At wits end

[atage26]

Guys, gals, I really need some eye opener-hit my senses directly-why didn't i think of that KINDA advice.

 

Here's the long story:

 

About me:

I'm female, coming soon to 26 yrs old, neither too wild nor too nerdy, you could call me the girl next door who have plenty of mates who are guys. I've dated a fair share of them and have had 7 steady relationships uptil now. I've never 2 timed and I try not to lie. I try to live bycertain morals and principles. I'm not of Megan Fox hotness .. but i'm no toad either. I've always been the happy-go-lucky type who didn't mind not getting married in this life....well uptil recently anyway! I always told myself if i were to marry, it be because I really lvoed someone and not because i'm getting old and wat not. But I find that my views have chged after passing 25 yrs of age.

 

Ex (no 6) (my longest rship):

We have known each other for about 10 yrs now, we were from the same high school (not close then), same age. We only started getting close once I started hanging with him and his gang of frens back in 2005. We became bf/gf in '07 but things quickly became messy. Not even our 3rd day together and he told me he wasn't sure whether he liked me in a gf or a buddy kinda way (tho he quickly regretted it and woo-ed me back the next day). Not even 2 months together and he lied to me abt going out with his ex-gf who back then came back from London for summer hols(who is ALSO in the gang). A lot of drama came after that, i.e. the ex-gf who constantly came betw us altho my ex stopped talking to her, her "confrontation" with both of us where she revealed flirtations that happened betw them and so on. Safe to spk, I never trusted him much after the whole ordeal. I loved him, dun get me wrong (prolly why i didn't just permanently dumped him after all that) but I was the type of girl who could forgive but i never forgot. Most of our quarrels in the 2 yrs of our relationship centered around me distrusting him (yes i admit i started most of the fights), and me wanting him to prove his love to me (yes i was insecure). blablabla, time passed on and we grew comfortably with each other and I thought altho he has angered me terribly and I didn't trust him much, he was all in all quite a good decent guy and I never fell for anyone else until....

 

My current bf (no7):

He is a year younger and he was my coll (reminder to self: never ever date colls ever again!!!). I'd known him for about 8 months when things started betw us. Why and how I fell for him seemed to be nobody's doing, we were "clubbing" mates and frequently went clubbing with the rest of our colls. And just one night, out of nowhere, we fell for eac other at almost the same time. I tried to fight it tho...but at that time, my bf seemed to me like everything i was looking for in a guy that MY no x wasn't. He was a deep thinker, romantic, totally committed and into me and ONLY me, wanted to spend all his tiem with me...u know, the type who u knew that u were the centre of his universe. Other than that, I had passion with him from kissing to making love. I broke up with my ex after 2 yrs to be with no7 in June '09.

 

The mess that happened in '09

Lets call the guys, no6 and no7 to make it easier.

 

The summary of the mess was; i thought i was very happy with no 7 (the first 2 months was bliss) and I thought yes, this is THE GUY!! I went to see no 6 to get my stuff and watnot, and we had a discussion which ended up in tears. I missed him and I couldn't believe wat I built, I also let go quite quickly. He missed me lots too. So blablabla, from June 09 to early Jan 10, i basically broke up and then got back together with both no 6 and no7 a number of 2x each (diff timing of course) because i couldn't make up my mind who I loved more. And there were times, believe me, I stayed single for few months to clear my head and I still couldn't decide. So yeah, I was fickled. Both guys wanted me, (shld b every girl's dream no?) but it was a real pain. Because I could see how much I was hurting both of them and that hurt me like **** because i was hurting ppl i loved.

 

The current situation:

In late Jan 10, after i'd broken up with no7 (who wasn't talking to me almost at all) for over a month but still hanging out with no6, I found out that no6 had his eye on someone new. When i found out, that hurt me like ****. I cldn't sleep for a wk. I wished him well (apologized for the **** i put him thru too) and blablabla, he realised that the other girl was just a rebound so both of us went for a short trip and we got back together. Back then, I thought, yes, this is how i knew no7 was for me else i wouldn't feel soooo ****ty knowing he might have gotten together with someone else rite? Anyway, so now he held most of the strings. He didn't want me to contact no 6 AT ALL. I'm not that kinda girl, i'm frens with ALL my exes from no 1 to no 5. But I thought i shld give in coz i understod how insecure he muz have been last yr when i dumped him 2x to go back to no6. So I agreed.... til end of April. Oh yeah, freaky thing is, both no 6 and no 7 share the same bday (diff yr tho)! I thought it cldn't be so bad contacting no 6 to wish him on his bday so I did it without informing no7. And the months from Apr til now...I've been contacting no 6 secretly. not that often sometimes, like 1x a month, the most i've done is 4x/month. no7 doesn't know, he goes quite crazy at the thought of even using Facebook to msg no6 (who's still single btw and didn't get back w/his troublemaker ex altho after we broke up, she begged him to go back to her).

