should the dumper or Dumpee break NC?

[LoveTNT]

OK, So I have heard a lot about The so golden "NC rules" etc...

 

In my case I was the dumper, but realized at the time, I was just angry because I wasn't happy with how things were going ( he was being distant and depressed , he lost his job and he was trying to figure it all out, I was crying and being insecure a lot etc), but I didn't want to lose him because I loved him and I tried to work it out and get him back. I didn't even wait a day. He was extremely upset because I had broken up with him the year before too.

 

Anyhow, for all of August I did the contacting,pleading, crying, asking to meet up to talk and we would but it was never to be romantic etc., Figuring out how I had contributed to the break up and accepting it, Telling him that we should try counseling ( he had brought up counseling right before we broke up) etc...

 

But, all I got back was I'm stressed, I'm angry with you, I'm depressed and I don't know if you'll do it again. Maybe soon we can really hang out, I have to think about things, I do love you but I need to focus on work.

 

Finally I went NC 3 weeks ago.

 

MY QUESTION?

 

Everyone says the dumper should be the one to break NC, but he flipped it on me, so does he become the dumper? Anyhow, that's how I see it. I've done all I can, so I feel right about going NC.

 

Maybe this is me trying to justify my actions.

 

If we are to ever talk again, it's because he climbed through all the obstacles, because I blocked him from texting me, calling me, emailing me, FB (he blocked first from FB though).

 

I just don't want to seem so cold, but then again I have to worry about me. I did the pleading for a whole month straight, it was TORTURE. The last thing I want is a measly "hello", "how are you" " hope your good" text, I did that the last week of contact, I can't be friends right now.

 

So blocking him was my solution, till I'm totally free from wanting what we once had.

[rattled]

How ironic ha! (refer to my thread on nc)

 

No he does not become the dumper because he wasn't the one who ended the relationship. He has every right to respond the way he did and he's doing the RIGHT thing. If I were in his position I'd be doing the same thing which is working on himself (which I am). The last thing he needs is for him to dive right back into things and for you to have the potential to squash all the things he's been working at.

 

Besides I'm not exactly sure what you're asking? Who initiates the breaking of NC??. Don_Ho would suggest that YOU should be the one to break it. But my opinion is that if you're asking to break NC you better be well and ready and not breaking nc based on the fact that you're now you're on the short end of the stick. My opinion is regardless of who is dumper/dumpee, breaking NC should only be on the basis of a rational and unbiased thought process. No begging, no pleading, and certainly nothing uncivilized. If not, stay NC for your sake and his.

 

So do all of the dumpees a favor and make sure of what you're trying to achieve before you make contact, if you so choose.

Edited September 27, 2010 by rattled

[pandagirl]

OK, here's my own little opinion:

 

A reconciliation can happen at any point. I really don't think there is a time set, but I do think it's best if some time passes, so both parties have space and a chance to improve themselves.

 

That being said, you should probably just leave him alone for now. For your sake, and his sake.

 

If it's meant to be, it will happen.

[Billie The Puppet]

OK, here's my own little opinion:

 

A reconciliation can happen at any point. I really don't think there is a time set, but I do think it's best if some time passes, so both parties have space and a chance to improve themselves.

 

That being said, you should probably just leave him alone for now. For your sake, and his sake.

 

If it's meant to be, it will happen.

 

I believe reconciliation chances are better if the dumper breaks the NC, however reconciliation is not the only reason to break NC, sometimes NC can be broken for "friendship" too. I also believe the dumpee can break NC for reconciliation after a lengthy time has passed this will vary for every case.

 

As for the OP, I don't blame the dumpee in your story. Being dumped trust that you will not leave again is a really big issue to regain. Even though I would love for my ex to reconcile I think this will be an issue too, however I don't think I'd bring the topic up either cause it's a hard one to discuss.

[Banker Chick]

I broke up with me ex all the time until he'd finally had enough because he had a lot of other things going on in his life and just couldn't handle it anymore. Our break up wasn't angry .. just a 3 hr long phone conversation where we both cried and I told him I couldn't be his friend. We went NC for a week and I finally reached out to him via e-mail to tell him I didn't hate him, I hoped we could remain acquaintances and that I was sorry for the way I treated him. It was nothing about getting back together. He responded and since then we're trying to slowly see if we can make it work. The break up was on August 14th.

 

His biggest obstacle is feeling like he can trust "us" to not fight all the time (well, it's really me) so he wants to build up some history of getting along before diving in again and being committed. This takes time and is understandable. It doesn't happen overnight. We do still say we love each other and are intimate (yes, it couldn't be any more complicated) but yet we are both hesitant. We both want to see change ...I wouldn't have broken up with him all those times if I was truly happy.

 

Just give your ex a little time. For me, staying friends has kept the door open, but it's because that's what we both want. I agree that if it's meant to be, it will happen.

