About to be married – Please Help – Fiancé Issues

[GJS]

I am planning on getting married this October, but I am having second thoughts. I love my fiancé very much and can’t imagine being without her, but several thing have happened. When we first started dating I asked her about her past relationships, she told me one thing and later I found out she was lying to me, this happened about 5-6 times. Her past doesn’t really bother me but she had done thing in her past that she won’t even think about doing with me. When we first met she was al over me now she doesn’t want to touch me sexually. Now there is a block between us caused by sex and I don’t want that between us.

 

Another problem I have is her ex-husband. They are still in contact with each other because they have a son together, which is good for the kids sake. What gets me is that she stills talks to her ex about everything, even if we talk about something and I think it is settled she will still ask her ex for his opinion. She keeps telling me that the only reason she is in contact with her ex is because of her son. She has told me that she loves me more than she has loved anyone and the only reason she married he ex was because she was pregnant. She tells me that she hates her past and is not proud of some of the things she had done, but she still has all of the pictures or her past boyfriends, letters and things like that. I feel if she hates her past why keep these things around.

 

Is it kind of normal for me to be jealous about her past relationships and is it normal for her lack of sex drive (she is 35). Any help or suggestions would be appreciated. Thanks.

[Arabess]

I think until you resolve all your issues......you should put the marriage plans on hold.

 

The lies about the past broke some of your trust.

 

The conversations she has with her 'ex'...should be about their 'child'.....not her life with you or anyone else.

 

You are rightfully feeling disrespected. That's NO FOUNDATION for a marriage.

 

Have you talked to her about all these apprehensions you are facing?

[GJS]

I have talked to her about several of these things and she tells me that her past is in the past and she doesn't want to think about it. About our sex life we have been talking about it for several months and she keeps promising me things will get better but nothing has happened. And as far as her ex she tells me that she is just trying to heep a good relationship up for the sake of her son and she feels nothing for him anymore, sha never really did but just married beacuse of her son. She tells me that she wants to spend the rest of her life with me.

 

I am nervous that she has been divorced once the second time may not be that hard. I don't know if I am overreacting and should just put all of this behind us and continue our lives together, or if we should talk about everything so it doesn't come up in the future. If I know about everything I know about it and I would not lay in bed at night wondering about what she has done in her past. ?????????

[Benedict]

Her past doesn’t really bother me

 

That is good; it shouldn't bother you (barring anything really out of the ordinary...) I personally believe that her past should stay mostly that. At 35, you know she has a past, and it may involve some - or a lot - of stuff that she does not feel comfortable sharing with you. How did you find out she was lying?

 

When we first met she was al over me now she doesn’t want to touch me sexually. Now there is a block between us caused by sex and I don’t want that between us.

 

It is pretty normal for desire to slack off after a while. How long have you been together? That is a big factor in the slackening off part. There is either something wrong - which needs fixing - or her libido is not matched to yours. Both of which are good reason to re-think the marriage thing. (OK, everyone, I said "re-think the marriage thing" not "Don't do it!!") Thing is, you need to decide how important it is to you. You say there is a block between you. Caused by her "past", your feelings about her past? Or her ex? Or something else? Can the block be removed? Is it her block or yours? These are important questions you must answer for yourself.

 

Is it kind of normal for me to be jealous about her past relationships

 

Well, yes... but jealous is not what I would say. The fact that she shares YOUR issues is a no-no, in my opinion. That would have to stop for me. On the other hand, he is a part of the bargain. He is not going anywhere, since he is part of her son's life. This is good, I think. Certainly better than if he were an A-hole, making trouble all the time. But she needs to be able to define where his boundaries are - to your satisfaction. She owes you consideration before him. She also owes her son consideration before you, so this is somewhat a sticky situation. When and why did they divorce?

 

All in all, I think you are reasonable for having the concerns you mentioned. The very best way to get answers to this is for you to talk about it with her. And I mean really talk. Don't do it on the way out to dinner, or to the store. Make sure you have a couple of hours to do it.

[Benedict]

I don't know if I am overreacting and should just put all of this behind us and continue our lives together, or if we should talk about everything so it doesn't come up in the future.

