been in a wonderful relationship with a guy that is one year younger then me, but just as machure. ( I can't spell worth a darn ) He and I have been friends for over 5 years. Our relationship is not physical, its emotional, we love eachother for who we are. We have been through some rough times, but we always manage to make it out. We believe that with God, we can make it through anything. (There is a point to this, I am getting to it )

 

His mom has never liked me, I don't know why, I never did anything to her, but she still doesn't like me. I have even gone out of my way to be what she wanted just so she would like me. It didn't work. Resently, I turned 18, and not 3 days before that, did she put a restraning order aginst me so that me and Brad could have no contact at all. She is doing everything she can to keep us apart, matter of fact, I am going to court to get this stupid thing taken off, and she said even if I did win, she was going to move Brad away so he couldn't see me. I have talked to him, and we have decided the only way to beat his mom in this thing is to make sure she can never come between us agian. We where going to get married when he was 21...that would make me 22, because of money probems. (having money for a house and money to pay bills and stuff like that) Just trying to make sure we started out the right way. Well, I am waiting for him to get out of highschool (I'm going to college) we are going to get married as soon as he is 18, that way his mom can never seperate us agian. Right now we both have jobs. Actully I have to be put on medicare because of some health issues.

 

To get to the question, I want to make sure that I am doing what is right. I Love Brad more than anything, and I love him more and more each day. My mom even says that we me and him have is something most adults never see. We are both really tierd of the way his mom is treating us. We know we are going to get married eventuly, I know that he loves me, and I love him, and we want to be together forever. I'm just worried about stuff like where to live, how to pay the bills...you know, stuff like that. Anyone have any advice?

 

Felicia

[moimeme]

What are his plans? Is he going to go to college? If so, are his parents paying?

[dyermaker]

Don't marry him so that you'll be together.

 

When he's eighteen, he can move out of the house, and begin a life with you. I can't wait until I'm eighteen, and I can leave home with the girl that I Love.

 

But don't marry him just to be together. He'll soon be an adult, and his mom can't control him any longer.

[carla]

Dyermaker has a very good point. You get married for love not to escape, otherwise you'll be tring to escape from each other. In this day in age it is not a cardinal sin to live together.

[CatKittyFish]

I think you all just miss understood me somewhere. We do love eachother, and we want to get married, we where just hesatent about being so young, both of our parents married young and got divorced and all that. He wants to be with me, we do want to be married, we love eachother very much . I also forgot to metion that his mom is using his autism agianst him so that she can have control over him for the rest of his life. The only way to get her to stop pushing us around and to actully be happy agian without her interfering is if we get married. Right now she is saying that she is going to move him so that me and him can't see eachother if he continues to see me after the restraning order is gone. All me and him want to do is be happy together....and to get married to eachother. We mean the world to eachother. We want to have a farm and a family and all that, and just for people to leave us alone really. We just want to be together.

Felicia

[dyermaker]

These days, love isn't enough for a successful marriage.

 

You're wrong about marriage being the only way to stop his mother from controlling him. When he is eighteen he is an emancipated adult. I recomend not getting married to solidify a relationship, ESPECIALLY if you love him.

[Wolvesbaned]

My goodness, this is the sweetest thing I've heard in awhile. I wish both of you the best of luck and a lifetime of happiness!

 

You must already know the comments about how 18 is young and that marriage is a serious commitment -- so I won't preach. But please recognize how his Mom's hatred and meddling has an influence with you getting married now instead of when he turns 21. I do not doubt that your love for each other is real. But having a plan and being prepared for your life together is very important.

 

It won't hurt to think it out some more & formulate a plan. For instance, does he want to go to college too? Some places are more affordable to live than others, so moving might be an option. Do you guys currently have debt? Would you be willing to move and transfer to a different college? Find out what the cost of rent is where you're at and itemize all your expenses and debts. You'll have a better picture of what to do when you know exactly how much your expenses will be on a monthly basis. This way you will know if it is "possible" to marry when he turns 18. As you know, love alone won't pay your bills.

 

BTW both of you may be able to go to college and make-do by Student Financial Aid and part-time jobs. It will be "tight" but me and my husband are living proof that it is possible.

 

*I want to give you a BIG-OL hug for sticking by each other and giving your relationship the thought and care it needs for your future success and happiness.*

[cosmic_muffin]

My husband and I have been together since we were 16 (ok, so we're on the rocks now, but still) when we started dating his father hated me from day one. He tried everything he could to make it hard on us. He would either ground him for dumb stuff, send him on errands to keep him busy or outright tell him not to see me. His father would take the car, so I'd come pick him up. I wasn't even allowed in their house at one point! His father refused to even let him come to my HS graduation! I wanted to move out, so my hubby (boyfriend at the time) moved out with me. We lived together for almost 2 years, from 18-19. It NEVER got better. His father would talk to me like I was trash, never approved of any choices I made or we made as a couple. When his parents would come to our house his father would make all kinds of rude comments and basically harass me non-stop. Josh rarely stood up to him and I think over the years it built a lot of resentment that he wouldn't defend me!

 

We got married when we were 19, his father said at our wedding that it was the biggest mistake of Josh's life and I would ruin his life. He barely stayed long enough for the ceremony and didn't come to the reception. I got pregnant the following year and his dad said he should get a paternity test because I was a whore. I NEVER cheated on Josh. The baby was the spitting image of Josh and I thought that my father in law might accept me a little more now...boy was I wrong. Now I can add being a "bad mother" to his list of complaints about me. We now have two sons and if they are slightly dirty, if their socks are stained from playing with no shoes on, if they need haircuts, ANYTHING! I hear about it and have to listen to all the tirades about being a horrible mother and wife.

