Will my passion ever return?

[trippi1432]

The hardest part for us is believing that it's okay to want something for ourselves. Especially if it is to the detriment of someone else. If life is about happiness and following your dreams then where do the people we leave behind to do this come in? I have been asking myself the same question. I do know however that we do deserve happiness and just because we made a decision 20 years ago that we thought was right, doesn't mean that after circumstances change things, we are destined to stay with that decision.

 

harrellst - the above is a good example of affair fog - and where self-centered thinking can completely skew you to thinking that you are missing something in your marriage....it's when a person decides that their own happiness is more important than the detriment it causes to their spouses and their families.

 

This question that was posed - "If life is about happiness and following your dreams, then where do the people we leave behind to do this come in?"....I can answer that - it leaves them devastated, hurt and wondering why. Not that you asked this harrellst...another poster did, but I just had to comment on it....a prime example of selfish thinking. :confused:

[tojaz]

In the end its just a question of how you want to proceed.

 

You can focus on the things you have and work on finding the things you'd like.

Thats the way I've always tried to live my life, all be it not always successfully. Just like anyone else there were things in my life, in my marriage, that I would have liked to improve. More us time, a little less devotion to her career, better communication for sure. Just like some of the material things I might have liked to have, but I always remembered to be thankful for what was there. I had a great wife that was very supportive of me for a long time. She was a good friend as well. I had a good life, and the few things that I would have liked to improve were never worth throwing all that away.

 

You can focus on the things you don't have and look for something else, or someone to blame.

That seems to happen a lot. In searching for the passion, intensity, butterflies etc. that are so temporary, a blind eye is turned to most other things. The resentment over not finishing a novel, starting a business, backpacking across europe or so many other dreams, desires etc. Different things for each, but when you look at what your life is lacking compared to how you may have imagined it, then you miss the rest. The mundane things that mean so much to most people. The ones who take care of you when your sick, hold your hand when your sad, dig your car out of a snow bank during the 4th quarter of the Super Bowl! Choke down an inedible dinner with a smile so you dont cry.

 

Yeah those are from my relationship obviously, and for each one there is one that had been done for me. Theres no romance novel material there. Tried to have that stuff too, but these little things were always what meant the most, and the first thing that was forgotten when she went looking for "something more" for the life she dreamed of when she was in H.S. ,when she came across her "kindered spirit".

 

Everything seems better when its new, when its exciting and different. You have to ask though, the things your looking for in your life, were they taken from you? or did you just not persue your passions like you would have liked. Probably projecting a bit here, but it is something to think about.

 

TOJAZ

[tojaz]

Rereading your original post, Im not exactly sure what you want as "Passion" it will never be the same with your H as what you felt with OM. Hes not OM, its not new, exciting, different. Even if your H did everything OM did, item for item word for word, it wouldn't be the same because he is still your husband of 20+.

 

Downside? If things had worked out for you and OM, then he wouldn't be the OM anymore either. Life becomes routine, and you both are not on your best behavior trying to woo each other anymore. So what would have happened when the passion and newness wore off then?

 

We have seen what the both of you had resorted to before, you stepped out and looked for it with someone else. Seeking a permanent source for a temporary feeling!

 

TOJAZ

[Steadfast]

A couple weeks ago my brother and I looked at a property he is interested in. It needs many repairs but the price is cheap. He asked a contractor to meet us there and work up a figure to make the house livable again.

 

His price showed much work was needed. "It's a shame the former owners let it get to this" I said. His response was enlightening. "Most of the problems this house has is a result of how it was built. Maybe the builder didn't know any better or maybe he was just lazy. But, to make it right, we'll need to dig down and start over. Not easy, but not impossible either."

 

This is how I see many marriages, including yours. The problem? Imitation love instead of real love. An example is your comment: "I've always been a giver" followed by "when will it be my turn?" This isn't giving, it's negotiation. Real giving is expecting nothing in return. Real love follows the same path; it isn't 'given' to 'get'. It's given because you love. What we often 'see' is the joy and happiness people who really love each other each receive from their spouses. You can't buy that. But many try anyway, going into marriage with certain expectations, then suffering when it fails.

