Will my passion ever return?

[harrellst]

I had an affair with my high school sweet heart last year for four months. We both have been married over 20 years. Being with him made me realize that I had lost all the passion in my life. I wasn't use to anyone being nice to me like he was. When we were together I told him I realized that I had to make some changes in my life with or without him in it. I thought I was happy in my life before I met up with him again but he made me feel so much more alive and passionate. Like I could change the world if I wanted too.

We both left our families and the last thing he told the last night we were together was for me to remember that no matter what happened he would always love me. That is when he went back home to talk things through with his wife and she threatened to take his kids and everything he had. He emailed that next day and said he had to stay with his family and that I needed to go home and work things out with mine. We talked a few times after that but decided that NC was the best for the both us. I know that even if we both did go Thur a divorce and get together that the relationship would have been under a strain and hard to work out. That doesn't keep my heart from aching for him. The what ifs and the what could have beens.

I know it's time to move on and get on with my life but when I try to I just keep coming back to I don't know where to go or what to do. My husband loves me dearly. I knew I was gonna break his heart when I left and I did but I didn't care. I was doing what I wanted for me. I am back with him and I can only tell him that I am here thats all. I don't feel anything or want anything. I just want to be alone. I am doing my job as wife and mother. I just haven't cared what happens. They all got what they wanted but I didn't. I know this is really selfish of me but I am a giver. I have always lived my life to make everyone else happy. I thought that it made me happy to make others in my life happy but when is it my turn? I know that makes me a different person to them since I am not running around trying to make everything in their lives perfect. We are all different now.

I realized the other night when my husband said that he didn't think we would make it till the end of the year that he was giving up on me. I am just about to push it all to far and I don't know if it matters to me. I do care deeply for him but I don't know if that is love anymore. I know the one thing that I am here for is my kids. I want them to be able to say their parents are still together Thur all these years. I want them to value the meaning of family.

I guess that's why I am here on love shack. I have read the forums Thur this hard time in my life and understand so much more. I just felt that if I got my story out of my head I could move on. I feel wrong for all that I have done and am still doing. I know it is hurting and has hurt the ones most dear to me. I know being happy is something you make up your mind to be and I should be happy. My husband has given me everything I could ever want. He works hard and is a good man. He doesn't deserve this. He is good to me in his own way and I really don't know what else to tell him. He has tried everything I suggested to make me happy. But like I told him when I first came home I can't turn him into something that he isn't.

I guess I keep thinking it will all just work out and I guess it will if I want it to end. I don't have the passion to change my life much less the world.

Thanks for listening to my pathetic story.

[whichwayisup]

It's a shame you haven't given your husband a chance. You haven't tried to truly reconnect with him and allow him back into your heart.

 

Maybe the best thing to do is let him go so he can grieve and heal, find a woman who will love him back the way he deserves to be loved.

 

It sucks for your kids, to more than likely have households to live in. DO family counseling. Infact, before you and your H throw in the towel, consider doing some marriage counselling together.

 

Wouldn't it be a sad shame if you and your H do divorce and a year from now you wake up and realize that it was him all along that you deeply loved and regret doing nothing to save/salvage your marriage, keep your family intact?

[tojaz]

I have a lot more to say but dont have the time right now. Question. Your looking for your lost passion for life yes? Did your husband take that from you?????? Or is that something you did to yourself? Be honest, because sounds like your H was fitting the bill just fine before the fling came around.

 

TOJAZ

[willowthewisp]

You say you want your children to value the meaning of family and yet for some reason you don't want that for yourself?

 

Do you understand what I am trying to get at here? You need to change your perspective.

 

From what you have said it sounds like you are not able to change your perspective because you are suffering mid life depression? Have you seen your doctor?

[MichelleZB]

I know being happy is something you make up your mind to be and I should be happy.

 

You know, that's not always true. People say that you can just "make" yourself be happy, but sometimes you can't.

 

If you are surrounded by frustrating circumstances, if you feel lost, confused, unappreciated, it can be hard to feel happy. And that wouldn't be your fault.

 

Change the circumstances of your life if you need to. What your kids need the very most from you is care from a whole person. Right now you say that you're feeling like you're unable to "give" anymore--you're unable to truly care for them the way you used to. Depression makes us like that. It makes us have less love to give.

 

Take care of yourself!

