Do the OW & BS "deserve" the same....

[silktricks]

So, I've been thinking a lot based on a few recent threads. There seem to be 2 different "camps" of thinking regarding post affair treatment of both BS & OW.

 

Camp one (call it the OW camp) says both women should be treated the same by the fWS. Both should be given equally good treatment. The fWS (assuming he went back to the BS) should never make any negative or derogatory comments about her - should not "throw her under the bus". He should give her "closure". This camp takes the stand that the MM apparently thought enough of the OW to have a relationship with her, he should treat her well.

 

Camp two (call it the BS camp) says the BS should be the complete focus of attention for the fWS. He should not necessarily say derogatory comments about the fOW, but if he does that is understandable (at least in some situations). This camps says the OW was fully aware that he was married and therefore knew of the possible consequences of having the relationship. She is responsible for having made the choice of being in the relationship and therefore should pick herself up and move along if it doesn't work out.

 

To be completely honest, I'm somewhat torn between the two camps. On the one hand, I feel that all people should be treated respectfully. On the other hand she is responsible for her own choice of participating in a relationship with a married man. So I "get" both camps, and a portion of me agrees with both.

 

What I guess I don't get - and is the real reason for this post is that back in my single days of dating, I didn't expect (nor did I give) hearts and flowers at the end of a relationship. If things didn't work out, they didn't work out. Yeah, the guy could have been all full of "I love you and want to spend my life with you", but sh*t happens, and I love you and want to spend my life with you can and does turn into "what was I thinking! You aren't the person I thought you were!" on a number of issues. I didn't expect him to go out of his way to break up nicely - and I guess I wasn't all that gentle with some of my breakups either. Hey, it was nice, it's over, move along...

 

So.... what's the difference or is there a difference if the romance is illicit? It appears to me (and I could easily be dead wrong and just out of the dating game for waaayyyy to long to relate) that more is expected by women at the end of an EMA then at the end of an affair.

 

BTW, this is not intended to be rude or start a flame war. I simply would like a discussion. !!

[flying]

So, I've been thinking a lot based on a few recent threads. There seem to be 2 different "camps" of thinking regarding post affair treatment of both BS & OW.

 

Camp one (call it the OW camp) says both women should be treated the same by the fWS. Both should be given equally good treatment. The fWS (assuming he went back to the BS) should never make any negative or derogatory comments about her - should not "throw her under the bus". He should give her "closure". This camp takes the stand that the MM apparently thought enough of the OW to have a relationship with her, he should treat her well.

 

Camp two (call it the BS camp) says the BS should be the complete focus of attention for the fWS. He should not necessarily say derogatory comments about the fOW, but if he does that is understandable (at least in some situations). This camps says the OW was fully aware that he was married and therefore knew of the possible consequences of having the relationship. She is responsible for having made the choice of being in the relationship and therefore should pick herself up and move along if it doesn't work out.

 

To be completely honest, I'm somewhat torn between the two camps. On the one hand, I feel that all people should be treated respectfully. On the other hand she is responsible for her own choice of participating in a relationship with a married man. So I "get" both camps, and a portion of me agrees with both.

 

What I guess I don't get - and is the real reason for this post is that back in my single days of dating, I didn't expect (nor did I give) hearts and flowers at the end of a relationship. If things didn't work out, they didn't work out. Yeah, the guy could have been all full of "I love you and want to spend my life with you", but sh*t happens, and I love you and want to spend my life with you can and does turn into "what was I thinking! You aren't the person I thought you were!" on a number of issues. I didn't expect him to go out of his way to break up nicely - and I guess I wasn't all that gentle with some of my breakups either. Hey, it was nice, it's over, move along...

 

So.... what's the difference or is there a difference if the romance is illicit? It appears to me (and I could easily be dead wrong and just out of the dating game for waaayyyy to long to relate) that more is expected by women at the end of an EMA then at the end of an affair.

 

BTW, this is not intended to be rude or start a flame war. I simply would like a discussion. !!

