Will my passion ever return?

[Chrome Barracuda]

Yeah gunny is on the money...

 

I also want to say that to the OP maybe she resents her husband and still hasnt worked through the issues with his first affair. but she needs to know two wrongs dont make a right.

 

either she's in or out...

[trippi1432]

Yeah gunny is on the money...

 

I also want to say that to the OP maybe she resents her husband and still hasnt worked through the issues with his first affair. but she needs to know two wrongs dont make a right.

 

either she's in or out...

 

Chrome - here is where I will agree with you; however....there is a lot to be said about any woman who will stand by her man and vice versa in that situation....it's not an easy row to hoe for anyone to deal with infidelity and then stay in for 16 more years?? That takes strength and an ability to really forgive. On the other hand, if the offender takes it in stride and sweeps it under the rug, with no affection shown to his wife ... is that fair to her either? Enter years of feeling depleted of worthiness and lack of affection....a marriage of merely going through the motions.

 

Again, I stand by the fact that I couldn't do what you did harrellst....after my first marriage...I have a hard firm line to infidelity. To have forgiven him and held out for that long....that takes a lot of heart and takes a lot from you as well. Knowing what you know now...and him knowing what he knows now...is he not willing to give you the attention that you need....knowing that you are wanted? It's hard for me to imagine that a man 6 years more mature than you couldn't fathom knowing what a woman needs in her life....is he blind or are you closed off? Or both?

Edited September 28, 2010 by trippi1432

[Chrome Barracuda]

Chrome - here is where I will agree with you; however....there is a lot to be said about any woman who will stand by her man and vice versa in that situation....it's not an easy row to hoe for anyone to deal with infidelity and then stay in for 16 more years?? That takes strength and an ability to really forgive. On the other hand, if the offender takes it in stride and sweeps it under the rug, with no affection shown to his wife ... is that fair to her either? Enter years of feeling depleted of worthiness and lack of affection....a marriage of merely going through the motions.

 

Again, I stand by the fact that I couldn't do what you did harrellst....after my first marriage...I have a hard firm line to infidelity. To have forgiven him and held out for that long....that takes a lot of heart and takes a lot from you as well. Knowing what you know now...and him knowing what he knows now...is he not willing to give you the attention that you need....knowing that you are wanted? It's hard for me to imagine that a man 6 years more mature than you couldn't fathom knowing what a woman needs in her life....is he blind or are you closed off? Or both?

 

...If she truly forgave him, she wouldnt resent him, and would not be cheating. But alas she is right? She should have worked through her issues 16 years ago. No one swept it under the rug, unless they both did. She never addressed it and he never made it a priority. She could have left, no one's telling her to stay, but she cant now cheat on him and play the sympathetic victim. She's not...

 

Like i said in or out.

[tojaz]

TOJAZ..............I did little notes, left candy bars, put surprises in his lunch box, suggested we meet on the roads when our paths were gonna cross just to give him a hug and a kiss. Welcomed him home in sexy cloths, planned romantic trips to places he liked to go. What I got was nothing, hurt feelings mostly. I use to tell him all the time I wished he would tell me he loved me more. He does not that our marriage is so rocky. Its not as meaningful of a gesture if you have to beg for it.

 

Couldn't agree more Harrellst. It sounds like you did an awful lot for him. Doesn't excuse an affair I'm afraid, but You have put having the strength to see past his and forgive (you never forget) takes an awful lot of love and care and gets an awful lot of respect from me.

 

Your posts seem to sway which way you want to go, between trying to honestly rebuild your marriage or just sticking it out in spite of it. Your going to have to pick a side.

 

A good relationship is based on equality and that has to be your goal, yes that does mean he has to work for it, but so will you. I f you truly want to rebuild, its not just about balancing the scale of give and take, its learning and building something new and from scratch. Learning how to communicate with each other.

Yes I know we need to communicate I just don't know how. Its like he isn't open to what I have to say. He just wants his old life back.

