Is all hope lost?

[Teknoe]

I met this girl back in May earlier this year. We got along real well right away. She felt comfortable sharing with me all of her life details, and of course, all the various guy pains she's been through the last year-plus. She and I would talk every day, 2-3 hours at a time. She would even message me while she was invisible.

 

So earlier this month, I finally worked up the courage to tell her I see her as more than a friend. She told me she's in no state to date, but didn't tell me "no" definitively, nor did she really hint maybe down the road (with the exception of "We're in the early stages of our friendship" and "what are you scared of -- eternal rejection??").

 

We had a nice talk about our "DTR" talk, heh, and I thought we seriously would be able to move on as normal. And for seven days following the DTR, we talked as usual, only this time I cut out the playful teasing as it was just out of place to do it.

 

I thought to myself, "Sweet, we beat the odds."

 

But then, this past week, she's kind of disappeared. I don't see her on chat much any more, and she doesn't msg me any more. I emailed her 5 days ago, and she replied back quickly. But last night in weakness after not talking to her since that email 5 days ago, I decided to shoot her a "catch up" email. She was online tonight for a long time, but we didn't chat. When she signed out, I noticed she didn't reply to my email.

 

To be honest, it kind of hurt. It surprises me coz I thought our friendship was strong enough to survive the DTR... I know she needs time to process things and I know the risk goes with the territory of telling a female friend you like her more than just a friend... but still, I never expected her to "be like this" in a hundred years. She used to complain all the time to me about how her ex treats her like she doesn't exist, and how much it hurts her. Ironically, now I understand how she feels... I just never expected her to "be like this" when she herself knows the kind of pain "ignoring someone's friendship" can induce.

 

And really, whether she grew sick of me liking her that way, or whether she's still processing, why won't she just be direct with me? If she knows now it's a NO for good, why won't she tell me to help me move on? I hate assuming how someone else feels, and I hate asking AT THIS POINT because I've already put myself out there... it doesn't make sense for me to have to ask her for an "update." Shouldn't that be HER job as a mature young woman?

 

I know what I need to do now though. Chill. Don't come after her. Give her space and time. With the amount of time we spent talking and connecting, I never thought she would be like this. Part of me genuinely thought she liked me that way.

 

I know you read 1000s of stories like this. Any advice on how to best handle this going forward? I do want to stay friends even if she doesn't like me that way. I still care for her as a person, as a friend. Also note, I am able to move on fast ONCE a girl tells me "no, sorry, I just don't see you that way." My mind works in this way: once a girl says no no, why would you want to be with her anyway? You're only going to be miserable. Obviously, this is only a small bit of our story, but what's your feeling? My plan right now: see if she replies (she most likely will), see where she's coming from in the reply and go from there.

[WTRanger]

It's not her responsibility to respond to you. She doesn't owe you squat. Most people with her situation do not know what to say and do not want to make themselves look bad, so in turn they just don't say anything at all. Little do they know that is the worst thing you can do. Sure, she'll hide under the lie of "I didn't want to hurt you." which really translates to "I'm protecting myself." You have to accept that no response is a response. It's a cowardly, chickensh*t response.

 

Your best course of action is to never talk to her again, as impossible as it is. You need to remember to never make someone a priority when they only see you as an option. You know that intense pain, anger, sadness, and confusion you are feeling right now? Do you really want those feelings persisting? They will if you keep her in your life at this point.

 

You also must understand that she didn't tell you the whole truth about dating. She's not in a state to date YOU. She kinda forgot that "you" part. You need to put what she said through the Brad Pitt rule. Would she say the same thing to you if it was him? Probably not, so she's just feeding you a line of pure BS to keep you on the hook.

 

I've been there, and it's no place to be. I also know it's easier to say this advice than to act on it. It's tough, but you've got to make a choice.

[Teknoe]

I've been there, and it's no place to be. I also know it's easier to say this advice than to act on it. It's tough, but you've got to make a choice.

 

 

Thanks for your thoughts. I agree with that. We all got choices to make in life, and I'm only responsible for my own feelings. Some good food for thought. I woke up today and felt more peace about this situation. I will go into NC (No Contact) mode. Obviously, she doesn't value my friendship so why should I value hers? I made her a priority while she saw me as an option... well said.

 

Earlier today I ran into a Bible verse that brought me some peace:

 

 

"Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you" ~ 1 Peter 4:12

 

 

Exactly. I shouldn't be surprised... this is nothing strange happening to me. This is life. And I got choices with how I choose to deal with this -- dwell or move the heck on. I plan to choose the latter.

[WTRanger]

She does value you, just not the same way you value her. Just because you feel a certain way about someone does not mean the must feel the same way about you. Before you fly off into the world of bitter anger, walk in her shoes for a bit. Try to see the situation from her side, and ask yourself if you would react the same.

 

This, of course, isn't saying what she's doing is right. We all deserved to be acknowledged and not ignored, but we aren't owed that level of respect by anyone.

 

The only reason you shouldn't be talking to her is because you need to get your feelings straight. This isn't something to punish her. If you use it to punish her, you will fail. This is for you, so you can seek out other people. Then, when everything has passed and you have found someone new, may you even try to think about being friends again with this girl.

[Teknoe]

Right, it should not be to punish her but to straighten myself out. I still want to be in touch with her, but now is not the best time.

 

I have always been an optimistic when it comes to love and relationships. I don't ever want to grow cold and bitter. I will always be a glass half full guy. I don't want to change because of this ordeal.

[WTRanger]

I admire the glass half full approach, but give it time. You'll realize that relationships are always black and white, yes or no. Once you figure that out, they become easier to distinguish.

[Teknoe]

Hmm, maybe I overreacted. Last night she sent me a long reply to an email I had sent her 3 days earlier. She's been busy, out of the house and whatnot the past week.

 

It was a really in-depth, nice email. Nothing of the sort that would suggest she WANTS ME OUT OF HER LIFE. I haven't replied yet, but it was the type of email that asked me questions and thus, a reply is warranted. She also said she wants to visit my group some time (I lead a small Bible study group) so that is encouraging.

 

She's still got her stuff to deal with, but apparently I jumped to conclusions thinking she was done with me, lol. I tend to overthink when it gets a bit quiet for a while. Anyway, I think I'm emotionally stable enough to handle contact with her in this time, while not leading myself on with false hope. I think everything will work out fine in the end, whether she ends up as just my friend or something more. We both need a little more time to grow and become more 'complete' before we can properly handle a serious, mature relationship.

[sumdude]

Right now she only sees you as a friend. Will that change? Who knows? Seems unlikely. If you want to keep her in your life that's fine but I suggest you keep some distance and continue pursuing love in other places. You don't want to get stuck in limbo forever waiting for her to come around.