 

You are not.

You should not.

You most assuredly should talk about everything, or it will most certainly come up in the future!

 

If I know about everything I know about it and I would not lay in bed at night wondering about what she has done in her past. ?????????

 

Don't fool yourself too much here, mate. Then you'll lay awake stressing about what you DO know. Inevitably, it will lead to some form of "Gee, why won't she do that with me??", and my opinion is that that might not be very constructive in fixing what is already wrong.

 

My $.02

[GJS]

I found out she was lying about her past when I found letters, pictures and a video of her with a sexual content when we moved. Her and her ex got a divorse because they were not compatiable, they would never talk, go anywhere and he threatened her several times. They were divorsed about 11 years ago. One of the main issues we have is our sex life, or lack of. She has been with guys and has done things I could only dream of and waht to do with her but she tells me she has never been interested in sex. That is hard for me to believe because of all the guys she has been with in the past.

[GJS]

Originally posted by Benedict

I don't know if I am overreacting and should just put all of this behind us and continue our lives together, or if we should talk about everything so it doesn't come up in the future.

 

You are not.

You should not.

You most assuredly should talk about everything, or it will most certainly come up in the future!

 

If I know about everything I know about it and I would not lay in bed at night wondering about what she has done in her past. ?????????

 

Don't fool yourself too much here, mate. Then you'll lay awake stressing about what you DO know. Inevitably, it will lead to some form of "Gee, why won't she do that with me??", and my opinion is that that might not be very constructive in fixing what is already wrong.

 

My $.02

 

Should I not even bring up her past, and just talk about us from the time we met?

[GJS]

We have been dating for about a year and moved in together after about two months of dating (for various reason). Soon after we moved in together she told me that the newness worn off, but I don’t agree I still get butterflies in my stomach when I see her or touch her, I am still nervous around her. For me the newness is still there, is it different for women?

[Benedict]

For me the newness is still there, is it different for women?

 

ROFL... well, there's the question to be answered! The ladies on this forum say that no, women are just as into sex as we are. But, I gotta tell you, you and I share a little of the same situation. For me, too, the newness is still there. Dated for 1 year, married for 7 1/2... and I still get all wacky like that when I touch her, or see her undressed. For that I consider myself lucky . But, as with your situation, I would be happier with more sex. We do not, though, have an issue blocking us right now.

 

One of the main issues we have is our sex life, or lack of. She has been with guys and has done things I could only dream of and waht to do with her but she tells me she has never been interested in sex. That is hard for me to believe because of all the guys she has been with in the past.

 

Umm... I would have a hard time believing that too. Unless she were threatened into doing those things you know about. That, I think, is very important. For some couples - very few, I imagine - it might be OK to have very little sex. For most of us, I think it is pretty important, and a good sized concern going into a marriage. The question you also need to answer is, if you both get past the very real and concrete issue now confronting you, are you two as a couple able to envision a sex life that will be mutually rewarding? It's gotta be right for both of you, and she can't expect you to be all peachy about a "Hey, I'm just not into sex, OK honey?"

[GJS]

Thanks for advise

[SoleMate]

she keeps promising me things will get better but nothing has happened

This kind of promise is meaningless. You both need to acknowledge the sexual problem and work on it seriously. That means having goals, a method (like from a book), and daily/weekly action items. If I were you, I would insist on this as a sign of her commitment to the partnership and your shared happiness.

 

I don't want to be too nosy, but what are these things you have only dreamed of, whereas she has been filmed doing them? Are we talking vanilla stuff like oral sex in different positions with fur handcuffs, or is it something really far out that is best left in the past, like group sex or hanging in chains from the ceiling?

 

And Lady Arabess is right...don't even THINK of getting married until you are reasonably sure that both people are ready, willing, and able to meet each other's needs reasonably well. The sex issue is a HUGE problem.

 

Is it kind of normal for me to be jealous about her past relationships and is it normal for her lack of sex drive?

Well...both are problems we've heard a lot of here at LS. But I wouldn't consider them normal in the sense that they are compatible with a good relationship.

