My wife is a lousy lover and is fine with it

[HowYouDoing]

what about the fact that OP says it takes him 45mn to get hard? I could see how that would contribute to the problem. The way he said it makes this mental image of him standing there next to his wife naked and limp down stairs, then he points at is nether regions saying "why aren't you fixing this?! " . I know its not really like that but still, that problem should be addressed too. That can seriously be a problem for your wife to deal with. 45mn is a long time.

 

no it doesnt take me 45 minutes to get hard ... i said it might take me 45 minutes to get hard the second time. hell it might only take 15, i dunno cuz once its done, she doesnt ever get back on the horse.

 

damn, im not a selfish lover, but i think sex is a balance of selfish and selfless. selfish in the sense that you got to know what works for and communicate that and selfless in the sense that you got to be willing to make an effort to please your partner in the manner that fits their needs too.

 

i guess i just wish she had a more sexually oriented manner so we could make sex less boring for both of us.

 

my mind is open, my body available (in shape and groomed). while she also keeps her self in shape and groomed, i dont see an open mind and available body in return.

[turnstone]

Op, you missed my post - what may come out of Pandora's box if you went to counseling?

[Honorable_Venerable]

Discussing sex always comes down to "I hate lightswitch sex, you need to get me in the mood" So when I do try to take it slow and get her in the mood, there is the eye-rolling, hand flapping hurry up and get it over with. Asking what I can do to get better is met with scorn "You should know this"

 

Who are you, and why is my wife with you in Texas:laugh:? That is seriously similar to what I get - "you should know this" is an eerily familiar line. Does she say "you're the husband, I shouldn't have to tell you" as well:sick:?

Edited September 29, 2010 by Honorable_Venerable

[HowYouDoing]

Why did you let that happen? You can't do anything about the mastectomy but you have control over the weight, you can kick the dog out of bed and you can take some viagra, no?

 

I don't mind getting old but I hope I will never let myself go the way you and your wife seemingly have let yourselves go. Hope that if I am in my 70-ies, I'll still be in good enough shape for some sex from time to time...

 

although a little off topic from where I started, this is a good example.

 

for me, i would NEVER let a dog come between me and my wife whereas if we had a dog, my wife would not see how having a dog sleep on our bed would come between us.

 

its just an attitude and instinct thing i guess.

[xxoo]

although a little off topic from where I started, this is a good example.

 

for me, i would NEVER let a dog come between me and my wife whereas if we had a dog, my wife would not see how having a dog sleep on our bed would come between us.

 

its just an attitude and instinct thing i guess.

 

She's not stupid. Of course she sees that the dog would come (literally) between you. She either doesn't care, or prefers it that way.

[HowYouDoing]

She's not stupid. Of course she sees that the dog would come (literally) between you. She either doesn't care, or prefers it that way.

 

yes, we are saying the same thing ... when i say it doesnt occur to her, it means she doesnt care because sexuality isnt a priority for her.

 

anyhow, neither of us like dogs, it was just a good example of the challenge.

[fltc]

Why did you let that happen? You can't do anything about the mastectomy but you have control over the weight, you can kick the dog out of bed and you can take some viagra, no?

 

We enjoy the dog, we like having him and he likes cuddling with us.

 

Viagra has absolutely no effect at all, it's also forbidden with the meds I take but I tried it anyway! Nothing, zippo, nada.

 

As for the weight, arthritis has crippled me to a point I get little exercise, I'm unable to walk more that a few feet or stand more that 5 minutes or less, I use a mobility scooter to get around. Unfortunately the arthritis has not hurt my appetite, losing weight is a struggle and the ONLY diet that was successful so far apparently damaged my kidneys so I quit it and promptly gained back the weight I'd lost plus some.

 

Getting old sucks but it beats the alternative!

 

BTW, we're both single and not living together, I sleep over from time to time. On a recent trip out of town we made up for all the snuggling we'd missed but..... we both missed the dog!

Edited September 29, 2010 by fltc

[xxoo]

yes, we are saying the same thing ... when i say it doesnt occur to her, it means she doesnt care because sexuality isnt a priority for her.

 

Sex is a priority for her. If she is having sex 2-3x a week, when she would prefer 1x a month, it is because she has made sex a priority. She makes sex a priority because she believes it is important to you, and to the relationship--and she values you and the relationship.

 

Intimacy, however, is not a priority for her. It is completely possible that she doesn't realize that sex, without intimacy, isn't enough for you. The $3k question is--why does she avoid intimacy with you?

 

I'll repeat Turnstone's question:

What do you suppose will come out of the Pandora's box if you go to counseling?

 

This situation is highly unlikely to improve without counseling. What is stopping you from taking that step?

[HowYouDoing]

Sex is a priority for her. If she is having sex 2-3x a week, when she would prefer 1x a month, it is because she has made sex a priority. She makes sex a priority because she believes it is important to you, and to the relationship--and she values you and the relationship.

 

Intimacy, however, is not a priority for her. It is completely possible that she doesn't realize that sex, without intimacy, isn't enough for you. The $3k question is--why does she avoid intimacy with you?