You have it right, sounds like hes waiting for you to do the work so he can return to normal without learning anything or making any changes of his own.

 

The best way to communicate is to just say whats on your mind an in your heart, and to let him feel that it is safe for him to do the same. A large majority of the lack of communication comes from one party or anothers fear of the response, in the end though you just have to put it out there though.

 

If he wants it to work he has to work for it. RIGHT? Why do I have to keep fixing it?

That seems like a good place to start as any.

 

TOJAZ

[harrellst]

I am so sorry for the mistake. I meant nothing by it. I feel bad and I hope I haven't offended you. Simple type O or spell check did it for me. Not sure.

[2sunny]

if you want things to change for you - you need to start changing YOU - and your attitude and perspective... then, and only then will life look different than it does now.

 

what are you willing to change?

[tojaz]

I am so sorry for the mistake. I meant nothing by it. I feel bad and I hope I haven't offended you. Simple type O or spell check did it for me. Not sure.

 

Ah he'll be fine, could be worse! You wouldn't believe how many people see my name as ToeJam, although i think thats usually on purpose!:laugh:

 

TOJAZ

[harrellst]

You all have given me so much to think about. I appreciate it so much.

 

I asked my H to sit outside with me today before he left for work and we did some chit chat like normal kids, pool, work, plans for the rest of the day, etc. etc. I finally just blurted out was there anything he wanted to say or ask me? No was the answer. Then he asked me the same and I just said "I don't guess" but I did say "I don't really know how to talk to you". That was it. Why am I so scared to talk to him? Like TOJAZ said I guess it's just fear of the response. I guess the many years of just ignoring the problems that have came up and never dealt with have built a wall. It's gonna be hard to chip it all down.

 

I can say and have said to my family that I don't want anyone else. I want my H or I wanna be alone. If I cant' make it work with him how in the hell can I make it with someone new. Sure it may be fun and exciting but I will still be the same person with the same problems. I know my H will love me till death do us part. I have told this story many times...The night before I met my H I prayed a prayer for God to send me someone just anyone. So I say this relationship was meant to be we just have to "educate" ourselves on how to get Thur this "MID LIFE CRISIS" together.

 

I did forgive my H for his affair those years ago and like you say tried to forget. You really never forget the history but I didn't beat him up about it either. I saw my part in the what was wrong and how I pushed him away form me. Going Thur a drug addiction with someone and the whole distrust that comes from that alone was hard. I stayed on him like a mother hen after that and I saw that I was smothering him. He needed to be trusted and understood and I didn't do any of that for him at the time. The separation like I said was good for both of us then. We were able to sit back and see both sides and what went wrong. It gave him the space he needed to recover and trust himself again. It gave me the same space to build my self confidence and learn that I could survive without him. When he came back to me I knew that he was done with his fooling around and his drugs. It was hard to just "LET GO AND LET GOD" We all know how easy it is when were mad or things just don't feel right to fall right back into the mistrust. I held it all in and it all worked out. No lashing out no demanding where he was. He was respectful and honest about all his actions. He called when he was gonna be late so I would know and not worry. It did take years to come to a point that I didn't worry anymore but it did come. I also saw him healing and recovering, Night sweats for years, cravings and the loss of most of his so called friends. We have a history for sure. He has been Thur two lay offs for six months each and just last year started a new job. It was hard for him to be at one job for 16 years and have to start all over again. I guess I should use that as an example. If he doesn't want to have to start a new marriage at his age he should help US work on the one we already have. LOL.

 

I will look for the books you suggested! Thanks. I read the MEN ARE FROM MARS AND WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS. Book 16 years ago. We are currently reading MARS AND VENUS IN THE BEDROOM. I haven't came to see the whole concept of if I have all the sex that he wants he will eventually come to realize my needs. I guess thats why I am here It hasn't worked yet.

 

I am willing to change it all. Whatever it takes. I am looking here for the strength and courage I need to crawl from my box and out of this state of mind and do something. I am tired of being just passive. It's time for me to take some action now. Just getting all this out on LS has got to help.

