Married Man

[sally06]

I am seeing a married man. Last night we were talking about our affair, he said we could continue the affair till he got scared.... What does he man by this ? I did not like to question what he ment by it, can you guy give me your views.

Sally

[siuys]

Sorry you're in the situation, Sally. Until he got scared? Blimey. It could mean until his W finds out, until he gets too emotionally involved and realises he can't commit, until you get pissed off at him? No idea, really, but am afraid it is a ridiculous statement, and he doesn't sound like he wants anything more than an A with you... sorry. Maybe you can ask HIM what the hell it means?!

[sally06]

Yes it is a difficult one. We became sexually involved early, then he said he could not do the sex thing anymore!..... then he turn up yesterday and we ended up doing it again, then he came out with we can do this till i get scared. I am lost as to the meaning of this.

[shadowofman]

It means he wants wants all he can get from your relationship until it upsets the rest of his life. Probably until it effects his relationship with his wife. As long as neither of you have any expectations, you may continue to have a good time together. Don't get to emotionally attached. Pretty simple actually as long as it stays simple.

[siuys]

Not sure how realistic to stay 'simple'. Guess some people can do that, and it can work. I sure can't and have since suffered for it! Good luck.

[sally06]

Thanks guys. I felt so bad when he turn up the other day, normally the house is so tidy. But he turned up out of the blue and the house was a mess ! the bed covered in dog hair ! I had not started any of the house work, I felt so bad, he said it did not matter, but I felt so sick. I have told him he must always say before he drops in. By the way I must point out I am not married.

 

Sally.

[TigerCub]

I am seeing a married man. Last night we were talking about our affair, he said we could continue the affair till he got scared.... What does he man by this ? I did not like to question what he ment by it, can you guy give me your views.

Sally

 

He's telling you that the A will be strictly on his terms.

He's pretty much saying, you'll put out and he'll enjoy it until he wants out.

It's all about him in this A.

 

If you want to continue that's up to you, but be sure not to get yourself emotionally involved with him.

Make sure that none of the talk between the 2 of you is sentimental or sweet in any way.

 

Be sure that he doesn't discuss his W with you (because if he starts complaining about her or comparing the 2 of you - with you coming out better) that will get in your head and you'll start wondering "maybe he'll leave her, maybe he loves me..."

 

If you really want this A to be just sex, leave it at that.

have random chit chat, dirty talk, just sex.

but don't cuddle, don't have him stay the night, don't let him get into your head/heart.

 

good luck to you

[greengoddess]

He's telling you that the A will be strictly on his terms.

He's pretty much saying, you'll put out and he'll enjoy it until he wants out.

It's all about him in this A.

 

If you want to continue that's up to you, but be sure not to get yourself emotionally involved with him.

Make sure that none of the talk between the 2 of you is sentimental or sweet in any way.

 

Be sure that he doesn't discuss his W with you (because if he starts complaining about her or comparing the 2 of you - with you coming out better) that will get in your head and you'll start wondering "maybe he'll leave her, maybe he loves me..."

 

If you really want this A to be just sex, leave it at that.

have random chit chat, dirty talk, just sex.

but don't cuddle, don't have him stay the night, don't let him get into your head/heart.

 

good luck to you

 

You basically just gave this woman advice on how to happily continue to be used and abused by this man.

 

I hate this sugar coating crap that people call support just because it is the ow forum.

 

Sally - he is saying he will continue to play with you but the second something happens that would put his "real life" at risk he will bolt. Do you really want to be treated this way? Tell him you are better than this. That you deserve more than this and stop seeing him. You are single. Go out and enjoy life. Why waste it on some jerk he is using you for some fun.

[TaraMaiden]

I am seeing a married man.

How did this come about?

Once you discovered he was married, what compelled you to continue seeing him?

 

Last night we were talking about our affair, he said we could continue the affair till he got scared.... What does he man by this ?

he means that if his wife gets an inkling of the fact that he's a lying cheat, and he is sticking it up someone else, he will drop you like a hot brick, crawl back to her, beg forgiveness, mend his marriage, be contrite.... and then probably, when she's been lulled into a false sense of security, either come back to you for seconds, or find some other willing woman with whom to cheat.