 

An interesting point, silk. It makes me wonder whether that should be applied to the end of a marriage as well? (Also not intending to start a flame war, just taking this to the next step.)

 

I'm coming at this from the perspective of a former BS (now divorced); after DDay, I was of course devastated, and even moreso because the exH seemed so surprised that I wasn't prepared to just shake hands and move on. His own perspective at the time was "shXt happens, get over it" and he actually said at one point, "I just don't love you anymore, why is that so hard to understand?" (Charming.)

 

Of course, you're talking about situations in which the WS breaks up with the OP. But if the reverse is the case, I wonder what treatment it's fair for the BS to expect? Guess that's a question for OW. I'm thinking of Brokenlady's thread - not trying to flame her, I think she's doing the best she can under the circumstances - but that is a situation where people want the BS to move on with her life and she (the BS) clearly doesn't have closure and feels entitled to more.

 

Eh, I don't know the answer but it is an interesting question.

 

I'm not sure what's right morally/philosophically, but from a pragmatic point of view, I suspect the WS is usually going to treat well the person whose good graces s/he values more highly - that is, the one s/he wants to reconcile with. The other person is more likely to get thrown under the bus for expediency's sake, I suppose.

Edited September 29, 2010 by flying

[HappyAtLast]

In my humble opinion, it is inappropriate for the man to badmouth either woman post affair, regardless of with whom he winds up (if either).

 

In the case of the affair partner, if I thought enough of a woman to engage in a relationship with he,r bad-mouthing her only makes me look foolish. The same applies to saying bad things about the woman that I had been married to.

 

Certainly the act of having an affair is inherently disrespectful to your spouse, but that is a given byproduct of actually having the affair. To speak badly of either or your partners after the fact is just silly, I think.

 

From a man's perspective, when the occasional former married man bashes his OW on these boards, it sounds weak, as though he is not taking responsibility for his actions. Also, quite frankly, when I read such things I wonder if his BS is reading also.

 

Both women are deserving of decent treatment. Speaking badly of the OW after the fact is not a given because the spouse was hurt by the affair. One has nothing to do with the other.

[Summer Breeze]

So, I've been thinking a lot based on a few recent threads. There seem to be 2 different "camps" of thinking regarding post affair treatment of both BS & OW.

 

Camp one (call it the OW camp) says both women should be treated the same by the fWS. Both should be given equally good treatment. The fWS (assuming he went back to the BS) should never make any negative or derogatory comments about her - should not "throw her under the bus". He should give her "closure". This camp takes the stand that the MM apparently thought enough of the OW to have a relationship with her, he should treat her well.

When I was a BS I didn't want to hear my exH be disrespectful about his OW. She fell in love with someone who led her to believe he was available. He led her to believe he was available. I'd have popped him one if he'd been disrespectful. That includes throwing her under the bus. As far as closure-I gave her that in the form of him. As an OW we didn't speak of his W. She wasn't part of our R.

 

Camp two (call it the BS camp) says the BS should be the complete focus of attention for the fWS. He should not necessarily say derogatory comments about the fOW, but if he does that is understandable (at least in some situations). This camps says the OW was fully aware that he was married and therefore knew of the possible consequences of having the relationship. She is responsible for having made the choice of being in the relationship and therefore should pick herself up and move along if it doesn't work out.

Pretty much see above. The only thing I'd add is that if a WS is filling the OW/OM full of bull and lies then he owes her some closure and honesty just as he damned well does to the BS. Dday is a day he should be accountable to them both. My exMM didn't lie to me. He always said he'd do whatever he needed to to get home and he did. According to his W he never threw me under the bus.

 

To be completely honest, I'm somewhat torn between the two camps. On the one hand, I feel that all people should be treated respectfully. On the other hand she is responsible for her own choice of participating in a relationship with a married man. So I "get" both camps, and a portion of me agrees with both.