 

Thanks to all!! It is good to know someone is listening and cares.

[harrellst]

Tojaz....I have read some of your other threads. Very nice! I do appreciate your words.

 

I do appreciate all the words though, good and bad from you all. I will get thru this one day. Love Shack is like they say a safe place to lay it all out. You can judge me but I don't have to look at you when you do.

[The-Zen-Warrior]

I am so sorry for the mistake. I meant nothing by it. I feel bad and I hope I haven't offended you. Simple type O or spell check did it for me. Not sure.

 

Not problem, I slip up on my keyboard every once in a while! But hay, I thought you were giving me an official name change! I was about ready to bring this new one to my Buddhist peers, I might have not come to think about it, they might have agreed!

 

Again, no problem, hope all is as close to well as it can be for you!

 

 

Yours truly : The Zen Worrier!

[tojaz]

I asked my H to sit outside with me today before he left for work and we did some chit chat like normal kids, pool, work, plans for the rest of the day, etc. etc. I finally just blurted out was there anything he wanted to say or ask me? No was the answer. Then he asked me the same and I just said "I don't guess" but I did say "I don't really know how to talk to you". That was it. Why am I so scared to talk to him? Like TOJAZ said I guess it's just fear of the response. I guess the many years of just ignoring the problems that have came up and never dealt with have built a wall. It's gonna be hard to chip it all down.

 

I can say and have said to my family that I don't want anyone else. I want my H or I wanna be alone. If I cant' make it work with him how in the hell can I make it with someone new. Sure it may be fun and exciting but I will still be the same person with the same problems. I know my H will love me till death do us part. I have told this story many times...The night before I met my H I prayed a prayer for God to send me someone just anyone. So I say this relationship was meant to be we just have to "educate" ourselves on how to get Thur this "MID LIFE CRISIS" together.

 

I did forgive my H for his affair those years ago and like you say tried to forget. You really never forget the history but I didn't beat him up about it either. I saw my part in the what was wrong and how I pushed him away form me. Going Thur a drug addiction with someone and the whole distrust that comes from that alone was hard. I stayed on him like a mother hen after that and I saw that I was smothering him. He needed to be trusted and understood and I didn't do any of that for him at the time. The separation like I said was good for both of us then. We were able to sit back and see both sides and what went wrong. It gave him the space he needed to recover and trust himself again. It gave me the same space to build my self confidence and learn that I could survive without him. When he came back to me I knew that he was done with his fooling around and his drugs. It was hard to just "LET GO AND LET GOD" We all know how easy it is when were mad or things just don't feel right to fall right back into the mistrust. I held it all in and it all worked out. No lashing out no demanding where he was. He was respectful and honest about all his actions. He called when he was gonna be late so I would know and not worry. It did take years to come to a point that I didn't worry anymore but it did come. I also saw him healing and recovering, Night sweats for years, cravings and the loss of most of his so called friends. We have a history for sure. He has been Thur two lay offs for six months each and just last year started a new job. It was hard for him to be at one job for 16 years and have to start all over again. I guess I should use that as an example. If he doesn't want to have to start a new marriage at his age he should help US work on the one we already have. LOL.

 

I will look for the books you suggested! Thanks. I read the MEN ARE FROM MARS AND WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS. Book 16 years ago. We are currently reading MARS AND VENUS IN THE BEDROOM. I haven't came to see the whole concept of if I have all the sex that he wants he will eventually come to realize my needs. I guess thats why I am here It hasn't worked yet.

 

I am willing to change it all. Whatever it takes. I am looking here for the strength and courage I need to crawl from my box and out of this state of mind and do something. I am tired of being just passive. It's time for me to take some action now. Just getting all this out on LS has got to help.

 

Thanks to all!! It is good to know someone is listening and cares.

 

Harellst, I don't really know that this is an MLC. You have had many trials in your marriage to bring you here, and it sounds like YOU have been the one to step up each time. thats not fair to anyone. Thats not equality.