[harrellst]

No I haven't recently seen a doctor for depression but I admit that is what I feel I need to do. I know I haven't given my husband a chance and I know my kids need all of me to fulfill their love of family. I have just been worried about ME. I feel so much better today after posting yesterday. My husband suggested a picnic at the Park today and it was a lot of fun. I told him thats what I thought we needed just the unfamiliar dating process. Like we didn't have a place to be or stay. If he would treat me like I wasn't his but something he wanted, that attention is special to a woman. I told him if I were to move out that he would work his ass off to find another woman or to coax me back so why didn't he work just as hard for us? I know he deserves the same treatment but If a person thinks its all one sided, which I did for years, then I give up. I planned so many romantic weekends and got my feelings hurt by him that I didn't want to try anymore. I guess thats why and extramarital affair was so appealing. We HAD to find different fun things to do to be together but at the same time I wondered why married people weren't doing the same things. If you want it to work you have to keep it interesting for a woman. The same old same old is fine for a while but we have to have more ever once in awhile to know that they,men, truly care and make the effort.

Please keep your thoughts coming I know they will help me in the end. We have been to a consoler but she didn't seem to do much for us. I need someone to help us open the communication lines. I'm scared to talk to him because for so many years he has made me feel like my feelings didn't matter and now I know they do and I am not gonna pretend that they don't. I know now that it does matter how I feel and I want someone to care. I got married when I was 20 that was 22 years ago. My wants are different now. I needed someone to take care of me then. I don't now. I'm a successful woman with my own business that I built from the ground up. I realize that after 22 years of marriage people change and I guess I am demanding more form my marriage than before. Change is hard but I know it can be done.

[karnak]

If you want it to work you have to keep it interesting for a woman. The same old same old is fine for a while but we have to have more ever once in awhile to know that they,men, truly care and make the effort.

.

 

I'm sorry, but that is unfair. In my opinion a marriage is a relationship in which two persons are together because they enjoy each other's company. It's not a sort of "business/enterprise" in which you have to keep inventing publicity/marketing stunts to keep consumers happy and satisfied.

 

If I were a husband in such a marriage things would be really complicated. Life is quite hard just as it is. Not inclunding the stress of having to keep a spouse happy and satisfied.

 

Pay attention: I'm not saying a spouse should neglect his/her partner. That is very wrong and a rightful cause for divorce in my opinion. I hope that is not the case with your husband. If you're feeling neglected you should clearly state to your husband your needs and wishes so that he can try to improve the marriage.

 

Alas, many women (rarely men) see the marriage as some sort of "carnival" in which the husband has to keep creating new things and sensations for his spouse in order to make the relationship "interesting" and "fun". They should marry a professional clown in that case.

 

Life itself is hard as ****, unfortunately. A marriage is two people supporting each other and giving hope and strength to each other. If one of them keeps demanding what the other can't give... then it's over.

[Cedarman]

harrelist - you sound a little bit like my wife. Mid-life, waking up feeling successful and suddenly independent and thinking "is that all there is?", and dreaming that the grass is greener elsewhere. Self centered.

 

You're doing nobody any favours by viewing yourself as a martyr who is staying in a marriage because you're needed. The truth is, you're not. Sure it will hurt, but he'll get over it and find somebody else, or be happy with himself. Maybe you will too. Thinking everybody got what they wanted except you is a recipe for disaster. Unless you're willing to put equally (emotionally) into the partnership you can hardly expect your husband to do the same.

 

While you were building your business and becoming a success, what was your husband doing? Supporting you, or putting obstacles in your way? Did you ever have passion for him, or was the "passion" really neediness and a need for him to pay one-sided attention to you and be there when YOU needed him? Was your husband ever unfaithful? What drove you into the affair?

 

My advice to you would be the same as for my wife - s**t or get off the pot. You owe it to both of you to be honest and either move on or work - together - on your marriage.

[2sunny]

your posts portray you as a victim. if you feel that way, then leave. go find the happiness you're missing and allow your husband to find his too.

 

it's not his job to make sure you are happy - that comes from within. this tells us that you have a lot of work to do for yourself. please seek individual counseling.

 

the MM you were having an affair with was just a symptom of what is wrong. it was your cover up. now that you know you need to do the hard work to find what is at the bottom of it all... you.

 

your husband deserves to have a woman that loves him and is willing to put his needs at the top of her priority list - and him to you as well. you are sitting and thinking all about you. that is not loving behavior.