 

In this situation, you see (or saw) more upside with the other man. A better return on your 'investment'. The real problem for you personally is yourself. You're still believing the lie that there is someone out there who can make you happy, or make you feel better about yourself. They can; but it's only temporary. When life and its realities start chipping away at the facade, it too won't be 'good enough' anymore. You've trapped yourself. Add in all the resulting emotions and it's no wonder you're depressed!

 

It's you that needs the fixing, so do it. It won't be easy or fast, but like that old ramshackle house it is worth doing. Let your husband know what you're going through and give him the freedom to decide. He sounds like a loving man who just wants his family to stay together. There are worse things.

[harrellst]

Tojaz.......I read this Sunday night when I got in. It made me cry and realize it is what I really needed to hear.

 

"" "If your waiting for your passion to return to your marriage, then its time to stop waiting for your OM to return. I don't know anybody that wants to be a consolation prize.""""

 

I knew it wasn't what I wanted to be the consolation prize. I just wanted to feel sorry for myself to be the selfish person that I am not. Yes, I met his OW years ago but I didn't know she was the OW until he left. We went out with her and her husband a few times before they threw it on us. I felt like confronting her but didn't. I just let it go. I stalked around and watched them but never confronted her. I didn't want him if he didn't want me. Remember I had already been threw A LOT with him and my family wasn't real keen on the idea of another scandal with him. LIKE enough is enough....and I had enough. I must have looked real stupid to them to put up with all that I did. Thus the next move to another state to escape the judgment of them. I never doubted the decision I made back then.

 

 

and ........"Everything seems better when its new, when its exciting and different. You have to ask though, the things your looking for in your life, were they taken from you? or did you just not pursue your passions like you would have liked. Probably projecting a bit here, but it is something to think about""""

Yes, it does and I cant expect it to be all love novel material. It love story of the reunite of the lost love. My life is here with the man that DOES love me unconditionally I can't expect him to keep that love going if I can't return it in the same manner.

 

So I commit from this point on to look at things as not just for me but as US again. It is hard to see the US from the outside when were in the ME.

 

 

 

 

Steadfast....... I also need to hear this on top of what Tojaz said.

 

"""In this situation, you see (or saw) more upside with the other man. A better return on your 'investment'. The real problem for you personally is yourself. You're still believing the lie that there is someone out there who can make you happy, or make you feel better about yourself. They can; but it's only temporary. When life and its realities start chipping away at the facade, it too won't be 'good enough' anymore. You've trapped yourself. Add in all the resulting emotions and it's no wonder you're depressed!"""

 

 

US is worth working on because It can be done. It is what is meant to be done. It only makes us stronger as a couple and people.

 

 

 

NOTE: I did talk to my H this weekend. I told him how hard it was for me to talk to him. After I said it he said well was that so hard and I said yes " i been trying to say it for two weeks" so we did agree to share every Sunday morning before we got out of bed. One thing that maybe upset us or made us doubt our feelings and one thing that made us happy that the other did. It's a step in the right direction anyway!!!!

 

Thank you to all that have been reading my thread and have replied. Tojaz and Trippi and Steadfast especially. I told my H about LS and told him what it was all about. I told him i didn't really think he should look for my posts but he was welcome to share is concerns on here as well. It has really helped me and I appreciate it. I was being selfish I knew it but I just wasn't ready to move on.

[willowthewisp]

I'm so happy to hear that you have taken the decision to work on your marriage, you gave me back some faith in humanity.

 

If only you were my X. I doubt very much I could take him back now (a year and a half of NC), as much as I would like to, but just an apology would mean so much.

 

Really really pleased for you and your H, maybe some MC to help open up the communication too? Above all else always keep in mind how precious what you two have really is, the rest can be ironed out TOGETHER.

[tojaz]

Tojaz.......I read this Sunday night when I got in. It made me cry and realize it is what I really needed to hear.

