Walked in on bf in bed with another woman..

[NayWinter]

All true, the "bandwagoning" and bullying that goes on on this site is obnoxious compared to other sites I've posted on in the past, but hey, welcome to the internet. What do you expect? Rational, fair discussion? or rather to have your posting history microanalyzed in a fallacious way as if that "means" something? To have your points addressed reasonably? or just get slammed with lots of hot air accusations about who you are and what type of person you are because you aren't playing ball with the ladies? Not so sure it's "delusional" just plain privileged attitude at play, and certain people (51% of the population approximately) are used to getting their way these days by shouting, bullying and emotional manipulation generally, so why does it surprise you here? I know OP's story has changed rather facilely, again, though, welcome to the net and the world we live in.

 

This is very interesting, because I wouldn't have said the issue was a gender issue until Pickles got involved. Women were pointing out that the OP should own her bad behavior (which the OP had admitted as well), and men were defending her.

 

IMO, it is specifically Pickles who turned this into something it wasn't. Why he chose to do that was unclear - it certainly appeared that he had an axe to grind - but I suspect it has to do with his own backstory. The fact that he was angry that he was asked to explain that backstory is amusing: This poster has used the backstory of other posters to discount their opinions in other threads, so that complaint is hollow.

 

When combined with pages and pages of repeating the same criticisms, without acknowledging the OP's responses, and repeating these criticisms more loudly and more forcefully each time while insisting that those who disagree must lack reason or be embroiled in groupthink - well, this is not only hypocrisy, it's bullying behavior. I admit, I find the charge that others have bullied him to be laughable - particularly when he tries to play the gender card. As I've said, that wasn't even at play in this case, as there were defenders and dissenters of both genders, until the "victim" here -Pickles - decided it had to be, because that's I guess how he tends to see things. But that's his preconception, and I'd say he should own it.

 

I think he/she should own too. Afterall, I've owned my mistakes numerous times, even to Pickles.

[NayWinter]

Flying- You all have really helped me, and I can't thank you enough.

 

What's next? Well, I'm doing my best to stay strong and move on. XBF did contact me today and asked me to meet him. I stupidly answered his IM, however I told him that no, I won't be meeting him. He said he'd be "there" waiting for me, and hopes I change my mind.

 

I'm not going to change my mind. I guess he'll be the one looking stupid this time, sitting wherever he's at waiting for me, knowing (at least half knowing in his mind) that I'm not going to show up.

Edited September 29, 2010 by NayWinter
typo

[NayWinter]

I've read a lot about no contact on this site. I wanted to ask.. would the NC rule apply to me, since I'm the "dumper"? The reason I ask is because xbf has made numerous attempts to contact me since this happened and a few of those times, I responded.

 

I thought he'd given up until today. Not sure if I'm the one who should impliment NC, or if that was meant for the "dumpee".

[flying]

I've read a lot about no contact on this site. I wanted to ask.. would the NC rule apply to me, since I'm the "dumper"? The reason I ask is because xbf has made numerous attempts to contact me since this happened and a few of those times, I responded.

 

I thought he'd given up until today. Not sure if I'm the one who should impliment NC, or if that was meant for the "dumpee".

 

Yes, absolutely NC would apply to you too...regardless of who does the actual dumping, NC is a way to create emotional distance to ultimately promote healing, which is certainly something that I'm sure you need.

 

If you can find the strength (and I know it's hard) to resist replying to his IM's, then you'd be imposing NC. It's not meant to be a power play, but more to create a place of safety for yourself.

[NayWinter]

Yes, absolutely NC would apply to you too...regardless of who does the actual dumping, NC is a way to create emotional distance to ultimately promote healing, which is certainly something that I'm sure you need.

 

If you can find the strength (and I know it's hard) to resist replying to his IM's, then you'd be imposing NC. It's not meant to be a power play, but more to create a place of safety for yourself.

 

Thank you. I've been doing the NC for about the past week and it has been hard, but just as I started to feel a little bit better.. he contacted me. I wish I wouldn't have responded, but I'm going to go ahead an do NC from this point forward. I've found just in the past week that NC does a lot more good, then staying in any kind of contact with him.

[2sunny]

I've read a lot about no contact on this site. I wanted to ask.. would the NC rule apply to me, since I'm the "dumper"? The reason I ask is because xbf has made numerous attempts to contact me since this happened and a few of those times, I responded.