 

What I guess I don't get - and is the real reason for this post is that back in my single days of dating, I didn't expect (nor did I give) hearts and flowers at the end of a relationship. If things didn't work out, they didn't work out. Yeah, the guy could have been all full of "I love you and want to spend my life with you", but sh*t happens, and I love you and want to spend my life with you can and does turn into "what was I thinking! You aren't the person I thought you were!" on a number of issues. I didn't expect him to go out of his way to break up nicely - and I guess I wasn't all that gentle with some of my breakups either. Hey, it was nice, it's over, move along...

To a point I agree. If someone's been filling you full of promises and been doing their best to get you to believe you're in with a chance and all you have to do is wait and then they dump you-I think you deserve an explanation and some venting room of your own and then you say it's over and move along. Most normal breakups happen because an event occurs or small things build up. It's very seldom that short and that sharp and potentially full of lies.

 

So.... what's the difference or is there a difference if the romance is illicit? It appears to me (and I could easily be dead wrong and just out of the dating game for waaayyyy to long to relate) that more is expected by women at the end of an EMA then at the end of an affair.

Any relationship ending deserves the respect of an end. That doesn't mean it needs to be long and drawn out. It means that there should be a conversation, maybe some venting, tears, and good bye. To me that's just the right way to do it. Nothing long and drawn out. Just a respectful end.

 

BTW, this is not intended to be rude or start a flame war. I simply would like a discussion. !!

 

I don't think an OW/OM should be treated any better than the BS but I don't think they should be treated any less than any other human. How they react after the end can change how I think they should be dealt with but the goodbye should be respectful.

[Snowflower]

Should be an interesting thread, if it gets going!

 

IMO, I hate to see anyone told (whether it is IRL or here on LS) to "just get over the relationship already." It totally discounts the feelings of the person who is hurt!

 

When I was a new BS, I was told by several people (IRL) to just dump my husband and to move forward. I was in so much pain at that time I could hardly function! I think their comments were well-meaning, trying to get me going in a forward direction, but not what I needed. I needed help trying to get through the day at that point!

 

It's real easy for someone to say "yeah, you need to get over him/the relationship" when they are not the ones who are hurting. It is so easy to be callous toward another one's pain and apply what you (general you) think you would do in that situation.

[Summer Breeze]

An interesting point, silk. It makes me wonder whether that should be applied to the end of a marriage as well? (Also not intending to start a flame war, just taking this to the next step.)

 

I'm coming at this from the perspective of a former BS (now divorced); after DDay, I was of course devastated, and even moreso because the exH seemed so surprised that I wasn't prepared to just shake hands and move on. His own perspective at the time was "shXt happens, get over it" and he actually said at one point, "I just don't love you anymore, why is that so hard to understand?" (Charming.)

 

Of course, you're talking about situations in which the WS breaks up with the OP. But if the reverse is the case, I wonder what treatment it's fair for the BS to expect? Guess that's a question for OW. I'm thinking of Brokenlady's thread - not trying to flame her, I think she's doing the best she can under the circumstances - but that is a situation where people want the BS to move on with her life and she (the BS) clearly doesn't have closure and feels entitled to more.

 

Eh, I don't know the answer but it is an interesting question.

 

I'm not sure what's right morally/philosophically, but from a pragmatic point of view, I suspect the WS is usually going to treat well the person whose good graces s/he values more highly - that is, the one s/he wants to reconcile with. The other person is more likely to get thrown under the bus for expediency's sake, I suppose.

 

 

Yup. I'd say you're dead on there. I don't think it's the right thing to do for the WS but it probably is the reaction to be expected.

[BB07]

In my humble opinion, it is inappropriate for the man to badmouth either woman post affair, regardless of with whom he winds up (if either).

 

In the case of the affair partner, if I thought enough of a woman to engage in a relationship with he,r bad-mouthing her only makes me look foolish. The same applies to saying bad things about the woman that I had been married to.

 

Certainly the act of having an affair is inherently disrespectful to your spouse, but that is a given byproduct of actually having the affair. To speak badly of either or your partners after the fact is just silly, I think.

