Is there no honor among cheaters? Silly question.

[peakey]

Okay. This is a really really angry post. I need to vent my anger.

 

Brief summary. My H has had several affairs. This last time, he cheated on me while I was pregnant, and he got even more serious with this OW after our baby girl was born. I mean, he gave this OW a credit card, for pete's sake! But for ages, he kept saying to me that he still wanted to work things out with me. But for me, it was just too much. He is a "repeat offender" and I truly believe he would have kept on cheating, on and off, over the years.

 

So I asked for a separation. He moves out the week after next. And let me tell you, he's really angry about it! Right now we're trying to figure out what we're going to do about the house, etc. We have a son who's nearly 4, and also a 4 month old daughter. Right now I'm not working, and even when I go back to work full time, my salary is nice, but still tough for supporting two kids on my own. But what does he do? He goes around joking that *I'm*the one who's going to have to move out. And when I broached the subject that maybe he could just "give" me the house, he went livid. I mean, he was enraged. (here in Australia, we have "no fault" divorce, so usually property settlements are made half-and-half - but people can still be nice and offer to give one party all the property.) . Anyway, he was saying things like "I don't see why I should have to be the one to do the noble thing and leave this house."

 

Now, I wasn't going to push the idea that he give me the house. I'm a fair person, and I'd hate the idea that he was going to end up with nothing. So I was going to opt for an equal split of the assets. So my anger isn't about not "getting everything", but about his attitude. His reaction floored me. It was like he was blaming me for making us separate! Like I was a total witch for even asking. He demanded to know why he should be the one to suffer financially.

 

Why should HE do the noble thing? Well, for a start, he had not one, not two, but three affairs! (that I know of). He gave his OW a cell phone and a credit card. In doing that, he could have put us in financial risk. How did he know she wasn't going to spend up a storm? Plus he went to incredible lengths to fool me, to hide his actions. He did this while I was pregnant with his child. Why should he do a noble thing? Not for my sake, I don't care if I have to live in near-poverty. But HIS children are at stake! It's about whether his children will have a roof over their heads and food on the table. I can't believe he doesn't get that.

 

One option with the house is that I buy him out, meaning that I pay him half of what we would get if we sold the house. But to do that I'd have to increase our home loan. So to add insult to injury, he snidely said to me "I don't think you could buy me out anyway, you'd never get the money, and you'd never be able to afford it, even if you work full-time". It was nasty.

 

It's like he wants to rub it in my face that I'm going to struggle financially after we split up. Like it's my fault. Well, screw him. I'll show him. If it takes years to get my life back on track, I'll do it.

 

Really, not all cheaters can be so dishonorable, can they?

[befuddled11]

He's a scumbag, and it's unfortunuate that with his history of affairs, you ended up having a second child with him.

 

Anyway, if I were you, I would NOT continue to discuss division of assets/the house/who gets the house, etc. Don't offer anything, don't ask for anything. FIRST, get yourself to a lawyer and seek his/her advice re: your rights and such. I don't know how divorce works there in Australia, but as for your difficulty trying to support 2 kids on your own, shouldn't you be entitled to a) child support and b) alimony/spousal maintenance? In the U.S. and Canada you would...particularly because you're not working and even if you were working, you would likely make less than him. He should have to help support the family he created and lost because he couldn't keep his pecker in his pants.

 

So again, don't make offers of what to do with this house (eg..you offering to buy out your half, etc)....talk to a lawyer and explain the entire situation. Become as informed as you possibly can be in terms of what each of your obligations are.......and protect yousrelf from getting even more shafter than you've already been. I know here in Canada, there would be considerations made by the Judge re: the fact that the woman has children to raise, they're living in the family home..and the husband committed adultery. Far as I can see, you shouldn't even have to leave your home....that's your children's home...why should they have to be uprooted from it, because of your husband's infidelities? Talk to a lawyer, and until then, don't discuss anything of these matters with him.

[Arabess]

YEPPERS with what befuddled said!! Get yourself an attorney and lets just SEE who is more financially stable once the dust settles!!!

 

You've got child support, alimony and much of the assets. He's at YOUR mercy....not the other way around.

 

Don't let your emotions cloud the issue. Follow the advice of your attorney....hopefully, you'll end up with a real MEAN one who will clean his clock!

[brashgal]

I find it incredible that he feels his children should suffer financially (he may not have said it out loud but that's basically what he's trying to do here).

 

In some states here in the US, one party can agree to buy the other party out of the house but defer payment until the children reach a certain age. You definitely need to explore your options with a lawyer.