 

Pros on no6:

-Smart (Straight A student and an Engineer)

-we click (we can really talk to each other) so u cld say same wavelength

-funny

-we share the same lifestyle i.e. same frens due to the same high school, our parents have met (our dads actually knew each from THEIR uni-days), he used to hang out with cousin back in uni.

-we're really comfortable with each other as in, we can just watch tele and dun have to talk, it doesn't matter

-he's tall

-we enjoy the same things i.e. karaoke-ing,

-great singer...seriously, he shld b on Idol

-gives me freedom, not controlling at all

-mild tempered so he seldom ever starts an argument. out of 10 i prolly started 9 of them

-love his extended family, have joined him for a lot of family gatherings and so on

-i really feel very very comfotable with him...like coming home ya know? maybe not all rships have to be all PASSION n FIRE like rite?

-i enjoy his company, going for holidays with him...entertaining companion

-i wear the pants in the relationship for everyday matters

-he's the youngest son, so he doesn't carry that much responsibilities in terms of staying with his folks as his eldest bro.

-we come from the same kinda background, family, school,frens etc

-has his own set of different gang of frens, which i enjoy hanging out with if i chose too. else, if i got something to do, he has his own frens to keep himself amused.

-stayed oni 15 mins drive away

-he earns and saves his money and thinks deeply before investing therefore he has a healthy sum of money saved. Therefore during special occasions, like valentines, my bday and so on, he'd spend quite a bit on me.

 

Cons abt no6:

-In his gang of frens, his ex is one of them. So he basically still hangs with her and she and I are not on talking terms

-doesn't know much abt computers and cars (omg?? shldn't all guys know abt this?)

-He puts himself before me for any MAJOR decisions. Like I wanted to work overseas but he didn't want to follow me as he didn't think it was good for his career.

-Not sure if i can depend on him. For eg, If i wanted to start a biz and needed to borrow few thousands from him (he has the money), I'm not sure whether he would.

-he is very pron to lying. I know he's decent, so nothing like cheating on my n stuff but if he feels that by chatting with other girls or his ex, I'll be annoyed, he'd lie to me. But maybe he's learnt his lesson.

-He doesn't really like to discuss marriage til it's nearby. He intends to oni get married at age 30. But after breaking up, he told me that he thought we'd would be married and that i was the one

-he loves me, but i know i'm not the centre of his universe (dunno whether this shld b a con or a pro??)

-when we first got together, i found kissing him and making out with him to b .... feelingless a lil.

-sometimes he needs pushing to realise how to treat a girl. i.e. paying, drivnig her all the time, hold her to cross the road etc.

-not romantic, very practicle kinda guy

 

 

Pros on no7:

-I'm the centre of his universe, wherever i go, he'd follow. if i needed money and he had it, he'd def lend it to me.

-IT savvy and car savvy so i can rely on him/

-he's very cute in a cartoonic way

-he's hairy (i like hairy guys)

-I feel very secure with him, he's said and shown that he loves me best among all his gfs

-he's deep..so if i wanna discuss rship quetions etc, he gets it (u know how dense some guys can b rite??)

-he's stylish (like he takes care of his body and dresses trendily)

-gets along with my frens

-i know for 99.9% that he would never cheat on me

-cooked soup and knitted for me before!

-gentleman. always drives me around, takes an umbrella to shield me altho i insist i can run in a drizzle etc...

-he's a really sweet bf basically

 

Cons on no6:

-He's very contrlling. Gets upset if i wanna meetup 1 on 1 with a male buddy/fren. Wants to control the planning of our holidays, and so on. I used to have my way almost completely with no6.

-he's short (only my height which is ard 5'5 or 5'6)

-I cant seem to conect with his family or extended family. First they spk a language i can't understand and 2ndly they're laymen and they're quite rough and loud. Kinda intimidating.

-He's TOO into marriage sometimes it's scary. TOo intense if u get wat i mean,.,always talking abt it...as soon as oni 3 months dating!

-immature and emotional (cries a bit ore than the usual male)

-sometimes i cant seem to click with him...ithink it's because we come from quite different sets education and background.

