Should I forgive?

[Maralise]

Well, not so long ago ,about 2 days ago I posted a thread about my boyfriend cheating on me with my cousin. They both hurt me bad.

 

Some people say that my boyfriend has more fault in it than she does, while others say that she has more fault than him. Today is 4 days of what I say broke my heart. Yesterday my cousin came to me in church and asked me to forgive her. She cried and told me she was sorry. I am a christian and the bible tells me that I have to forgive and forget everything that has been done to me, but to be honest, I don't know if I could forgive her. First of all, I am too hurt and second of all, she came to me too soon: it's only been 4 days! What should I do? Should I forgive her?

 

Me and her were really close. We were inseprable, but I don't know if it could ever be like that agian. She betrayed me. They both did! What should I do?

[midori]

Hi there,

 

I don't blame you one bit for feeling too upset still to be able to accept your cousin's apology. And while forgiveness is a good ideal, you have to be realistic about whether you're at a point yet in which you could truly forgive her. You might need some time.

 

What I suggest is that you tell her that you are still processing everything, and she should approach you again next week. Don't say more than that, don't give her a piece of your mind, or tell her everything's okay.

 

Spend the week thinking. Think about what you want to say to her. Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting. Your cousin has shown that despite your closeness she is capable of being terribly deceitful, selfish, and lacking in basic integrity. Forgiveness doesn't mean that you blind yourself to that revelation. Forgiveness doesn't mean going back to the way things were, and pretending it never happened.

 

I think that forgiveness means accepting that your cousin has flaws, as we all do. I think in your shoes I would want to hear from her how she justified her behavior to herself, at the time she was doing it. Maybe she was jealous of the amount of time you spent with your boyfriend, and to compensate for that tried to get close to him herself. Maybe she was jealous of you, that you had a boyfriend, and sought to take that for herself. Who knows? But part of being sorry, being truly repentant, is being able to reflect upon what drove you to do the things you did, in part so that you won't make the same mistake again. But also so that you acknowledge the inner flaws you have that made you able to engage in that behavior in the first place.

 

This is a big tear in the fabric of your relationship with your cousin. Whether or not you accept her apology, it's going to take a while for that tear to be mended. She has to accept that. It seems to me that at this point, the most that can be expected of you where forgiveness is concerned would be to accept an apology and not have an open feud between the two of you. If a friendship is rebuilt between the two of you, it will happen gradually, in its own time -- and it won't be the same friendship the two of you used to have. Which is okay.

 

Look, people do crappy things to each other. In the long run you'll have to decide if you think your cousin is worth it. That's probably not going to be clear right away. The fact that she cares about your forgiveness, and is upset with herself, is a good sign I think.

 

Good luck. You'll pull out of this. You're a bit bruised right now, but you'll gain some wisdom and insight, and be stronger for it. All in due time.