 

"" "If your waiting for your passion to return to your marriage, then its time to stop waiting for your OM to return. I don't know anybody that wants to be a consolation prize.""""

 

I knew it wasn't what I wanted to be the consolation prize. I just wanted to feel sorry for myself to be the selfish person that I am not. Yes, I met his OW years ago but I didn't know she was the OW until he left. We went out with her and her husband a few times before they threw it on us. I felt like confronting her but didn't. I just let it go. I stalked around and watched them but never confronted her. I didn't want him if he didn't want me. Remember I had already been threw A LOT with him and my family wasn't real keen on the idea of another scandal with him. LIKE enough is enough....and I had enough. I must have looked real stupid to them to put up with all that I did. Thus the next move to another state to escape the judgment of them. I never doubted the decision I made back then.

 

 

and ........"Everything seems better when its new, when its exciting and different. You have to ask though, the things your looking for in your life, were they taken from you? or did you just not pursue your passions like you would have liked. Probably projecting a bit here, but it is something to think about""""

Yes, it does and I cant expect it to be all love novel material. It love story of the reunite of the lost love. My life is here with the man that DOES love me unconditionally I can't expect him to keep that love going if I can't return it in the same manner.

 

So I commit from this point on to look at things as not just for me but as US again. It is hard to see the US from the outside when were in the ME.

 

 

 

 

Steadfast....... I also need to hear this on top of what Tojaz said.

 

"""In this situation, you see (or saw) more upside with the other man. A better return on your 'investment'. The real problem for you personally is yourself. You're still believing the lie that there is someone out there who can make you happy, or make you feel better about yourself. They can; but it's only temporary. When life and its realities start chipping away at the facade, it too won't be 'good enough' anymore. You've trapped yourself. Add in all the resulting emotions and it's no wonder you're depressed!"""

 

 

US is worth working on because It can be done. It is what is meant to be done. It only makes us stronger as a couple and people.

 

 

 

NOTE: I did talk to my H this weekend. I told him how hard it was for me to talk to him. After I said it he said well was that so hard and I said yes " i been trying to say it for two weeks" so we did agree to share every Sunday morning before we got out of bed. One thing that maybe upset us or made us doubt our feelings and one thing that made us happy that the other did. It's a step in the right direction anyway!!!!

 

Thank you to all that have been reading my thread and have replied. Tojaz and Trippi and Steadfast especially. I told my H about LS and told him what it was all about. I told him i didn't really think he should look for my posts but he was welcome to share is concerns on here as well. It has really helped me and I appreciate it. I was being selfish I knew it but I just wasn't ready to move on.

 

:bunny::bunny: Beautiful news Harellst! We don't see many happy endings here on LS, but I truly hope you two become one of the success stories. I love the idea you had to help you both share and communicate. Definitely a step in the right direction. There is a book I suggest to many people you might like to take a look at. Its called "Reconcilable Differences" and its available many places online, if you have PM I will send you a link, but I think it would be good for both of you to read.

 

Once again, great news, you really made my day. Keep us posted, and wish you both all the luck in the world!

 

TOJAZ

 

 

I'm so happy to hear that you have taken the decision to work on your marriage, you gave me back some faith in humanity.

 

If only you were my X. I doubt very much I could take him back now (a year and a half of NC), as much as I would like to, but just an apology would mean so much.

 

Really really pleased for you and your H, maybe some MC to help open up the communication too? Above all else always keep in mind how precious what you two have really is, the rest can be ironed out TOGETHER.

 

If only they all could see that Willow. :o Far too many hurt people here from those that didn't.

 

TOJAZ

[datura_noir]

Both you and your husband are on an equal footing right now. before your affair, you had the power and held the cards by being the faithful spouse. But now you have given him a look at your world, and no doubt he will be hurting and reeling for many years. You no longer are the betrayed. Your sentence is over and served.

