5 year relationship. Where to go?

[abby_tx]

(quick note: I made the mistake of putting this in "dating" forum. i feel this is more of a transition into marriage. sorry for cross post!!)

 

Some quick background, I've been dating my boyfriend for 5 years. We're 27 and 28. We have never lived together, but I stay at his place 2-3 times a week.

 

He owns his own business and trying to get this off the ground before thinking about marriage or the next step. He wants to have enough money to support himself before popping the question. Because he's so busy, we rarely take trips. We took one "real" trip and one quick trip in the 5 years we've been together. Like I said before, we only hang out 2-3 times a week and it's usually just dinner and drinks or a movie.

 

Here's the problem. I no longer yearn/dream of marriage. At this point it feels like more of a business deal I assume we'll enter in when he has money. The spark we used to have is lost, though I do love him beyond measure. By spark I mean when we're in a bar or someplace, I don't have a desire to kiss him or hold his hand. I don't feel turned on by him. I also am grumpy that he never wants to plan fun activities. Mainly just eating and drinking. He hates certain things I love: amusement parks, haunted houses, road trips, adventures. I'm not an extremely adventurous person, but I don't just want to sit around my whole life. Something as simple as horse back riding I've wanted to do the last 5 years and he hasn't done it with me.

 

Is this just what happens after 5 years? Can we get past it? Do we date other people since he isn't in a position to be married?

[samsungxoxo]

I think this is just an excuse for him to have it all free with no actual commitment with financial cost (if a divorce were to occurred). 5 years would have been too much of waiting for me and by then he would be my ex b/f... if he was really interest in marrying you then ''I'm busy or I have no money'' wouldn't have been an issue.... he would have found ways to solve the problem.

If a man wants something he'll go all his way to get it. He is stringing you along. How many more years until this ''miracle'' happens are you willing to wait??

 

 

ugh... too many men are like this lately which is a reason why we can't even trust who is serious vs who is only after the free milk...

[sadintexas]

It sounds as if your interests are so far apart that you don't have much in common. It's great to have your own thing and your own time and circle of friends in a marriage, but there has to be some common interest(s) that you can enjoy as a couple. Without those, you'll be going in different directions a lot.

 

You're both still pretty young (by marriage standards these days) so I don't think too terribly much about you having been together for five years without being officially engaged. It's getting about that time though. If you're questioning whether or not this is the life you want to live, dating others may be the solution for you to figure it out.

[abby_tx]

Is it possible to say I want time off to date other people and figure things out without ruining my chances of getting back together with him in the future?

[abby_tx]

I think this is just an excuse for him to have it all free with no actual commitment with financial cost (if a divorce were to occurred). 5 years would have been too much of waiting for me and by then he would be my ex b/f... if he was really interest in marrying you then ''I'm busy or I have no money'' wouldn't have been an issue.... he would have found ways to solve the problem.

If a man wants something he'll go all his way to get it. He is stringing you along. How many more years until this ''miracle'' happens are you willing to wait??

 

 

ugh... too many men are like this lately which is a reason why we can't even trust who is serious vs who is only after the free milk...

 

I've got to say, I DO agree with you. A lot of girls out there are giving the milk for free! To some, I may sound like this guy. But I really don't think he's avoiding marriage. He has no interest in other women and he's so broke from trying to get this business going, that I probably wouldn't have said yes to him proposing before now. But I do wish our relationship had progressed further than it has now.

[Westy]

I think this is just an excuse for him to have it all free with no actual commitment with financial cost (if a divorce were to occurred). 5 years would have been too much of waiting for me and by then he would be my ex b/f... if he was really interest in marrying you then ''I'm busy or I have no money'' wouldn't have been an issue.... he would have found ways to solve the problem.

If a man wants something he'll go all his way to get it. He is stringing you along. How many more years until this ''miracle'' happens are you willing to wait??

 

 

ugh... too many men are like this lately which is a reason why we can't even trust who is serious vs who is only after the free milk...

 

The amount of resentment I hold for this post knows no bounds. A girl just ended a 7 year relationship with me because of this. While my reasoning may be different then most mens, marriage had no impact on my level of commitment. Both my parents were divorced twice, my brother was divorced and currently has 2 children with two different mothers, every one of my aunts and uncles has been divorced, I only have one friend who got married who hasnt gotten divorced....yet.