What else do you think it could possibly mean?

 

I did not like to question what he ment by it, can you guy give me your views.

Sally

So you're quite happy to be a complicit participant in accommodating him while he cheats on his wife, and lies to her, and will continue to do so until he is made to stop by circumstances and gets cold feet - you're willing to have him in your bed secretly and illicitly - but you don't like to question him what he meant?

That would be funny, if it wasn't so sad.

[TigerCub]

You basically just gave this woman advice on how to happily continue to be used and abused by this man.

 

If she's going to do it. She should at least know how to have a purely physical relationship with someone without getting involved emotionally.

 

Some people are capable of that - maybe you're not, but some are.

If she just wants a sexual relationship with this guy - then yes, maybe she needs advice on how to go about it without getting dragged in emotionally.

 

You can give her all the "drop him" "leave him" advice, but she's gonna do what she wants to do, and at least this way, if she's going through with it, she'll at least have somethings to keep in mind so as to not get emotionally invested in this guy.

[bentnotbroken]

What does have a dirty place have to do with anything. He should see you with all your flaws, makes you about the same as any other woman(especially his wife) Takes a bit the shine off the fantasy:).

[sally06]

Yeah but the house is always up to scratch when he is coming, its just he turned up before my housework was done, he never even said he was coming over, just turned up. I beat myself up as I hate the thought he might have gone away with, he did say he did not care about what the house looked like! but you see I do, maybe I am petty.

[greengoddess]

Yeah but the house is always up to scratch when he is coming, its just he turned up before my housework was done, he never even said he was coming over, just turned up. I beat myself up as I hate the thought he might have gone away with, he did say he did not care about what the house looked like! but you see I do, maybe I am petty.

 

He's out sneaking to you behind his wifes back and you are worried he is going to judge you over a little bit of mess in the house.

 

This makes me sad. Pick yourself up and get some self esteem. Tell him no next time. Please. You are better than a till he gets scared lay.

[BB07]

You sound very young Sally.........if you don't mind, how old are you?

 

The reason I say this is because your main concern about this relationship seems to be that you had a messy house when he came over.

 

Does it upset you that this guy is married? Do you care for him? Have you spent time reading any of the posts here? Do you get that you are taking a big chance on getting your heart broken and your self esteem shredded? Most women aren't happy with being 2nd in someone's life? Just from the little you posted, it sounds like this guy is making it clear to you that he just wants a little casual fling with you and he wants it on HIS terms. I get the impression that you aren't seeing this situation for what this guy really wants it to be......(just a casual sex thing). Is that what you want?

[TaraMaiden]

Yeah but the house is always up to scratch when he is coming, its just he turned up before my housework was done, he never even said he was coming over, just turned up. I beat myself up as I hate the thought he might have gone away with, he did say he did not care about what the house looked like! but you see I do, maybe I am petty.

 

Oh good grief......!! so all of this, below.....

 

How did this come about?

Once you discovered he was married, what compelled you to continue seeing him?

 

 

he means that if his wife gets an inkling of the fact that he's a lying cheat, and he is sticking it up someone else, he will drop you like a hot brick, crawl back to her, beg forgiveness, mend his marriage, be contrite.... and then probably, when she's been lulled into a false sense of security, either come back to you for seconds, or find some other willing woman with whom to cheat.

What else do you think it could possibly mean?

 

 

So you're quite happy to be a complicit participant in accommodating him while he cheats on his wife, and lies to her, and will continue to do so until he is made to stop by circumstances and gets cold feet - you're willing to have him in your bed secretly and illicitly - but you don't like to question him what he meant?

That would be funny, if it wasn't so sad.

 

you've just ignored and glibly allowed to go straight over your head??

 

Yes, I completely agree.

 

the dog-hairs on the bed can be very off-putting!!

Edited October 3, 2010 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[KatZee]

Yikes.

 

First of all, my question to you is: What do you hope to accomplish by having a "relationship" with a married man?

 

I quote the word relationship, because this will never be one. While he is married, he will never be able to fully invest his emotions, time, and heart... to you.

