Desparate! This is bad as it gets! Is there any hope at all?

[andysad]

I am really cornered and I would really appreciate any advice anyone could give me.

 

It is just that I am completely lost and I just don’t know what to do next. Here is my story:

 

My wife and I have been married for over three years and have been together for eight. We didn’t have an 'official' wedding three years ago (it was a simple civil ceremony) but she always wanted a grandiose wedding. So in July we had a wedding of he dreams, with all the friends and family and me putting a lot of my savings and heart into it. It was the most amazing day of my life and I thought it was hers as well.

 

Weeks after returning home I started noticing things. My wife and her girlfriend started going out to night clubs ever weekends (always a girls’ night out). She has done this before but it has really intensified after our wedding. It’s gotten to a point where she was starting to spent nights at her girlfriend’s house because it was 'closer' to downtown and she didn’t have to drive that far.

 

 

Then I started uncovering things. It’s been such a painful process, full of deception and lies. First, she became a very distant person. She didn’t want any intimacy and even told me she doesn’t love me anymore. Keep in mind; this was two weeks after our wedding! Then I saw hidden photos hugging a guy in a nightclub. She claimed it was just innocent photos. Then I accidentally saw text messages on her phone between her and the same guy about any evening they spent together. She claimed it was just a drunk mistake - they kissed a couple of times but nothing else happened.

 

 

I grew really suspicious so I started digging. I never thought I’d resort to that but I was hurting so bad I had to know what really was going on so I started checking her correspondence. I didn’t trust my wife anymore. What I started uncovering was getting worse every day. Not only she slept with a guy, they’ve been in a serious relationship for over 4 months, seeing each other almost every other day, before and after our wedding! I was peeling it off layer by layer, finding more truth every day. Finally, I found out she is completely in love with the guy. I was devastated.

 

 

I was on the verge of filing for a divorce. I don’t know how but I found strength to forgive her. We spoke; and after many sleepless nights decided to give it a try. I told her that the only way I can move on if she severs all ties with her lover, never talks to him again, and doesn’t meet or spend time with members of opposite gender without me being present (she’s been going out to lunch with her 'guy friends' - another thing that she was doing) at least for a time being until we can regain the lost trust.

 

 

Unfortunately, more deception and lies continued. She has secretly removed her 'married' status on Facebook so I didn’t see the change but everyone else saw that she is no longer married. She has then put together a birthday greeting on her phone to her lover weeks before his birthday. When I saw it, my heart stopped. She has never written anything even close to that to me during the eight years we’ve been together. When I confronted her, she said she never intended to send it and it was just her way of getting 'closure'. After talking to her, I’ve learnt about how miserable she has been all these years and that she misses the sparks and attraction that we had when we initially met. She found same 'electricity' with this guy.

 

 

After all this, I started blaming myself for what has happened, for neglecting her all these years, and not paying enough attention to her. I really felt like I failed our marriage and I failed her. I promised myself to win her love and devotion back. I’ve worked my butt off for the past month, completely turning my life around, arranging unbelievable things for us, like romantic getaways out of this world. We were doing things that she loves doing and having a good time. I know I could have not done better but I know I probably rushed things. All I wanted was to rekindle that fire. It didn’t work. She said she needs to move out to her friend’s for a couple of weeks so that we can clear our heads. I agreed to that.

 

 

What happened next shook the entire crumbling foundation of any trust I had left for her. On our original marriage's anniversary, which also happens to fall on her lover’s birthday, she did send him the happy birthday message she has so thoughtfully composed weeks before. On top of that, she had a lunch with another 'guy friend' on the same day. Doing the two things she promised she wouldn’t on the day of our anniversary. This time I REALLY thought it was over but she came to see me asking for another chance and I gave it to her.

 

 

What makes things worse is that she has a friend (the copilot in all clubbing and the friend she has stayed with) who is unhappily married and in my opinion has serious issues with values. She is trying to force her husband out of her marriage, cheating on him and acting in ways that honestly make me sick. Unfortunately, all of that has been rubbing on off my wife. They both recently turned 30 and it seems that they think it is the last opportunity to feel young, sexy, wanted, etc. They’ve been going completely wild, crossing many boundaries that I find unethical and unacceptable. For a lack of a better word, I’ve never seen such behavior from my wife or anyone else, for that matter. It makes me sick.