 

My ex also cheated on me for approx 4 years (2 long term affairs). His excuse? My actions drove him to having affairs. He wasn't fed up enough to leave, just to cheat. No, there is no honor.

 

Good luck - I know you will make it!

[peakey]

Here in Australia, there's "no fault" divorce. You can't ask for a better settlement just because the other person committed adultery. However, you can request the court to make a decision about financial matters even if you are only separating. It's a separate decision, and nothing to do with the formal divorce proceedings. Anyway, the court would take into consideration such things as who is looking after the kids and the earning power of the person looking after the kids, etc. The thing is, I hoped that we could avoid court (for the settlement), and that way keep costs down, etc. I had no intention of "taking him for all he's worth". The only asset we have anyway is the house.

 

I'm just royally pissed off about his over-the-top reaction, and his attempts to belittle me just because I earn less than him. I think he's just trying a bit of emotional blackmail because I'm rejecting him by asking for the separation.

 

When he decided to have an affair while I was pregnant, he left me with two choices: 1) I put up with his infidelity for the sake of having a roof over our children's heads; or 2) I leave him regardless of the difficulties. Pretty lousy set of choices. So because I choose separation, he's just gonna keep saying to me "screw you, you're the one who wants to separate."

 

And now he wants to stand up for HIS rights? He's got a lot of nerve.

[Skittles]

peakey, hopefully the courts will take your childrens' wellfare into consideration. Count on nothing from him, he is a cancer..something you need to cut out immediately...If you have friends or family who could offer child care while you either school or ramp up to a power position financially, then ask them for help....

 

You must obliterate this emotional disaster from your life known formerly as your husband.

 

 

good luck and get rid!

[LikkleMissConfused]

Ohhh My God!!!! MEN huh!

 

No not all cheaters are scum bags some are noble and do have morals! Your husband sorry X Husband sounds like a arsehole. He doesn't respect you for being the mother of his two children doesn't by the sound of it have any fatherly love for his children and doesn't want to protect provide and look after his family because thats what his children are his family.

 

You need to see a solicitor and don't let your emotions get in the way. He doesn't want to admit to himself that he is in the fault after cheating several times while you were pregnant you poor darling. God i really feel for you. This guy doesn't know the meaning of the word love. I am not surprised you were shocked at his reaction.

 

Just hit him were it hurts in the pocket with money and house issues. Use your brain girl and screw him over i would and have done so because I was with someone for five years and have been through something similar not exactly the same. But you have two kids to look after so you need to use your solicitors advice, screw him for every penny, go to work and start there by building your life back and most of all bring your children up with love and care.

 

All anger and emotions you feel for him put them towards getting the house soley in your name and child benefit. Please do it!!! It is the only way you will show this guy that your not a walk over because that is what he thinks. I guarantee you that after cheating several time and being nasty to you they are signs that he thinks you will be reasonable and won't do anything. Well don't be reasonable and do something! I had to do that and now I am the one that is proud of myself and the one that is laughing and not a walk over.

 

In someway he has to pay for his mistakes, so hit him hard in the pocket!

[NotaBadGuy]

Peakey,

 

I really do feel for you. Any man (or so called man) who steps out even ONE time deserves what he has coming. Just remember, any man can be a father, but only a real man can be a dad. There is no excuse for what he has done. Keep your head up. You'll make it through.

[nap]

Peaky, I'm also in Oz. I told you my story "Wife affair still strong". Ths weekend we decided to give it another go....I've been going thru the same anguish and hell as you except I'm the innocent huuby and my wife was the adulterer.

 

I've been to quite a few solictors and believe me he has not a chance in hell of getting anything more than 30% of the property settlement PLUS he'll have to pay you 29% child support and possibly spouse maintenance. Make him aware of that and then we'll see how tough he is with his behaviour.

 

Believe me.....my wife did the infedility thing and I was going to be the one ending up with 30% of all the things I worked all my life for. And yet I was prepared to give her the house for my kids sake....they are my number 1 priority. We were going to have a very friendly settlement - 50/50 split - but the law may have demanded at least a 60/40 split her way.

 

Financially you'll OK. Let him go. At least my wife has told me that it was a one time only and she is prepared to mend her ways - stop going to nighclubs, etc - and try and save the marriage. We'll see - I hope she proves the saying wrong..."once a cheater, always a cheater". It seems your husband has promised to change but never delivered.

 

Keep your spirits up...you'll get there.