 

 

 

I was doing what I wanted for me. I am back with him and I can only tell him that I am here thats all.

 

not enough. simply not enough. start changing things. move. get a job or volunteer - anything so you stop thinking only of yourself. get busy living. you are certainly doing him NO favors by being there. that is your fear and over inflated ego speaking. they will be fine without you.

 

 

I don't feel anything or want anything.

 

ummm, ok... then leave with nothing and request nothing in your divorce. your husband deserves a wife that LOVES him more than any other man alive. he doesn't deserve a wife who feels nothing for him and the children.

 

I just want to be alone.

 

good - then go be alone.

 

I am doing my job as wife and mother.

 

no, you are not. be honest. a good wife doesn't cheat, deceive and hurt the family and then re-enter it as if nothing happened and make no effort to repair the damage they have done. that would just be too easy.

 

My husband loves me dearly. I knew I was gonna break his heart when I left and I did but I didn't care. I was doing what I wanted for me.

 

this is a selfish attitude... not one considering others lives or happiness at all.

 

when you moved out did you tell your husband everything about your affair? i think this is an important question that needs answered - because you state that you moved and he knew something was wrong - but i don't remember seeing that you SPECIFICALLY told him you were dating a married man and that is why you moved. did you tell him that? did you tell him it didn't work out and THAT is why you came home? does he know he was now YOUR second choice? i bet not. most men wouldn't want to go back knowing they weren't your first choice. if he did - then he also needs counseling to understand why he thinks so little of himself that he would be with a woman that doesn't love him much... or if at all. i'd love to know what your honest side says...

[blizzard]

Regardless of what others say...(((I understand you))). Completely.

 

There are givers. And there are takers. And the givers just get exhausted giving...and not being loved in return. It's not selfish to be "tired" of maintaining a marriage.

 

When I did open up to my husband, it was freeing. A load was lifted like you wouldn't believe. I became happy! And he became angry because I was so "okay." Unfortunately, he still refused to validate how I felt. And instead accused me of having an affair, which was untrue. Although later, after awhile into seperation I did. And I regret it. Because it complicated everything. The way I felt. And covered up the very nature of what was wrong in our marriage.

 

I think your heart is still healing from xMM and that makes it difficult to move forward with your husband. You are going through a "breakup" with xMM so it is hard to invest emotionally into your marriage. You may never. You probably feel torn to do the right thing. You have children you love. You want a family for them. But you just don't love your husband. You feel guilt for not being able to love your husband. It's hard to leave when others make you feel damned for doing it. But damned if you stay.

 

I believe the others are being too hard on you. A little extreme. Especially comparing your expectations from your husband to a carnival! geesh. Obviously you just want more special moments, surprises, date nights from him. A simple, "I want to take you to New York for your 40th Birthday! It's where you have always wanted to go...and we've been married 20yrs now so..." Or maybe even something smaller...just special. You aren't asking for a dog and pony show every night.

 

You're hurting. And your faced with a big decision...a life changing one. No one knows your marriage and what you both have put into it better than you. Failure to communicate will cause two people grow apart. Going in different directions. Before you know it...you don't know each other anymore. My counselor referred to it as an emotional disconnect. And unfortunately, the physical part of our relationship was awful. So we have had no life line to rebuild our marriage. And it's difficult to reconnect! Especially when you just want to be left alone... ((hugs)) I understand.

Edited September 28, 2010 by blizzard

[tojaz]

You aren't asking for a dog and pony show every night.

 

The question is, has she ASKED for anything. Like I said in my previous post (which was ignored) Sounds like her H was fitting the bill, until an affair "opened her eyes".

 

I think she is learning what she needs out of her marriage, but went the very worst way to go about it. I dont think most of the posters are trying to be hard on her as much as maybe asking her to see the whole picture. This is very much how my D played out, having her eyes opened by another man... who himself was a WAS. All of a sudden she had realized that she was not doing the things she had used to love. Something I had been noticing and trying to encourage her in for years. Didn't stop it from being all my fault though.

 

Just keep things in perspective, and look at all sides, including his! If you want help read some of my threads.

 

TOJAZ

[Woggle]

I hate to keep being the sexist but this is a typical case of a woman taking all of her issues and unhappiness and projecting them into her husband. If this marriage is not what you want then leave but don't blame him for it and don't act like the victim when you are the one who betrayed him. He probably could have given you the universe and you would still feel the same way. I am sorry for being so harsh but stop seeing yourself as the victim in this. Also you are in the affair fog and pining for this OM.