 

I don't care what anyone says regarding other "infidelities" within a marriage; be they financial, or withholding sex, control issues, etc....when one is sexually and emotionally betrayed, the damage is beyond description. Many hurts get buried for fear of 'rocking the boat'. We hear all the time from family and friends "Well, he chose you, just be happy and move on!" But it never really happens that way.

 

I know how you feel when you state that you cannot talk to your husband; been there, still there at times. But what helps me is to stop and think: Hey, what's the worst that could happen if I let loose on him? He leaves? Well, I'll be ok. If he leaves because I am expressing myself, then the problem is within him. The fact that his affair was forgiven and you forgotten (by him) may have been what led to your resentment build-up. I know, I've lived it.

 

I try to see the humor in everyday life now; I love my husband, but yes at times, have been tempted to have a revenge affair. I'm not going there. But I do feel ripped off sometimes; slighted that I didn't get my "fantasy", but I have a lot of work to do on myself before I can resolve this.

 

I just feel so much empathy for you and understand your feelings! I am hoping you can work things out within yourself, and please let us know how you are doing!

[Soxfan_96]

sry to hear about your situation. its sounds to me like alot of respecting one's wants and needs was not happening. how is he suppose to know what you want if you dont tell him. you needed to try several ways to get your point across. i'm glad to see you are not blaming him for your affair. but you need to take ownership of not communicating your thoughts. stand in front of that damn tv. why dont you send him flowers. you needed to trying alot harder. when you started to resent him thats when therapy should have started. my marriage is over because of a similar situation like this. people need to talk about everything, the good, the bad, and the ugly. you committed your life to someone and they are suppose to be a mindreader. i's think not. people need to talk.

[trippi1432]

Good For you harrellst...so happy to read that you see it takes opening up and sharing your thoughts with your husband....and even more, how lucky you are to have a husband that cares enough to want to hear them.

 

So many times you hear on LS...work on you...when you work on the "us" as in your situation...well, to me that Is working on you as well.

[GG2W]

I read you story, as a man who loves married women, I must say you OM played and used you. He found an old friend, who was not getting the attention she needed and used that to get what he wanted. He got tired of you and moved on, but left the door open by telling you to work on you marriage. I do it all the time

[harrellst]

I have been extremely busy this week but WE did take a day for wonderful walk in the woods and picnic. I actually talked to him again and he asked about something we discussed previously so the communication is opening. I have really seen how my attitude was in the "ME" state since my change in attitude.

 

Datura_noir. I like what you said "whats the worse he can do leave" your right I shouldn't be scared to say my feelings because I KNOW I will be fine. I guess the point the I was scared of "rocking the boat" for so many years is what has caused a lot of the cut off of communication.

 

Crazy stuff our minds make us do or that we can convince ourselves is the right thing for us. One thing is just as good as the other if you make your mind and work at it. I keep a purse or a pair of shoes till there out of date or worn out. I guess I was to the point I felt my marriage was worn out and out of date too. I used up all the duct tape on it and finally ran out I guess. HaHa.

 

To the passion part of my topic though. I guess the desire and butterflies is what I meant by that part of it. I guess the excitement of the OM and feeling like a teenager with him is what I don't feel with my H. I am not really feeling the sexual attraction I did before. I am getting better with blocking out the OM during our intimate times. I can feel some of that passion returning but I have to make myself. I know it means a lot to any man for the woman to initate sex so I have been tring but I still have a hard time being turned on like I was with the OM. I feel it was probably just the New young love but it was really a good feeling.

 

That sounds really shallow and just thoughts thrown out there but there it is. I am gonna log off now and see what you all have to suggest to that.

 

Tojaz.....yes send me the link. I didn't understand what I need to have for you to send it though. I wasn't sure if you could attach it to a post or if you needed other info from me. Thanks

[trippi1432]

To the passion part of my topic though. I guess the desire and butterflies is what I meant by that part of it. I guess the excitement of the OM and feeling like a teenager with him is what I don't feel with my H. I am not really feeling the sexual attraction I did before. I am getting better with blocking out the OM during our intimate times. I can feel some of that passion returning but I have to make myself. I know it means a lot to any man for the woman to initate sex so I have been tring but I still have a hard time being turned on like I was with the OM. I feel it was probably just the New young love but it was really a good feeling.

