When friends shoud MYOB on relationships.

[Lemontang]

Well bit of an interesting one here. A female friend of mind has been dabbling with a recent breakup of mine with my last ex. Now they've never met but she saw her on my facebook list and started sending her messages.

 

Now my friend is a bit like a sister to me as I am like a brother to her, but as it turns out private conversations we'd had over FB she'd sent to my ex. Only for her to tell me when my ex asked her to stop sending the messages through.

 

Now for a quick history my ex and I broke up with no real major issues, however after some time I realised that I actually really did like this girl a lot and on discussing this with my friend she took it up on herself to send this information to my ex to see if she would reconsider the breakup....all without my knowledge.

 

During which I'd moved on like I should and have been dating other people since, even though yes I would like to get back with her, but felt this was for her to call since she'd initiated the breakup. So have chosen the right path and not harass her for another shot.

 

You could say I found this quite embarrassing as I'm perfectly capable of fighting my own battles. Now I said nothing bad about my ex, but it was some pretty deep stuff about self realisation and how I felt about her which I should be saying to my ex directly and not have a 3rd party send this information forward. But wouldn't since I knew the right things was to move on.

 

I understand her intentions were good, but quite unorthodox and I feel may have done more damage than good, even though nothing I said was bad.

 

Thoughts? I'm actually quite disappointed that she went ahead and did this and feel my trust has been broken quite heavily, despite her intentions.

[Trimmer]

Thoughts? I'm actually quite disappointed that she went ahead and did this and feel my trust has been broken quite heavily, despite her intentions.

 

I would feel the same way. Completely out of line, no excuses. I would feel like trust had been broken, too. I can't think of what else to say - personal communications are personal.

 

And I agree, her intentions don't excuse or mitigate the damage she caused.

[Lemontang]

Thing is we talk all the time, I've broken up with people before and she's never done this.

She said she did it as she thought with this girl (whom she's never met) I was really happy and wanted me to be happy again (I came out of a very very messy abusive relationship 10 months back that put me in a real funk on how people can be pretty evil). So I kind of see what she was trying to achieve playing some kind of mothering role, but it wasn't her place to do this, let alone take it on her own accord to try and fix something that I'd already accepted was over and had been moving on.

[TaraMaiden]

"No good deed goes unpunished".

 

She may have meant well - but she was out of line.

 

When it comes to someone else's love life - unless personal safety, well-being and health is at stake - steer clear.

[Lemontang]

Even my ex thought it was inappropriate as my friend said she'd asked her to stop sending the stuff through, granted the ex hasn't said anything to me about it. But then I'm a bit embarrassed to even talk to her with her knowing what and how I still feel about her, but without her knowing that I know she knows (confused yet? lol). I will say I'm still shocked by this. This was a dear dear friend and she knows I've had some serious trust issues since the abusive ex of mine put me through the ringer and it's like to some degree it's happened again.

[Trimmer]

She said she did it as she thought with this girl (whom she's never met) I was really happy and wanted me to be happy again...

Then she could have/should have encouraged you and supported you in your process if you decided to make contact yourself. But doing it behind you back, and forwarding personal communications? Just out of bounds, period.

[Lemontang]

I guess my next question is how do I approach the ex on this? Should I? This actually may have damaged things more than try to repair by adding additional pressure on her from a 3rd party. It's not a scenario I've ever had to deal with before.

[Tayla]

Since it was the friend who created this drama, assure them that you will gladly step to the side and let them clean up this mess. You needn't be accountable for this persons actions and its really not your place to make reasons or excuses for this faux pas. Address your concerns forthright with them and ask them to do the adult thing.

[Lemontang]

It sounds simple enough but can't see how she could. These were my words that she forwarded on to my ex. It's good to have the confidence in someone that you can speak to freely, but that's clearly been dented by her taking matters into her own hands.

She knew she was stepping out of line and admitted that openly even to my ex when she was sending this stuff through. My ex clearly wasn't comfortable either as she had asked her to stop sending her the stuff as she could see it was quite private too.

[Tayla]

Correct. Your words spoken in confidence(private) to another friend. Not to be shared to others. So she in essence betrayed that trust. So yes it is her place to make good and clean up things....

[Trimmer]

Correct. Your words spoken in confidence(private) to another friend. Not to be shared to others. So she in essence betrayed that trust.

Not even "in essence" - she flat out, full-on, no equivocating betrayed your trust. Period. She knew it when she did it, (but probably believed her intentions made up for it???) and your ex knew it as soon as she saw what was coming her way.