 

I thought he'd given up until today. Not sure if I'm the one who should impliment NC, or if that was meant for the "dumpee".

 

i'm glad you decided not to meet him. nothing productive would come from meeting him.

[harmfulsweetz]

I've read a lot about no contact on this site. I wanted to ask.. would the NC rule apply to me, since I'm the "dumper"? The reason I ask is because xbf has made numerous attempts to contact me since this happened and a few of those times, I responded.

 

I thought he'd given up until today. Not sure if I'm the one who should impliment NC, or if that was meant for the "dumpee".

 

 

NC would definitely apply to you too.

 

I'm glad you're staying strong, and refusing to meet him, keep up the good work

[NayWinter]

Thanks you guys.. So many of you have helped me through this and I owe a lot of the credit to your honesty, and kind words. I haven't discussed this with anyone in my life because I'm embarassed, even though I know it's not my fault. It's just that many of my friends/family had grown to not like him, and I guess I don't want to let them know that they were right. At least not yet anyway.

 

I'm so glad that I came here and recieved encouragement and kindness from most of you . Those of you who are helping me through this are helping to keep me strong. Thank you again, endlessly!

[sanskrit]

This is very interesting, because I wouldn't have said the issue was a gender issue until Pickles got involved.

 

It became a gender issue the minute anyone got ruffled due to OP being called on the violence. It's old hat, but had a man posted this thread, the replies would have been different, the outrage would have been tangible, and no one would be complaining about replies that weren't 100% supportive of OP.

[flying]

It became a gender issue the minute anyone got ruffled due to OP being called on the violence. It's old hat, but had a man posted this thread, the replies would have been different, the outrage would have been tangible, and no one would be complaining about replies that weren't 100% supportive of OP.

 

I totally disagree. Of course, this is hypothetical speculation, so we won't know until such a thing happens. But this kind of speculation is exactly what I was talking about - turning a thread about one person's issues into a thread about gender. I really, really wish people would stop doing that and just focus on the individual stories for a change.

[NayWinter]

Yeah, that would be nice. It's funny how select posters never even bothered to answer the question that I asked. They could've even answered while also throwing in their badgering.

[carhill]

She said they're just friends (they called each other best friends) and that sometimes she spends the night with him because she had a miscarriage at her house and she doesn't always feel like going home. She told me that they've spent a lot of time together, etc etc etc.. Neither admitted to having sex.

 

But, I just want someone’s opinion or as many opinions as possible as to whether you would believe this story or not?

 

Nope, it's BS. Good on ya for breaking up with him for good. Sometimes people are better off going their separate ways. You are breaking up with him for good right? Total NC? Considering the backstory and additional information provided in the thread, I think that would be best for all parties involved. Good luck

[NayWinter]

Nope, it's BS. Good on ya for breaking up with him for good. Sometimes people are better off going their separate ways. You are breaking up with him for good right? Total NC? Considering the backstory and additional information provided in the thread, I think that would be best for all parties involved. Good luck

 

Yes, I'm breaking up with him for good. Doing my best with NC... but he relentlessly blows up my phone, follows me, shows up at my house, you name it so it's been hard to go total NC. That's what I'm trying to do. We were total NC for about a week, then he started up again yesterday. I responded to him once, but not again after that, and I don't intend to again.

Edited September 30, 2010 by NayWinter
yet another typo

[carhill]

Change your phone number.

 

When my ex and I were separated but I still had her on our family phone plan, she got into a bit of trouble with a guy and ended up spending a bunch of money to go off that plan, get a new number and contract, and notify a couple hundred clients of the change. I was surprised when she did this, but after seeing the phone logs, understood completely. He was 'blowing up' her phone at all hours of the day and night.

 

Do what you have to do to maintain NC. Change your phone number. Change your e-mail. If he stalks you physically, like following you in vehicles or on foot, get a TRO. Unwelcome contact is unwelcome.

 

The way I see it is you both made some unhealthy choices in this relationship and accepting them and moving on is the clear path. You can't control what he does, only your reaction to it. How can you react that promotes health in yourself? Go with that. Good luck

[2sunny]

She said they're just friends (they called each other best friends) and that sometimes she spends the night with him because she had a miscarriage at her house and she doesn't always feel like going home. She told me that they've spent a lot of time together, etc etc etc.. Neither admitted to having sex.

