feelingfine Posted September 26, 2010 Share Posted September 26, 2010 After over 1.5 years separated...why can I not stop thinking of my stbx and his gf? Typical runaway husband stuff...but cmon. Can't I just move on? Knowing that they are together makes my body tremble. I have accepted the fact that I am getting a divorce, but desperately want to just not give a crap. Is it because when you are left because of an affair it just hurts twice as much? Speaking of divorce...WHY if he is the one that chose to break up the family am I the one "having" to file for divorce? Advice??? Link to post Share on other sites
willowthewisp Posted September 26, 2010 Share Posted September 26, 2010 Hi, No I don't think it's because he had an affair. I say this because my X did not have an affair (to my knowledge), but he does have a new GF (if he is still with her). It's been a year and a half for me also since he left me. When I found out I was still having trouble moving on from him and this only made it worse. I too wonder like you when I will be able to be indifferent? I REALLY want not to care because all this hurt and pain that he has inflicted upon me, I have to carry around 24/7 and I am sick of it! It really p**** me off that he gets to be so happy and carefree, whilst I am suffering at his hands! I want to be able to switch the pain off, yet I don't know how, I haven't been able to. I started IC this week, so far so good, already the counsellor has confirmed some of my thoughts about why he did this and he has also helped me to see a couple of things differently. It was only when the counsellor said something to me that I suddenly saw what we were discussing from a completely different perspective. And you know what? The counsellor was right on the money! NOW this particular incident makes sense. This was just a small part of what I need to deal with, but the relief, just from that one revelation was immense. I would highly recommended you try IC, like I said, only the first session and I am sure I have a long way to go but I sure hope it continues to help me the way it has from just this one 50 min session. Link to post Share on other sites
Author feelingfine Posted September 26, 2010 Author Share Posted September 26, 2010 Thanks Willow! IC is great help...I went weekly for the first year of our separation. Now I go for "tune ups" from time to time. If you don't mind...what was it our councelor said to make you see things differently? Guess it just takes time...time...time. Stay in touch...seems we have a lot in common! Link to post Share on other sites
willowthewisp Posted September 26, 2010 Share Posted September 26, 2010 (edited) Thanks Willow! IC is great help...I went weekly for the first year of our separation. Now I go for "tune ups" from time to time. If you don't mind...what was it our councelor said to make you see things differently? Guess it just takes time...time...time. Stay in touch...seems we have a lot in common! Without going into specifics it's difficult to explain what my counsellor said, but he offered me a different way to view something that my X said. I have been remuinerating (going round and round, over and over everything said and done by my X) for the last year and a half and it's just gotten even more messed up and confusing in my mind. What he said to me allowed me to see beyond my X's surface words. Edited September 26, 2010 by willowthewisp Link to post Share on other sites
You Go Girl Posted September 26, 2010 Share Posted September 26, 2010 First thing I think both of you have to do is, stop thinking you are weak or bad when you are down. It isn't weak to have feelings. It's not weak to feel depressed that love ended. It's normal, and it's a sign that you aren't a robot. Still waters run deep as they say. So forgive yourself for having feelings! See how ridiculous that sounds to even have to say it?! First, forgive yourself for whatever imperfections you have. Yes, you still work on self-improvement, as well all do, everyday of our lives. But forgive yourself first, worry about forgiving them later. Link to post Share on other sites
Author feelingfine Posted September 27, 2010 Author Share Posted September 27, 2010 YGG, I really don't have anything to forgive myself for. Good advice, to worry about forgiving them later. When all the hurt is gone...maybe that will come. For now...will keep on taking care of my kids and myself and accept the cards that have been delt. Making lemonade I suppose!! Link to post Share on other sites
willowthewisp Posted September 27, 2010 Share Posted September 27, 2010 For now...will keep on taking care of my kids and myself and accept the cards that have been delt. Making lemonade I suppose!! Yes, I think the point is that we would both like not to be having to feel the way we feel, rather than feeling guilty about the way we feel. Personally, I am sick and tired of having to feel this pain and sadness at the hands of my X. Many will say "well don't then" but it is not as simple as that. I guess what I am trying to say YGG is that I would like for this grieving to be over and I guess what feelingfine was saying is that she would like to know when that will be, as I think she is as sick of it as I am. Link to post Share on other sites