 

Its good that you are willing to do what it takes to make it work, and that you want a change. He has to be in the mindset as well though. otherwise it will just be the same thing over and over again.

 

I haven't came to see the whole concept of if I have all the sex that he wants he will eventually come to realize my needs. I guess thats why I am here It hasn't worked yet.

 

I dont buy that, must have been written by a sex starved man (like me). If you give all and he takes all then hes not being sensitive to your needs. It sounds to me like thats what prompted the A in the first place. Thats one of the things that need to be communicated to him and that he has to be willing to hear.

 

TOJAZ

[tojaz]

another double post GRRRRRR

[blizzard]

Yeah gunny is on the money...

 

I also want to say that to the OP maybe she resents her husband and still hasnt worked through the issues with his first affair. but she needs to know two wrongs dont make a right.

 

either she's in or out...

 

I am not so concerned with the old affair as I am the new one. Was the recent affair swept under the rug as well? I can relate. My husband said "lets just bury the hatchet for now." And now he pretends like nothing ever happen. And I feel like it is the big elephant in the room. Much like you two, we can't talk. I need to hear I am going to try to forgive you...forgive us. Not "crickets."

I feel a bond with you because your reasons were similiar to mine. I'm not sure about you, but my marriage has lacked so much. Arguements and talks go nowhere. Swept under the rug. My favorite "You take everything so personal" and the most irritating turn off "Lets just have sex...you need sex." Sex is a turn off. It's always been straight sex. The affair showed me how it felt to have intimacy, not just sex. The affair was not about hot passionate sex...although it did seem whimisical. I felt like I was in dream because it felt right for once. The affair was a wake up call. I see other marriages and what my marriage lacks. But now, I feel empty. I don't know where to start. And I don't know if it needs to end. I am in IC, and my counselor is in sort of disbelief of how my husband has treated our marriage.

 

So how are you both dealing with the affair.

Edited September 29, 2010 by blizzard

[trippi1432]

Like TOJAZ said I guess it's just fear of the response. I guess the many years of just ignoring the problems that have came up and never dealt with have built a wall. It's gonna be hard to chip it all down.

 

You start brick by brick...but he has to want to start chipping at it too. Be patient and take your time...you sound like you want this to work, but it won't be satisfying going back to the "old" life, that's what he probably needs to come to terms with as well.

 

Your marriage sounds like it has seen many trials and tribulations, but there you both still are...in it...but that's it...just IN IT. You both have to LIVE IT. I don't think your marriage is mediocre by any means, I see a lot of devotion there and you are both willing to be there working on it. It can't be forced....take your time.

 

This is a transition time for your marriage...marriage isn't meant to stay in one gear for decades, it changes as a couple changes...there are times that you will lead that change, a time when he will lead that change.....(at least that is what my grandfather always told me....I'd like to think he was a wise man).

[harrellst]

TOJAZ.......What is MLC? I looked for some terms links and didn't find this one. What you say is true and I do not want to be back in the same place I was before. I do want change one way or the other. I am in no way perfect I am sure. I know I have been known to be a B***h and hard headed. I got myself to this point too but its gotta give.

 

Blizzard........My affair was with my first love. Big mistake meeting him for lunch. We really just meant for it to stay a friendship but...... I know thats no excuse but yes it was very intimate. He was suffering the same unappreciated life that I was. We both enjoyed being listened to and appreciated. But at the same time I honestly was looking at my marriage and thinking why couldn't we be the same way. Where had both of our marriages gone wrong. I reasoned that it was just the newness of it and the thrill of the affair but damn I walked out on 21 years of marriage for it. I would have been just as committed to him. Yes it was a dream and I would do it all over again and still be involved if I could. Maybe that is wrong and I AM saying I don't want to do it with anyone else. I know it is wrong and I can't believe it happened. I know how it feels on both sides. It hurts like HELL.

