hilroy Posted September 28, 2010 Share Posted September 28, 2010 I've been with my girlfriend for 8 years and we've lived together for about 4 now. I've been head over heels for her since we met and she's absolutely the love of my life and my best friend. When we do have sex, I've never had a problem pleasing her. I show my affection for her every day The problem is (and always has been) that she seems totally incapable of showing any sort of affection towards me. I can count the number of times she (unsolicited) hugs, kisses, hold my hand, even gives me a compliment or tells me she loves me in a year on one hand. Let alone initiating sex! She seems to be of the opinion (although she won't outright admit it) that it's a man's duty to bring the passion and confidence to the relationship and to initiate all forms of physical contact. She says she just doesn't think about these things until I've made some effort to jump-start her. Which is fine, but what if I need to be jump-started sometimes too? I do my best to play the role she wants me to play. But is it unreasonable of me to need to feel like my partner is attracted to me, and that she take an active role in providing for my emotional and physical needs? The truth is that I feel totally neglected and my self confidence is suffering. We've had what I feel is an open an honest dialog about the subject for a LONG time and she admits to prioritizing work, school, whatever the crisis of the moment is over our relationship. But I feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall in terms of actually making any progress with these discussions. I try to gently remind her. I try backing off for weeks and months at a time so she doesn't feel pressured. We talk, we seem to understand each other and then as soon as I drop the subject it's like I never said anything at all. Nothing happens, nothing changes. I've been combing forums like yours for advice for years and feel like I've tried every trick in the book. Maybe you've got some new ones? Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted October 1, 2010 Share Posted October 1, 2010 Has she always been like this? How old are you two? How often do you have sex? Is she more affectionate after sex and then she fades away? Any traumas in her childhood? Just trying to get a better picture... my wife is like that... she doesn't do it on purpose, it's the way she is... Link to post Share on other sites
Toodamnpragmatic Posted October 1, 2010 Share Posted October 1, 2010 you have to decide whether you can live with it.... I can tell you are probably in your 20's and you have a long time ahead of you and no children yet..... Be prepared for it to get only worse and worse. You have to then decide whether you are okay with that.... Link to post Share on other sites
TigerCub Posted October 1, 2010 Share Posted October 1, 2010 Your gf is just a taker. I think she's being very selfish. Maybe its not her "nature" to be affectionate/touchy-feely, sweet, etc. But you talked to her about it many times (from what you said above) and she still refused to acknowledge your feelings or your needs. Also - even if she's not all that physical/ touchy feely, a compliment/"I love you" isn't too much to ask for. She's just holding out on all that, and that's so unloving. She told you that everything else in her life takes priority over the relationship with you - I think that says it all. She's not going to change, and you already tried to "pull away" for a while (which was what I was gonna suggest), but you already did that and it didn't matter. I know you love her and there's some history between you two, but if this is hurting your self esteem and you voiced certain needs to her that she's not making any attempt to help fulfill, then why are you there? Is it good enough for you to be with a selfish taker, that doesn't give any value to your feelings or needs? If you stay with her - I'd bet good money, that you're gonna cheat on her soon enough (yeah, I don't know you, and I can't really judge you), but most MM that end up cheating give the whole story of "I don't get any affection, sex, love @ home" Don't waste your time on such a selfish bitch. Link to post Share on other sites
painfullyobvious Posted October 2, 2010 Share Posted October 2, 2010 This person does seem very selfish and immature. Any abuse in her background? Take some time and become romantic for a few weeks and let her be the focus for a few weeks to see if she begins to gravitate towards you if you begin being more emotionally attitive. I have dated women like this and I had a difficult time being with them because most women I date need to reinforced about their beauty, need affection in the form of compliments and emotional connections. When you date someone who is distant and is unable to reciprocate affection you begin to feel used. Just be honest with her about your perception of what is taking place. Link to post Share on other sites
crazedteacher Posted October 3, 2010 Share Posted October 3, 2010 I know how you feel. My husband is that way and he cheated and it destroyed me and I wish I would have run years ago but now we have a daughter and I am stuck. Good luck buddy but I would think long and hard about staying. I love my daughter but I wish I would have left and still wonder day to day if I still should. It makes you feel bad about yourself or like there is something wrong with you. I wish you all the best. Link to post Share on other sites
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