Author feelingfine Posted October 1, 2010 Author Share Posted October 1, 2010 Yep...well said Willow! Another weekend of watching families come and go and do things together...and me, riding solo. Yuck. Link to post Share on other sites
jeff2321 Posted October 1, 2010 Share Posted October 1, 2010 i know the feeling. I notice I'm now looking down at each person I encounter daily to see if they are married and feel completely jealous that they are married and living the familiy life and I'm not. I was going to marry my Laura but the entire thing blew up. I find that I have a heard time even hanging out with a friend with a family and kids... I'm now single and a threat because I'm a reminder of what could happen to anyone with a long term relationship (i.e. an emotionally crippling breakup of a long term relationship ). Married people simply just don't like to be around someone that is going through it. At least that is what my so-called married friends are acting like. Most of my married friends have completely disappeared off the planet and do not call to see if I'm okay or to ask how the **** I'm doing. I could be dead right now and they wouldn't even know it probably for months or years because they've written me off. JEff Link to post Share on other sites
Author feelingfine Posted October 2, 2010 Author Share Posted October 2, 2010 Jeff...so true. Even the married couples/with kids sort of fell off of my raidar when my STBX walked. I guess they just don't want to "catch" what I had. Learning to live for ourselves (and kids if you are lucky enough to have them) takes some time. Link to post Share on other sites
willowthewisp Posted October 3, 2010 Share Posted October 3, 2010 Yep...well said Willow! Another weekend of watching families come and go and do things together...and me, riding solo. Yuck. I know how you feel. I try to stay home on the weekend now, can't take it anymore it just reminds me of what I once had. I have a lot of school work to occupy me which helps, but I do sometimes sit studying on a Saturday night and think about all those happy couples, out eating dinner, movies, watching a movie at home curled up on the couch. Urgh. Link to post Share on other sites
Author feelingfine Posted October 3, 2010 Author Share Posted October 3, 2010 Willow...maybe I will get back to school and work on my Masters degree again!! I wonder if I would be able to concentrate. Will think on that one... On a bright side I am going for a 1 hour massage tomorrow!! Woohoo! Link to post Share on other sites
willowthewisp Posted October 3, 2010 Share Posted October 3, 2010 Willow...maybe I will get back to school and work on my Masters degree again!! I wonder if I would be able to concentrate. Will think on that one... On a bright side I am going for a 1 hour massage tomorrow!! Woohoo! LOL You're not going to believe this but..... I had a massage yesterday! LOL We do seem to be freakerly similar! LOL ENJOY! I was worried when I went back to school as a grad last year that I would not be able to concentrate and again this year when I backslid hard on finding out about his new GF, but I have found it really does help. Although a word of warning, I think I allowed my studies last year to mask some feelings that i really should have and still nedd to deal with in order to be able to get past what he did to me. I'm now in IC, but yes in general the study helped. Link to post Share on other sites
You Go Girl Posted October 3, 2010 Share Posted October 3, 2010 Yes, I think the point is that we would both like not to be having to feel the way we feel, rather than feeling guilty about the way we feel. Personally, I am sick and tired of having to feel this pain and sadness at the hands of my X. Many will say "well don't then" but it is not as simple as that. I guess what I am trying to say YGG is that I would like for this grieving to be over and I guess what feelingfine was saying is that she would like to know when that will be, as I think she is as sick of it as I am. Well my divorce is final tomorrow, we haven't slept in the same bed in two years, I ran to a man a few months ago and leaned on him for support and that let me down with disappointment softly. I may finally feel I forgive myself and my tbx, today, with finally some civil communication. My business has picked up immensely, I may actually be on the road to success, all alone. It's not hugs and kisses, but working isn't heartbreak either. Ironic timing? Two failed marriages behind me, I may be finding some peace within? Yeah, that's where the relief is--look within. Link to post Share on other sites
Author feelingfine Posted October 4, 2010 Author Share Posted October 4, 2010 YGG, I will be thinking of you today...as I am sure it will be a hard one. Hang in there! Good for you though with the success of your job. We will all come out of this eventually! Link to post Share on other sites
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