 

That sounds really shallow and just thoughts thrown out there but there it is. I am gonna log off now and see what you all have to suggest to that.

 

 

Yes..actually it is shallow...not going to candy coat it. You are currently the one with a problem...not your husband.....get counseling on the sex hangup really. The OM is gone..G-O-N-E. Let me ask you a real question....and you may not want to address this...but do you think your H thought the same thing of you when you both got intimate after his infidelities? Did he compare you as you seem to be comparing him now? The grass isn't greener...look it up...you will find many threads here that speak to it.

[tojaz]

I have been extremely busy this week but WE did take a day for wonderful walk in the woods and picnic. I actually talked to him again and he asked about something we discussed previously so the communication is opening. I have really seen how my attitude was in the "ME" state since my change in attitude.

 

Datura_noir. I like what you said "whats the worse he can do leave" your right I shouldn't be scared to say my feelings because I KNOW I will be fine. I guess the point the I was scared of "rocking the boat" for so many years is what has caused a lot of the cut off of communication.

 

Crazy stuff our minds make us do or that we can convince ourselves is the right thing for us. One thing is just as good as the other if you make your mind and work at it. I keep a purse or a pair of shoes till there out of date or worn out. I guess I was to the point I felt my marriage was worn out and out of date too. I used up all the duct tape on it and finally ran out I guess. HaHa.

 

To the passion part of my topic though. I guess the desire and butterflies is what I meant by that part of it. I guess the excitement of the OM and feeling like a teenager with him is what I don't feel with my H. I am not really feeling the sexual attraction I did before. I am getting better with blocking out the OM during our intimate times. I can feel some of that passion returning but I have to make myself. I know it means a lot to any man for the woman to initate sex so I have been tring but I still have a hard time being turned on like I was with the OM. I feel it was probably just the New young love but it was really a good feeling.

 

That sounds really shallow and just thoughts thrown out there but there it is. I am gonna log off now and see what you all have to suggest to that.

 

Tojaz.....yes send me the link. I didn't understand what I need to have for you to send it though. I wasn't sure if you could attach it to a post or if you needed other info from me. Thanks

 

Wow Harrellst I LOVE THIS POST! Its honest, its thoughtful, and it looks at things from all sides. I really like the reference to a purse or a pair of shoes because that seems to be how a lot of people seem to want to look at marriage. As just another "Thing" in their life that is easy to discard when they think they see something better on the shelf. Its far too easy to convince ourselves of this in the same way. In fact my wife told me flat out that she had to get away from me because being around me made her doubt her decision and refused MC because she was afraid she would change her mind. A pair of shoes or a purse are easy, you try a new one and if you miss the charms or the old you can always switch back, no harm no foul. People aren't quite as easy.

 

I don't think its shallow at all actually. I don't know anyone that doesn't like feeling that way, and you can, but after awhile it does take some effort on both of your parts. I guess the moral is that its easy to get that feeling from someONE else, but it will last longer trying someTHING else with that trusty old purse where every scratch and worn patch of leather tells a story.

 

I've already gotten spanked for posting links for people, and you need some more posts before you become established and get access to PM. But a search for the title on a certain jungle themed shopping sight will get you to what your looking for.

 

TOJAZ

[harrellst]

Trippi.....I do realize that It is my problem and I am wanting to work on it. I just don't know what to do. I'm not sure how to talk to a MC about the subject. I not really comfortable with it. I really don't know if my H compared me to the OM since I am not in his head. I would think that he has fantasized about OW since I think that is a common thing. I don't know for sure though. I know the OM is gone don't want him back or any OM. I do want my H. Is there a Viagra for women?

 

 

GG2W.....Just ran across your post. I think your right I fell hard for the attention and do feel used. It is a cruel thing and I am nieve to the world in that way. Better just to stay safe in my home.