 

But, I just want someone’s opinion or as many opinions as possible as to whether you would believe this story or not?

 

i'm not trying to move backwards - just trying to point something out that may be helpful to others...

 

IF he was spending that much time with his "best friend" and it was his secret - how come you didn't notice he was spending time with her?

 

when something or someone is a secret - there is always something that wrong about that. when things are right - we don't keep secrets.

 

why would he have a "best friend" and not tell you? why would he not tell you about talking to his best buddy? why wouldn't he not tell you he spent time with a friend? why wouldn't he tell you he had a friend over? oh yah, because it was wrong of him to do it that way. why would she go along with being his secret? she knew everything about you and you knew nothing about her. when things are backwards - it sets up a ton of negative energy and feelings.

 

he was counting on you never finding out. glad you did. glad you're sticking with your firm boundary!

[NayWinter]

Change your phone number.

 

When my ex and I were separated but I still had her on our family phone plan, she got into a bit of trouble with a guy and ended up spending a bunch of money to go off that plan, get a new number and contract, and notify a couple hundred clients of the change. I was surprised when she did this, but after seeing the phone logs, understood completely. He was 'blowing up' her phone at all hours of the day and night.

 

Do what you have to do to maintain NC. Change your phone number. Change your e-mail. If he stalks you physically, like following you in vehicles or on foot, get a TRO. Unwelcome contact is unwelcome.

 

The way I see it is you both made some unhealthy choices in this relationship and accepting them and moving on is the clear path. You can't control what he does, only your reaction to it. How can you react that promotes health in yourself? Go with that. Good luck

 

All very good ideas, thank you.

[NayWinter]

i'm not trying to move backwards - just trying to point something out that may be helpful to others...

 

IF he was spending that much time with his "best friend" and it was his secret - how come you didn't notice he was spending time with her?

 

when something or someone is a secret - there is always something that wrong about that. when things are right - we don't keep secrets.

 

why would he have a "best friend" and not tell you? why would he not tell you about talking to his best buddy? why wouldn't he not tell you he spent time with a friend? why wouldn't he tell you he had a friend over? oh yah, because it was wrong of him to do it that way. why would she go along with being his secret? she knew everything about you and you knew nothing about her. when things are backwards - it sets up a ton of negative energy and feelings.

 

he was counting on you never finding out. glad you did. glad you're sticking with your firm boundary!

 

I have no idea why he didn't tell me he had this "female friend" knowing that if he did tell me, I wouldn't have had a problem with it. Except for the sleeping over part, obviously.

 

The only thing that I can think, is that she was/is more than a friend and that's why he lied about it and kept it a big secret.

 

As to why I didn't notice that he was spending time with her.. Well, because he lied about what he was doing. However, I knew he was lying about something. I absolutely felt it in my gut. I just didn't know what it was until I saw it with my own eyes. Even still, he denies that she was anything more than a friend, and claims that she's not a friend anymore.

 

He says that this woman knew he didn't want her there, and she fell asleep there anyway. Another lie. She was at least partially undressed, and tucked under the covers. So she didn't "fall asleep" at all. He admitted once that she intended on staying there, then went back to the "falling asleep" story.

 

Yeah, he's a real tool.

 

Thanks for your support.

 

Edited to add: He met this "best friend" of his while we were dating. He didn't know her before that.

Edited September 30, 2010 by NayWinter
To add

[Dexter Morgan]

It's not fair to criticize another man just because he refused to be the dupe that you were.

 

 

uh, he is being criticized because he is a cheater.

 

and what dupe? I saw a cheater, and I left her:)

 

nice try cupcake

[NayWinter]

Incase anyone was wondering, the individual that has hijacked my thread with crap, is a "mormon and has five wives". He's/She's also "in a monogamus 20 year relationship" as well.

 

I read a few posts of his/hers, and all this individual does is go to people's threads and spew hate and anger. Not to mention lie like a cheap rug.

Edited September 30, 2010 by NayWinter

[Dexter Morgan]

It's not fair to characterize your ex as a "cheater" if you weren't duped by her.

 

she cheated, therfore she is a cheater. to me, the main definition of duped is to be fooled. No fooled about it.

 

so if one of the definitions of being "duped" is to be deceived or cheated, then yes, in that sense I was duped.

 

so yes, she is a cheater, and so is the OP's x-POS.