 

I fail to see the value of a marriage cerificate. I had no intention of ever leaving her, i would have done a ceremony bought her a ring, done whatever to show my commitment to her OTHER than sign a marriage certificate. My reasoning is no matter what my intentions are you can never ever know 100% what is going on in another persons mind, guarantee later on they might want a divorce or whatever, and I refuse to go through the BS of a divorce ever. Eventually I may have to append my line of thinking because it may be the case I will NEVER find a girl that is willing to commit to a life long commitment minus marriage.

 

But the way I see it, marriage this days is a meaningless load of ****. What does it do? It wont stop someone from ending a relationship, it merely makes the situation 10 times worse than it has to be.

[samsungxoxo]

The amount of resentment I hold for this post knows no bounds. A girl just ended a 7 year relationship with me because of this. While my reasoning may be different then most mens, marriage had no impact on my level of commitment. Both my parents were divorced twice, my brother was divorced and currently has 2 children with two different mothers, every one of my aunts and uncles has been divorced, I only have one friend who got married who hasnt gotten divorced....yet.

 

I fail to see the value of a marriage cerificate. I had no intention of ever leaving her, i would have done a ceremony bought her a ring, done whatever to show my commitment to her OTHER than sign a marriage certificate. My reasoning is no matter what my intentions are you can never ever know 100% what is going on in another persons mind, guarantee later on they might want a divorce or whatever, and I refuse to go through the BS of a divorce ever. Eventually I may have to append my line of thinking because it may be the case I will NEVER find a girl that is willing to commit to a life long commitment minus marriage.

 

But the way I see it, marriage this days is a meaningless load of ****. What does it do? It wont stop someone from ending a relationship, it merely makes the situation 10 times worse than it has to be.

Your trouble would be solved if you found a woman that's on the same page as you are.

 

There are women that don't want marriages as well as those that do. I obviously couldn't date/stay with a man who didn't held the same views as I do towards getting married or talk negative about it. This is one of my goals in life... why should I get denied that??? BTW my time limit will be 2 years or less (no or maybe answers would be a boot out the door)... as I don't want to waste any more time on the whole waiting period. I know... I may sound mean but those are my views regarding this topic. I respect yours but do respect ours too....

 

Then again... maybe it's true most of your guys are from a different planet. Just as I'll never understand the point in staying in a long term relationship (for 2 or more years) minus marriage.... you men will never comprehend what this means to us.... So yes you guys are from Mars while we're from Venus....

Edited October 2, 2010 by samsungxoxo

[zombiegirl]

Here's the problem. I no longer yearn/dream of marriage. At this point it feels like more of a business deal I assume we'll enter in when he has money.

The spark we used to have is lost, though I do love him beyond measure. By spark I mean when we're in a bar or someplace, I don't have a desire to kiss him or hold his hand. I don't feel turned on by him. I also am grumpy that he never wants to plan fun activities. Mainly just eating and drinking. He hates certain things I love: amusement parks, haunted houses, road trips, adventures. I'm not an extremely adventurous person, but I don't just want to sit around my whole life. Something as simple as horse back riding I've wanted to do the last 5 years and he hasn't done it with me.

 

Is this just what happens after 5 years? Can we get past it? Do we date other people since he isn't in a position to be married?

 

I feel this paragraph says a lot about the condition of your relationship and what you know inside. Do you want to continue the state of relationship you are currently living? How much do you think would change? Or do you believe deeply things will change with some time? Was your relationship great in the beginning? The part about how he doesn't seem to participate in activities you enjoy worries me. Also the small amount of time you spend together.

[Kic]

I think the OP should respect her man's wish to wait until he is financially secure and has more certainty around the success of his start-up business. Financial disagreements are the #1 cause of divorce, and disagreements will happen less often and/or less intensely when money is not as scarce.

 

OP, people still change a lot at your age. They change less after they've graduated, are done substantially experimenting and learning about themselves, found a fulfilling job, etc.

 

With the divorce rate so high, it makes sense that people want to be extremely confident that their marriage will not end in divorce. Love and faith is not enough - they need to completely understand their partner and be able to tolerate that person's weaknesses and personality changes for the rest of their lives.

 

They also need to understand themselves and what they really want out of life and marriage. Are they done meeting new potential partners or experimenting, are their expectations in line with what a marriage actually delivers, etc.

 

The rest of your life... so if you are in your 20s now and end up living until you're in your 90s, that's seven decades with the same person.

