cdonn17 Posted February 26, 2004 Share Posted February 26, 2004 I need something advice, I am very confused about a recent break up. My boyfriend and I had gone out for about 2 and half wonderful years. This guy would seriously do anything for me. I began to attend college this fall, about 2 hours away from where he is. And first semester, our relationship went beautifully through the transition. The problem began to emerge when I started talking online to a guy friend of mine from high school. We'd talk for long hours online at night, and it was always funny and entertaining. I started neglecting my boyfriend, telling him that he was obsessive and shouldn't call as much, mainly so I didn't have to talk to two people at once. I kind of realized I was being dumb at this point, and started communicating again. My boyfriend would try to come up and visit me at least once a month, and we'd always see eachother on breaks and stuff, and had the best times. Around Christmas break, I started pushing him away. I just kind of closed myself off and began acting very cold towards him. I've done this before in a previous relationship, when I wanted to end it, but couldn't find anything wrong with the relationship. I came back home for break, and he went on a ski trip he had been planning for a long time. I decided to hang out with the guy friend I had been talking online with so long, and just chill and stuff. This was the start of many big huge giant mistakes. My boyfriend was understanding, and didn't mind that i wanted to hang out with my friend. The problems began when my boyfriend came back from his trip and I refused to see him. I think this was out of fear that I'd realize I still had lots of feelings for him, and I didn't want to see that I was hurting him. I was just kind of running from him, but stumbling blindly in the dark at the same time. I finally relented and saw him, and had a great time. But I also kept discussing taking a "break" to be single and stuff like that. I'd tell him I still loved him ( I truely did and still do), but for some reason I was possessed to hang out with my guy friend, and blow off my boyfriend. This kept going on for sometime, until I broke up with my boyfriend. It was painful, and I couldn't even do it myself, I had to trick him into saying it would be the best thing for us. I was completely heart broken and knew that all of these mistakes would catch up with me. About 2 days later, my guy friend asked me out, and I was completely caught off guard. I didn't expect that from him at all. I went home that night, and couldn't sleep a wink, because I was even more confused by this recent turn of events. So in the morning, I emailed them both, telling my guyfriend that it was just too weird to date him, and I didn't know what to do now, and I sent one to my ex, saying that I couldn't believe I had tried to throw it all away. We made up, and it was all wonderful again. But then I began spazing out, thinking that I had ruined our relationship, and I got very confused. He was willing to work it all out and figure things out with me, but I thought the best thing to do, was to tell him I didn't love him. I did this, and I could tell that I completely broke his heart. I don't know what possessed me to do that, and I immediately knew I was wrong for opening my mouth at all. About a week later, things settled down again, and I realized I was completely dumb. We began dating again, but the day before I left to return to college, I told him we should still take a break, and I knew that just hurt him immensely. But he humoured me and agreed we'd take a break. Back at college, I kept running from any feelings, and just pretended it was all o.k. About a month later, I realized I had too much love, and too great of a relationship to give it up. I called him up, and we began talking again. We had wonderful conversation, and I began to tearfully apologize and realize how much I hurt him. He was there for me through it all, and comforted me and listened to everything I had to say. But when it came time for me to ask for him to go back out with me, he refused, saying that I had broken his trust immensely, and I knew this was true, because I had been given so many chances. He was willing to go with the idea of getting back in the future, he said once summer comes and we are back in the same town, we can give it another chance, because then we'll be in the same town, and he can build his trust back up again. I fought his idea for quite awhile, but realized I was the one that wronged him, and I had to let him heal. We still talk and get along quite well. I have great faith in him, and know that he just needs time. The problem is, I was in a relationship like this once before, where a guy said we could try it again later, and I waited and waited and waited, and was hurt very badly when it all ended up being a lie, and I was crushed. I know this is a completely different situation, but my silly female mind can't help but find associations between the two. I know hes the one, and I completely realize how dumb my mistakes were. Another problem with this, is that his brother has had an on again, off again, relationship with a g/f who has slept with at least 2 people while dating him, and they have been yo-yoing for the past 7 years. I know he thinks about that situation a lot, and he would hate to make his brother's mistake. I always tell him I didn't sleep with anyone, or do anything like that, but he still sees how much pain his brother is constantly in. Does anyone think this will work out again? I am pretty sure its just going to take patience. I just need some serious reassurance. 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moimeme Posted February 26, 2004 Share Posted February 26, 2004 I think you should use the time until you see him again to go spend some time with a counsellor to explore why it is that you sabotage your own relationships. Else, doubtless, you'll do it again when he comes back to you. If you tell him that you've sought help, it may help to allay his fears that you're going to bounce him again. Link to post Share on other sites
justcurious Posted February 28, 2004 Share Posted February 28, 2004 moi, Why do you think people sabotage relationships? I know your not a therapist but you seem to have good insight. Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted February 28, 2004 Share Posted February 28, 2004 Originally posted by justcurious Why do you think people sabotage relationships? People sabotage their relationships either because they thrive on the drama and pain that it creates, or they fear the healthy relationships that might ensue. Heartbreak is a lot easier than maintaining a healthy relationship, and a lot more exciting as well. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted February 28, 2004 Share Posted February 28, 2004 I think there's more to it than that, Dyer. People do things sometimes for reasons that burble under the surface that they don't even know about. If they don't get therapy, they often continue in self-destructive patterns without ever knowing why. They may feel, deep down, that they don't deserve love. They may end relationships to avoid them being ended by the other person. If there was one single answer, people wouldn't need therapy to sort themselves out. Something in somebody's past or some idea they've picked up goes to work on their psyche and causes them to behave a certain way. It takes a bit of work to tease out what those influences might have been. BTW, thanks for the compliment, justcurious! Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted February 28, 2004 Share Posted February 28, 2004 Agreed, and I didn't mean to imply it was a conscious decision, just to suggest it was something that could be controlled, with help if neccessary. Link to post Share on other sites
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