 

From a man's perspective, when the occasional former married man bashes his OW on these boards, it sounds weak, as though he is not taking responsibility for his actions. Also, quite frankly, when I read such things I wonder if his BS is reading also.

 

Both women are deserving of decent treatment. Speaking badly of the OW after the fact is not a given because the spouse was hurt by the affair. One has nothing to do with the other.

 

I love this post, and I wish I had said it, but since I didn't.......I agree with it 100%. Ideally this is how "it should be", but yet we are fallible human beings and with the ending of any relationship there are a lot of difficult feelings to sort through and I think an affair relationship probably ups the difficulty by several notches for all involved.

[HappyAtLast]

Yup. I'd say you're dead on there. I don't think it's the right thing to do for the WS but it probably is the reaction to be expected.

 

There is always going to be one woman who the man protects most. In my case, my affair partner was my priority. However, that did not mean specific bad treatment towards my then wife.

[thomasb]

INHO, alot depends on the behaviors and personalities of the people involved. We all wish for happiness and sunshine... it doesn't always work out that way.

[HappyAtLast]

INHO, alot depends on the behaviors and personalities of the people involved. We all wish for happiness and sunshine... it doesn't always work out that way.

 

Agree. But we are all responsible for engaging in both relationships, true? Had we not engaged in an emr, the happiness and sunshine of the folks involved lives would never have been disrupted.

[2sure]

I did not allow my husband the luxery of bad mouthing OW in an effort to deflect blame from himself or as a misguided attempt to make me feel I was the better woman.

 

I also did not allow him to protect or defend the people who had encroached on my personal life, invited by him or not.

 

I did, on the other hand, reveal to OW what an idiot he was and in how many ways...which I think OW enjoyed as much as myself.

 

My H did not have emotional attachements to his OW, beyond liking the validation they gave his ego so, I guess its different. But had there been one single long term special OW, I still would have demanded from him and from her immediate extaction from personal life as long as he was married to me. After which, I would gladly drop him off on her doorstep.With a cake.

[HappyAtLast]

I did not allow my husband the luxery of bad mouthing OW in an effort to deflect blame from himself or as a misguided attempt to make me feel I was the better woman.

 

 

Smart woman. Because that is all that he would have been doing.

[Silly_Girl]

So, I've been thinking a lot based on a few recent threads. There seem to be 2 different "camps" of thinking regarding post affair treatment of both BS & OW.

 

Camp one (call it the OW camp) says both women should be treated the same by the fWS. Both should be given equally good treatment. The fWS (assuming he went back to the BS) should never make any negative or derogatory comments about her - should not "throw her under the bus". He should give her "closure". This camp takes the stand that the MM apparently thought enough of the OW to have a relationship with her, he should treat her well.

 

Camp two (call it the BS camp) says the BS should be the complete focus of attention for the fWS. He should not necessarily say derogatory comments about the fOW, but if he does that is understandable (at least in some situations). This camps says the OW was fully aware that he was married and therefore knew of the possible consequences of having the relationship. She is responsible for having made the choice of being in the relationship and therefore should pick herself up and move along if it doesn't work out.

 

To be completely honest, I'm somewhat torn between the two camps. On the one hand, I feel that all people should be treated respectfully. On the other hand she is responsible for her own choice of participating in a relationship with a married man. So I "get" both camps, and a portion of me agrees with both.

 

What I guess I don't get - and is the real reason for this post is that back in my single days of dating, I didn't expect (nor did I give) hearts and flowers at the end of a relationship. If things didn't work out, they didn't work out. Yeah, the guy could have been all full of "I love you and want to spend my life with you", but sh*t happens, and I love you and want to spend my life with you can and does turn into "what was I thinking! You aren't the person I thought you were!" on a number of issues. I didn't expect him to go out of his way to break up nicely - and I guess I wasn't all that gentle with some of my breakups either. Hey, it was nice, it's over, move along...

