saintfrancis Posted February 26, 2004 Share Posted February 26, 2004 Hi everyone, Well I am trying to hang in there but tonight it's difficult. Ex-MM and I exchanged several emails over the last several days... he complained that mine were "emotionless" and asked what the hell? He was right, they were. I just didn't feel like chatting after last weekend's stupidity. Haven't heard anything today from him. It kind of feels like he is now just being emotionless right back at me. But I guess I should be thankful in a way that he hasn't written today. I am having a very tough time right now with this. I have held it together pretty well but I can't help crying now. Friday during the day before the night's events (posted in another thread), he said that he loved me. How can that be true? Much of the time I think about what a good thing I did in ending it - I am proud of myself for not settling for a man who is unavailable. Then, I picture the way he would look at me, I picture the way he used to touch my face, how it felt.... and now I'm a crying mess. Please help. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted February 26, 2004 Share Posted February 26, 2004 Every time you allow him to contact you, it will reopen the wound. The only way you can move on will be to stay away from further damage and cut him off. Link to post Share on other sites
carla Posted February 26, 2004 Share Posted February 26, 2004 Hugs and More Hugs Hold your ground. I picture the way he would look at me, I picture the way he used to touch my face, how it felt.... Think of it this way he used to do this to his wife and maybe still does. Any be proud of yourself for doing the right thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author saintfrancis Posted February 26, 2004 Author Share Posted February 26, 2004 I should feel proud, shouldn't I? And often I do, just not right now. Right now, I'm thinking that I have lost the man that I love body and soul. I have dated many men, but he touched me in a way that very few have. I think the last person I felt this goofy - and devastated - over was ten years ago. I know this is wrong, but there are times when I wonder, why did I end it?? So, we couldn't have a "complete" relationship, but I am miserable missing my lover. Maybe if I had just kept the status quo, while certainly not ideal, I would have been worlds happier than I am now..... Then I think of the frustrations I have felt and the disappointment at holidays, and other times when he couldn't be there for me, and I think of his having a whole separate "life" that I know little about, and I realize, yes breaking up was the right thing. I need someone who can be with me/there for me 100 percent... and for whom I can be there as well. I just wish I didn't have to feel this sadness. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted February 26, 2004 Share Posted February 26, 2004 I don't know if this would work for you...but right now I would be using anger to drive out (some of) the pain. And there's plenty here to fuel your anger. You have done the right thing - you know it. Don't back down now. Link to post Share on other sites
MXMom4TT Posted February 26, 2004 Share Posted February 26, 2004 Saintfrances, I posted to another thread, to another "other woman." I'm in the midst of dealing with a brief affair that my b/f had. I was reading your thread and I just lost it. I'm still crying. The more I dive into this subject, the more confused I get. It is such a terrible situation for everyone involved. What really got me is when you said something about the way he looked at you or touched you and how he has a whole other life you know little about. That is how I felt when I found out about my b'f's affair. How he was looking at or touching someone else the way he did me. Or how he had a relationship outside of ours that I knew nothing about. No matter which side you are on, it is TOUGH. You are doing the right thing by keeping your distance. The situation can only take you to bad places. You are worth more than what is being offerred. No matter what, you need to have your "self". When you were with him, you lost your self and your self worth. I so want to hate woman/men like you, but I can't. As mixed up as the "cheater" is to actually be having an affair, the Other Person has to be confused and lost in their own life as well. That is why they choose the situation. And yes, it is a choice not something that "just happened" Because it takes them away...it's an escape from whatever they are lost or confused about. Non-reality. I'm guessing you deserve a good, healthy, decent reality and nothing less. Link to post Share on other sites
Author saintfrancis Posted February 26, 2004 Author Share Posted February 26, 2004 SoleMate, This morning I have anger aplenty to go around! It seems to go in cycles. I am angry sometimes, then sad, depressed, lonely, then happy that I got rid of him, looking forward to the future, then angry, sad, etc etc. Today, I just wish that I never got involved with him in the first place. As I said in a PM to someone, for a 51 year old, he acts like a child sometimes. We all can, but this just pisses me off, punishing me for being "emotionless." That's a load of sh*t. MXMom, I am sorry. I can imagine how awful you must be feeling. I can't defend what your boyfriend did, or even what I've done. But, you are right, the other person isn't (usually) just out to get what they can... they truly develop feelings, feelings that get crushed. Just like yours did. I don't know if you're staying with him or not but I do hope that you come to a peaceful resolution with him. It's funny you say that about the other person having their own issues to work out. I was in the book store last night and picked up a book about affairs and started reading. It talks about the potential "unfinished business" the OP may have that compels them into an affair. Of course, for some people it's just the conquest they're after, but this is typically NOT the case. The book said something like OP are simultaneously wanting to be taken care of, and yet afraid of being smothered and losing themselves in a "real" relationship. That is ME!!! I want to be taken care of by someone, want to be loved and cared for. And yet, whenever I get into a normal relationship I have this gnawing fear that the man will want me to live HIS version of life, and I will have to give up mine. I am afraid of being swallowed whole by a relationship, of becoming stuck in some never-ending rut. I don't even know why I feel that way because my parents actually have a good marriage (almost 40 years). Gawd, I've got issues. Link to post Share on other sites
Author saintfrancis Posted February 26, 2004 Author Share Posted February 26, 2004 moimeme I know you are right. Yet for all my strength in ending the A that is the hardest thing I have to do yet. I think I will get to that point, soon. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted February 26, 2004 Share Posted February 26, 2004 Originally posted by carla Think of it this way he used to do this to his wife and maybe still does. What a great 'reality check' statement!! SF, This isn't going to go away overnight. It may take months or years before the memory of him no longer stings. That's not really the point though. Enabling someone to 'use you' is the point. They control your entire life because you are at the mercy of their next move. Missing them is hurtful....but hell....you miss him even when you ARE in contact because half his life is spent with another FEMALE! I'm the same way as far as relationships. I want love, but can't seem to really commit to anyone who may end up committing back. That still doesn't give me the right to toy with someone else's husband, nor allow someone else's husband to use me for sex and whatever else may be lacking in his stupid life!!! How can any happiness be found in sharing the man you love? You are going to cry....and cry plenty! For the sake of your own sanity and self esteem though....you'll end up seeing there is no option....except leaving the relationship. You might as well get it over with. At least FOR NOW....it's your choice. What if he just dumped YOU cause he got caught? And he will...if he does. So, hold your head up and take control of your heart. You will get through this.... Link to post Share on other sites
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