 

 

Tojaz.....Thanks for your input. Is the reading written by Ferguson?

[tojaz]

Trippi.....I do realize that It is my problem and I am wanting to work on it. I just don't know what to do. I'm not sure how to talk to a MC about the subject. I not really comfortable with it. I really don't know if my H compared me to the OM since I am not in his head. I would think that he has fantasized about OW since I think that is a common thing. I don't know for sure though. I know the OM is gone don't want him back or any OM. I do want my H. Is there a Viagra for women?

 

As much as i preached to you Harellst your not alone responsible for the passion in your marriage. Your H has to hold up his end as well. If your not feeling it, you need to let him know, and that goes for all aspects of your relationship, not just in the bedroom. Dont be afraid to let him know what you need.

 

 

 

Tojaz.....Thanks for your input. Is the reading written by Ferguson?

 

Wow "The reading"!!! feel like I'm assigning homework :laugh: No, the book is by Andrew Christensen and Neil Jacobson.

 

TOJAZ

[harrellst]

Ok I guess I can start with that. Maybe if I do just tell him Im not feeling it he can come up with some ideas.

 

I found the reading and it looks like it maybe some good homework.

 

Thanks

[tojaz]

Ok I guess I can start with that. Maybe if I do just tell him Im not feeling it he can come up with some ideas.

 

I found the reading and it looks like it maybe some good homework.

 

Thanks

 

If you don't share your concerns, then thats the only way hes ever going to know.

 

Just because your the one im typing to, doesn't mean you dont have some legitimate gripes about your H, you do, those will not be recognized though, unless you find your voice. MC will help but its all about being able to share, no matter what it may be. Hopefully he will be listening.

 

TOJAZ

[2.50 a gallon]

Tojaz has it right, you H has to uphold his end of things also.

 

What has worked for me in the past is my hair. I can recall in the distant past where I got tired of paying a barber every couple of months and just let my hair grow. I was surprised after about a year, that my f/w/b's began noticing it, and it brought a resurgance of passion back into our lives.

 

I then used that to began changing my facial hair, growing a beard, then trimming it back to a goatee, or mustache, all of which, brought similar results.

 

He could also work out, and take off or add a few pounds.

 

One of my friends luckily married a female counselor, who is very adept at changing her personal appearance. You would have to be a man, to wholly understand what it is like to come home to find a sexy red head or a long haired blonde waiting for you in your living room. Needless to say it always kicks their sex life back into high gear

 

Your H has a problem that he can never totally over come, and that is familiarity. By that I mean you can never recover the excitment of the first kiss. Even though it was 15 years ago, I still remember that first kiss as it was special, in that she let me know that if I played my cards right there would be a lot more to follow. I still enjoy kissing her, and we practise several times each day, but there is no way that we can ever recreate the emotions, passions of that first kiss.

[LittleTiger]

One of my friends luckily married a female counselor, who is very adept at changing her personal appearance. You would have to be a man, to wholly understand what it is like to come home to find a sexy red head or a long haired blonde waiting for you in your living room. Needless to say it always kicks their sex life back into high gear

 

Interesting idea gallon but I think it depends on the man. Any woman should be very careful before radically changing her appearance in an attempt to revive her sex life. My man would be horrified if he came home one day to find my long, wavy red hair had changed to blonde or brunette overnight!

 

It's very true though that familiarity is difficult to overcome. After a number of years with the same person we all let 'life' take over and sometimes that means the sexual side of us and the sexual tension between couples gets buried. We can start to take each other for granted. However, if a strong physical and emotional attraction was there in the beginning, provided there has been no cruelty or abuse, there's no real reason why that attraction shouldn't still be there years later.

 

The best way to recreate the sexual tension is usually to act like you did in the early days. Dress up, go on dates, have fun together, flirt, talk about sex and tease each other. Think back to the beginning of your relationship and remember what it was about your H that turned you on. The chances are he still has those qualities (unless they were all physical, which is unlikely). Learn to 'fall in love' with each other again. It won't be easy because so much 'bad' stuff has happened since you first dated but, if you're both willing to give it a go, it can be done.

