how to confront my bf about his cocaine use

[MicheleC]

This is my first post, but I am desperate for answers/advice! I have been dating my bf for 1 year and we have a great, balanced relationship. He told me that during a low point in his life (divorce) he used cocaine & partied alot. He has his own business, great person, business-man, lovely daughter. He is very sweet, giving, sensitive & loving....then is irratic, irrational, arguementive, paranoid, & just plain hateful! He has a script for oxycontin, hydros, and others I don't know the name of. We are supposedly building this amazing business, life, together. I have known that something is up for a while but not sure what. I ran into a girl 2 days ago that through constant persistance, she admitted he buys $200 worth of coke every other day & has for last cpl yrs. It was pure luck that I already knew this girl and ran into her, she couldn't stand there & not tell me knowing what was going on. Not long ago I lent him alot of money and he has been angry w/ me alot for not buying dinner, movies, trips, etc more often....so I regularly cover our expenses when we go out. My problem is I can't just accuse, I have to have proof....ALL the signs are there, no doubt, and now so many things about his behavior make sense. I am not so upset about the drug use as much as the constant lying, deceiving, hurtful words/actions! BUT I WON'T TOLERATE DRUG USE, DIDN'T MEAN THAT, JUST MEANT SO HURT ABOUT THE OTHER!! It is killing me to not be able to tell him what I know, but he is in an irate, irritable mood today so I know better! The girl said she would call he next time there is a "drop off" so I can just accidently see her getting in his car! What to do?? Any help or advice??

[LuckyLady13]

Oh wow. I'm sorry you're in a position like this. Are you fully prepared to break it off with him? You said you won't tolerate drug use and more importantly (from what I gather from what you said), you won't tolerate him lying to you.

 

If this girl is willing to give you a heads up on when he's getting his drugs, let her.

 

It seems to me like he knows you don't want to be with a coke addict which is why he's lying about it and hiding it.

 

A word of warning though! Catching a coke addict in the act of picking up drugs and most likely when they're "jonesin" for more could possibly get scary and/or dangerous!

 

A coke addict can be dangerous and a coke addict in withdrawals can be more dangerous. BE CAREFUL!

 

Your best bet is to probably show up where he can't see you but you can see him and watch him get drugs to verify his drug use but don't jump out and say "surprise! Caught you!" Keep it to yourself until you're in the safest possible situation.

[SarahRose]

Honey, I'm not sure what more proof you need when you already have it.

 

Ordinary people simply don't have the prescription drugs that he does.

 

Why does he have them?

 

I hope you haven't given this addict all of your money.

 

If you don't tolerate drugs then why are you tolerating it now?

[Confused728]

check out my post about my break up over drugs or trust

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t206477/

[redmelon]

this person has already broken your trust, and is probably incapable of loving you how you deserve when he is so obviously an addict running from feeling any sort of pain. It has nothing to do with you and you will be better off leaving this person behind, and thank that girlfriend for telling you the truth!

[Tayla]

sure hope the originator of this post comes back to visit. Seems odd to respond to a newcomer that was here on a weekend binder....

[NevaehM123]

I'm going to try to give you every thing I know from my experience.

I understand and respect what the others are saying, but I think they're underestimating what a drug addict is.

 

Unfortunately I have to say that your situation is probably the worse. In my opinion, being an with an addict is the biggest nightmare in the world but being with a FUNCTIONING addict is something far more painful. Because if they can go to work and make money to support their habits, why would they ever stop? but it seems like he's going in the right direction. asking for money is a sign that he's starting to lose money and as horrible as that sounds, thats where you want him to be. Doing $200 everyday is an ADDICT. And an addict will do anything possible to get his fix.

 

anyways if I keep going on about that its going to be too long, so if you want any advice on how to help an addict than feel free to ask.

 

So I'm just going to answer the main question youre asking.

 

First off. You have to remember you have your proof. Your mind and your gut is the most loyal person in this whole world. Quit using the excuse that you "have to catch him red handed to confront him." You already know for a fact he's using. Trust your gut!

My advice is that you NEVER try to trick him into getting caught. Addicts are deceivers, they know every lie in the book. Addicts are also manipulators. If you and his friend plan something up and he knows, he's going to turn the whole thing around on you and youre going to feel guilty about nothing. He's going to blame you for everything. He's not going to listen to you.

So please trust me on this. The plan to "catch" him isn't going to do any good and probably more harm.

 

The best thing to do is just straight out confront him. People respect people who wont try to deceive them and be up front.

What I say is: "I know you've been using again. And don't try to lie to me that you're not. I understand your situation and we'll try to work things out, but only if you're honest with me. Nothing will make me think differently of you unless you lie to me."

 

But the truth is, theyre not going to admit it. Theyre probably going to be mad. This is going to be the hardest part. You have to tell them that this is the path they're choosing and walk away. Say that you'll only stay if he admits it.

 

If he doesn't then go.

 

Remember, he's an addict. And in all honestly, he probably wont give a crap if you cry and beg, he wont care if you threaten him to leave. he wont care if your say youre going to hang yourself if he keeps using. Its brutal but honest. But you have to leave. You have to show him that there's no future if he's going to use everyday.

 

The three C's always reminded me to keep strong:

You didn't cause it.

You can't control it.

You can't cure it.

 

I wish you the best of luck. I remember this time in my life. It was the hardest time. I was so weak and fragile and naive about the whole world of addiction. Just remember, if you dont listen to anything i say, listen to this:

TRUST YOUR GUT

Youre going to have so many moments of "what if i'm wrong?" but you know what?

Youre NOT wrong.

[Confused728]

NevaehM123, can u read my post and let me know what u think! thanks

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t206477/