[2sunny]

I hate to keep being the sexist but this is a typical case of a woman taking all of her issues and unhappiness and projecting them into her husband. If this marriage is not what you want then leave but don't blame him for it and don't act like the victim when you are the one who betrayed him. He probably could have given you the universe and you would still feel the same way. I am sorry for being so harsh but stop seeing yourself as the victim in this. Also you are in the affair fog and pining for this OM.

 

i agree completely - but one thing hasn't been addressed - has she even been honest with her H about her affair?

 

if she hasn't told him her truth - he may not even understand why she is unhappy. fog or not - she's mainly thinking of herself right now.

[harrellst]

Thank you blizzard for your kind words. I can tell you do really know how I feel. I am not asking him to make me happy everyday. I am just asking him to try to help us be happy together. I have catered to him for so many years. I think the man who provides for his family deserves that but that man should also respect his wife for making his house a home. I deserve a little happiness and nice gestures too. He asked what it was I wanted from him when I came back. What it was that the OM was doing that was so much better than what he was doing. It took me a while to think it Thur and that is what it came down to. He was nice to me he sent me notes just to say he had fun. or sent links to songs he thought I would like. He planned things for us to go and see that he thought I would be interested in. He seemed to act like he cared when I was hurting and he was happy when I was happy. That's what made me realize I wasn't getting that at home. I didn't go looking for those things in another relationship. I had no idea life was like that for anyone. When the OM told me he could tell I wasn't use to anyone being nice to me it really hit home.

 

I don't believe people should change for the other person. You are who you are. If that person doesn't like you for who you are then it isn't right. I was fine with who he was and who I was. I was wrong to have an affair and I wish I had never done it because now I know that life could be better. The grass may not be greener, its still grass, your still gonna have problems with that grass and I have not history with any other grass but I would just like to throw some round up on this grass I have and start over again. If that is possible. LOL

 

To answer the other questions in some of the other replies. I thank you all truly for all your words. I want the hard truth the harsh opinions thats fine. I just need to be jolted out of this pity party attitude and like you said or I say "piss or get off the pot"

 

Yes, it is a mid life empty nest for me. My son went off to school last year. A big step for all of us. I don't think I woke up successful and independent and wondered what am I missing. I did it for us. I make jewelry. I started doing it so I would have something to do while I sat on the couch with him watching the shows he wanted to watch. I didn't mind it at all. But NO he didn't support me when I quit my full time $15 an hour job to start my own business. He thought it wouldn't last a year, its been 8 now. But I am the kind of person that works harder at something when people don't think I can do it. Another reason I am still in this marriage. No one thought our marriage would work from the beginning. It's been a rocky 22 years.

 

Yes he has cheated on me 16 years ago. After I supported him through a drug addiction problem. I left with my one year old son and thats when he decided to go to rehab. We moved to another state to start over. Within a year he cheated and I moved on. Three months of living with his OW he saw that I was going on without him just fine he decided he wanted me back. I didn't take him back at first. Separated for 6 months. He moved back to his home state 3 hours away. I took my son to visit him for his birthday and well we have a 15 year old daughter now. You put it all together. I have always been and independent person. My parents have bragged on me for that all my life.

 

TOJAZ-----As for the PASSION I don't really know where it went. I just think that over the years of having all these dreams of romantic weekends and getting my feelings hurt I lost it. We would go on trips that I had planned for us and wind up in front of the TV in a hotel room. Its to where I had more fun with our friends than being alone with him so whenever he had time off I planned stuff to do with our friends. I knew there would be no disappointments there. I didn't really realize it was gone until my OM told me that he liked the way I was so passionate about all the things I did and said. It made me take a look again at the life I was living. I know I still have my passion for my jewelry and my work. My customers are the best things to me. They praise me for doing such beautiful work. I don't know if my kids have taken it from me either. Its a challenge raising teenagers with not much support. I worry as any parent does if I have done all that I can do for them. But that challenge and worry does get depressing at times. I can't expect them to be that for me I am the parent I am the rock I carry the weight of the problems. Thus less passion.

 

I am sorry for the delayed response. The LS web site kicked me off and I had to start it all over. I will read some of your threads. Thanks.