 

So.... what's the difference or is there a difference if the romance is illicit? It appears to me (and I could easily be dead wrong and just out of the dating game for waaayyyy to long to relate) that more is expected by women at the end of an EMA then at the end of an affair.

 

BTW, this is not intended to be rude or start a flame war. I simply would like a discussion. !!

 

Silk, I'm really interested in this thread, but firstly it'd be good to know what it is you mean in the bolded (by me). What sort of things do you mean, and what gives you this impression?

 

Thanks

[silktricks]

Agree. But we are all responsible for engaging in both relationships, true? Had we not engaged in an emr, the happiness and sunshine of the folks involved lives would never have been disrupted.

 

So are you saying that the personality of the OW post affair is the responsibility of the MM - not herself? And the logical conclusion that if a fOW begins harassment at the end of the affair, that it is the responsibility of the MM? I don't buy that. Had both AP not engaged in the EMA there would have been a lot less disruption. The OW is just as responsible for her actions as is the MM for his.

 

My H never said bad things about the OW, nor did I, until after she began harassing us. The happiness and sunshine in her life may not have been "disrupted" had she not had an affair with my husband (mine wouldn't have been either, BTW ). She also had control over whether or not she engaged in the affair. It wasn't just on him. Her actions were despicable after he terminated it. Apparently, they were despicable because she didn't get what she wanted - him - as he was completely gentlemanly in the termination.

[Spark1111]

Interesting thread Silk!

 

I am not sure on this. When I was single and in relationships, it worked out or it did not.

 

Rejection hurts, period. And if he liked/loved me more than I him....well, I used the old 'It's not you, it's me..." speech often.

 

Is that closure? I don't know if it is.

 

But I always treated everyone with respect, and hoped they would do the same. Didn't always happen. Too many volatile emotions at the ending of any relatiosnhip, IMHO.

 

I find the Affair triangle somewhat different in its expectations: two people want the same person, and I think that it ratchets up the intensity of emotions somewhat.

 

How can it not?

 

The OW/OM if they love their AP are hoping to have a future with them.

 

The BS does not know they are about to lose, or have already lost, their partner to someone else.

 

So maybe in this very volatile situation people begin to hope that their affections win out or aren't thrown out.

 

And it is not the developing of feelings for another that hurts so much, (although rejection does hurt), but unlike those early boyfriends, NO ONE had the decency to break up with me before dating another.

 

And that's a whole other ballgame, as far as I am concerned.

 

So, I would speculate he treated her with MORE RESPECT during the affair, because having an affair is one of the most disrespectful actions a person could perpetrate against an unknowing spouse.

 

Being the person to engage in the affair, knowing your partner is married is also equally disrespectful. You should have made him break up with me first.

 

So what do they owe each other at the end of an affair?

 

Who cares?

 

Not me.

 

I was the victim in all of this lying and secrecy and nonsense.

 

If he made promises to her he did not keep, well he so very obviously made promises to me he did not keep.

 

No shocker there for her. For me, yes. But not her.

[Spark1111]

So are you saying that the personality of the OW post affair is the responsibility of the MM - not herself? And the logical conclusion that if a fOW begins harassment at the end of the affair, that it is the responsibility of the MM? I don't buy that. Had both AP not engaged in the EMA there would have been a lot less disruption. The OW is just as responsible for her actions as is the MM for his.

 

My H never said bad things about the OW, nor did I, until after she began harassing us. The happiness and sunshine in her life may not have been "disrupted" had she not had an affair with my husband (mine wouldn't have been either, BTW ). She also had control over whether or not she engaged in the affair. It wasn't just on him. Her actions were despicable after he terminated it. Apparently, they were despicable because she didn't get what she wanted - him - as he was completely gentlemanly in the termination.

 

Well, there you go.

 

The volatile Affair triangle to a tee.

 

Someone wins, someone loses.

 

So very unlike a relationship that is not an affair. We both win, or lose, or I lose you or you lose me.