 

Have you asked yourself...If your sex life were satisfying today, would the memories still bother you? I would fix the sex life first, and then I would work on the memories. Or I might even take a good hard look at the overall relationship, starting with her willingness to work seriously on solving problems and achieving a happier partnership. If she isn't really enthusiastic about it, I might consider ending things with her.

 

Good luck!

[befuddled11]

As I'm sure hundreds of people can attest to, don't *ever* think that if you have problems now, that aren't fixed/resolved, that "marriage" will somehow diminish them or make them go away. Problems that exist prior to marriage only become 10x worse after marriage.

 

First of all, all of these sexual things she's done in her past (these "things you only dream of doing with her)...how did you come to find out about these things? Did she just openly tell you? Did you ASK her to tell you what sorts of things she's done in the past? The way you came to know this info is important.

 

The fact that she tells you now that she's "not interested in sex" is a huge big RED FLAG. Now don't get me wrong, sex isn't the focus of a relationship/marriage, but it's a very integral part of it.......a part of intimacy, sharing closeness, letting yourself go with your partner/spouse. If it's a problem now, I can ASSURE YOU that it will only grow to be more of a problem once you're married........This is a HUGE area of incompatibility that MUST be worked out prior to walking down the aisle.

 

As for you still feeling those butterfly feelings when you see/touch her, but her no longer feeling them......well I can tell you as a woman that when I've been in a loving relationship, it didn't matter how long we'd been together.....I would still feel a sense of excitement and "giddyness" when I knew they were coming home. It maybe wasn't quite as intense as in the "honeymoon stage" of the relationship (the first couple of months), but it was definitely still there. Even that little sense of "nervousness" that you mention.

 

The fact that she admits that basically the spark is gone for her, that's a HUGE RED FLAG. The fact that she doesn't seem to be interested in sex with you, but has quite obviously been around the block in the past.....well that's conflicting information.

 

The fact that after being divorced for 11 yrs, she's still very much in communication with her ex husband....even going so far as to tell him things that the 2 of you talk about.......that's a HUGE RED FLAG. Their son together must be at least 11 yrs old then (how old is he?).....how much talking do they have to do?? It's disrespectful to YOUR relationship together, for her to be confiding in her ex husband about you 2 as a couple.

 

How did you meet her?? So you've been together a year?

 

You mentioned that you began living together 2 months of going out......that's pretty quick. What prompted that? (you'd mentioned there were "various reasons" why). Was it her idea? Was she struggling financially and living with you was a good deal? What were the circumstances surrounding her moving in with you???

 

The fact that she's LIED to you .....that's not good. These letters/pictures/and video of her that had a sexual content.......why was she holding on to all of this stuff?? Does she still have it all? If SO, I'd seriously have to wonder WHY she's still got it all. Is she aware you KNOW about all these things??

 

Is there *any* possibility that she's with you because she's using you? Is living with you significantly improving her financial situation/quality of life? Does she work full time or do you pretty much support the both of you? Does she fairly contribute financially to the relationship? What I'm asking is.......is she in any way getting a good 'free ride' by being with you? I ask because it sounds as if your relationship is more like a brother and sister than 2 people in love.

 

How is your relationship otherwise?

 

Are you the 'best of friends'?

 

How is your ability to communicate with each other? (you mentioned that her previous marriage ended in part due to their inability to communicate......)

 

Does she SHOW YOU that she LOVES YOU?

[Cariel]

You two obviously have many issues to work out before you should consider marrying, but you've received much good advice above so I will merely touch on the issue that seems most important to you: your sex life (or lack of it).

 

If you think that's going to get better once you're married, you're wrong. From what you've said so far it's going to get worse. If this is as serious a consideration for you as it seems to be, stop right now and think about the future consequences. It's important that any couple be compatible on many, many levels (ideally, your partner is your best friend and you have common interests as well as personal ones) but a huge difference in libido tends to be the death knell for most relationships and many, many marriages.

 

I would strongly suggest that the two of you enter couples therapy before continuing with any wedding plans. Best of luck to you both, tho!