[harrellst]

Yes, I was honest about the affair. He knew I was leaving him for another man. He wanted me to come back and I did. He knows he is second choice. I wanted to move out on my own after the affair was over to work this all out in my head but he wanted me to stay. I am here. It has been hard to think it out under the same roof.

 

Yes, I asked him what he wanted from our marriage and me. He said Sex. Well thats not to hard I can do that. But there is no emotion there. He wants his old wife back the one that waited on him hand and foot and never complained about anything. The one that he could have sex with any time he wanted. The one that takes care of everything so he can sit and watch his TV when he isn't working.

 

I didn't really know I was coming across as being a victim. I know what I did was wrong and I know we both deserve to have more in life. But can we some how do this together. Does it have to be so hard to be together and happy? Why do I have to ask him to be nice to me? All I can tell is I need a little attention, praise and appreciation and I would be his loving obeying faithful wife again. But why should I have to beg or act out for that attention. Is that fair? Is that being selfish?

 

Thanks again for the harsh words. Like I said I want all angles so I can get Thur this. I know in the end you all will help me figure out what I need to do to work it out or let it go.

[whichwayisup]

Either go to marriage counselling and sort this out or divorce. you say he is your second choice. That must suck for him. Sorry but you two have serious communication issues and some resentment built up. Each of you have to come clean and TALK. Be completely honest and go from there.

 

Is the A over or are you still in touch with the OM?

[The-Zen-Warrior]

harrellst :

 

I'm not here to take your inventory, I think enough of that has been done already. But I am here to give you my opinion, you can take it or leave it, that's up to you!

 

I personally feel that this marriage you are in is a very toxic relationship! I feel that it is very toxic to both yourself and to your Husband. I personally feel that silence has been your worst enemy here.

 

My take on this, is that your silence for years has hurt you the most. I'm not hearing to much, in all your posts, about how you and your Husband are sitting down and doing some much needed talking. yeah, I'm hearing that there is some communication going on, but in my opinion, maybe not enough.

 

Yes your Husband had an affair 16 years ago, you had your affair last year, my belief is that "two wrongs do not make a right"!

 

Have you thought that maybe some professional help might be in order? Maybe a marriage counselor, or maybe some (one on one) therapy for yourself? Have you tired reading materials and or exposing yourself to subject matter that is written or designed to advise you on how to put some "spark" in ones relationships? Have you thought about the option of adding a heightened level of "spontaneity" in your marriage? Have you thought about "un-plugging" the TV and just playing a board game, while sipping on some wine and engaging in good meaningful conversation? How about the idea of "dinner and a movie", while eating maybe engaging your Husband in meaningful chit-chat and when inside the theater maybe some innocent bouts of hand holding, kissing, groping......something!

 

Sounds like to me that this "other man" from last year was some sort of Don Juan. This "other man" tickled and stimulated parts of you that were either not there, and or just had layed dormant. Now you have to figure out for yourself, how to get those same feelings and sensation with your very own Husband.

 

I hate to inject how I do things, but to be honest with you, you need to un-plug and throw away your Husbands TV. This is one reason I do not allow TV's in my house! For me TV is nothing more than a distraction, for me it got in the way of my relationships, my former marriage included. I remember times like you described that you would whisk yourselves away on a vacation, all but to find yourself smack dab in front of a TV in a hotel room! I at one time in my life was guilty of the crime of "neglect of a wife" due to technology, for me it was computer games, thank gosh that's been over for over 2 years, talk about a waste of time!

 

You said something that might be in-line with what I'm talking about...

 

"All I can tell is I need a little attention, praise and appreciation and I would be his loving obeying faithful wife again."

 

If you need that little bit of attention, have your Husband turn off the "boob-tube" and focus a little time on you! Tell him this! As far as the "praise" part, well for me 2 + 2 ='s 4 here, for if one pays attention to someone, and it's positive, than praise isn't to far behind. If you both are willing to give each other that "attention" and "praise" than I don't see why, in time, there wouldn't be some "appreciation" as well. Now your exit statement in that quote above, about how you would be his loving obeying wife again, I'm not going to go there with you! That for me, is a very large door that is wide open for some inventory taking, I promised I would try to refrain...

 

In the end, it all boils down to how much "effort" and "energy" are you and your Husband are willing to put into your marriage, as to make it work. And I'm not talking about just making it work to the point of "getting by" but working like you both want it. He needs to stop watching the TV and you need to start pipping up about your wishes and wants!