 

My husband was the last to have contact with him (theOM). He was literally going to beat him to a pulp. I never thought he would be able to find him but he did. He sat on his front door step with his wife for 5 hours and they bonded till my OM got home from work. She in fact still calls him when she is suspicious. It sort of pissed me off that he got involved like that. Maybe I am wrong but it seemed really controlling to me. If I didn't love him enough to end the affair myself or want to be with him why in the Hell would he want me to stay? How could he ever know that I wanted to be here if he FORCED it to happen. I guess there is more anger over that than anything on my part. I will never have real closure with the OM. In my heart I feel he is in the same situation as me now but we both know that this the way it has to be.

 

The fact that my husband wanted me back was suspected. I don't really know how to feel about all of it. I know he has forgiven me but really doesn't trust me fully yet. I don't know if he truly understands why it happened or not. I do keep him posted with my where abouts so he doesn't worry but I do have a lot of free time. But yes I guess he thinks sex is the answer. I guess he thinks he will be able to tell now if I am sleeping around.

 

But yes our situations sound the same. I fell very numb. Like in a previous post I said I haven't really cared what happens. I just pushed it all under the rug and not faced it. I'm tired of the limbo. I have to take action and do something.

 

We did have MC at first and it did open some communication but she didn't seem to help us understand what we could do to help. We got more from the Marriage builders web site but that effort has ended too.

We have worked thru some arguments since but not really covered any major issues. He is doing what he can and what I have asked but I still don't FEEL the passion. To be honest I can't keep from thinking of the OM during sex. I do hope I can move past that as well.

 

Walk in the park............I hope I can find the courage to do so.

 

Trippi..........I just wish he would take the lead for once. It would really show that he was making an effort to make me happy instead of just trying to be IN IT!

 

 

NOTE: We are planning the weekend together out of town. It is a working weekend for me but we will have the nights and he will be there for company so maybe I will be able to use the time to communicate. I am gonna TRY to set some rules. I really would like to set a day of the week where we could share our joys and disappointments with one another and it be a safe time. Thats my goal!! Maybe say that we at least have to share one thing that made us happy and one thing that hurt us during that week. Wish me luck.

[GorillaTheater]

My husband was the last to have contact with him (theOM). He was literally going to beat him to a pulp. I never thought he would be able to find him but he did. He sat on his front door step with his wife for 5 hours and they bonded till my OM got home from work. She in fact still calls him when she is suspicious. It sort of pissed me off that he got involved like that. Maybe I am wrong but it seemed really controlling to me. If I didn't love him enough to end the affair myself or want to be with him why in the Hell would he want me to stay? How could he ever know that I wanted to be here if he FORCED it to happen. I guess there is more anger over that than anything on my part. I will never have real closure with the OM. In my heart I feel he is in the same situation as me now but we both know that this the way it has to be.

 

Good for him. He wanted the affair to end so he took effective action. Kudos to him for leading on this. And what did he "force"? If both you and OM mutually meant that much to each other, you'd be together today, confrontation or no.

 

You sound a little jealous of the OMW.

[trippi1432]

Trippi..........I just wish he would take the lead for once. It would really show that he was making an effort to make me happy instead of just trying to be IN IT!

 

 

NOTE: We are planning the weekend together out of town. It is a working weekend for me but we will have the nights and he will be there for company so maybe I will be able to use the time to communicate. I am gonna TRY to set some rules. I really would like to set a day of the week where we could share our joys and disappointments with one another and it be a safe time. Thats my goal!! Maybe say that we at least have to share one thing that made us happy and one thing that hurt us during that week. Wish me luck.

 

MLC is an acronym for Mid Life Crisis.

 

Harrellst - Your note worries me a little.....you are looking to set some rules....goals....be careful. Your husband needs to be on the same page as you or you could set yourself up to fail, now is not the time for him to lead and you follow or vice versa...a healthy relationship does that....still working towards that, one step at a time. You are on the other side of the same fence you were on 16 years ago...compassion is what is needed now. An OPEN BOOK on both sides is what is needed now.