[Dexter Morgan]

Incase anyone was wondering, the individual that has hijacked my thread with crap, is a "mormon and has five wives". He's/She's also "in a monogamus 20 year relationship" as well.

 

I read a few posts of his/hers, and all this individual does is go to people's threads and spew hate and anger. Not to mention lie like a cheap rug.

 

not to mention his misogynist posts in another thread.

[Phateless]

Hello everyone. I'm not exactly new here, I've posted many times a few years ago under a different name. Anyway, it's nice to be back and I appreciate all of your responses in advance.

I'll try to make this as short as possible.

 

I had been dating my bf for 3 years. We've both been married before, myself more recently than he, and I wanted to take things slow. We were very serious, I just wasn't ready to live with him yet. I have a lot of trust issues and always have with him, and for good reasons. Anyway, sometimes I would spend the night at his house, and I have keys to his house that he encouraged me to use all the time. He always liked it when I would come over in the morning while he was sleeping, and surprise him.

 

Needless to say, a few weeks ago, I did just that. I went to his house to surprise him. I saw a car in the driveway and my heart SANK. I knew exactly what I was about to see. When I tried to open the screen door, I discovered that he had locked it. So, I broke the screen door, and used my keys to unlock the door.

The first thing I saw when I walked in was a woman's purse. Then I went into his bedroom and saw him and a woman sleeping together in his bed. They weren't having sex (Thank God.. when I saw them anyway) but he was wearing only shorts, and I saw her bare upper arms and the rest of her body was covered with the blankets on the bed that they were sharing.

 

I'm not proud of what I'm about to say, but this is what happened next..

I flipped out and woke them both up by yelling " What in the hell are you doing?" He abruptly jumped out of bed and forced me out of the room. Well, things got ugly.. I punched him in the face several times, then headed toward the bedroom where the woman was.

 

I tried to get in the door and she was pushing it shut so I started kicking it and I yelled to her " are you f%^*#$% him? " Her answer was " does it look like I'm f-ing him?) By this time my bf thought I was going to attack this woman so he held me down on the couch until I couldn't breathe.

( Please go easy on me for acting like this.. I was just in so much emotional pain and shock that I wasn't acting rationally).

 

Anyway, bf told me that he and this woman are just friends. He said that he needed someone to talk to about our relationship and some questions that he had as to why I won't move in with him.. he claimed he couldn't get those answers from me, so he needed a female's perspective. I confided things in this man that no one else in the world knows, and he told her everything about me. He knew how important my confidence was, yet he broke it and he broke it to that woman who was in his bed.

 

I told him to get her out of the house so we could talk and he refused. So I sat there ( she's still in the bedroom at this time ) until I could somewhat calm down, and when he trusted that I wouldn't attack her, he had her come out and talk to me.

 

She parroted exactly what he said to me. She said they're just friends (they called each other best friends) and that sometimes she spends the night with him because she had a miscarriage at her house and she doesn't always feel like going home. She told me that they've spent a lot of time together, etc etc etc.. Neither admitted to having sex.

I'm sorry this is so long, but I really shortened it up. There's so much more to this story, but those are the basics. I did break up with him.

 

But, I just want someone’s opinion or as many opinions as possible as to whether you would believe this story or not? I'm in so much pain ..

 

I don't believe it, and even if I did.. this "secret friendship" is such a betrayal to me, that it's something I'll never get over. Please be as honest as possible because I need honesty right now, and nothing could ever hurt me worse than what I've been going through.

 

You did the right thing, this is just TOO shady. If they were truly just friends, why on EARTH would he keep it a secret?

 

Move on and good riddance.

[NayWinter]

she cheated, therfore she is a cheater. to me, the main definition of duped is to be fooled. No fooled about it.

 

so if one of the definitions of being "duped" is to be deceived or cheated, then yes, in that sense I was duped.

 

so yes, she is a cheater, and so is the OP's x-POS.

 

X-POS, I like it

[NayWinter]

not to mention his misogynist posts in another thread.

 

Yep, saw that too.

[NayWinter]

Naywinter, take care of yourself! Don't let the trolls posting in this thread get you down. They suck just as much as your cheating ex.

 

Just be smart in the future and take care of yourself. Eat healthy, exercise, focus on your career and long term goals, and hang out with the poeple in your life who truly care about you.

 

Thank you very much . I also had to smile when you suggested posting an annonymous youtube video with his profile. I'm not going to.. but if I wanted to do something.. that would be perfect!