 

I don't know if any of my post made any sense!

 

I hope you got something out of reading this!

 

"Good luck"

Edited September 28, 2010 by The-Zen-Warrior

[karnak]

Unfortunately, I'm getting more and more disgusted with humanity lately...

 

Nothing to do with this thread in particular. It's just that I'm getting convinced that most men and women aren't fit (or made) to keep healthy, long-lasting relationships.

 

In the beggining of this year a scientific study was published which stated that only 1 out of 10 relationships was based on true love. At first I think they were wrong.

 

Now I see they were right.

 

Most people either:

 

a) are in a good relationship and suddenly decide to "wipe their ass on it" just for selfish and immature reasons.

 

or

 

b) waste their life and mental sanity away in toxic and unhealthy relationships

[tojaz]

Harrellst, Good, now were getting a better picture. I hear all the things you do for your H, and all the little things you want from him so that you feel loved. I dont see what you were doing so that he felt loved. Keeping house, watching kids is nice, but not the same.

 

When my ex left, she had told me how I didn't appreciate what she did around the house or the things she did to keep our life running. She took on a lot cleaned the house, cooked, etc. Most of the time forbade me to help. I appreciated that, but thats not a wife. I can do all those things for myself and have been for quite awhile now. Sex? well if thats all a person wants, thats pretty easy to find as well. Its all appreciated, but it doesn't really make a person feel loved like the little notes and romantic gestures your hoping for. Us guys like that stuff too. (DOnt tell anyone, big secret )

 

In other words, you usually get what you give. How did you try to do that for him?

 

TOJAZ

[tojaz]

double post! little help mods!

[trippi1432]

Hi harrellst,

 

Now that more of your story is out there, I have to ask...how did you resolve your feelings of the affair your husband had 16 years ago. You state that you now have a 15 year old daughter and "you can put it all together" I believe was your statement on that.

 

I noticed some other things you've stated: "If he would treat me like I wasn't his but something he wanted, that attention is special to a woman." AND "Yes, I asked him what he wanted from our marriage and me. He said Sex. Well thats not to hard I can do that. But there is no emotion there. He wants his old wife back the one that waited on him hand and foot and never complained about anything. The one that he could have sex with any time he wanted. The one that takes care of everything so he can sit and watch his TV when he isn't working."

 

I can relate a little to these things that you state. While not the same situation, I felt trapped in my marriage. It was an emotionally and verbally abusive marriage (admittedly, on both sides). More often than not, I felt more like property than like a human being with feelings and emotions. Like you, the only time I was afforded much attention was when he wanted sex. Some people do not understand the difference between sex and intimacy. Some think that if you are having sex, then you are being intimate....that's when passion is lost. The act itself is not the sum of all parts in relation to passion.

 

Since the affair your husband had, was there any intimacy? How often did he just do things out of the blue to make your day? How often did he put effort into thinking about something you would like to do or something that he knew you would want? Did you do any of these things yourself, or did it just become complacency in your marriage with the prior infidelity due to unresolved issues?

 

I'm not condoning the fact that you had an affair, myself, I don't think that it resolves anything in a marriage. But I do recognize the fact that the attention that you got from it was something that you felt was missing for a long time in your marriage. But do you really feel that this happened, or is there still some hurt left from his infidelity that makes you feel that way?

 

Just as a guess....but looking at it from another angle, you probably felt this with your affair partner...BUT, do you feel that the inevitable reward for him was sex? Even more so, an excitement about having sex outside of the marriage? Not beating you up over the affair, but exposing a vulnerability you may have had due to unresolved feelings over your husband's infidelity. That takes something out of a person, it dampens the passion and can create a veil of depression or unhappiness (resentment) in a marriage. In all these years, how did your husband atone for his infidelity and living with his OW for 3 months? Other than you getting pregnant and having another child, how did you forgive him and how did he show you he could be trusted again? How did you see him as a man and how did he see you as a woman (not just a husband/not just a wife)?

 

I don't think that you have lost passion, you seem to still have passion for life...something that was always there. I do feel that you stifled both passion and intimacy because the hurt was not resolved. Two wrongs don't make a right, but now your husband is on the other side of a woman who has "woken up" and is an independent person, how do you look back on the way your marriage was before the first infidelity....what drew the two of you together then?

 

My apologies for all of the questions, but just generating some thought.