 

 

She has stayed with her friend for the past two weeks. She has also undergone a breast-augmentation surgery (something she has planned for a while) and considering the circumstances, I thought was very distasteful. In any case, I supported her throughout the process and spend days caring after her at her friend’s house, feeding her, taking her for walks, doing her laundry while she was recovering. Regardless of what happened, I thought I had to be there for her and it felt good. We cleared our minds and actually somewhat grew closer together.

 

 

She moved back in yesterday. I really felt like a new beginning. Unfortunately, there is nothing new about it. I recently discovered that she is still talking to her lover (who calls to see how she is doing). She has written him messages about how she wants to be friends with him now. During the time she stayed with her friend she has been hanging out with other guys, communicating to them, and meeting with them on a frequent basis. In one of her messages she referred to me as her 'ex'. Saying she couldn’t meet with one of them because she had to take care of her 'ex'.

 

 

Yes, I had a heart attack at the age of 30 and ended up in a hospital. I didn’t tell her but I almost died that night. They barely saved my life; working on me for 6 hours in the emergency room. She didn’t even show up that night; stopping by the following night to bring me some clothes. How cynical is that? That’s why she couldn’t meet that 'guy friend', because she had to take care of her 'ex' who’s suffered a heart attack.

 

 

I have never felt so betrayed, humiliated, and disgraced in my whole life. The person who I thought I’d spend the rest of my life is turned out to be the most deceitful and dishonest person I have ever met. I feel sick and I feel used. I am still paying most of her bills and I feel the only reason she is still with me is because it would be hard for her to be on her own right now. Every time we’ve discussed the possibility of divorce, when that seemed to be the only option, she would back out and ask me to try and work things out.

 

 

During the past two months my mind has been telling me to end this. But I continue loving her with all my heart, despite seeing this monster that she has become. I really, really love her and I don’t know why. I love her with all my heart but she keeps breaking it every other day (literally smashing it into pieces and landing me in a hospital). I know I deserve much better than this. I am young, good looking and successful. I can have any woman I want, a woman who will love, cherish and respect me. The reason I had a heart attack is because I’ve been battling thoughts, feelings and emotions for over a month, trying to preserve my love for her, trying to forgive and forget. I even came across this quote that kind of changed my life and even sent it to her (she didn’t gratify it with a response, of course):

 

 

If you tell a beautiful woman that she is beautiful, what have you given her? It's no more than a fact and it has cost you nothing. To love a woman for her virtues is meaningless. She's earned it, it's a payment, not a gift. But to love her for her vices is a real gift, unearned and undeserved. To love her for her vices is to defile all virtue for her sake - and that is a real tribute of love, because you sacrifice your conscience, your reason, your integrity and your invaluable self-esteem.

 

 

My question is this: am I completely insane for trying to make it work or is it really over and I’ve been just blind refusing to admit it. Can it really get any worse than this? Is there anyone out there that can honestly say that this whole dysfunctional mess that is our marriage is worth trying to save?

 

 

Any help/advice or thoughts would be very much appreciated! Thank you!

Edited September 29, 2010 by andysad

[FryFish]

Your wife is a stupid, dirty ho... So is her friend.

[mark982]

andysad, the only thing you're going to get outta this, is another heart attack. and this time it just might be the big one. you've gave it your best shot, and in the mean time she's lost all respect for you, as she sees she can trample you, and you still come back for more. for the sake of your health, dump the ho.

[worlybear]

End this. You deserve better. File for divorce a.s.a.p.

[What_Next]

Umm this person is a waste of skin. Dump her sorry a$$.

 

She's a selfish, self centred piece of trash. Get her out of your life and move on to someone that deserves the right to breathe the same air as you.

[seibert253]

Run Forest, run!

 

Your wife is broke and you cannot fix her.

 

Dude, how many chances are you going to give her? When is enough, enough for you? How much longer are you going to tolerate this?

 

Here comes the 2X4, get ready.

She has no respect for you, and IMO you don't respect yourself. If you did, you'd see the writing on the wall, and you'd kicked her to the curb after you gave her a second chance, and she screwed around on you AGAIN.

 

Enough man, come on!

 

You need to contact an attorney, file for D, and one of you needs to move out. Preferibly her. For your own sanity if she doesn't, you do.