 

Many people have been taught that marriage should be a goal. But remember, that goal does not include a subsequent divorce, yet it happens half the time. Therefore, be confident that your marriage will be a life-long success before you even step on the altar.

[Lauriebell82]

(quick note: I made the mistake of putting this in "dating" forum. i feel this is more of a transition into marriage. sorry for cross post!!)

 

Some quick background, I've been dating my boyfriend for 5 years. We're 27 and 28. We have never lived together, but I stay at his place 2-3 times a week.

 

He owns his own business and trying to get this off the ground before thinking about marriage or the next step. He wants to have enough money to support himself before popping the question. Because he's so busy, we rarely take trips. We took one "real" trip and one quick trip in the 5 years we've been together. Like I said before, we only hang out 2-3 times a week and it's usually just dinner and drinks or a movie.

 

Here's the problem. I no longer yearn/dream of marriage. At this point it feels like more of a business deal I assume we'll enter in when he has money. The spark we used to have is lost, though I do love him beyond measure. By spark I mean when we're in a bar or someplace, I don't have a desire to kiss him or hold his hand. I don't feel turned on by him. I also am grumpy that he never wants to plan fun activities. Mainly just eating and drinking. He hates certain things I love: amusement parks, haunted houses, road trips, adventures. I'm not an extremely adventurous person, but I don't just want to sit around my whole life. Something as simple as horse back riding I've wanted to do the last 5 years and he hasn't done it with me.

 

Is this just what happens after 5 years? Can we get past it? Do we date other people since he isn't in a position to be married?

 

None of this will be helped by getting engaged or married. It's basically up to you whether or not you want this man as your husband.

 

And NO, this isn't what happens after 5 years. I have been with my husband over 4 years, we just got married. We have no less "spark" or "passion" then we did when we had our first date 4 years ago. I could not imagine my life without him, I miss him if I don't see him for a day. I think your relationship just changed, you guys grew apart and are different people now. It happens.

 

I would not suggest a "break." If you want to date other people then feel free, however I would not count on your boyfriend being there as the "back up." It's possible he would take you back, but what would be different about the relationship? Probably nothing.

[Lauriebell82]

The amount of resentment I hold for this post knows no bounds. A girl just ended a 7 year relationship with me because of this. While my reasoning may be different then most mens, marriage had no impact on my level of commitment. Both my parents were divorced twice, my brother was divorced and currently has 2 children with two different mothers, every one of my aunts and uncles has been divorced, I only have one friend who got married who hasnt gotten divorced....yet.

 

I fail to see the value of a marriage cerificate. I had no intention of ever leaving her, i would have done a ceremony bought her a ring, done whatever to show my commitment to her OTHER than sign a marriage certificate. My reasoning is no matter what my intentions are you can never ever know 100% what is going on in another persons mind, guarantee later on they might want a divorce or whatever, and I refuse to go through the BS of a divorce ever. Eventually I may have to append my line of thinking because it may be the case I will NEVER find a girl that is willing to commit to a life long commitment minus marriage.

 

But the way I see it, marriage this days is a meaningless load of ****. What does it do? It wont stop someone from ending a relationship, it merely makes the situation 10 times worse than it has to be.

 

I suggest that when you go on a first date, ask the girl if she plans to marry one day. Then you have your answer whether or not to continue the relationship. Or find a divorced woman who never wants to get married again.

 

You are entitled to have a partner who wants the same things as you do, just like everyone else is.

[phillyfan]

I've got to say, I DO agree with you. A lot of girls out there are giving the milk for free! To some, I may sound like this guy. But I really don't think he's avoiding marriage. He has no interest in other women and he's so broke from trying to get this business going, that I probably wouldn't have said yes to him proposing before now. But I do wish our relationship had progressed further than it has now.

 

Dude...this is where guys n girls speak diffrent languages. Noones givin milk free to anyone - it is pretty run of the mill to live togetha a while before marryin to check u are on the same page - marriage is for life dude, it isnt like choosin a new car. Sounds like he is tryin to provide for her and he's made it clear he's a traditional dude that needs secure finances before makin her his wife. Good for him, a straight up guy.

 

But to the poster, your not into him, time to move on, seriously. You know it too it is just fear holdin u back. Youl be fine, just do it, if u dont u have a life of feelin misrable ahead-if u choose that then u choose it but remember u made that decision knowin the facts already.