[Cedarman]

harrelist - from your recent post, it's obvious that there have been some problems with your marriage in the past. What or why did you stay? What's changed or what were you hoping would change that didn't? And what was the tipping point that brings you to your current decision? Whatever you thought you had with the other man was probably false - it was an illusion for one or both of you. If it were real, you'd be together now. Think about the other man with the stresses of daily life instead of the 1 or 2 hour vacations from reality. You have to separate your thoughts from other people and decide what YOU want. If you want to stay in your marriage, then go at it 100%. Give your husband a chance to hear your views and talk HONESTLY to him - don't assume we pick up the hidden signals.

 

Marriage is hard work - but worth it IF you're both committed. If you're not, then move on - it will be better for both of you.

[harrellst]

WHICH WAY IS UP......Yes the A is over since January. Yes I know we need to communicate I just don't know how. Its like he isn't open to what I have to say. He just wants his old life back.

 

THE ZEN WORRIER........We did go for some counseling but It didn't help to much. Yes we worked on the Marriage Builders Website. We tried to open the communication lines but they keep getting shut down. I just can't get passed the fact that I am trying to change him or when I do ask for a little bit of his attention He makes is sound like I am asking for to much. Like I told him if I wasn't living with you right now and you wanted us to stay togeter you would be calling me coming by to see me and giving me all sorts of attention. or if it weren't me you wanted you would be chasing after someone else. So why am I asking for so much? If he wants it to work he has to work for it. RIGHT? Why do I have to keep fixing it?

 

Yes thanks what you say does make sense and that is where I am headed now. I have to start saying what I need and not setteling for less.

 

KARNAK........I think your right. People are selfish but why should they not be ever so often. Is that not what makes people healthy? In then end your only gonna have yourself so you have to take care of yourself. I am not saying I am done with my marriage but I see selfishness on both sides and somehow we have to come to a middle ground again.

 

TOJAZ..............I did little notes, left candy bars, put surprises in his lunch box, suggested we meet on the roads when our paths were gonna cross just to give him a hug and a kiss. Welcomed him home in sexy cloths, planned romantic trips to places he liked to go. What I got was nothing, hurt feelings mostly. I use to tell him all the time I wished he would tell me he loved me more. He does not that our marriage is so rocky. Its not as meaningful of a gesture if you have to beg for it.

 

 

Trippi1432................Well I let him go 16 years ago. It hurt like hell. But I decided if he didn't want me then I sure as hell didn't want him. I got my own place and took care of myself. It was good for me I built alot of self confidence in that time of my life. But when he did see me doing so well without him I was suddenly appealing to him again. Not so clingy/needy I guess. We talked it out and moved on. We swore never to talk of it again/forgive and forget/the past is past. I didn't throw it in his face and he didn't try to hurt me with it. We had our family and worked it out moved on and let it go. I don't think or feel it was an issue and I don't think I had an affair for revenge. I could have done that easy enough sooner if that was an issue. He loved me and I loved him.

 

Yes, I do remember intamacy. I remember deep feelings of love and admaration for him. I do not remember him ever doing anything out of the blue to make me happy. No surprises no thoughful gestures. But yes in the affair the OM did these nice things daily. I thought that sort of behavior was only in the movies. Fantacy relationships. Dreams. Story books.

 

He is a good man. He takes care of me. He is 6 years older than me and thats what I needed 22 years ago. Now I need him to WANT me not to just take care of me.

 

Thanks for your words all!!!!

[The-Zen-Warrior]

THE ZEN WORRIER.

 

Are you trying to say something here? Are you trying to convey in a stealth like way that I am some sort of "worry wart"? I could only notice that you kept everyone else's names you acknowledged in the post, accurate, but mine seemed to have gotten "lost in translation" somewhere.

 

No biggy, no fuss, but if there was a subconscious message being sent I find it rather amusing! Trust me there is very little to almost no "worry" inside this Zen Warrior! Just read my signature bellow anything I post................Mountains don't worry, it is the breeze that needs to worry!

 

This is funny.................

[Gunny376]

In school we learn the three "R's" ~ Reading, Arithmetic, and Writing.

 

But no where not in elementary, middle school, high school, nor even college are we taught about the two most basic and necessary things to succeed in life. (Actually in 2010 its three)

 

1. Interpersonal Relationships ~ and how to act and behave ~ and be successful with such

 

2. Personal Finance

 

(3. How to shop for groceries and make wise decisions about our diet ~ along with common sense choices such as not doing drugs, drinking alcohol and using tobacco to excess)

 

With that said, it falls upon each and everyone individual to become self educated.