 

I lost almost all attraction for my ex husband in the final years of our marriage. Mainly because, at that point in time, the man I married had 'disappeared'. We (read I) tried to make it work at the end using the techniques I just mentioned and my attraction definitely increased. Had he put in a similar amount of effort I think we might have made it work. Ironically, once the marriage was over, the man I married reappeared (albeit within a man I barely recognised and didn't like very much) and I remembered why I'd fallen in love with him in the first place! Too little, too late for some of us.

[trippi1432]

Hi harrellst - Don't think that they make Viagra for women...but I did have to laugh at that....I'm sure that there is a lot of people who wish they did. There's a lot of good advice here, and I have to agree that it's not just your job to work on it.

 

One thing I might interject...2.5..not sure if I agree with women needing to radically change themselves to feel more attractive to or for their husbands. I remember as a kid, my mother putting on long blonde wigs to please my father. Heck, even as a little girl I wondered why my mother would have to go to such drastic measures for him to love her, she should be loved as she is and for who she is.

 

Personally, I feel that any changes I make to my personal appearance are for me, to make myself feel more attractive...if it turns someones head, all the better. Self confidence has its own sexual attraction.

 

Here's a suggestion: When was the last time you pampered yourself? A mani/pedi day at the salon? Even some men like pedi's...what man doesn't like to be pampered and have his feet rubbed, you might be able to talk him into going to? Passion and attraction don't always have to be related to sex, sometimes it is just in seeing each other happy, smiling and rediscovering each other.

[tojaz]

Harrellst, this was a tradition that I had practiced for many years with my ex, all be it without her knowledge. I keep a box in my closet thats been with me forever. Inside is every card, love note, letter etc. my wife had ever sent me.

 

Every Valentines day and anniversary, and occasionally when we just weren't seing eye to eye, I would pull it down and read every word. Just the memories of what had made things so right and the reminder of the "butterflies" when they were written could light that spark, even when she had me ready to tear my hair out.

 

Not sure what might do that for you, a night at your old date night place, a drive through a familiar neighborhood? Memories are powerful, and not just the bad ones. Would probably spark something in him as well.

 

TOJAZ

[IfiKnewThen]

so much to read and i am way over tired. but i see you read men are from mars women are from venus 16 years ago. get 2 books and reread it again and this time....make HIM read it. seriously...and pray together. thats all i can think of at the moment. i am going thru something similar

[harrellst]

Not sure how to use this information now. The OM's wife txt me this week and asked when I had talked to the OM and I told her not since March which was the truth. Well come to the end of the conversation she has left him and said I could take a go at him now. It was Wednesday. I have had some time to think it Thur. I Haven't contacted him and not really sure if I want to but it has put some negative thoughts in my head about my H. The things that really bother me about him seem to be coming out again. You know how your mind and attitude can make you see things differently.

 

I told the OMW that he loved her and that we had all been through a lot of pain and I hoped she didn't make it all in vain. He chose her and I didn't think that he would cheat on her again. I said she had to learn to trust him and forgive him that I knew it was hard but when it all went down thats what she wanted and that it would be worth it. I answered some other questions she had for me and apparently he lied to her about the way things played out. Oh well.

 

I guess though it isn't sweet revenge in the end. I was bitter because they all decided how it was all to end and I had no say so in it. Well now in the end I really do have control than I thought.

 

Thanks for the input on the passion part though and I am trying of work back to where we were and what made me attracted to him in the beginning.

 

But he hasn't even told me he loves me today.

[IfiKnewThen]

i wish you were in control. the truth is she decided to leave her man. not the other way around. BUT there is hope now with him i guess. BUT so much healing needs to be done. and truly...i get a real strong feeling....your best bet is your husband. he just serioulsy needs relationship skills. have him read men are from mars. and again. pray and ask God for wisdom and strength