 

No third party hurt beyond belief. The triangle, IMHO, set up a winner and a loser, all based on a third-party choice.

 

Some will handle it with grace and dignity, some will have vitriol, manipulation or revenge fantasies.

 

Cannot predict the outcome without knowing the personalities and to the extent in which they wre devastated by FALSE promises or false premises.

[Spark1111]

In my humble opinion, it is inappropriate for the man to badmouth either woman post affair, regardless of with whom he winds up (if either).

 

In the case of the affair partner, if I thought enough of a woman to engage in a relationship with he,r bad-mouthing her only makes me look foolish. The same applies to saying bad things about the woman that I had been married to.

 

Certainly the act of having an affair is inherently disrespectful to your spouse, but that is a given byproduct of actually having the affair. To speak badly of either or your partners after the fact is just silly, I think.

 

From a man's perspective, when the occasional former married man bashes his OW on these boards, it sounds weak, as though he is not taking responsibility for his actions. Also, quite frankly, when I read such things I wonder if his BS is reading also.

 

Both women are deserving of decent treatment. Speaking badly of the OW after the fact is not a given because the spouse was hurt by the affair. One has nothing to do with the other.

 

Sorry Happy at Last to disagree with you bud.

 

It depends on the OW.

 

Some OW are vengeful, spiteful, and manipulative.

 

Just like some BSs are.

 

Just like some MPs.

 

Let's say you end your affair or your marriage with dignity and grace.

 

And one of those women, the ONE you did not choose, goes crazy on your Azz and the partner you did pick, and makes both your lives a living hell.

 

What then HAL?

 

Bet you didn't see that coming, did you?

 

And the person you picked to engage in a relationship, whether it was your OW or your spouse, is NOW acting viciously, vindictively, vengefully towards you and your chosen partner.

 

You are seeing black sides of their personality you never ever saw before.

 

What then HAL?

 

Because it happens every day.

[porter218]

I don't think the WS should be speaking badly of anyone because they haven't a leg to stand on IMHO. I think both the OW and BS should treat MM like the dog he is and both move on. Every affair is different. I would think bad treatment or anything else of that nature should only go to those whom act badly aside from participating in an A.

[silktricks]

Silk, I'm really interested in this thread, but firstly it'd be good to know what it is you mean in the bolded (by me). What sort of things do you mean, and what gives you this impression?

 

Thanks

 

Sorry, I tried to be clear, but can obviously be lacking in that department . Way back when, when I was dating, it didn't seem that anyone ever expected really anything at the end of a relationship. You were either the dumper or the dumpee. Either party pretty much accepted that it was over and moved on.

 

It appears to me from LS that either relationships in general have changed, and this is no longer the case, OR that by its very nature there is more expectation of kindness and even love at the end of the relationship.

[HappyAtLast]

So are you saying that the personality of the OW post affair is the responsibility of the MM - not herself? And the logical conclusion that if a fOW begins harassment at the end of the affair, that it is the responsibility of the MM? I don't buy that. Had both AP not engaged in the EMA there would have been a lot less disruption. The OW is just as responsible for her actions as is the MM for his.

 

My H never said bad things about the OW, nor did I, until after she began harassing us. The happiness and sunshine in her life may not have been "disrupted" had she not had an affair with my husband (mine wouldn't have been either, BTW ). She also had control over whether or not she engaged in the affair. It wasn't just on him. Her actions were despicable after he terminated it. Apparently, they were despicable because she didn't get what she wanted - him - as he was completely gentlemanly in the termination.

 

Certainly not, everyone owns their own bad behavior. What I AM saying is that, as a man who choose to enter into an affair, I was well aware that it could end badly and that there was potential for craziness on anyone's part. An affair is a conscious decision that one should not enter without first considering the potential consequences. Not excusing bad behavior, just saying that had the affair never taken place, any resulting bad behavior on anyone's part would not have taken place either.