 

She's NEVER going to change.

You deserve better.

 

Best of Luck and keep us updated.

[Chrome Barracuda]

you must be a serious glutton for punishment to go back after she cause you a heart attack/ You need to get away from her before she kills you.

 

she was never your FAITHFUL wife, she just used you, but now that you know maybe you can accept it. kick her out and move on with your life, this woman from what you say is truly toxic to the core. After you almost filed you backed down and she continued the affair, why didnt you file? Why dont you expose her for what she is.

 

A WHORE! plain and simple. that is as real as it gets. no amount of love will change this person!!!

[andysad]

Thank you for your advice!

[GorillaTheater]

Be sure to ask your attorney if you can recoup the cost of the wedding this summer from her share of the assets.

 

No kids, right?

[Chrome Barracuda]

Thank you for your advice!

 

I know it's not what you wanted to hear but what you needed to hear and know...

 

Fact remains you gain nothing but heartache staying in the joke of a marriage.

[karnak]

My friend, this in the oppinion of an outsider, who has never met you or your wife:

 

- Your wife never loved you. I believe she has used you since day 1.

 

- She seems like a futile, materialistic being. That "grandiose wedding" **** after you being already married it's a symptom of her fake and façade-like lifestile.

 

- She hasn't lost any respect for you, because I believe she never had none, to begin with.

 

- This woman is sick and mean. And she has completely manipulated and twisted your mind for the last 8 years. In such a way that you almost think you can't live without her. Unfortunately, I know what that is.

 

Many women (and men as well) are so cunning and such masters at manipulation that they manage to convince their spouses that the "cheating" occured due to some sort of neglect from the BS part - "I was alone; you never gave me affection, bla bla bla...

 

I'm sorry that you had to suffer like that, my friend. No-one deserves to go what you went through.

 

Dispose of that woman as you would dispose of the trash. And I hope that, soon, you'll find a woman who'll feel true love for you. I think you really deserve it and have earned it, already.

 

All the best, man

[karnak]

I think that once (some months ago) I already wrote a post with a similar subject... more and more I'm starting to be certain that many (perhaps most?) marriages are a fraud of sorts.

 

A person marrying another without having a real affectionate feeling for them (I don't count lust or passion as noble feelings, sorry). Heck, they can even have kids together without any real altruistic love feelings involved.

 

The same **** can be said of friendships as well. And how difficult it is to find a true friend in life...

 

And these frauds can last for 8, 10, 15 or +20 years.

 

It saddens me, disgusts me and revolts me.

[james3232]

Close joint accounts, cancel credit cards she has access to, call lawyer, file for divorce and lastly, throw her ass out.

[unknown user]

ummm... what they all said.

[devastated 2010]

My heart goes out to you. My husband of 16years (im 38) cheated on me and I am also crushed. Wanna get together? Just kidding.

 

Actually though, I have to say your lady makes my man look like a saint. I am so sorry for you, but I think you really need to get out of that situation as fast as possible. Who knows what VD's she is bringing home to you. Plus she is a liar, selfish, and undeserving of the patience and love you have given her. Im going to give my hubby 1 more chance because everyone makes mistakes and so far he is trying to be a better man and husband. BUT you have given her many opportunities. You have to love yourself more and stop being a doormat for her.

 

I wish you happiness and good health. Good luck.

[The-Zen-Warrior]

Jesus H. Chr*st...........

 

I've heard of bending over and taking one for the team, but this is just ridiculous!

 

How many are you going to take up the keyster for the team? I think it's time to find another team!

 

I would do good, to listen to everyone who has chimed in so far, all of the posts contain good things and advise!

 

Ever hear of the R.M.S. Titanic?...............You get the picture!

[Tiberius]

sorry to break the news to you, but she is the kinda woman to whom marriage is the goal and not the start.

[Chrome Barracuda]

You didn't like the answers you got on the other site. They are pretty much the same.

 

...what other site???

 

he needs to grow some serious balls and kick her to the curb.

[Iconoclast]

You're in trauma and despair. When you come out of it you'll realize that letting her go is the only solution. This is too broken, too abusive to fix. The only people who should even attempt when the spouse goes this waytard is those with children, and even then it's moving mountains.

You'll get better. You're a good person. You've done nothing wrong.