 

For most that means acquiring a lifetime of experience? Which by definition means spending a lifetime in acquiring it?

 

God only knows where I would be NOW had I known thirty years ago what I know now?

 

It sure as Hell wouldn't be where I'm at ~ I can promise you that!

 

But that's all so much water over the damn and under the bridge ~ no sense crying over spelt milk, nor what's 'done and did'

 

What was?

 

Was!

 

What is?

 

Is!

 

And what will be will be?

 

Will be!

 

A lot of folks expend a hell of a lot time, effort and energy worrying about the past, the present and the future?

 

Which is nothing more than a waste of time, effort and energy!

 

Worrying about the past? Why?

 

What's 'done is done!"

 

Worrying about the future? Why?

 

You've only so much control over it? Mainly based upon your day-to-day decisions?

 

At the end of the day? You've only got the present moment. And all you can do is crawl your butt out of bed each and every day and do the best that you can do and give each day your best shot ~ the best you've got to give and offer.

 

THAT'S IT!

 

To the OP

 

You and the DH simply lack the necessary relationship skill set and tools to make this (and for both of you any relationship) to work)

 

IC & MC will help both of you a lot ~ a long with anti depresseants and anti anxitey drugs.

 

But at the end of the day IC and MC and meds are only at 'short term solution' to a long term problem.

 

Both of you need to recognize that there's a promblem and adddress it as such. Both of you need to quit "being a fool and get your @ZZ back into school.

 

Both of you need to redefine your contract and pledge of what you want and need from each other. Mentally, physcially, sexually, emotionally, financially, etc. As that has definately changed over the course of the years?

 

Both of you need to get to the bookstore and educate yourself about how to make a LTR (Long Term Relationship) work?

 

He at this point more than you? Because he's obviously not meeting your emotional needs ~ and thus your not responsive to his physical/sexual needs.

 

Its not that he's necessarly a bad guy? Its just that his dumb @zz doesn't know any better.

 

He sounds like your atypical average guy that actually believes that in so long as he doesn't drink to excess, dosen't do drugs, doesn't beat you nor the children, has a good and steady job ~ is a good provider ~ THAT THAT'S ENOUGH?

 

When for 99.999999999 % of any and all women?

 

ITS NOT!

 

"Satin Sheets to hold me, satin sheets to cry on, .........................

 

So to start off with both you and he need to get into and IC and MC.

 

Then you need yourself to the bookstore and read:

 

"Light Her Fire" for him. Your not allowed to read it!

 

"Light His Fire" for you. He's not allowed to read it!

 

"How Can We Light A Fire When The Children Drying Us Crazy?" Both of you should read this one.

 

For him?

 

"Why Men Don't Get Enough Sex? And Women Don't Get Enough Love?

 

"Why Men Don't Have A Clue? And Women Need Another Pair of Shoes?"

 

With all that said?

 

Your going through a MLC (Mid Life Crisis) in that "is that all there is in life ~ is that all that life has to offer and give? Isn't there more? Isn't there better.

 

Televisioin and 'Holly-werid' throws so much at us. As the way we're suppose to live and what we're suppose to have yada~yada~yada.

 

Everyone I know are going 'Hell bent for leather" toward living the so-called 'successful' and 'American Dream" ~ while I'm Hell bent for leather going the other direction!

 

And to the OP ?

 

Your right! You and you alone are peronsally alone are responsible for your own personal happiness and contentment ~ and no one else!

 

The fact of the matter is?

 

Most people are about as happy as they make their minds up to be?

 

Life is hard and a struggle ~ no matter who you are, where or whom you were born?

 

The fact of matter is? Most of us born in the Northern Hemisphere and the Western Nations have it worse than some ~ BUT better than most in the world ~ and for that alone we should fall down on our knees and thank God Almighty!

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is........................

 

Count your blessings and not your troubles?

 

I did twenty years + in the 'by God' Marine Corps.

 

Glad I did it!

 

Proud I did it!

 

Just as glad and proud its over with!

 

Been in many of a 'hairy' of situation where some 'joker' was trying to take my head off?

 

My point being?

 

Live LIFE large!

 

Live it to its TOP!

 

Life Life to its fullest!

 

Live Life to its full mesure!