[Silly_Girl]

Sorry, I tried to be clear, but can obviously be lacking in that department . Way back when, when I was dating, it didn't seem that anyone ever expected really anything at the end of a relationship. You were either the dumper or the dumpee. Either party pretty much accepted that it was over and moved on.

 

It appears to me from LS that either relationships in general have changed, and this is no longer the case, OR that by its very nature there is more expectation of kindness and even love at the end of the relationship.

 

Gotcha!! Cheers

 

I think there's more fluffy-stuff around relationships. More "TALKING", you know, sharing, acknowledging feelings... the navel-gazing stuff has of course spilled over in to partnerships, relationships, marriages, affairs. I think in the world in general people pay more attention to that stuff. Good indicator is how many people have had/do have IC/MC these days, than 'way back when'. It's all part of the same trend.

 

I don't see any indication that AP's expect more from an ending than where there are 2 people. I have a theory that because the reader thinks 'Doh! You KNEW he was married' there's maybe an expectation that a big fat zero at the end should be acceptable to the AP, and of course it rarely is, in ANY relationship scenario.

 

Also, the OW/OM's on LS often aren't talking about a sit-down chat of 'honey, it's not working out, goodbye'. They're often talking about multiple break-ups; flip-flopping; LC/NC while MM/MW does x/y/z; playing 2 sexual/emotional partners along at once; and so on. Very rarely are the OW/OM's simply referring to a break-up in the most common sense of the word, I don't think. So it's a bit misleading, LS is.

[HappyAtLast]

Sorry Happy at Last to disagree with you bud.

 

It depends on the OW.

 

Some OW are vengeful, spiteful, and manipulative.

 

Just like some BSs are.

 

Just like some MPs.

 

Let's say you end your affair or your marriage with dignity and grace.

 

And one of those women, the ONE you did not choose, goes crazy on your Azz and the partner you did pick, and makes both your lives a living hell.

 

What then HAL?

 

Bet you didn't see that coming, did you?

 

And the person you picked to engage in a relationship, whether it was your OW or your spouse, is NOW acting viciously, vindictively, vengefully towards you and your chosen partner.

 

You are seeing black sides of their personality you never ever saw before.

 

What then HAL?

 

Because it happens every day.

 

Absolutely agree. As I said in a prior post on this thread, to engage in an EMR is a choice. A choice that one should not make without fully considering that exactly what you have described above could happen. Had the married person not engaged in the EMR, the above could not have happened.

[Spark1111]

Certainly not, everyone owns their own bad behavior. What I AM saying is that, as a man who choose to enter into an affair, I was well aware that it could end badly and that there was potential for craziness on anyone's part. An affair is a conscious decision that one should not enter without first considering the potential consequences. Not excusing bad behavior, just saying that had the affair never taken place, any resulting bad behavior on anyone's part would not have taken place either.

 

HAL, if what I read at LS, and what I have seen in RL, I know of almost no one who makes a conscious decision to enter in an affair.

 

It take a million little steps to get into one. It rarely just happens. The spouse is not even a blip on anyone's radar. Yet, over and over agin we read that the attraction to another overrides all sense and reason.

 

So if you conciously decided to enter into your affair while considering the potential consequences of your behavior and it's effects on others, I would venture to say you are a very rare individual indeed.

 

Because few do.

[Spark1111]

Absolutely agree. As I said in a prior post on this thread, to engage in an EMR is a choice. A choice that one should not make without fully considering that exactly what you have described above could happen. Had the married person not engaged in the EMR, the above could not have happened.

 

Oh, no argument there!

[HappyAtLast]

I absolutely was fully aware of the potential consequences prior to entering into an affair. I personally do not believe that things "just happen" in life.

 

edited to add that I do believe everyone enters into their affair consciously, whether or not they want to admit it to themselves is an entirely different story. To admit it to themselves, as an adult, would also mean having to consider the consequences. Easier to say it "just happened."

Edited September 29, 2010 by HappyAtLast
added last paragraph