 

I know a lot of girls/women (don't know how old you are) get caught up in married men because they fall for them and they become their comfort while they spill all the dirty details of their failing marriage. The girl thinks that if she sticks with this man, eventually he'll end his marriage and start dating her.

 

I hate to say but this is rarely what happens in real life. I watched my best friend get screwed with and strung along by at least three men who were married. I kept telling her to STOP with them already, but for some reason she was not learning the lessons and she kept going back.

 

She also dealt with the guys feeling "scared" about the affair. They had all the right to be terrified because they were out having sex with her, while they had wives, and children at home.

 

Not one of these guys ever left their wives for her, and one flat out admitted that he would never leave his wife but that she was something "new and exciting" to experience while he was going through a lull in his marriage.

 

Right now he's using you as something "new and exciting." He's not going to leave his wife. The cost of divorce, lawyers and whatever else goes into divorce is astronomical and most people cannot afford it, so they remain in unhappy marriages while cheating on the side.

 

This cannot even be remotely fulfilling for you. You can't just call him up/see him whenever you want. You're always going to be the other woman.

 

I really think the thing you need to do is end this. I know you may feel you're really into him / may love him. But if you do, that's even more of a reason to get out because over time you're going to start wanting more and more of him and he won't be able to give it to you and in the end YOU'RE the one that's going to be hurt and heartbroken. I have to be blunt here, but this man will never be yours. You aren't and won't be his priority. Just something to use and play with when he sees fit.

[Dexter Morgan]

I am seeing a married man. Last night we were talking about our affair, he said we could continue the affair till he got scared

 

it means he wants to keep having sex on the side until the possibility his wife may catch him.

[carhill]

OP, his words are, in combination with his actions, a form of psychological control. My bet is this started well into the affair, after he'd bedded you and you began to become emotionally attached. This is what womanizers do. Absent positive and proactive actions by you to promote your own health, he will continue to 'see' you until it is no longer convenient for him. That may result from his wife finding out; it might be because he meets someone else. Regardless, he's laid the groundwork for a guilt-free exit. I know how this works because MW's have done the same thing with me over the decades. When it comes to psychological manipulation, the genders are pretty equal IME.

 

I hope you find your way to health. Welcome to LS

[camel's toe]

To echo what others have said, hes just told you that it is all on his terms. As if it wasn't already.

 

Please extricate yourself from this situation now. Before your heart is completely broken because this will only end in tears (yours). There is no happy ending. I say this as someone who has been there and had all the hopes in the world that they would leave. They never did. And, looking back, I'm glad they didn't. because what we don't think of is how messy it would be if they DID leave.

 

You would always be the OW. Get out now.

 

Every second you are with him you are throwing your life away. You won't get that time back.

[sally06]

Thanks for the advice. I do have feelings for him, he has told me he will not leave his wife, I am happy to be the other women. The petty thing that worries me is that the dog hair on the bed may have turned him off ! I keeps going through my mind normally when he comes over I have the good stuff on the bed, but that is when I know he is coming. This time he just turned up out of the blue. :-(

[siuys]

Wow, i think the dog hair is your last problem...

[sally06]

Meaning ??

[Woman In Blue]

Sally, why do you keep totally ignoring all the advice people are giving you and bringing up the stupid dog hair issue like that's the most important thing? Are you OCD or something?

 

Alot of people have taken the time to write long, thoughtful replies to you and you continually IGNORE what they say and obsess about your silly dog hair problem, instead. You seem to have no ability to look at the bigger picture or to comprehend much outside your own little world, so I'm going to assume you're 19 or 20 years old and just don't know any better.

 

Go ahead and continue being used as a playtoy by your married man. Go ahead and continue putting out for him until he's scared that he might get caught. Cause after all, IMPRESSING this cheating sh*it bag by having a clean place to screw you in - with NO dog hair - is MUCH more important than retaining your dignity or pride, right?

 

Youth is SO wasted on the young.

[sally06]

I hear what you are all saying. Ok forgetting the dog hair and house being right for him. I enjoy his company not just the sex, he is a very nice kind person, and is always kind to me. I don't want to loose him as a friend or lover.

[sally06]

I love him so much.