You need a lawyer asap.

You need to get her out of your money asap. She WILL drain you. Protect yourself.

You need to tell everyone who'll listen what is going on, or she will paint you as the devil.

Do not say a word about your actions to her. Just do the above quietly and quickly and file for divorce.

[mplsmama]

Andysad- I'm so sorry that you are going through this! It really sounds like you've given so much of your love and attention to try to make this relationship work. You sound like such a dedicated guy, but unfortunately your wife is not recognizing it. She is a fool.

But unfortunately I think what the others have said is true... she sounds like she wants to have her cake and eat it too. You deserve better. She does not sound like someone who is committed to the marriage. As heartbreaking as it may be, I think it's time to move on. God's blessings to you as you deal with this heartbreaking situation! I can relate... it is definitely not fun!

[Steadfast]

I'm going to respond to your post using the title you gave it.

 

-Desparate!

 

For what? Insights as to why this woman acts the way she does? A solution? The magic formula that will somehow make her fall in love with you? Or is your desperation (spelled correctly) simply caused by the total and complete lack of honesty and virtue in both this woman and your marriage?

 

The only thing you should feel desperate about is finding a way out.

 

This is bad as it gets!

 

No it isn't, and don't ask what is. This portion of your message title reeks of troll-ism. I hope that isn't the case.

Is there any hope at all?

 

If you're sincere, there is hope; for you. There is nothing left in your marriage worth saving, nothing to hope for or about. The best possible scenario for this marriage is keeping her around at some capacity to get used, lied to and generally treated like dirt. Leave. Yesterday. Begin your healing and come back here to LS for the advice and council you'll need.

[tornandmarried]

yeah divorce her, itll make u feel better about yourself....itll be hard but your better off...i handed my cheating wife divorce papers yesterday, wish i had a camera to capture the look on her face haha

[dreamingoftigers]

What seems to make you think that you don't deserve any better?

[tank]

I havent been here in a while as i have been off chasing answers. Here is what advise I can offer you.

 

You need to think about you, no one else. Protect yourself emotionally and financially. Talk to your lawyer, get the ball rolling and stop paying for her. My wife has pushed me to the max, I know how you feel. PROTECT YOURSELF FIRST.

 

Second, you dont NEED anyone to make you happy or complete you. You DONT NEED ANYONE. Your preference is to have a happy marriage. A happy marriage is not a need. You do not need this person in your life.

 

The next question i have for you is this. Is your preference to have your wife in your life, or to live life without her?

 

If your preference is to have her out of your life, cut all ties, cut her off and file the divorce and get it over with. If your preference is to have her in your life then stop reacting to her with emotions. Society tends to make us think of instant gratification and that we need all that we want. If we need something, then my friend its not good for you. If your preference is to have her in your life then try this. Try agreeing with everything she says. Dont fight, argue or tell her she is wrong. Even if she is wrong. Tell her she is right, that you agree with her and you will think more about it. tell her you agree and keep it short. The key here is to always agree with her, always. If your preference is to have her in your life, then by doing this you avoid conflict and you will achieve your preference.

 

Figure out what your preferences are. If its a need then walk away my friend. I have been all over the mapin my quest. I still have the same preference as when i first posted here, but its no longer a need.

 

Many people will tell me im crazy and I need to move on with life and my wife is scum and i deserve better. They are right on most points, i deserve better, but i did have a part in my marriage getting to this point.

 

Hope some of this makes sense to you and its helpful.

[onedayatatyme]

I'm trying to be gentle here because I went through much the same process you are going through and I know how painful it is to be in your shoes. Let me answer by posing a question that my divorce attorney asked me the first time I consulted with him: What in this situation makes you think there is any legitimate hope of reconciliation?

 

Your wife is giving very clear signals and none of them indicate a desire to repair this marriage. You KNOW in your head that you cannot believe anything that comes out of her mouth. So when she says something that you start to twist and turn in your head and your heart starts to hang some hope on it... force yourself to remember that you cannot trust her.

 

I will not make assumptions about your wife's motives. However, I believe that my wife was stringing me along and using me to keep a roof over her head. I firmly believe her intent (conscious or subconscious) was to get herself on her feet then leave me and take the kids. I'm glad I learned of the adultery in time so that didn't happen.