 

You stated that he went to the OM's house...he waited until the OM came home, he also has connected on some part with the OM's wife...ultimately they both (he and her) want the same things...to save their marriages. To that, I have to give him kudos that he loved you enough to do that....that's passion at the most raw level.

[Chrome Barracuda]

He told the TRUTH harriet, dont hold it against him. Did you???

[harrellst]

GorillaTheater......Yes, i am or was jealous of the OMW. I have moved on from that. I still have my feelings but it's over and yes I do realize if it was meant to be it would have worked. Yes, he for sure wanted the affair over and he wanted to look the OM in the face to see what kind of person he really was. He got his answers I guess.

 

Trippi...... I never really looked at his actions as being such an act of passion. I was so mad at the time I locked myself in my room for 2 days. If I could have left then I would have. I will step back and look at it and think it thru a little more from a different point of view.

I don't guess I wanna make Demands just some possible solutions to our lack of communication. I have such a hard time bringing anything up to him. If there was a specific time and place for this conversation maybe it would be easier and become more natural. I hope we can both agree to it. I have to still work on the compassion for me. I am trying to get there and open the book as you say.

 

Thanks to all again and again.

[Iconoclast]

I would do it all over again and still be involved if I could.

 

... and why then should he trust you?

 

You strike me as more of a delusional narcissist than a giver.

You are in love with a fantasy that doesn't exist and never did.

Your husband is probably right, you won't make it through the year, and you'll make sure that happens.

 

You probably need to be medicated for depression. You need counseling. May make a huge difference.

Edited September 30, 2010 by Iconoclast

[trippi1432]

GorillaTheater......Yes, i am or was jealous of the OMW. I have moved on from that. I still have my feelings but it's over and yes I do realize if it was meant to be it would have worked. Yes, he for sure wanted the affair over and he wanted to look the OM in the face to see what kind of person he really was. He got his answers I guess.

 

Trippi...... I never really looked at his actions as being such an act of passion. I was so mad at the time I locked myself in my room for 2 days. If I could have left then I would have. I will step back and look at it and think it thru a little more from a different point of view.

I don't guess I wanna make Demands just some possible solutions to our lack of communication. I have such a hard time bringing anything up to him. If there was a specific time and place for this conversation maybe it would be easier and become more natural. I hope we can both agree to it. I have to still work on the compassion for me. I am trying to get there and open the book as you say.

 

Thanks to all again and again.

 

Of course you didn't see it as being passionate at the time...yes, it would make you mad....no different than you probably felt a long time ago and wish you had done...I know.. wish I had on many occasions...at our ages then, not sure if it would have done any good though..young, impetuous...sometimes as with virtue, women take a back seat to what makes us happy......should we? Don't be afraid to open up to your husband...he is your husband...just not a place for goals. Marriage is not about goals...it's not about competition.

 

You have to work at fixing the "Elephant" in room as someone else stated...the past and the present. I'm not going to pretend giving you advice at this point...I am going to ask you...what do you want from him?

Edited September 30, 2010 by trippi1432

[golfinggirlmw]

HI

 

I am new here and actually just posted a story similar to yours. I have done the same thing and am in the process of moving forward to the next step. I am so sorry it didn't work out for you. That must have been devastating. I do however feel that these things don't happen just because of one person. You don't think about and follow through with an affair especially after 20 years of marriage if there wasn't something wrong in the first place. I know your husband is probably a good person but clearly you were missing something. It seems clear that even if your affair did not result in something permanent, it has taught you that there was something missing and there is a possiblility that someone else will help you find it again. The hardest part for us is believing that it's okay to want something for ourselves. Especially if it is to the detriment of someone else. If life is about happiness and following your dreams then where do the people we leave behind to do this come in? I have been asking myself the same question. I do know however that we do deserve happiness and just because we made a decision 20 years ago that we thought was right, doesn't mean that after circumstances change things, we are destined to stay with that decision. You need to decide what it is about the affair that you needed. Was it the person, the excitement, the sex or simply just you wanting something new. Whatever it is, if your husband does not fill the need then you have to move on and allow both of you to find what you're looking for. I hope this helps. Good luck

[harrellst]

Trippi......Thank you. I am gonna figure that out What I really want from him. Mostly too I need to know what I want from me. Alot of soul searching that I have been putting off.