 

I'll repeat Turnstone's question:

What do you suppose will come out of the Pandora's box if you go to counseling?

 

This situation is highly unlikely to improve without counseling. What is stopping you from taking that step?

 

i see what you are saying and you have provided some very good insight, thanks.

 

as for counseling, i guess i dont want to make her relive something that happened 20 years ago and i think there is a good chance that she will reach for that as a defense mechanism. i dont want a 1 step forward, 4 steps back result.

 

i also dont know that dragging these issues into a forum like that will fix the problem. what can a counselor do, tell us what we already know?

[carhill]

Counselors are guides. Think of them as a psychological toolbox. You have to want to use the tools and be willing to learn how to use them. Just like I didn't learn to build a racing engine overnight, using the tools takes practice.

 

If your wife doesn't want to face her past and move beyond it, that's really good information; information you can use to make clear and calm decisions about your future. The two biggest concepts I learned in MC, often repeated here, are clarity (getting to a clear understanding of the marital dynamic) and acceptance (accepting it as the truth, emotionally). Up to you if you want to go there. Are you ready to face your fears? Is your wife? Unknown. In order to get through to the other side, IMO, you will have to face them, head on. Hope it works out

[HowYouDoing]

Yeah, I thought the texts she sent you were sweet, too...and the ones "oh I'm naked and I want you" sound laughable. Like some cliche female character from a B movie.

 

What if you didn't even touch her for a month? See how she responds? She should definitely notice/say something. If she doesn't, then it seems pretty likely that she is just not sexually attracted to you. Maybe professional counseling should be seriously considered.

 

like i said, nothing wrong with that kind of text, just that i would like the other kind as well ... i guess i am greedy.

 

so, i have to intentionally not touch my wife for a month as an experiment? i dont have that kind of will power, sorry.

[fltc]

fltc, did not want to put you in a position where you defend yourself. It sounds like you are happy together so then all is well. For me keeping fit is very important but I have never had any major health problem so it's easy for me to talk.

 

One thing is sure: that dog gets an overdose of love.

 

It's OK, I responded because I realized I hadn't really given sufficient information.

 

The dog is adored, he's our substitue grandchild! Life happens and the grandkids we used to love to spoil have all become adults, finished school and moved on with their lives so all the love and attention they used to get goes to the mutt and, as is typical of dogs, he returns it many times over.

 

Even the times he's been cheated on, when she or I come home smelling of other dog or, worse, cat, he'll sniff, forgive and still love us.

[painfullyobvious]

I am confused about the title of your post. You go on about the things you are frustrated with but then your title of the thread is [COLOR=#990000]My wife is a lousy lover and is fine with it[/COLOR] ????

[sartrelazyeye]

So, I guess I shouldnt complain eh, she gives up sex 2 times a week, sometimes 3 if I get her drunk first.

 

But frankly, she has no passion, has no understanding of how to be sexy and really doesnt care to improve or do anything about it. her favourite saying is "thats not me." Like by saying that it absolves her of any responsibility to improve or even understand why.

 

Its almost like she wont let her guard down so that she can say to herself she is in control!

 

- Oral sex is a rare thing, giving and or getting.

- Touching her breasts or lady parts are by invitation only.

- She likes her vibe, so she climbs on top, closes her eyes and gets off on me while I lie there. Sounds hot, and she looks damn sexy, but its pretty boring now for me and makes me feel like its the only thing she needs for sex, the rest is an interuption on the road to her manual orgasm.

- She doesnt mind most positions, but whatever position we do is based on how she feels that night.

- Oh ya, no sex other then with lights off and sun down. Too bad if I wake up horny on a Saturday morning.

- Never mind sex, I rarely even get a cuddle. Sure, she likes it if I give her a foot massage, but dont get in her space! When I do get close to her, its not because she enjoyed it, its because she is biting her tongue and letting me close. I hate that! I want someone who wants to be touched and wants to touch back.

- The other day, we were doing some yard work and both of us ended up in the basement to get some tools. Kids were not around, I moved in to make out with her, and all I got was a peck. When I tried to do more (some tongue), I could feel her pulling away as if to say, back off I want to do yard work. Yard work over making out with her husband for a minute? She made me feel like a loser with that gesture.

- She works in the school system. Today her school is closed so she has the day off, so I asked her if she wanted to go for a day time date. Nope, she has plans to go volunteer at the kids school. All day. Give me a break, she works in a school all day, our kids dont want her there and yet thats what she prefers to do with her day off? That screams avoidance to me, yet when I mention it she tells me I should care more about the kids. Why couldnt she spend half the day at the school and use the other couple hours to go for a walk with me or for sushi. Nope, I am too needy I guess.

 

Sex to me isnt just about putting it in and out until its over. I like the build up of sexual tension over a period of time. I like the subtle and not so subtle sexual overtures. But if I use a sexual connotation, she either ignores me or tells me stop acting like a 15 year old.

 

I have told her that I am not a machine that you can just say, UP and I am ready to go. I hate TV! But there I have to sit and watch some mindless show until 10pm when she says its ok to have sex. I hate myself on those nights, I just want to say not tonight honey, but then she makes it an issue like I have done something wrong cuz I am not in the mood. Its all too much for her at that stage, like I am the one putting pressure on her to be who she isnt. Thats her best line, make me guilty for expressing my desires instead of looking in the mirror and doing her part.