 

My husband walked out on me for another woman this past year. We are currently seperated. His father allowed the other woman to come into their house and eat dinner with them, hang out there, and all of this BEFORE the seperation. He paid for my husband to get an apartment so he COULD leave. He told my husband if it were him he wouldn't give me child support! He basically told me he was glad Josh had left and he hoped he would never take my *^(#^$% behind back. I told him to look around I wasn't asking to be taken back! He hasn't offered a damn thing for his grandsons. I am going to school full time now and making it on my own with a little child support and the boys see my in-laws every weekend. (they watch them while I attend a Saturday class) but my father in law has been nothing but horrid to me.

 

So PLEASE don't think that by getting married his mother will like you, or be on your case less. She will probably only get worse. Then if you have kids, she'll put her two cents in on all of it. You and he need to be a united front, my husband never rose to my defense and I really resent him for it. At one point his dad grabbed my throat and scratched my neck all up when I pulled away. My husband just yelled at him a little, but didn't take any sort of stand about it. If your boyfriend can't committ to *YOU* and break the bond with his controlling mother, I would say it wouldn't be worth it, she will ALWAYS be trying to control it and he needs to nip it in the bud as SOON as he turns 18 and you can both pay your own bills.

 

A marriage is hard enough, but it is a LOT harder with someone trying to undermind it the whole time! Don't bother trying to have a sit down peace treaty discussion with her, I tried with my father in law years ago. I was NEVER good enough for his son and he didn't like having competition for control or importance in his son's life. At one point when we had been married almost 2 years I wanted to leave and he said for Josh to sit down and stay and let me go on my own. He really wanted to make Josh choose. Josh talked to him a while and then we left, but it was a passive, wimpy little boy talking to his father, not a man saying "Dad you aren't the master of me, stay out of my marriage."

 

I hope your boyfriend can do better with it than my husband did! Stand your ground! Don't let his mother bully you!

 

BEST OF LUCK!

[Moose]

Felicia,

I've read most of the replies in here, not the real long one, I skimmed over it, anyway, it sounds to me that his Mom is afraid that he won't need her anymore if you take her son away. With his autism this is going to be more difficult for her. She's defending her baby and there is no other animal that is more vicious than a mother protecting her baby.

This is just a thought for you, try to talk to her and explain that you don't mean to try to take over for her but to help her. That you want a relationship with her son, and her. Don't exclude her from anything when it comes to her son.

Imagine if you had a baby that needed special attention all her life and someone came to take her away from you....treat her the way you would want to be treated if in this situation. I'm not going to say anything about being too young to get married, I was 19 and my wife was 20 when we exchanged our vows. We've been together since, ( 16 years ) and have a 16 year old son. So it can be done and it can be great.....good luck!!

[Moose]

Another thing, cosmic muffin may have had problems talking or Josh might of had problems standing up. Don't let this change your mind about confronting her about it.

[catkitty]

lol a controlling woman his mom is huh? Maybe a lil jealous too lol Maybe she knows you are trying to get married right away and she wants him to sow his oats a little ...ya no take it easy and take your time what is the rush to get married. lol ............

[SportyChick7]

Girl! I have my boyfriends fam that does not like me either. All the advice that I can give you is....while you are not dating his family, it DOES come with the package. WHile you both want to get away, it never GOES away! i DO NOT have it close to as bad as you, but feel your pain of not having a family like you for who you are!

 

Do not let the situation rule the future. If you guys need to wait, due to financial difficlties or tough situations, then wait, God will allow the right opportunity to open up for you guys!! God Bless

[da_man_myth_legend]

men are easy to get when you are young, do something more challenging in life, like an ass busting education or a demanding job. People are different everywhere, so if this advice ain't good, dont' listen to it.

[FolderWife]

Cosmic muffin? HAAAA HA HA HA HA That is the cutest name I've ever seen!!

 

Felicia....You'll get married when the time is right. If you two truely love each other, I don't think there's anything that is going to stop you from being married. People have gotten married younger than that, and made if until death. Of course, usually that was waaay back in the old days when we didn't have so much out there to break up a marriage.

 

God Bless!

[FolderWife]

P.S. I had a boyfriend that my parents went through HELL to keep me away from, and in the end of our relationship, I wish I'd listened to them, because he turned out to be the scum they thought he was all along.

 

I think there's more to this story. Is your boyfriend allowed to date? Are his parent's really religeous? Did you two get together during a period that his mom demanded he stay single? Do you have a criminal record? There's some reason that momma doesn't want her baby to be mixed up with you.

 

My mom didn't want me and my ex together, because I wasn't allowed to date or call boys on the phone yet by the age of 16! I snuck and did it any way. When my mom found out, she FLIPPED because she couldn't believe that I'd actually do something behind her back! She couldn't believe that she couldn't CONTROL me. She almost made me quit school, so I couldn't call him on my friend's phones. I didn't even kiss him until I was 17!!! So yeah, my mom hated him, because thanks to him her little baby wasn't a baby any more.

 

Then I found out that he was a chronic lyer (someone who lies about unimportant things, for no reason....like instead of saying, "I need to clean my room." he'd say, "My neighbor shot himself, and I have to help clean his guts off his bedroom..." Instead of saying, "My mom's helping me pay for my car," he says, "I have the money in the bank...I just wanted to take out a loan to get credit."....see, there's no point in either story..he just lied!) When I found out how he lied, I just dumped him for humiliating me like that!

 

What did you do?