[harrellst]

golfinggirlmw.......It was nice to hear your prospective. I feel my courage building everyday. I do hope to have a glorious weekend with my husband this weekend. Pray that I don't shrink back into my box,

 

I will not be able to post much this weekend but can't wait to get back and tell you how it all went.

[tojaz]

Harrellst, my apoligies if this one is a bit blunt, but i have been doing a slow burn on this since I've read it. Probably my fault as it hits quite close to home.

My affair was with my first love. Big mistake meeting him for lunch. We really just meant for it to stay a friendship but...... I know thats no excuse but yes it was very intimate. He was suffering the same unappreciated life that I was. We both enjoyed being listened to and appreciated. But at the same time I honestly was looking at my marriage and thinking why couldn't we be the same way. Where had both of our marriages gone wrong. I reasoned that it was just the newness of it and the thrill of the affair but damn I walked out on 21 years of marriage for it. I would have been just as committed to him. Yes it was a dream and I would do it all over again and still be involved if I could. Maybe that is wrong and I AM saying I don't want to do it with anyone else. I know it is wrong and I can't believe it happened. I know how it feels on both sides. It hurts like HELL.

So this is what you think, but your working on your marriage? Or do I have this thread all wrong? If your waiting for your passion to return to your marriage, then its time to stop waiting for your OM to return. I don't know anybody that wants to be a consolation prize. The fact that you only want to have an affair with this one man really makes little difference, dont you think.

 

My husband was the last to have contact with him (theOM). He was literally going to beat him to a pulp. I never thought he would be able to find him but he did. He sat on his front door step with his wife for 5 hours and they bonded till my OM got home from work. She in fact still calls him when she is suspicious. It sort of pissed me off that he got involved like that. Maybe I am wrong but it seemed really controlling to me. If I didn't love him enough to end the affair myself or want to be with him why in the Hell would he want me to stay? How could he ever know that I wanted to be here if he FORCED it to happen. I guess there is more anger over that than anything on my part. I will never have real closure with the OM. In my heart I feel he is in the same situation as me now but we both know that this the way it has to be.

 

Controlling??????? That he didn't want his wife having an affair? That he wanted to save and stand for his marriage??? Did you meet his OW??? Do you know what that feels like? I was there, walked into a bar where she was sitting with her OM first word out of her mouth? "What, you don't trust me??, have to follow me around?" Yeah I was controlling then too. Sad fact after all that is that the only reason he continues to draw breath today, is for her, because she cried and i had to realize that the tears were not for me. Yeah he wanted OM out of the picture, and from the sound of it, rightly so!

 

 

The fact that my husband wanted me back was suspected. I don't really know how to feel about all of it. I know he has forgiven me but really doesn't trust me fully yet. I don't know if he truly understands why it happened or not. I do keep him posted with my where abouts so he doesn't worry but I do have a lot of free time. But yes I guess he thinks sex is the answer. I guess he thinks he will be able to tell now if I am sleeping around.

 

Hes wondering where he went wrong and trying anything he can to reestablish a connection with you. He doesn't know how, he doesn't know why things went off track. Lived that one too. Its naive panicked thinking,but I believed if we were making love then that connection was being strengthened, regaining intimacy, of course since your picturing OM...............

 

I'm sorry Harrellst I am truly sensetive to your situation, but you have still made the choices you have made. This is what Chrome meant by your in or your out! If you love your H then its time for you to act like it and start working on your marriage, If OM (who is home with his wife after the party was over) is still your ideal, then you need to set your H free so he can find someone who does love him. Otherwise you will be here in a few months plotting your exit, and he will be blindsided and broken.

 

TOJAZ