[pandagirl]

I believe reconciliation chances are better if the dumper breaks the NC, however reconciliation is not the only reason to break NC, sometimes NC can be broken for "friendship" too. I also believe the dumpee can break NC for reconciliation after a lengthy time has passed this will vary for every case.

 

I know for myself, I'm not remaining even in LC with my ex, because it would be too painful and just stunt my healing process.

 

I would like to be friends with him one day, but only after I am completely over him.

[LoveTNT]

Thanks everyone,

 

I'm just a bit confused, I'll admit it. Confused about staying NC or reaching out *eventually.

 

Trust people, I love him dearly, although I don't agree with a certain lifestyle and I can't change him. So that's why I've been leaving him alone.

 

Deep down I feel maybe he's messing around with other females, which he can do because we are not together.

 

I don't want him to feel like I don't care, but i have to take care of me. the first few weeks of classes i screwed up , all i wanted to do was cry. My heart was drowning in sorrow and regret.

 

I know for a fact he's trying to make himself believe that i never loved him as much as he did. He would say comments like "this is what you've always wanted, to break up!"

 

I may seem like the bad one, because I broke up with him a couple of times, but I was at the brink, if he continues to live this life style, I can't make him change etc... I told him that I loved him and that I was 26 years old and not in high-school anymore and if i was going to be with him it was because we both saw something in the future together. He use to be all about that. we were so respectful and catered to one another at one point. We adored each other... I guess when he lost his job he became so lost and trying to start his own business, got him all stressed and I would trip because he was so emotionally unavailable to me... What do i do!??? i know you all said it, stay NC.

 

I do stay NC, because honestly i feel like he's only going to continue rejecting the fact that we can probably work it out. He's protecting himself and working on his business.

 

When I saw him at the bar two fridays ago, he was all buzzed by himself because he had just got out of a "meeting" at the bar next door. He came up to me and for a split second after he said HI, he had this face of sadness. He checked himself really quick and said his goodbyes and walked away. The last time i tried to reach out to him was the week before that and I asked him if he could call me, and he said he would try to call me between "meetings" and i responded that it was ok and we would talk when he was available. He hasn't called me at all. SO when I sw him at the bar I kept my cool smiled, said hi and that was it.

 

Even if he is going to reach out or has, I have him blocked from phone calls, emails, texts etc, should I take it off?

 

Will that make it a double wham! since i was the dumper and I'm blocking him. sigh*

 

I just want to stay focused. I was so broken the first 5 weeks.... I'm scared to make myself available if he does reach out for whatever reason. I only want to talk if he wants to work it out, if not, then I cannot be friends!!!!!

[Username37]

Dumper is the one to break NC. But it's usually to see if you're on the hook still or they want "friendship" to relieve their guilt.

[Billie The Puppet]

I know for myself, I'm not remaining even in LC with my ex, because it would be too painful and just stunt my healing process.

 

I would like to be friends with him one day, but only after I am completely over him.

 

I'm in NC (Onto week 4) myself after the break up I was in LC (First month) and couldn't handle it as I always thought it would lead somewhere. I don't know if I'll ever be completely over my ex but personally I do kind of feel as its either a relationship or nothing with her.

 

With that said I am not necessarily waiting for her I'll live my life and if someone else comes along when I am ready for a relationship so be it. If my ex and I are meant to be it will happen as well but it has to happen naturally and my ex knows I have no reason to contact her as all it does is aggravate one of us.

 

However I still think a dumpee can break NC if they can handle all the outcomes going into the breaking of it. Ie friends, rejection, reconciliation whatever it may be.

 

I also think a dumper can break NC under the same circumstances. they key is to be ready for it.

[durkadurka]

I'm in NC (Onto week 4) myself after the break up I was in LC (First month) and couldn't handle it as I always thought it would lead somewhere. I don't know if I'll ever be completely over my ex but personally I do kind of feel as its either a relationship or nothing with her.

 

With that said I am not necessarily waiting for her I'll live my life and if someone else comes along when I am ready for a relationship so be it. If my ex and I are meant to be it will happen as well but it has to happen naturally and my ex knows I have no reason to contact her as all it does is aggravate one of us.

 

However I still think a dumpee can break NC if they can handle all the outcomes going into the breaking of it. Ie friends, rejection, reconciliation whatever it may be.

 

I also think a dumper can break NC under the same circumstances. they key is to be ready for it.

 

I've found that most if the dumper is a woman she always breaks it first just because they have the need to feel guilt free.

 

Just an observation.

 

The best part about what you said though was simply that there's no need to talk. If you guys broke up it was because your guys lives moved apart.

 

Any contact is artificial, with no basis. I mean when I call people it's because I have a reason to contact them, it might be because I miss them, or it might be because I need them to do something for me, or because I'm asking for their homework or something.

 

Either way, there's a purpose.