 

Hey, Im not as young as I used to be. It takes me a good 45 minutes to get hard again because she doesnt know how to overcome this with her own skills. She has not imagination or effort to use that period for more play. Once I am off, sex is over. Now as a man, I can tell you that its easy to lose interest as well once the orgasm passes, I wish she would take some initative to keep the sex going until I am hard again. I cant remember the last time in 15 years that I had 2 orgasms in one night. I know I can, when I take care of my own business, I can cum 3 or 4 times in an hour. She doesnt care to do the work required, cuz frankly its work and not sexy for her!

 

I can be gone for a week on business and when I get home, I get a peck. If its not a Friday night, I dont count on sex.

 

When I say she is a lousy lover, I blame myself for not being able to induce those feelings from her.

 

She flirts, alot. Just not with me. My friends (and hers) think she is a dynamo. She looks hot, dresses hot and acts hot, but just not when she is alone with me.

 

So how can I feel its her, when it must be me?

 

Well to be fair, she has tried to send me "lover" texts, but they are so juvenile. Something you would expect from a shy inexperienced young girl, lacking in imagination. Funny though, the type of texts that would interest me she would classify as from a 15 year old.

 

Example of type of text I might get from her:

- I <3 U ...!

(comment, its not that I dont appreciate her telling she loves me, but ...)

Example of type of text I would like to get from her:

- I have been thinking of you all day and I am so wet, cant wait for you to get home!

 

I just feel empty, no passion. She loves me like a partner who is the father of her children, but not a lover.

 

I think she takes me for granted and when I tell her about some issues, she just tells me to get over it, that she is who she is and I should accept her.

 

Its true, but I dont know what to do about it.

 

This isnt a sexless marriage, but Im bored because there is no passion. There is no desire, just mechanics.

 

I keep myself in decent shape (no six pack, but I am not overweight), I am stylish, mind my grooming, I am an involved father and am in no way abusive and I just wish my desires weren't dismissed as juvenile and immature or worse, discounted as "you ask too much".

 

I make romantic gestures on a consistent basis, not because they are expected but because I enjoy expressing my love and I want to do my part in keeping the fire alive.

 

However the more I do and the less I get back, I do get resentful.

 

Examples of romantic gestures:

- I get her tea all ready for when she wakes up and I leave a little love note saying good morning.

- I took her away for a weekend of shopping of dancing.

- I went to an arts store and bought a bunch of girly scrapbooking stuff and 5 or 6 times a month I will make something to slip into her lunch, leave on her drivers seat or hide in her wallet so she gets a nice love surprise when she least expects it.

- I have come home during the day and prepared a lunch for her so that when she gets home, she has more time to relax on her break.

 

Do I deserve a medal or a parade?

 

Of course note, these are things you do for the lady who you love. But I feel like a chump for continuing to provide her the lifestyle she wants when she cant be bothered to do it in return.

 

If she told anyone I was a lousy lover, I would be so ashamed and would put 100% of my energy into understanding what it takes to be a good lover in her bed. If I were to tell her that, she would cut me off from the bed all together and tell me that since she is lousy, I wont miss it.

 

Is life perfect for anyone? Of course not, so I feel so petty about it and at the same time I am getting more and more depressed about this because I guess its the core of my self esteem. This lady knows me like no one else and if cant rev up her motor, maybe its not her fault.

 

Some days I want a divorce just so I can find the lover I think is out there and other days I think thats crazy, my wife is an awesome partner and I may find a better lover, but they will have a different set of faults, so am I better off?

 

I dont know if this is a rant or asking for advice or simply a pity party. But I just dont know where to turn.

 

Anyone have a comment if you read this far?

 

EDIT:just wanted to add that yes we have talked about a number of these issues and other then "thats not me or I am who I am" she says if it were up to her, she would have sex once a month, so the fact she has it 2 or 3 times a month IS her compromise. Is she naive or am I just not appreciating the effort this takes?

 

Ugh, my sympathies. that is so horrible...i think i'd die. lol....but, to be fair, i'm not really a cuddler either....

 

has she seen a therapist? she does seem rather sexually stunted.

[Fuggem Awlle]

I have/had a similar situation, but I was tricked. When we met, and for a while after we'd have sex just about anywhere, any time of day, everyday. Little did I know, she just planned to bag me, and sit back and reap the rewards. I remember asking her wtf was going on with the goodies in the lockbox, and she told me that she didn't have to do all that any more, because she has me now. Well, I just go to the ABC store now. I don't have time or patience for a divorce, and counseling and all that. She wants to be hardheadded, and it's her body, that's fine. It's not really how I imagined things being, but it is what it is.

 

I don't want to say anything bad about you, because you've done a lot of things I would never dream of doing for someone that acted like that, but you might want to give her an ultimatum. You sound like a really, REALLY passive guy, and that opens you up for doormat treatment. I hate to see a nice guy get walked on by a woman, and vice versa. I'm hoping that one day they have home cloning kits, and programmable thought processes.