[Eeyore79]

I suggest that when you go on a first date, ask the girl if she plans to marry one day. Then you have your answer whether or not to continue the relationship. Or find a divorced woman who never wants to get married again.

 

I think the latter is more likely; I don't think there are many women who have never been married and never want to be. Most women want to get married; the majority of those who don't have already been married before and don't want to do it again. If he isn't prepared to marry a girl, he's probably going to limit his options mostly to divorced women and all the "ex-husband and kids" stuff that comes along with them.

[miracle252]

It looks like you have changed from the moment of your first meeting. It is normal that you have different interests. However, the problem is that you don’t have a common goal which can join you both around something. Namely, this usually separates people.

[abby_tx]

It has been 5 years since I made this post and I felt an update might help others in a similar position as me.

 

I stayed in this relationship for two years after making this post. I didn't have the courage to break up with him and kept thinking things would change. It kept going downhill, but I still held out hope that once one of his business ideas took off, he'd marry me, we'd live together, and our romance would be rekindled. But it got to the point where we didn't even hang out on weekends because I didn't want to do the things he wanted to do (drinking with his buddies). He spent 7 years trying to get various business off the ground and finally failed. It was during this failure that he cheated on me (emotionally). He then broke up with me and immediately started dating this girl.

 

Getting over him was an incredibly long process. I felt like he ruined my life, stole my youth, etc. A few months after the breakup I started a relationship with a guy (lasted 3 months). When that one was over, I hit rock bottom. All the old feelings came stirring up. I was incredibly depressed and had to start therapy and antidepressants. But then something amazing happened.... I got over him. I got off antidepressants. I found myself. I learned to be happy alone. I enjoyed life and activities. I had hope for the future. I grew SO MUCH. I dated all sorts of guys, had great adventures, and most importantly I am so much stronger today than I was back then. If anyone is in a relationship like this, GET OUT. Don't wait. Just do it.

[isolatedgothic]

Abby, I am so glad you came back and posted on your post with the update. I am at the two year mark in my own relationship, and have felt from the start that this relationship should move forward, ie not date forever, but commit this time [we dated when we were younger, and now have a second chance at love and life together.] However, my guy says he loves me, but has excuse after excuse why we move further than "just dating." I guess, as we approach our 2 year mark together, I needed to read this post. I think if a person truly loves the other, they know after 2 years whether or not they are wanting to commit to more than twice a week and having you home by 9:00 p.m. Thanks for this. I am so glad you are doing well. I hope I can say the same some day!

[pink_sugar]

5 years and still in the "dating" boat? Seems a bit off unless you enjoy just having a good time without the comittment.

[sportygirl89]

My brother and his ex gf of 5+ years had moved in together and bought a house together. He even bought her a dog (that was sad part). The girlfriend started seeing a guy before she officially ended it. This was after my brother took care of her during eye surgery recovery. No one in my family really liked the girl so we were happy to see her go. However it took a while for my brother to get back to normal. He went a bit off the deep end at first but got to being where dating is normal and found a girl he's been dating seriously for 2 months and this is 2-3 years after the fact. Hang in there you'll find someone better!

[Amelie1980]

5 years and still in the "dating" boat? Seems a bit off unless you enjoy just having a good time without the comittment.

 

It's been 3 years. Also she may not have found the right person.

[wheream_i]

The amount of resentment I hold for this post knows no bounds. A girl just ended a 7 year relationship with me because of this. While my reasoning may be different then most mens, marriage had no impact on my level of commitment. Both my parents were divorced twice, my brother was divorced and currently has 2 children with two different mothers, every one of my aunts and uncles has been divorced, I only have one friend who got married who hasnt gotten divorced....yet.

 

I fail to see the value of a marriage cerificate. I had no intention of ever leaving her, i would have done a ceremony bought her a ring, done whatever to show my commitment to her OTHER than sign a marriage certificate. My reasoning is no matter what my intentions are you can never ever know 100% what is going on in another persons mind, guarantee later on they might want a divorce or whatever, and I refuse to go through the BS of a divorce ever. Eventually I may have to append my line of thinking because it may be the case I will NEVER find a girl that is willing to commit to a life long commitment minus marriage.

 

But the way I see it, marriage this days is a meaningless load of ****. What does it do? It wont stop someone from ending a relationship, it merely makes the situation 10 times worse than it has to be.