-He's quite hot tempered....and wants his way quite a lot

-doesn't hae a set gang of frens...so he tends to be really sticky. If i even suggest a day of not seeing each other to do my own things/errands, he would show his displeasure. We have lunch everyday together (yes even during workdays) and we see each other everyday after work til it's time to sleep

- he stays 1/2 an hr drive away from my place

-he's very insistent on me giving my commitment and to meeting his parents, family, extended family and so on. i feel a bit suffocated and pressured.

-spendthrift. he's worked for 6 yrs now...and barely has any savings. And no comitments either! No house to pay for, no car to pay for, no loan! And he keeps talking abt marriage...how to marry if u have no $$$??

-Quite a filial son. If we marry, i think i need to stay close by or with his family and i aint the kinda girl who likes living with even my own family after marriage (no freedom of expression ya know?)

-he's not a strong person (as a sigledom) like we broke up before last yr, he immediately spent his few thousand savings, gambling and wat not. clubbing, flirting ard and so on. Not traits that i admire. He even resigned from his job. (emo as i said)

 

 

 

Dilemma:

My dilemma is, I'm still as confused as I was last yr! omfg. I dunno who i shld b with. I even tried writing a pros/cons list for both of em. But it jsut might b possible i love them 50/50. =(

 

I think that ultimately I'm more sutiable with no6 but it's a risk to be with him after all the hurt i've been thru with him. With no7, there's everlasting love and a loyal partner but maybe not so much a "fren" who i can have great conversations and maybe not on the same wavelength. be with the one u love or the one who loves u???

 

SHould i:

a. break up with no 7 because frankly i hate lying to him abt talking to no6 behind his back....and then try with no 6 again in d future (of course there's no guarantee no6 wld want me back after i hurt him like ****). No 6 might b a better man since after we broke up the last time, he knew all the wrongs he did...and improved...

 

b. remain with no7 because i'm already 26!!! If i can't settle down now, will i ever settle down??? And will i ever find a decent guy, cute too who loves me as much as he does??? TO tell u the truth, i think if a guy/girl is still single at around this age and older, there's most prolly something wrong with them. Also, not forgetting i did breakup with no7 and when he almost got a new girl, i regretted it, (kinda)

 

c. just break up. coz i'm confused. then remain single. who knows if i'd end up a spinster....(btw i love babies) or who knows if a dashing guuy who have both no6 n no7 good traits might pop by and sweep me off my feet (tho i highly doubt so)

 

 

I tried to give the best descriptions i could...hope u guys really read to und it all. If u need further info in order to give me advice, please let me know!

So far my frens have told me, choose the path u'd b happy...which stil leaves me clueless as wat to do. another said it's always better to b with one who loves u more than u love him.

 

Thanks!!!!!!! can't sleep due to this!!!

[worlybear]

You're not ready to settle down with either of them. Reading your account of "pro's and "cons" was unbelievable:eek:!

It reads like you're deciding between 2 brands of washing powder.

Give yourself and them a break! Get out there and meet new people, believe me you'll know when you meet someone special AND you want need telling which is the better brand!

[totalpackage]

It sounds like you're a little unstable within yourself. Youre looking to a man to stablize yourself and it's not gonna happen with anybody. I think you should leave both of them alone and take some time to yourself and find love for you. 7 boyfriends is a lot for a younger woman such as yourself. If you don't know what you want then learning of yourself will help you with that one good luck

[atage26]

LOL, i've had 4 replies and all basically said the same thing ie be single and enjoy myself.....how do i break up with no7, it'll totally breka him..i know, i've tried it 2x before last yr and he cried (cant stand the puppy dog look!!! breaks my heart) plus i've depended him for abt a yr now..i'm afraid i wont b strong enuf to be all alone and independent =( sad but true.

[fleur_de_me]

My read on this- you're definitely much more into no. 6! I know the feeling- I have a guy friend in my life who is wonderful, who I know would do anything for me, but I'm not sure I love him the same way. That sounds like your no. 7. Backup? Safety net? Seems like it.

 

Just be as kind as you can, it is probably going to suck for him, but try to do it in a way that he can't be confused about your intentions. Don't give him any hope if there isn't any, because he'll just hold onto it and drive himself crazy.

 

Good luck!

[atage26]

My read on this- you're definitely much more into no. 6! I know the feeling- I have a guy friend in my life who is wonderful, who I know would do anything for me, but I'm not sure I love him the same way. That sounds like your no. 7. Backup? Safety net? Seems like it.

 

Just be as kind as you can, it is probably going to suck for him, but try to do it in a way that he can't be confused about your intentions. Don't give him any hope if there isn't any, because he'll just hold onto it and drive himself crazy.

 

Good luck!

 

Thanks for the advice, fleur....how to tell I wont regret it yet again if i break up with him...for the 3rd time?