 

Look, there are some bells you can't "un-ring." Your ex now knows what she knows. There's no way to "clean that up." Your friend owes you an apology for the trust she broke between the two of you, and you have to decide if she is someone you want to keep in your life, or at least, what your new relationship and boundaries will be with her.

 

As for your ex, like I said, you can't un-ring that bell. Your relationship with her is now changed. She knows what she knows, and that knowledge will have whatever influence it will upon any interactions you have going forward. There is nothing that your "friend" can do to fix that, it's just a simple reality that won't change.

 

I can't see any way in which further interaction between your friend and your ex would help, or make things any better, and anything other than friend offering ex a simple "I'm sorry and you'll never hear from me again.." is just likely to make things worse. Don't look to your friend to "clean up" - the stain is there; it's a fact and anything you do now moving forward will just have that as a part of your history.

[Lemontang]

Yeah I'm still kind of shocked that she did this. This is someone I've confided in for years without incident. What ever the brain snap it is she had, has questioned any past interactions with her.

In short her reasoning is after I'd come out of an abusive relationship I hadn't really connected with anyone since (I dated a lot, but never really got all that into them), then along comes this girl and yes I really did connect with her. But we called it a day since we're both on very different paths and I accepted that she wasn't as into me as I was her, fair enough that's life, move on. Yet because I did connect with her my friend feels she can get the connection happening again by basically playing spec ops intel on my ass and sending our conversations to my ex whom she doesn't know bar me telling my friend about her. If anything I feel she's sabotaged any real second chance opportunity should it have ever presented itself.

 

I'm big enough to accept when things are over and know that no amount of trying to convince someone that their feelings are wrong won't work. Only they can choose how they feel and often that itself isn't even a choice it's just how it is. So I'm damn still trying to understand why someone does this. I confided in her for advice, not for her to fight a battle that wasn't hers to fight.

[freestyle]

I think your friend may have been getting a bit of an ego boost, playing the "rescuer" in your love life.

 

If you sit and really think about it---she not only betrayed your confidence, but she also insulted you.........she didn't think you were capable of managing your own affairs. So she second-guessed your decision.

 

Another thing, from a woman's point of view....

 

I went through something similar w/ my SO---he had a female friend/confidante who decided to pull me to the side (first day she ever met me) to let me know how my SO "really felt" about me.

 

Now in my story, she chose to share all the negative things he said about me (allegedly) plus she cast aspersions on his credibility and integrity.

 

NOT cool. Not cool at all."She's supposedly his friend??", I thought to myself........

 

So it put me in this very awkward position of debating whether or not to let my SO know that his friend was trash-talking him, and betraying his confidence behind his back.I didn't appreciate it at all.Kinda felt like I was back in junior high.I also realized that there was a chance she would try to paint me out as being the jealous girlfriend, who didn't want him to have any female friends. So I was stuck with this quandry that I didn't sign up for.

 

I did finally tell him, but it took a lot of internal debating.

 

After that experience, if I end up single & dating again, I'm going to be very leery of men with close female friends, who aren't good at maintaining boundaries.

 

I just wanted to share that with you , Lemontang---that a lot of women might be scared off by you having a female friend--doubly so if she meddles in your love life.No women wants to think that her most private, intimate thoughts and feelings might be discussed with another woman when she's not around.

[whichwayisup]

Well bit of an interesting one here. A female friend of mind has been dabbling with a recent breakup of mine with my last ex. Now they've never met but she saw her on my facebook list and started sending her messages.

 

Now my friend is a bit like a sister to me as I am like a brother to her, but as it turns out private conversations we'd had over FB she'd sent to my ex. Only for her to tell me when my ex asked her to stop sending the messages through.

 

Did you ask your friend what her intentions were by doing this? I'm so shocked that she had the balls to do that. Even more so since they don't know eachother, except by name and on facebook. WTF, I'd be pissed. Why would she send private stuff like that to your ex? Is it possible that this friend sees you more than just a friend?

[Lemontang]

I'd hope she doesn't, that and she's going about it the wrong way. Not to mention she has a partner and I don't feel that way about her as it is and never had. If anything I feel pretty sick to know someone I trusted for so long did that. Ballsy yes, but totally off the chart. We don't even see each other hardly as it is, since she moved a few hours away awhile back.

 

She knows I went through a tough time with an abusive relationship (a old ex was an alcoholic with a whole bag of issues that followed with it) and I had some trust issues with future girlfriends as a result. This current ex however managed to break the mold and so my friends taken it up on herself to patch up something I was really fine to move on about. Which has left me in an embarrassing situation and an ex in an awkward one.