 

 

No freakin' kidding. I completely agree with you. Not to mention, her other posts here are horrible. Just ugly.

 

P.S. Was not referring to the OP. And I didn't realize this was five years old!

Edited December 14, 2015 by wheream_i

[oldshirt]

It has been 5 years since I made this post and I felt an update might help others in a similar position as me.

 

I stayed in this relationship for two years after making this post. I didn't have the courage to break up with him and kept thinking things would change. It kept going downhill, but I still held out hope that once one of his business ideas took off, he'd marry me, we'd live together, and our romance would be rekindled. But it got to the point where we didn't even hang out on weekends because I didn't want to do the things he wanted to do (drinking with his buddies). He spent 7 years trying to get various business off the ground and finally failed. It was during this failure that he cheated on me (emotionally). He then broke up with me and immediately started dating this girl.

 

Getting over him was an incredibly long process. I felt like he ruined my life, stole my youth, etc. A few months after the breakup I started a relationship with a guy (lasted 3 months). When that one was over, I hit rock bottom. All the old feelings came stirring up. I was incredibly depressed and had to start therapy and antidepressants. But then something amazing happened.... I got over him. I got off antidepressants. I found myself. I learned to be happy alone. I enjoyed life and activities. I had hope for the future. I grew SO MUCH. I dated all sorts of guys, had great adventures, and most importantly I am so much stronger today than I was back then. If anyone is in a relationship like this, GET OUT. Don't wait. Just do it.

 

 

 

Thanks for coming back and posting the update.

 

 

I think your experiences are actually pretty typical for many 'adult', multi-year daters.

 

 

I emphasize the word adult because I do not think dating for a couple years while still getting an education or seeking gainful employment, waiting to get out of military etc is a bad practice.

 

 

But people who are , have25+ years old, completed education, out of military, are fully employed etc etc, will know within a year or so if the person they are dating is "the one" or not. If they still don't know after a year of steady dating, then IMHO it's safe to check the "not" box.

 

 

Continuing to mark time after that is just burning daylight as far as I am concerned.

 

 

If both people are the same noncommitment/no marriage page and consensually continue to see each knowing that marriage is not part of the future plan, then that is fine and dandy.

 

 

But if one or the other person clearly has marriage as a goal and the other is just making excuses and drawing out the time, then packing up and moving on after a year or so is just common sense.

[RedRobin]

^^ yep. I'd argue even 6 months is long enough to 'know'. One year, max, to make it official.

[bathtub-row]

Post deleted by bathtub-row.

[whichwayisup]

deleted original post, didn't realize this was an update!

 

Great that you're happy and living life without him!

[Brandyundercover45]

The amount of resentment I hold for this post knows no bounds. A girl just ended a 7 year relationship with me because of this. While my reasoning may be different then most mens, marriage had no impact on my level of commitment. Both my parents were divorced twice, my brother was divorced and currently has 2 children with two different mothers, every one of my aunts and uncles has been divorced, I only have one friend who got married who hasnt gotten divorced....yet.

 

I fail to see the value of a marriage cerificate. I had no intention of ever leaving her, i would have done a ceremony bought her a ring, done whatever to show my commitment to her OTHER than sign a marriage certificate. My reasoning is no matter what my intentions are you can never ever know 100% what is going on in another persons mind, guarantee later on they might want a divorce or whatever, and I refuse to go through the BS of a divorce ever. Eventually I may have to append my line of thinking because it may be the case I will NEVER find a girl that is willing to commit to a life long commitment minus marriage.

 

But the way I see it, marriage this days is a meaningless load of ****. What does it do? It wont stop someone from ending a relationship, it merely makes the situation 10 times worse than it has to be.

Dude, the marriage stuff is your issues, not hers. She was with you for SEVEN years, and you made no honest committment of marriage. That may be okay with you, but obviously not ok with her, hence why she left. The only saving grace for you here is if you told her, repeatedly, that you NEVER wanted to get married and would NEVER marry her, then that would be on her for being in the relationship in the first place. But even if she was okay with that early on, people change, they GROW UP and want different things. She grew beyond being okay with just being your gf, to wanting to be your wife. You didn't want to make her your wife, she left you. Really can't blame her. You both just wanted different things. And this OP is coming up to (came, as this is an old post and she's since left him) where she was no longer okay with just being this guy's gf.