issues about his drinking

[carroll]

my friend Jayne has been with abusive alcoholics for many years before she met her current hubby of almost 28 years.

he is not abusive and does not drink a whole lot but they do both have some beer(s) in the evenings but i don't

know how many and how often.

 

she does not mind either if he wants to stop off for a few beers after work with a co-worker. she welcomes him home

with open arms and all is well. she seems to have no baggage from drinking abusive ex's that lingered over onto her current marriage.

 

my scenario: i want to be like her. i control alot of the drinking my boyfriend does because i hate him drinking. he has five beers every other

weekend when we go out. he has 1-2 beers when we go to dinner. he has a glass of wine maybe 3-6 nights a week to unwind with.

 

he has a limit of 2 beers at sporting events when i am with him and says that is all he has when i am NOT with him at these games, though i wonder

each time and that is what brings me here today.

 

last night he went to a basket ball game, i asked him before he left how many beers he was going to have, one or two? he said two. i didn't say anything

more. when he came home he smelled strongly of more then two beers and stumbled in the living room, went straight to the bathroom and

brurshed his teeth, left the phone on after his brother called, went to bed early, snored all night and i could smell the beer on his breath.

 

if he kept his word of two beers then i don't think he would of done any of that! but if he drank them fast, faster then what he would drink if i was with

him, then yes that is possible he got a quick buzz off of them.

 

i am very angry about this though. i do'nt know why i have so many hangups about his drinking and other past ex's who also drank. those others were

abusive for the most part, but not all of them. my boyfriend use to drink seven nights a week when we first met but toned it down a few months into

our relationship after my bitching about it.

 

he now drinks near beer every night to qwench his thirst for the taste of it which he says he likes more so then getting drunk. he really don't get drunk even

when we go out and he has five beers cause he drinks one every 30 mns or so, and he knows not to anyway or i get very upset.

 

so i do not know what to do. at one time i told him he would be better off without me then he could drink all he wants when he wants without my telling

or controlling him on this issue.

 

since we are so opposite, he said that i keep him from drinking like he use to and he likes that and needs that. he says he loves me and would be very hurt

if i left him for that reason. i am a stay at home type and he likes to go out and do things, sports, movies, dinners, etc. so we basically complement each other

in those areas by him staying home more versus the bars and my getting out now and then versus staying at home all the time, so opposites do help each other.

 

still my hang up about the drinking persists and i don't know what to do if anything about it. just keep biting the bullet or bitch each time? i would not know where to start

with counseling if that would even help. i just have a hang up about drinking and i do not know that counseling could change that fact!

 

any suggestions?

 

any ideas?

 

any help would be greatly appreciated.

 

thanks in advance.

[carroll]

his brother said they went to dinner first before the game, he went with his sister in law and his brother. he had a mararita (sp) and so did his sister in law. she did not finish hers so she gave it to him, and of course he could not say "no thanks" then his brother thinks he has another one too but not sure. then he did have at least one beer at the game that he knows of cause he went and came back with one beer. even his brother thought he did not need yet another drink! so i am not alone on that at least but his brother maybe has two drinks a year!

 

so i was right in that he had more then what we agreed on and now i am feeling angry again.

[Arabess]

If you don't like drinking and your boyfriend appreciates you helping him drink less....then there is no problem.

 

Some people feel like this about cigarette smoking or porn.

 

You have a right to your individual feelings. As long as you aren't trying to control someone who doesn't wish to be controlled....be glad for your own strengths in this area.

 

I don't see where you need therapy. You sound very stable with your convictions.

[moimeme]

I think you are quite right to be concerned. A lot of people make alcohol part of their everyday lives, but that isn't healthy. Tolerance to alcohol only gets stronger. I don't mind having a drink, but I do so once in a while for a treat, not many times a week as a regular part of my routine. It is a good sign that he chooses near beer because he's looking for the taste, but downing 5 beers with no more than 30 minutes between each is not.

 

He seems willing to honour your wishes. I can only suggest that if you really are concerned, you suggest he look into AA. If a person CANNOT give up alcohol, that's the time to start worrying.

[carroll]

he would never go back to A.A. again. see many years ago he was addicted to crack and i think he just traded one addiction for another one though at times he does admit to that that he did but now he thinks he is okay cause he does not drink seven nights a week like he use to. he would probably have a beer every night if we went out to dinner every night, he rarely has just tea or water, mostly a beer.

 

i know that a beer just one here and there is not an issue with a lot of people but i feel so angry when he has to have at least one with every function that we go to. he says it is just part of the sport. maybe guys understand that part better then i do cause i don't at all.

 

he is saying that drinking is part of the game, and i see plenty of that at games so maybe it is but i am sure that not every person there is drinking beer. oh well, life goes on and so do we and thanks to you that replied.

[carroll]

okay so far this week we went out to eat and he had a beer, then he went to that dinner before the game and had the margaritas, then at the game he had another beer,

then Friday night he had a quart of beer because we did not go out, then tonight we went out for pizza and he had another beer.

 

someone please tell me am i over reacting here cause i honestly don't know!!!!!

so at the pizza place he got upset with me from what i said about him having yet another beer this week, and hardly spoke to me all through dinner.

now home he has hardly said much of anything either so i am in here to get away from him to give him time to himself to think or what ever he needs to do

to get this out of his system.

 

am i being too hard on the guy? i really wish i knew if it was me or if he really is drinking too much, but not at one time, he only drinks a beer when we go out and a quart every other weekend when we don't go out.

 

it does interfere with his life, his job, etcc, but it just bothers me that we can never go any where without him having to have "A" beer.

am i wrong please tell me!

[moimeme]

I don't think so, and more so because he gets angry and defensive. Mind you, people don't like being bugged about something constantly either. But if it were me, I would be disturbed if someone couldn't go out without having a drink.